"Lost Boy"

He loved me. He l-o-v-e-d me. Niall loved me. This thought was so strange to me. So new. So different. So.. scary. I just sucked at choosing the right guy and the right time and often ended up with a broken heart, barely succeeding when I had to put it back together. Love just wasn't me. Simple as that. I wasn't going to tell you an incredibly long and sad story about how unlucky I was in love and how I just ached to find the right guy. How I deserved to fall in love and be happy. That the world was simply unfair, constantly playing with my heart and mind but things just weren't that way. I didn't believe in faith, in karma or in love. Call me bitter but hope starts fading away after a million heartbreaks.. or what?

Niall was so sweet though. He was nothing like any of the others. But still all of my crushes had the same thing in common: It all started the same way. They got me hooked. Just one little thing about them, like their bright smiles, beautiful eyes or adorable laughs always seemed enough to set me off and keep me levitating on the cliché cloud 9 everyone talks about when love is mentioned.

It should be a taboo though. Just think about it. 7 milliard people, I couldn't be the only broken heart. The only skeptic of love. The only lonely soul, fearing love almost as much as I feared heights, water and snakes. There had to be more people like me. I was the type of person who fell hard and fast, not even able to tell when it would hit me, catching me completely off guard every single time. It all started the same way but with Niall it wasn't just one thing. It was everything. He was perfect. So freaking perfect it just wasn't fair. For me or for anyone else. How was I supposed to turn my back to that perfection?

I sighed, rubbing my arms, trying to stay warm in the cold November breeze. I knew I had to. I had to turn my back to his love. I couldn't handle another heartbreak...

I shook my head, trying to clear my thoughts for these distractions. No more Cecilia. No more Matt. No more Niall. I just wanted a break from all of this. I had to protect myself from getting hurt further. I had to keep my cuts and wounds, this war of emotions had caused me, from opening back up. This was it. This was the last drop. I was putting my defenses up..

Taking a look around, I took in the image of the city I knew so well but hadn't had the chance to see that much of the last couple of weeks. Too much drama, too little time.

I wiped my eyes, the angry tears blurring my vision not sure why I was still crying. I wasn't even that attracted to Matt! I'd never been! Then what was the problem? He was out of my life now.. but.. he'd taken Cecilia with him. Cecilia. I guess she was the problem. She was my best friend and still she chose to go behind my back like that? Matt wasn't the problem. I wasn't angry at her for falling for him. That wasn't the problem cause if I had to be honest: I'd never really cared. I'd never really felt anything for him. Anything. My emotions were just a blur when it came to him. Matt Thompson, the co-star in this sad series called 'My Life'. He was there. He got all the signs, he saw all the problems, heard all the cries but didn't do anything about it.

What should he do? Our relationship or rather previous relationship had been awkward and empty, lacking the love and kindness I just couldn't escape now. Matt's part was to create drama, to hate on the lovely guy because he acts more like a boyfriend than he does and then rip my best friend out my life. I felt so betrayed. So lonely. And I was alone. I'd lost the person I never really cared about but always could rely on. I'd lost the source for my happiness. The person who was practically my other half. And I had to lose my angel just because he loved me...

"Jerrica! Jerrica wait!"

I froze, tensing up at the sound of the soft voice I'd grown annoyingly fond of. Why was he following me? I wiped my tears and kept walking, ignoring his voice and the confused stares from the people around us.

"Jerrica please?" He begged, managing to catch up with me and grab my wrist, breathing heavily as he'd obviously been running all the way from the hospital. He just never gave up. Never.

I sighed deeply, silently admitting my defeat and looking up at him cautiously. What about me made him keep going?

"What is it Niall? Why are you following me?" I mumbled, too tired to raise my voice, not really having the strength to sound annoyed or frustrated anymore. I was so tired. Why would people just not leave me alone?

He pulled me closer, caressing my wrist carefully, not putting any pressure on my cuts, pressing a slow and gentle kiss to each one of them.

"I had to make sure you were okay" He whispered, kissing the back of my hand as well before I finally managed to pull away from him.

"Why do you care?" I asked, voice dripping with bitterness as I waited for him to speak the words I knew would leave his lips. It already hurt. The three simple worlds that had burnt a longlasting hole in my chest, blood spilling for each time they escaped his lips.

"I love you.."

"Why?" I added, looking at him with still blurry eyes, feeling empty inside. I had nothing left. Nothing. They had taking it all away from me. All of them. Matt, Cecilia, Kennett, Trevor, Marty... They had ruined everything. They had ruined me. Where was my hope now? Where was the happiness? Where was the love? The faith? 18 years. It had taken 18 years for, trying to create the person I wanted to be just to have it all taken away. Torn apart, ripped to pieces and thrown in the nearest bin. That was my life. It just felt like everyone wanted to hurt me. Like I was this parasite that the entire humanity just longed to kill. And maybe I was.. Maybe. But Niall was the only exception. He loved me...

"I don't know.."

He shrugged, a small smile playing on his lips as he caught a glimpse of my confused expression, just before the apathy consumed me again.

"How can you love me but not know why?"

He grinned, slowly moving his hand from my wrist to my hand, intertwining our fingers slightly.

"Love is such a glorious feeling you know? But at the same time it's weird.. Once you've fallen really hard for someone.. It can really be explained"

I was stunned. What did you say when an angel declared his love for you? How did you react when you couldn't really think of anything but the fast beat of your heart? Simple answer: Nothing. You kept quiet. Ignoring your emotions. Putting your defenses up, too scared of falling in love.

I pulled back from him, shaking my head and continuing down the pavement.

