"Lost Boy"

"Aw come on, babe! Lets go do something fun for once!" Matt smiled, casually wrapping his arm around my shoulder, once again trying too hard to break down the wall between the two of us. Warm hugs, kisses, cuddles, cute nicknames. He'd tried all of it. He'd tried everything to get just the smallest smile out of me but I had none left. Not one.. I was dead on the inside and I probably looked like a walking dead on the outside. Droopy eyes, slow heart.. Dead.

I just didn't know who I was anymore. Who was Jerrica Faye? What had happened to the normally so happy and bubbly girl? Did she grow up? No... Her joy and laughter was simply replaced by the immense of pure grief. Sadness, pain and emptiness being her new best friends. I was no longer me. I was empty. I was alone. I was trapped. I was gone. I was sick. Sick and tired of feeling this way. And mostly sick and tired of seeing his face everywhere.

Him, the boy who just left me here, struggling to get some sleep, the pictures, the faces, the blood interrupting my peaceful slumber. The boy who left me to crumble to pieces, his soft touch lingering and sweet voice replaying in my head. My angel had left me. Did angels really have permission to do that anyway? Were they supposed to leave their humans? Were they supposed to give up when the people they protected needed them so much?

"No.." I mumbled, no longer having the strength or confidence to raise my voice. I was too tired.. No, I was exchausted. My life was a mess. My boyfriend was... my boyfriend? That meant acting like an actual boyfriend! He kissed and cuddled me, wrote me cute texts and gave me the love and affection I had been longing for. Yes, had been.. Past tense as in no more.

Matt's love wasn't as interesting for me as it used to be. I wasn't aching for his touch, craving his love and begging for his attention anymore. I was empty. Hard as a rock. Cold as ice and with just one boy on my mind: Niall.

I cringed slightly, buiring my face deeper into my tearstained pillow, feeling a slight sting in my chest at the thought of him. Ocean eyes, gorgeous smile... such a heartbreaker. Kind of.. not really... what? He hadn't really broke up with me or anything so why was I feeling like this? We'd never even been dating but I was still feeling like he'd created this huge hole in my heart and just left it bleeding violently. On the verge of tears and angry as well? Heart shattering into pieces but stomach bubbling with rage? I hated him but... I loved him at the same time. I was a mess. Indecisive, stupid.. in love.

"Come on, JJ! We could go bowling or watch a movie at the cinema?" He tried seducing me with two of my favourite things but I simply refused to walk out in public, looking like a freaking zombie. I wasn't even that pretty before why shouldn't I scare the shit out of people looking like this then?

"No!" I protetsted, covering my ears with my hands, trying to block out his voice, my headache getting worse. Life was just shit sometimes. Ugh, I hated it. I. hated. it...

"What? Why not?" Matt asked, sounding pretty cold, probably wondering why I was acting like this towards him. Or probably knowing the reason for my weird behaviour and getting slightly jealous, his competive side getting the best of him.

I sat up, clutching my stomach as I felt the nausea come back again. I bit my lip, taking a deep breath before repeating my answer:

"No, Matt!" I hissed, quickly getting up and running to the bathroom, locking the door and bending over the toilet, emptying my already half-empty stomach into the toilet sink.

Something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I wasn't the type to get sick. I was barely ever sick and when this special case did happen the two times a year I actually collapsed into a yucky pile of bacteria and disease, nausea was never any of the symptoms. It was always one of those harmless colds that didn't do anything particularly hurtful and only lasted for 2 weeks or so. But this.. This was different. This was a whole new category and I didn't know how to react. What to do. I was simply frozen, shaking lightly with fear as I finished vomitting and wipe my mouth.

Oh no. My period.. I quickly ripped open the medicin closet, gripping the items I needed with shaking hands before getting to work. I needed the answer. I just needed to know.

***

5 minutes suddenly seemed like eternity as I sat there and waited, fiddling nervously with my hands, listening closely to the warning little ring I dreaded to hear.

RIIIING!

Oh god! There it was.. I picked up the little stick with closed eyes, slowly opening them to let out a loud gasp, dropping the small item to the floor and shaking my head violently. No. No. No. Just no. This couldn't be happening! But the stick wasn't lying. It wasn't lying! Pregnant at 18 sounded bad enough itself but pregnant with the monster who'd had tried to kill me just 3 weeks ago! The devil who'd taken my virginity, my freedom, my sanity. My innocence, my purity.. Me. The inhuman, horrible, awful person who'd ruined everything couldn't be the father of my child!

No, no, no!

I fell to my knees, sobbing violently and still shaking my head as I prayed silently for all of this to be yet another very realistic nightmare. But it wasn't. It fit in perfectly. He raped me, I hadn't had my period for weeks, moodswings, odd foodcravings. It all fit perfectly. I was P R E G N A N T!

This couldn't be happening. This just couldn't be happening! I was still young! I didn't know anything about being a mother! I didn't know anything at all! Why? Why me? Why him? Why now?

He wouldn't even know that he'd brought a child to the world. He wouldn't even care! He would simply track me up and kill me... and the baby. No. I couldn't let this happen. I didn't want to die. I didn't want to be a mother. I wasn't ready. I just wasn't ready..

A soft knock on the door interrupted me in my misery and a few seconds later I heard Matt's hollow voice through the wood:

"JJ? There's someone who wants to talk to you.."

I hesitated a bit, thinking about how I didn't really want to see anyone at the moment. No one could know about this. No one. I slowly got up, wiping my eyes and mouth off before opening the door, almost getting a heartattack as I suddenly stared into the a familiar pair of eyes I'd missed.

No..

Notes