Chapter 22: Tears in Our Fabric
*Reagan’s POV*
I can’t answer Harry. I hear his question but I can’t bring myself to answer. The video begins to play, and the camera is aimed right at him. The room in the background is grey and dull. There seems to be a mirror behind the boy I see, but I’m too sure that it’s one of those trick mirrors that has someone there to watch you behind it as you pour your heart out and fill the room with lies or the unrequited truth of a confession. His head is down, and focused on his legs. There is a tear in the knee of his black jeans and the white t-shirt that he wears and the small amount of visible skin on his knee that pokes out through the hole is stained with red. I can hear a woman’s voice call his name from behind the camera, but nothing else after that due to the low level I have my volume on. I pause the footage afraid that Harry will somehow hear what I’m watching.

What I look at is a stilled Image of a seventeen year old Harry in front of me. Right after everything happened with his stepfather, right before he was committed into Maudsley.

“Reagan?”

“Yes?” I answer quietly as my brain and my heart battle out if I should continue to watch the video and if I’ll be able to handle what it is I’ll see if I chose to press play again.

“Are you falling asleep? I can let you go, I’m sorry.”

“No. No, I’m not sleeping. Stay. Stay on the phone and talk to me.” I respond quickly hoping for a distraction as I face temptation. It eats away at me like acid but I guess that’s what it’s meant to do.

I’m tired of being tested, but it seems like Harry and I always are. I want to be able to stand on peaceful ground for once and not have to go through war. The sad part is the wars that we face start on the outside of our relationship and pit fights between us. I want to be in a place with him where our love isn’t tested or questioned as anything else than what it is, but the more I think about it the more it seems like my hopes for us is a distant dream, slipping further and further into the abyss as everyone else around us picks us apart; finding tears in our fabric that we didn’t even know existed.

Dr. Koch knows that I have a curious mind and anything involving Harry and his condition makes my inquiries spark, wanting to know all that I can about him so that we work better together as a team. He hasn’t been around Harry like I have or seen the progress that he’s made. I know that he still has nightmares, but who wouldn’t after what he’s been through? To take someone’s life even if it is out of self-defense would shake any normal person and turn their life upside down.

No, it’s not healthy that he doesn’t sleep, but that’s why he goes to therapy and gets help from Dr. Baker. She is helping. I know she’s helping. Harry has come too far to relapse now, and to me he shows no signs of it happening in the near future. However, I’m sure that whatever is in this video was not meant to keep my thoughts on Harry the same way I they are now.

“What are you doing?” He repeats the question to me again, but this time I’m quick on my toes. He doesn’t need to know what’s right in front of me and beckons me to watch with unblinking eyes.

“I was just up thinking... Channel helped me take a small step towards getting better yesterday.” I changed my mind’s subject and minimized the video so that it would show up only as a small icon on the taskbar of my screen but I knew that it was still there, waiting for me. The stilled image of Harry was still fresh even though it was no longer visibly present.

“What was that?” He asks the rasp of his voice vibrates through the speaker of the phone and through my pores causing goose bumps to rise on my skin. His effect on me has yet to change. I only wish that I could act on the impulses that I have that has left a sexual tension between he and I.

Baby steps, I repeat in my head. Baby steps.

“I let her take off my towel by the pool.” I could hear Harry exhale an uneasy turned on breath and I laughed as I pushed my laptop onto the bed and lie back against my now cool pillow.

Any tired feel that I had an hour ago has long since left me and now I feel wide awake, partially due to the reason that curiosity has my mind running a thousand miles per minute and partially due to the deep husky tone of Harry’s voice that sends an electric charge right through me.

“You let her undress you? Fuck, glasses what are you trying to do to me?” I could hear the change in his tone knowing the effect that I was having on him. I laughed before I continued, shaking my head no as if he were in the room with me.

“No Harry, my towel not my clothes, I had on a swim suit. You’re such a pervert.” I could hear him chuckle, and his laugh brought a smile to my face.

“That’s not much better... Let’s change the subject please?”

The muscles in my face contorted as I frowned. “Why?”

“Because if we keep talking this way I think it’ll turn into something you can’t handle.” I knew that I had him right where I wanted him to be and I could feel my heart speed up in my chest as a blush rose on my face.

“Phone sex H.? Is that what you think I can’t handle?” I could hear his sharp intake of breath and there was a pause on the other end of the line, “Because I think I can take that. It might be another baby step. It might be just the thing I need to help me recover. You do want to help me, don’t you H.?” I talked slowly and made sure that he could hear the emphasis I put on each word. I’ve never done this before and I have no idea where the courage is coming from. Part of me thinks that the comfortable feeling is because I’m so far away, but I dare not wander into that territory, not right now.