"No.. You can't be in love with me" I whispered, assuming he could hear me as he of course followed, obviously not planning on letting me go. Of letting this stupid idea of being in love with me pass. He kept fighting. He. Just. Wouldn't. GIVE UP! How I hoped for him to do so anyway.. He deserved better. Why did he want the broken and scarred girl anyway? Popstar, lots of money, good looks, millions of girls drooling over posters of him and then... me? I didn't fit in at all.

"Why not?"

"Because.."

"Because what?"

"I'm not good enough.."

Silence. Why though? Was he agreeing with me? It didn't really surprise me. I wasn't good enough. Not for anyone and especially not for Niall Horan, the amazingly cute teen heatthrob. But it hurt deep down anyway. I didn't like it when we have gave up. That meant he didn't care and if he didn't care then.. What was my reason for staying then? It was all for him. I kept going..for him. I ate, I tried to sleep.. for him. I tried to stay alive.. just for him. If he didn't give up then why should I? If he loved me... then why shouldn't I love him? He was perfect.. but he was too perfect. That was the reason why. He would end up hurting me just like everyone else. I just didn't want to lose more. I was broken enough.

"To me you are.."

"Not.."

"Yes you are!"

"Not!"

"And why shouldn't you be?" He sounded truly confused by the way I dissed myself, eyes wide and innocent as he waited for me to give my arguments for why I thought I'd only spoken the truth. I was confused as well though. Was he blind?

"Niall.. I'm no good" I whispered, staring deeply into his eyes. Begging, praying for him to see. To understand.

"You are.. you're perfect" He whispered, eyes gazing lovingly into mine and then something inside me just snapped. It clicked, it broke and I was throwing another tantrum before I even had the time to prevent it.

"I'M NOT!! I'M A FREAKING KILLER! I KILLED SO MANY PEOPLE AND M-MY BABY! I'M CRAZY OKAY? I'M NOT PERFECT! I'M NOT OKAY! I WANT TO DIE NIALL!"

I breathed heavily, still feeling like I needed to come out with a lot more. I felt so angry. So full of hatred. I ached for something-... for someone to punch and kick, no longer capable of supressing these frustrations.

"PEOPLE KEEP HURTING ME! I'M ALONE! NO ONE LIKES ME!"

I started shaking again, breaths shaky and uneven, fresh tears springing to my eyes as the words kept playing in my head. Those cruel words I'd feared since I was little. I'm alone. I'm alone.. I'll always be. Why? Why why why? I needed someone..

"N-No one likes me..I'm a-alone.. I'll always b-be" I croaked out between sobs, flinching as Niall didn't hesitate to pull me into a hug, his strong arms snaking around my waist.

"No! Don't!" I shook my head vigorously, trying to wriggle out of his grasp, not thinking further of it as I started to punch his chest lightly.

"Let go! Let go of me! Let go!" I cried, still fighting. I wanted for him to let go. To let go completely. To stop wanting what he couldn't have. What wasn't good for him to try and get anyway. I wanted for him to let go. To forget about me. I would hurt him. He would hurt me. It wouldn't end good for any of us. It just wouldn't.

"No. Never" He whispered, tightening his grip in me and kissing the top of my head sweetly. I calmed down a bit, still soaking his shirt and wondering about why this wasn't annoying him. I always ruined his shirts whenever he was near me. It was such a shame though. The material was very nice and the prints were simply adorable. I adored the one with the moustache but I wasn't sure if it would survive my salty tears.

"Why don't you just give up Niall? Why don't you let go?" I whimpered, buiring my face in his muscular chest, surprised by how fast his heart beated. Was that because of me? What exactly was he thinking about? What was he feeling?

"Because you taught me to never give up" He smiled and I couldn't help but blush, heart beating faster, mind racing as I agreed to do everything to see that smile as often as possible. Anything. Even if it meant I had to be all girly and wear make-up and stuff and forget about my weekly Action Movie Marathon to go shop for heels. It would be worth everything. That smile.. Beautiful. Stunning. No, there just wasn't a fitting word for his beauty. He was out of this world. Truly an angel.

"What happened to 'If you love someone, let them go'?" I asked, staring deeply into the blue ocean I'd gotten so familiar with but still got lost in every single time his gaze caught mine.

"You're an exception" He grinned, staring right back into my eyes, creating this deep connection between us. I swear I could see his soul and it was just as beautiful as his looks and voice and just everything. It got me breathless, flustered and I cursed my body for betraying me, praying for him not to notice.

He slowly pulled away, grabbing my hand, smiling to himself as I didn't protest this time. I simply complied, not sure why but not hesitating to lock our fingers together.

"You know.. you're cute when you stop fighting me" He giggled, brushing a stray lock of my hair behind my ear, a shiver running down my spine. He was just so gentle, basically treating me like a fragile vase moving slowly to make sure I wouldn't break.

"Don't get used to it.." I mumbled, shrugging my shoulders as he bursted out laughing. That laugh..

"Oh believe me.. I won't"

He got serious again, eyes connecting with mine again as he slowly leant in. Oh no did that mean..? No, no.. I couldn't.

I slowly raised my hand, covering his mouth and gently pushing him back, shaking my head.

"Niall.. no" I sighed, looking down shyly, kicking to a pemble with my worn out grey sneakers, too scared of looking up into the disappointed blue eyes that would meet mine.

"It's okay love.. I'll wait. I would wait forever for you" He lifted my hand to his chapped lips, letting them brush against my knuckles in a soft kiss before he pulled me with him down the street. I wasn't sure of where he led me or why he was insisting on holding my hand, acting like he was afraid of losing me on the crowded streets but I knew 2 things:

1. Niall was in love with me.

2. No matter how much I wanted to deny it, I was falling for him as well.

Oh god, I think I'm having an heart attack..

Notes