"Lost Boy"

Silence filled the room as I sat on my bed, knees pulled up to my chest as always, avoiding his worried gaze as I stared blankly ahead, the wall suddenly being more interesting than ever. He sighed. What else should he do? He couldn't really talk to me. No one could. I was unreachable. I'd been that for the past 2 weeks. I'd finally crumbled to pieces. I just couldn't take it. The nightmares, the pain, the screams, the blood.. the hole in my heart. It wouldn't go away. It just wouldn't go away.

"JJ, please eat?" He begged, pushing the plate with freshly made grilled cheese sandwiches towards me once again, trying to seduce me with my favourite dish.

I raised my head, looking into his ocean eyes for a couple of seconds before looking down again, shaking my head, causing another sigh to escape his chapped lips. I couldn't.. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything but think about it. It haunted me. Reaching out and pulling me in whenever I thought I'd just survived. It broke me down. It killed me. Little by little.

"I'm worried about you, you know?" He whispered, placing his hand on mine causing me to jump slightly, quickly pulling it back.

"N-No" I mumbled, shaking my head, tears forcing their way out of my eyes.

"Don't touch me! Stop lying to me! Just stop!" I covered my ears, crying, trying my best to block out his words, not wanting to hear those cruel lies anymore. He didn't care. Nobody did. Especially not him. Not my angel. He couldn't even save me now. I was too deep in this shit. Too deep in the grief and sorrow and the never-ending pain. If he cared he wouldn't have left. He would've stayed. He would've realized how much I needed him. But he didn't. He left. He just left me and now it was too late. Too little too late. It was done. I had done it. No way to change that. It was done. Finished. Finito. And it couldn't be changed. Ever.

"Jerrica, love... please?" He whispered, trying to pull me in for a hug but the word 'love' made me snap. How dared he mention that word? Love was the last thing I needed to hear about now. There was no more love left okay?! I was a killer! A freaking killer and now he thought words as 'love' could fix that? Make it better? Delete the last few months? Clear my history and make me forget everything about the death I'd caused as was this a simple browser history?

"NO!" I yelled, kicking and screaming, feeling the hysteria sneak in on me once again. These seizures had become a normal part of my daily routine, the moodiness or the sudden hysteria filling the empty hours with such painful content. I couldn't take this. I didn't want to take this. To live life like this. In fear, hysteria, frustration, pain, grief.. I needed release. I needed relief. I needed to end this.

He wrapped his arms around me, trying to hold me still while I kept fighting to get out of his grip. He had to let go! I had to finish this! I had to try and even everything out with just one last painful scream to hear... My own.

"Let go! You don't understand! N-No one does!" I started crying again, never giving up on the fighting, trying my best to wriggle out of his strong hold.

"Explain it then!"

I felt as the violent sobs shook my body, no more sounds escaping my lips as the tears just streamed down my cheeks, the horrendus picture that I just couldn't escape popping back into my head.

I saw how I picked up the tiny pill with shaking hands, trying to calm myself down and take deep breaths but failing every single time, breaths getting shaky and uneven. This was wrong. It was so so so wrong. But it was necessary. Everything would be better once I'd done this. Everything. And it was the perfect timing. I was all by myself. Niall still refused to talk with me at that time. Matt was with Cecilia downtown, which was quite odd as the two of them barely ever talk but it probably was a way to escape my odd moodiness. Or just odd to them. To me it made it perfect sense. Cause I knew. I knew what was going on. I knew that I had a baby growing inside of me. I knew that the father was the most horrible, inhuman organism on the earth. I knew I wasn't ready for this.. at all! And I knew about the crazy decision I'd made... and I hated it. I hated it.

I bit my lip, weighing the glass of water I'd poured myself 5 minutes ago and the tiny, white pill in my hands. These two things would change my life forever. They would rip out what could've been an important part of my life. They'd simple define me as the killer I'd become and drag me up on a new level of evil. They'd ruin me.. Take away another life and let it go to waste. I really was a killer...

I shook my head vigorously, trying to get the horrible image out of my head when I suddenly felt as it was much harder for me to breathe properly. It felt like my lungs had stopped working and I found myself gasping for air. I also felt dizzy, the room spinning and my vision getting blurry. I clutched Niall's hand , feeling quite close to a blackout and cursing my weakness and low blood sugar for letting me fall now. But what exactly had I been expecting? I hadn't eaten a real meal for weeks, living just by water and graham crackers.

"JJ? Jerrica?"

His voice sounded so distant, so far away although he was here, right next to me, holding me in his arms as I fell down into unconsciousness.

"JJ, please? P-please let me help you!"

Was he crying? For me?

I reached out with my last strength, brushing my fingertips across his rosy cheeks, smiling weakly.

"Don't cry.. It'll be better. Now I can sleep. I'll see you in heaven Ni"...

***

I heard voices. Soft voices. Angry voices. Worried voices. Familiar voices..

I opened my eyes, squinting them in the bright sunlight and slowly sitting up, realizing I was restrained by the drops in my arms. No. No, no, no. This couldn't be true. Drops, needles, white bedsheets.. No. I wasn't at the hospital. I hated the hospital more than anything due to my very unlucky habit of always getting injured in the weirdest ways. There was nothing worse than the sharp needles digging into your skin, the horrible smell of chlorofyl and the sadness in some peoples eyes as they walked out from the different departments. Ugh hospitals...

Why was I here anyway? Where was Niall? Had he brought me here? Why?

"Jerrica!" His voice sounded relieved, hand squeezing mine gently. For how long had he been holding my hand? For how long had he been here? For how long had I been here?

"The hospital.." I mumbled. "We're at the hospital.."

He nodded.

"I had to bring you here.. You fainted and you were malnourished" He explained but I shook my head, not taking that as an apology or good reason for bringing me here. Nothing was worth going to the hospital. Nothing..

"What now? Am I getting some medicin or something?" I asked, getting worried as his eyes filled with tears.

"N-No.. Jerrica. T-The doctor wants for us to send you to a.." He didn't finish his sentence and I widened my eyes in shock, realizing just why he was this sad and what the doctor wanted for him to do. They thought I was crazy. They thought I had some mental illness and were now sending me away to some kind of institution! No!

"What?! Niall, no! It's not necessary! I'm fine!" I lied, willing to do anything and everything to escape the instution. Being locked up with strangers, lying in a unfamiliar bed and walking around on strange ground wasn't really one of my biggest wishes right now.. and it wouldn't really make anything easier. It wouldn't make it go away. It wouldn't make the pain stop...

"You're not! I'm so worried for you! You have no idea, Jerrica!" His voice cracked and he took a deep breath trying to calm down and keep himself from crying.

"I'm fine, Ni" I whispered, frowning as he just shook his head at me.

"You're not. Something is wrong and I want to know what"

I gulped, looking down and mumbling a faint:

"Nothing is wrong" , quickly realizing that Niall was having none of it. He knew me. Better than I did myself sometimes...

A sigh spilled from my mouth and I looked pleadingly at him, tears threathening to fall.

"I can't tell you... It's my secret. No one can know about i-it"

No one. I was killer. It was my secret. I couldn't tell him. I couldn't let him know. My baby was gone.. I was a killer...

Notes