“Are you in your room?” I ask him hoping to proceed and I hear him clear his throat on the other end of the line.

“Ugh um... I am, but my mum is here and Gemma is coming over. I’m sure my mum has told Gem about the court date by now.” The mood shifts again and I know that all playfulness is out the window.

Harry sighs and I can hear a rattling in the background on his end. Voices come through, though it’s not clear to me what’s being said.

“Harry?”

“Shit, I’ve got to go I’m gonna be late for work and Gemma is here now. I’ll talk to you later glasses. Get better quickly for me love.” The line goes dead and H. hangs up the phone leaving me disappointed and worst of all at the mercy of my own curiosity.

I lie on my side and shut my eyes hoping that jet lag would kick in, but I know as another half hour rolls around and my eyes roam my childhood room trying to make out figures in the dark that I’m awake for the long haul. I curse myself under my breath before I head down the stairs with my laptop and put a kettle on the stove top to make myself a cup of tea. I had to search the kitchen cabinets for a tea pot, but once I found one I was immediately comforted and reminded of Anne. As the kettle heats I take my seat at the table behind my computer screen and reopen the tab. Harry appears on again with his head down. My finger hovers over the mouse for a second before I click play and watch without breathing at the scene in front of me.

---

*Harry’s POV*
I showered with the image of Reagan in a bikini in my head as I did so, relieving myself of stress as I’ve had to do for the past few days. Reagan can’t keep doing things like that to me. There’s only so much I can take before my hand falls off of my body from over use.

After I’d gotten dressed, I tried to go down the stairs as quietly as possible to avoid any further confrontation between my mum and perhaps Gemma now that everything is out in the open. When she handed me the letter that verified my court date, I flipped out and went for the easiest emotion that I felt knowing it would turn her off, anger. It plays over in my head and I know that I’m wrong, but my pride won’t let me apologize for anything that I said.

*Flashback*
“Harry what is this?”

“What’s what?” I take the envelope from her hand and once I look it over there’s no way that I can hide anything now. The look of fear and what I believe to be disappointment meets my mum’s eyes as she waits for a confirmation on what she already knows.

“Fuck.”

“That was for a court date Harry I know what it was, talk to me. What’s going on?”

“It’s nothing.” I try to brush it off, but she doesn’t back down. The look on her face becomes more prevalent and it begins to chip away at me.

“ Why are you looking at me like that? If I’m that much of a disappointment to you, just fucking say so! Just stop staring at me that way! I’m fucked up because of you! Anytime that I try to help someone I dig a deeper hole for myself and you’re the one that started it all!” I run my hands through my hair and tug at it slightly after I toss the letter on the table. The foreign feeling of moisture in my eyes that I hate develops, but I make myself hold it in.

“Harry I’m not disappointed in you, I just want you to tell me what’s happened.” Her eyes well with tears and it adds fuel to my fire. I won’t break down in front of her, in front of anyone.

“You are! I can see it in your eyes when you look at me! I’ve seen it for the past five months; since they let me out of the damned hospital! Fuck, I’ve seen it since you found out that there was something wrong with me! But it’s your fault; you started if all off! I tried to save you from Clive and I landed in Maudsley and I tried to help Reagan, but it’s gotten me nothing but the same result as last time! I’m tired of trying to help people and getting shit back in return!” It’s getting harder for me to hold back but I have to. My entire being shakes as I physically put all of my focus into keeping everything in.

“Help Reagan from what Harry?” She ignores my other insults and I’m glad because I know that I don’t mean them.

“She was raped. She was raped by the guy she worked with and I was only trying to help her, mum. I was only trying to help her.”

My voice cracks and I can feel the tears fall down my cheeks in hot streams. I curse myself for being so weak, I hate to cry and it always catches me off guard when I do. My mum stares at me in shock and starts to cry herself as she walks towards me wrapping me in her arms. She gets me to tell her the whole story behind Reagan leaving, but after I do I push away from her and go back up the stairs still angered by everything that’s going on in my own head and for allowing myself to show weakness in a time that I needed to be stronger.
*End Flashback*

The argument was unnecessary and I know it was, but my anger wasn’t with my mum it was more so with myself. To think that she might have to go through what I put her through two years ago again hurt me to think about. I can’t seem to get it right. I quickly change my mind’s thinking pattern so that I’m not in a depressed mood on the way to work as I grab my keys off of the counter in the kitchen, but as soon as I did I was caught by Gemma.

“Trying to escape, slow coach? I heard about what happened today.”

“Of course you did. I knew that she would tell you.” I could feel my jaw flex as I waited for whatever comment she had for me, but one never came. Instead her arms wrapped around me in the most supportive way possible and I could feel myself relax in her arms.

