“BILLIE!” I heard my step dad yelling from the other end of the house.

I pulled my doona over my head a squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that he wouldn’t come in my room and get me up. I heard loud footsteps stomping down the hall towards my room. I pulled the covers tighter around my body and prayed that he wouldn’t come in. The door swung open, slamming against my cupboard.

“What the fuck are you still doing in bed? Get up, and get ready for school. NOW!” He yelled at me.

I didn’t reply. I couldn’t. My body shook so violently that I couldn’t speak. I waited until I heard my bedroom door shut, and then a few more minutes after that until I slowly pulled the covers off me and got out of bed. I made my way slowly over to the full length mirror across the room and I stood looking at my reflection. What I saw was nothing special. Wavy blonde hair that fell just below my shoulders, piercing blue eyes that everyone commented on, and a face that was ordinary. I’m not popular but I’m not a loner either. I’m someone who fits in everywhere. Someone who flows with the rhythm that everyone else creates. I don’t stand out; you wouldn’t pick me out in a crowded room.

I’m nothing special.

I stood there staring at my reflection for what felt like an extremely long time. The longer I stood there the more frustrated I became. Why can’t I look like those girls in the magazines; with flawless skin, perfect teeth, delicate features and skinny everything?

Why do I torture myself with these thoughts? Why do I continue to put myself through all of this pain? What do I get out of it? Absolutely nothing, that’s what. But I can’t stop.

Without thinking I brought my right fist up and punched the mirror. Sharp pain shot from my knuckles all the way up my arm. I cried out in pain, cradling my hand to my chest. I looked up at the mirror and saw a large crack in the center which spread out into a spider web pattern at the sides. In the centre was blood, I was shocked. I peered down at my hand and saw blood streaming from my knuckles onto my shirt.

“Fuck.” I said to myself.

I quickly ran over to my door, opened it slightly and peered out to see if anybody was in the corridor. Once seeing that the coast was clear I stepped out and ran to the bathroom down the hall. I locked the door behind me and shoved my hand under the faucet, letting the water run over my bloody knuckles. I dried my hand off and grabbed a bandage and gauze from the cabinet and wrapped it about my hand. Once I was satisfied with my efforts I walked back into my room. I walked over to my drawers and pulled out the first things I saw, maroon skinny jeans and a white signed good charlotte Cardiology tour shirt. I put a variety of large bracelets onto my left wrist and pulled my school hoodie over my head so I could half cover the bandage on my hand. Putting on my makeup proved to be a hard task as the mirror was sectioned into small and large pieces, not allowing me to have a clear view; I styled my hair into two fishtail braids, finishing off my look by putting a blue snapback hat on my head. I grabbed my backpack from my bed and walked downstairs into the kitchen.
Luck was on my side; my stepdad must have already left for work, because my mother was sitting alone at the breakfast bar reading the paper.

“Honey, there you are. Come sit and have some French toast.” She said

“I’m not hungry. I’ll just have a protein bar.” I replied walking over to the cupboard and pulling out a low fat protein bar. She looked at me annoyed.

“You need to eat to stay healthy, I’ve noticed that you haven’t been eating a lot in the past few weeks and I want to know if anything is wrong.” She said in a motherly tone.
Oh so now she cares, all those times that I needed her before she just looked the other way. Nobody knows what is going on and that’s the way I want to keep it. If she didn’t care then, then she certainly doesn’t care now, she’s just trying to cover her own arse.

“Oh, you care now do you?” I snapped at her. “What about all those times that I needed you and you weren’t there, you were too busy with Tim to even look after your kids.” She looked taken aback by my sudden outburst.

“Tim has helped out, ever since your dad left. He has loved you and your sister like you were his own. Don’t you dare say one bad thing about him.” She was angry now.

