Clarity

I had never felt more guilty then I did in the moment I had left Harry in that parking lot. I wanted more then anything to have him hug me, and promise it would all be okay.
That this will all end in a rainbow. But I was scared. I was scared of people. So many people had seen those flyers, so many people knew about the two us, and because so many people knew many more would learn of it.
I was willing to bet by the end of the week the whole school, including the teachers, would know the story.
Yet, the worst of it all, no one would know the truth. No one would know the full story. They would all react like Shailene, spit out their cruel words, and honest feelings then leave me to rot in despare.
I had no idea where I was going when I peeled out of the parking lot like the Mafia was after me, but I knew for sure I wasn't going home. I wasn't ready for anyone else to see me.
Especially the girls.
I knew both Maddie and Anne would pry and poke until one of told them the whole truth, and only the truth. I just wasn't ready to face how bad the reality of this situation could be, when I was still recovering from the shock.
Not being able to decide on somewhere to park as I licked salty tears off my lips, I came to a decision that I would drive around until I had calmed down enough to go home.
For a few minutes as I sped past the crowded hallways, I contemplated on whether I should go drop by and visit my family or not.
Actually I had almost turned in that direction, more then ready to make the fourty minute drive, but if I went to them they'd definately know I was upset, and I wasn't ready to tell them. I couldn't. My chest hurt enough at the moment, why add anymore pressure that could end in a heartattack? Increase the multitude of my tears? Make my tire limbs shake harder?
With that I slipped onto the freeway so I could drive anyway I pleased with less risk of an accident. As I drove around aimlessly, in circle after circle, bitter tears poured down my face while I breathed deeply inbetween each wave.
How was I going to get over this? How were me and Harry going to get through this? I loved him to much to break up with him, I wasn't going to go there, but I did feel like I had to do something drastic to fix this.
It seemed like everything was a tangled web of choas around my head.
Carson.
Shailene.
Gemma.
Harry.
First fights.
Make ups.
Break ups.
Betrayal.
The secrets.
It was enough to give you a brain freeze with out the cold drink.
It was terrifying quite frankly. I was scared I was going to get myself tangled in that web, and loose it. I already was tangled, but not enough to stay trapped. It would be so easy, so easy to get up and leave Harry.
To move back into my apartment, or move in with Marcus. To find the first attractive, somewhat classy girl and make her my girlfriend. To throw away the promise ring. To move on from this and forget Harry, but I couldn't find enough darkness in my soul to do such a thing.
Every breath I took, every beat my heart made, every tear all was tied to Harry or something that had to do with him. He was such a big part of my life now in such a little time I couldn't seem to push him away.
Finally, after driving around for a good half an hour, my gas monitor informed me I was low, and since I had no cash to fill up my tank I decided it was time to go home even though my tears hadn't lessened in the slightest.
Honestly I was nervous to go home. I was afraid for everyone to see me upset, I was paranoid at the fact I had just left Harry standing in the dust.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be mad, probably just scared like me, but for different reason's. I had feeling with these now present events, everything with Gemma was going to be forgotten. Just at the thought of having to deal with that to I felt my stomach twist hard.
I could only take so much in the course of twenty-four hours. By the time I had pulled up to Harry's house I was a wreck. All I wanted to do right now was take a couple of sleeping pills and sleep of the pain.
Sleep off today's events.
Sleep off the dread for tomorrow.
I wanted to be able to do something where I would be at peace, where I couldn't cry. Because when your asleep you can only cry in your dreams, which is less painful then doing it for real.
Taking a long deep breath I turned off my car once I had pulled into the parking lot, making sure to leave enough space for Harry to pull up.
After I had pocketed the keys to my car, I kicked my door open and slid out prior to kicking it shut, then jogged up the remainder of the driveway.
Luckily I had my spare key Harry had given me, so I didn't need to draw attention to myself by banging on the door with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat. I could feel a new wave coming, I could feel more emotion fighting my will to get to the surface.
Harry's car hadn't been in the driveway meaning he wasn't home yet, or he might've been, but I doubted it for he'd never leave his precious car at the school. Especially after today's event's, I know I would be.
When I had stumbled through the door I couldn't help but kick off my shoes in a frustrated fashion which caused them to hit the wall with a thud.
For a long moment I had been convinced Maddie would appear out of the kitchen once she heard my body come through the door, but she didn't. Meaning she was either upstairs, or out shopping.