“It’s going to be okay Harry. We understand why you did it and we’ll be there in your corner just as we were the last time.”

I hugged her back forever grateful for the bond that we have before I backed out of the embrace. It’s too much affection and emotion for me in one day. I grab my medication out the cabinet and take two now and put two in my pocket for later. I probably shouldn’t take that many, but I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I hate it.

“Is Reagan alright?” Gemma shifts uncomfortably on her feet and I part of me thinks it’s because she feels bad for the way that she’s treated her and talked about her.

I nod my head, “She seems better now that she’s away.” Away from here, away from me. “Thank you, Gem.” She nodded her head and gave me a small smile before I head out the door.

---

*Reagan’s POV*
“Harry?” The woman calls his name but his head remains down. His arms are behind his back in cuffs and I cringe when I’m reminded of him behind jail cell bars only a week ago.

I turn up the volume before anything else is said, though I do so timidly. A door can be heard opening and then shutting as a third party enters the room.

“He’s gone into shock. He’s non responsive.” The woman speaks again and as she moves to a chair in front of the camera, I am able to match the familiar voice to a face.

Dr. Baker sits in front of Harry as she continues to try to coax him out of his docile state.

“Harry, my name is Dr. Elizabeth Baker and my friend here is Dr. James Koch. We’re here to help you, but we can only do that if you talk to us and tell us what happened.” Harry’s head remains down and his gaze focused on his jeans. I wish that I could get a close up on what it is that he was looking at, but the fabric of the material is too dark to tell.

“This isn’t working, and we’re running out of time Elizabeth, let me.” Dr. Koch’s voice is stern and harsh as Dr. Baker offers up her seat in front of Harry and the two doctors switch positions. Nothing has changed in two years with James Koch, and I have a feeling that he’ll never break away from his cold outer layer.

“Harry?” Dr. Koch speaks and once again there is no reply.

“Harry?!” He’s impatient and he raises his voice louder. Didn’t he just hear Dr. Baker say that H. is in shock?!

“Harold!” Dr. Koch’s fist makes hard contact with the table beside him and I jump as I watch the video, so does seventeen year old Harry. His head snaps up and the second he looks into the camera, I pause the video.

There are dark circles around his eyes and they look dull. Nineteen year old Harry takes seventeen year old Harry’s place and I shake my head in denial when I realize that not much has changed. His face is red and blotchy and I can tell that it’s because he’s been crying. I press play again, though I’m sure that my heart won’t be able to take much more.

“Harold, listen to me. Are you listening?” Harry’s eyes meet Dr. Koch’s but he doesn’t respond. Tears begin to stream down his face and my heart breaks for the boy that I see, the one that I know.

“You will snap out of it and talk to us, or you’ll be prepared to spend a good chunk of your life in jail or worse. You’re only seventeen years old, but I’ve already heard talk from a judge wanting to try you as an adult and if they go down that road you’re as good as gone, so open your mouth and speak up!”

Harry’s tears stop but there is still moisture clear on his face. His scared, young features change into that of a hard glare at Dr. Koch. Koch places pictures on the table in front of Harry and his eyes glance down at them before quickly turning away almost as if in disbelief. I couldn’t see the photos one hundred percent clearly, but what I did notice was a figure on the ground with a small red pool around his head like that of a twisted halo. Clive. Harry’s face turned pale and more tears began to fall before he spoke slowly.

“I didn’t mean to kill him, but the more I think about it the more I realize I would do it again in a heartbeat if he could be revived! Turn off the camera!....Turn it off!”

“Alright, Harry. It’s alright.”

Dr. Baker spoke before the screen went black and I stopped the video completely shocked, unaware of what to think or how to feel when I closed my laptop.

Notes

Hello LOVES!!! Thank you all so much for the votes and subs!!!! Please keep them coming? They inspire me so much!!<3 <3 <3 How are ya all? I have a sneaky cheeky update for you all because I can't sleep and because I adore all of you. It's 12:50 a.m. in Chicago right now so why not update? Anyway, what did you all think about this chapter? :o Do you guys feel bad for Harry and how do you think Reagan will react to what she saw? This is the longest chapter I've updated in a while so please spam me with comments!!! I'm so eager to read them all, especially with this chapter! I LOVE YOU ALL TO DEATH FOR READING I'm going to try to force myself to fall asleep now!

PS: Before I go, I have another story that I've quickly come to fall in love with by one of my fave's @eternalsky called Devil Dogs. The link is there go give it a read! I promise you you'll love it! Also don't forget to check out Demented and Paper Stars by @wonderful . and finally my new story, The Resistance (its only the prologue right now, but still please give me feed back!) Xx :*