“Are you kidding me? What about when I was 13 and I came home from camp to find you covered in bruises. And that story you gave me about how you fell down the stairs? I wasn’t stupid. And now you can’t even protect your own kids from him, we have to fend for ourselves. Don’t act like you care about me now, it’s too late.” I yelled at her, slamming the cabinet door.

“Where do you think you’re going?” She yelled at me, standing up.

“I’m getting away from you and going to fucking school.” I turned and said before slamming the front door behind me and running to my car.

I cursed myself for leaving the house early, now I was forced to sit around at school for half an hour before my first class. I contemplated going to the coffee shop down the street to get my morning fix as I had skipped my coffee to get away from my mum this morning. I spun around on my heel to walk out of the school and smacked straight into someone.

“What the fuck?” An irish accent said.

I looked up pushing my hat further up on my head so I could see who I had just ran into.

“Oh my god, Niall I am so sorry. I didn’t see you.” I quickly said, hoping he wasn’t mad at me.

“Not a problem, I was actually on my way to talk to you. Wanna sit down and chat before class?” He said, with a hopeful look on this face.

“Oh, I was actually on my way to go and grab a coffee from the shop down the road.” I said, before I saw the disappointed look on his face. “But you can come if you want, we can talk there.” I added.

“Yeah, that would be great.” He replied in his thick accent.

We arrived at the coffee shop a few minutes later and I ordered a large caramel latte from the cashier while Niall, who insisted on paying, ordered a large English breakfast tea with four sugars. After we grabbed our drinks we found a small booth facing the busy Melbourne street and sat down. Neither or us said anything, I looked down at my mug and avoided looking at his eyes. Though I knew that he was staring right at me. After things started to get awkward I thought it was time for someone to speak.

“So you said you wanted to chat. About anything in particular?” I said, finally looking up from my coffee cup.

“Well we’ve only known each other for a few weeks, but I feel like you avoid me every chance you get. We’ve never spent more than 5 minutes alone together, before you call for Liam. I just wanted to know why. Have I done something?” He looked sad, like I had intentionally done something to hurt him.

I didn’t know what to say to him. To answer his question, yes I have been avoiding him. It’s not that I don’t like him it’s because when ever he looks at me I can see something in his eyes. Something that scares me to death. It’s like he can see right past the wall that I have put up around myself for everyone else’s amusement. Like he can see the miserable little girl that has a vacant mum and is abused by her step-dad. The girl who thinks that she is not worthy of anything and hides behind a guy that she will never truly love.

“Well?” He said, getting impatient.

“I, ah.. it’s not about you.” I stuttered, attempting to say something, anything.

“Bullshit it’s not about me. Every time I try and talk to you, you turn around and start talking to the person who is standing closest to you. Or you start kissing Liam, and rubbing it in my face like I have done something to you. This is the first proper conversation we have ever had and you’re lying.” He raised his voice, leaning in closer to intimidate me.

I leaned back against the booth to get away from him. He must have had these feelings for a while because this outburst had come out of nowhere. This is not how I had envisioned our morning chat over coffee to go. I didn’t say anything; I just started right back at him, hoping he would get out of my face. His eyes had turned into slits as he watched me, slowly he leaned back against the booth and took a sip of his tea.

“Honestly Billie, you can trust me. I can see the wall that you put up around yourself. What are you hiding from? You have to let people in sometime otherwise you’ll be alone. I’m trying to be your friend, to show you that I care, but you won’t let me. Just tell me what I’ve done so I can do my best to change it.” He pleaded.

I could tell that he was being sincere, but I hardly knew him. Could I trust him? I don’t even tell my own boyfriend half of what is going on, so why should I trust a guy I barley know? I was just about to say something when my phone went off. Niall looked down at it annoyed.

Babe, where are you hiding? Meet me at my locker. xx -Liam

“Sorry, Niall that’s Liam. I’ve got to go. See you in class, yeah?” I didn’t wait for him to answer. I quickly scrambled out of my seat, picked my bag up and hurried out the door of the coffee shop back to school.

I didn’t look back.