Leaning heavily against the wall I took another shakey breath as a tear slipped.
I couldn't contain it anymore, I needed to let the new tears slips. At the moment my body was shaking hard, my face pale, limbs trembling, eyes red and swollen.
"I d-don't know w-what to do." I said miserably to myself, my body begining to feel like lead meaning I had to sit down or I was going to collaspe.
Starting to sob again, having no control over what the tears wanted, I carried myself into the living room, but didn't make it to the cushion's of the couch, instead I collasped behind the piece of furniture and curled into a ball.
I couldn't seem to control my emotions anymore.
I couldn't stop the tears, the uneven breath's, the clanking of my bones, the sweat coating my brow.
Allowing myself to then unwravel, I cried pityfully. Not caring anymore if anyone heard me. If anyone saw me.
Perhaps it would be best if someone found me, because I really needed a hug. I needed advice. I needed to know what to do. I was almost positive it had been Carson who did the flyers, I had no doubt.
To think he had betrayed me and Harry like that out of jealously made me want to punch him. Carson had done stupid, cruel, out of line things before but this was unbelievably over the top!
The only reason I had been convinced it was him, was because Carson was the only one who knew about us and owned a camera that could take those quality pictures.
I'm not sure how long it would take Harry to peace together that puzzle, but when he did I knew there was no stopping the inflictment of the punishment Carson would recieve from Harry's fist. To be honest I didn't care anymore if they brawled.
Maybe Harry would bash his head into the wall, and knock some sense into that numbskull of his. Then another factor came into mind. What if Harry got fired? I mean, financially it wouldn't be an issue, but mentally it would hurt him because Harry loved his job.
I wasn't sure what inspired him to be a teacher though with all of his amazing talents, but he loved it.
Though there were plently of other school's Harry could go teach at, and enjoy.
Doncaster University wasn't the only school around.
Maybe that meant there was-
My thoughts and sobs were then rudely cut off when I heard Harry gasp. "Louis! Baby." He said, and I looked up to see him lingering near the back of the couch.
In the mist of my sorrow I must've been oblvious to the fact he had entered the premises, and came in. He must've heard my sobs. Yet, I could only look up at him with my lips pressed in a thin line for I had no words to say, so I answered him with sniffles.
He then sighed, dropping down to his knee's and wrapping his arms around me, prior to sitting crossed legged and pulling me on his lap. Right now being in his arms felt like the most amazing feeling in the world.
"Shh baby.." He cooed, resting his chin on my head as I wrapped my arms around his waist, and buried my head into his chest; making sure to inhale his scent deeply. "I-I..t-they.." I tried to choke out, but he shushed me as he kissed my forehead.
"I know baby, I know." He said, his voice so soft and soothing I could finally feel my aching body begin to rest.
Relax.
"S-Shailene..hates..me.." I sniffled, the tears begining to pour over again as I gripped his shirt tightly. At that Harry shook his head quickly, burying his face in my hair. "No baby no, she doesn't hate you! I talked to her." Harry whispered, and at that I couldn't help but feel my mood lift slightly.
If Shailene had let Harry talked to her that had to be a good sign. Maybe she didn't mean the cruel words she had dumped on me, perhaps she was just in a state of shock and was having a natural reaction.
I mean, in her defense I did hide the fact from her that I was engaged in a relationship with my male teacher, and those flyers made it seem like it was for the wrong reason's.
"And I might've broken Carson's jaw, maybe a few ribs." Harry then said, making me immediately pull back to look up at him with wide eyes, upon me hearing that.
"You what?" I gasped, immediately regretting my earlier thoughts where I had wished Harry would beat up Carson, or where I had wished I could do it. Those were thoughts in a moment of frustration, anger, and hurt. Never did I really want that to happen.
"I might've beaten the shit out of Carson, but I did really talk to Shailene. She understands how much we love one another now, she doesn't hate. I'm going to ask her to stop by sometime so you both can talk." Harry said softly, stroking my hair.
I admit at his words in refrence to Shailene I felt a bit of the burden in my chest lessen, but it was instantly replaced with a new one, and I couldn't help but push Harry as I sat up in his lap sniffling.
"Why would you do that? Why?" I asked, even though I was almost postive why.
At my question Harry frowned. "Louis, he's the one that did it! You should of heard some of the things he said to me!" Harry stated, a sense of hurt crossing his face. I didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but there was a reason I never wanted Harry and Carson to get into a fight.
That reason being the fact that if someone faught Carson, and won he'd use that as an excuse to come after them. And from the sounds of it, it seemed like Harry had won the fight.
"You think I didn't know that?" I retorted, removing myself from his arms so I could stand up and look down at him.
"You think I didn't know the guy I use to call my best friend is hurting me? Us? But still, you shouldn't have done it! Because now, now he has something to blackmail us with! Another reason to be angry!" I shouted, then kicking the couch in frustration as I felt my stomach boil from a welt of stress.
I didn't mean to sound so harsh, it was just I couldn't keep my emotions at stable, reasonable levels. At my words Harry instantly shot up to his feet, his eyes dark now, and his fists clenched.
"Why am I wasting my bloody time? I'm trying Louis! I was angry, I couldn't control myself, but you know what-" His angry rant that could be classify as a scream was then cut off by a heavy sigh passing his lips.
"Whatever. Whatever Louis." He said, his tone tight as he shoved past me, and stormed towards the front door. I couldn't help but feel worse. I didn't want him to take my reaction the wrong way, I was just expressing my fear in the mist of being stressed and angry.
"Harry wait!" I called out, running after him, but by the time I had made it to the hall he had slammed the front door shut behind him. Letting out a ragged breath I ran my hands down my face as any ache that had disappeared re-appeared.
Once again I had made him upset, made him angry.
I didn't mean to. I was trying to. I just wasn't use to this kind of stress, and emotional pain. I mean, yes I had felt lost before I had been picked on before, but this was a whole new level of all of it.
Shaking my head while I wiped at loose tears slipping down my face again, I walked over back over to the couch, and laid down prior to pulling out my phone.
Right now, on one of the worst day's of my life the only thing I had known how to do was destract myself, and because all my friends were upset with me I could only turn to my family for destraction from my unsaid problems.
-
I wasn't really sure what had happened after I ended my hour long phone call with my sisters, my mind was in such a haze I paid little attention to the minor events around me.
Once or twice Maddie had poked her head into the living room, but said nothing to me except to inform me my dinner was in the microwave.
Anne had stopped by to, but only to inform me she was going for another job interview so she had a backup plan incase she didn't get employed at the other place.
Somewhere during me staring blankly at the ceiling I had drifted off to sleep.
I wasn't sure if it was because of the emotional strain or the fact I had very little sleep the prior night.
My sleep on the couch had been surprisingly peaceful, though it didn't last very long for about maybe twenty minutes into it I heard the absurd sounds of Harry stumbling through door, and talking loudly to Anne.
"I'm telling you! He hates me! Why would somebody like him love someone as piteous as me?" I heard Harry slur, his words quickly followed by a frustrated sigh from Anne.
"Shut up Harry, he loves you." She said in response, a bit sharply.
Upon hearing the two of them squabble, I sat up and rubbed my eyes to clear my blurred vision as she led him into the living room.
"No he doesn't. Your a liar." Harry grumbled, then they both looked to me. Harry was being held up my Anne, undoubtedly to drunk to stand on his own two feet. "Hi Louis." Anne sighed, her facial expressions evidently revealing she was stressed.
"Hi." I said quietly, my voice a bit tight from crying earlier, and just waking up. "Want me to take him to bed?" I then asked quickly, after I had risen to my feet. It was my fault Harry was drunk, and I wasn't going to let Anne suffer the responsiblity of my actions when I was fully capiable of it.
"Why don't you ever listen to me! He hates me." Harry whimpered, leaning heavily into his mum, and Anne sighed in a deep fashion.
"Yes please! I found him sitting in the driveway mumbling about this and that and now he's driving me crazy." She said, shaking her head at Harry as he looked over at me with red rimmed eyes then back to her.
"Mummy I am crazy. I thought he loved me, but I was wrong." Harry said, and I felt my throat close up.
They did always say that when your drunk your true sentiment's would be revealed in a slur.
Though just because Harry thought all this dreadful stuff didn't make it anymore true then my pet unicorn living in the garage.
"Okay. I've got him." I assured, closing the last couple of steps between us prior to grabbing Harry's waist, and he instinctively leaned into me wilst wrapping his arm around my shoulders for support, which made Anne sigh with relief.
"Do you need help getting him upstairs?" She asked, rubbing her shoulder that Harry had been putting all his weight on, but I shook my head. "No, don't worry. I've got him." I promised, then began to gently lead Harry towards the stairs while he took deep breaths.
"C'mon sweetheart, lets get you cleaned up, and in bed." I coaxed, begining to slowly help him up the steps, but by the time we had reached the fifth one he stumbled, nearly knocking us both down the stairs.
"Sorry." I said quickly, taking the blame for that for I probably hadn't held his waist tight enough. "I think my boyfriend hates me." Harry sighed, keeping his eyes trained on the marble of the steps as I proceeded to help him climb them once more.
It was strange how Harry always seemed to forget I was his boyfriend when he was drunk, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't cute when I told him, and he got all excited. Even though Harry was a couple of years older then me, and probably a couple of feet taller he was adorable at times.
"No he doesn't Harry, he loves you. Alot. I promise." I said from the bottom of my heart, for it was true. I could never hate Harry. I could dislike him at times, but never in a million years hate him.
After I had said that, Harry became quiet for the rest of the walk up the stairs, and didn't break his silence until we had entered his bedroom. "I think he's scared of." He admitted, and I couldn't help but frown in surprise as I guided him over to the bed and sat him down.
Have I showed an emotion that was similiar to fear around Harry?
I can't recall ever being scared of him. I might've been, but just didn't remember though.
"Why's that?" I asked softly, walking over to his draws and pulling out a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt. "I don't know. I'm petrified he thinks I'll hurt him after what I did to that dirty shagger." He informed, following me with his eyes as I chuckled, but my stomach twisted.
What Harry had done to Carson didn't make me scared of him in the slightest. It made me scared of Carson.
"And would you hurt him?' I asked, walking over to him and placing the clothes down next to him prior to pulling off his sweat soaked shirt, an action he didn't protest to.
"Nope, never. I would only be hurting myself. I'd only hit him in a kinky way like spanking and shit." Harry said, remaining still for me as I pulled on the fresh t-shirt over his bare torso then dropped down to my knee's to peel off his socks, the garments on his bottom half.
"What would you do if he came in here right now?" I asked, tossing his dirty boxers, and jeans aside so I could put the new pair on him. Yes I was dressing Harry, it's not like there was some secret part on him I had never seen before.
"Who?'' He asked, frowning at my question, and I laughed.
"Your boyfriend silly." I said playfully as I stood back up and began to comb my fingers through his hair to remove any knots. I would've used the comb, but I didn't feel like going into the bathroom.
"Oh!" He giggled, batting my hands away and I smiled down at him softly as he laid back on the bed. "I'd wrap my arms around him and tell him that I'm sorry, and how much I love him." He said, his voice becoming dreamy as he shift positions on the bed and curled up into a ball.
I couldn't help but smile softly at that as I folded my arms over my chest. If anything I should be the one hugging him and appoligizing for what happened yesterday. Harry had nothing to say sorry for. In his head he may have thought so, but in reality he didn't.
"He would love that." I sighed truthfully, because even though I was the one who needed to say sorry, I did want him to hold me right now. With that thought I then looked down and added very softly under my breath, "If only I could undo today's unfortunate events."
Harry hadn't seem to hear those words though, or if he did he had no comment to make for he only nodded as he closed his eyes. "I have something for him." Harry then said, his voice quiet now as he popped open an eye to look at me then closed it.
"What?" I asked, looking away from my feet and at him with curiousity. "Secret. No one can know!" He pouts, giggling as he grabbed the blanket and pulled it over his head. See, cute. Yet I still rolled my eyes.
"Well he has something for you to." I informed, referring to my necklace and stuff animal present that I needed to go pick up soon. "Well I bet mine is better!" Harry shouted, his voice muffled by the pillow, and he laughed.
With that I smiled softly, not protesting to his comment as I walked over to him and kissed his temple. "Their always better Harry." I whispered.
Then with that I left the room.
I didn't really feel sleepy after that, I felt my miserable ache in my chest take place again. For the next thirty minutes or so I had paced around the hall, my mind blank, and eyes finally dry.
Somewhere during that time lapse Ireland had come bounding out of who know's where and trotted behind me, occasionally snapping at my fingers. Every now and then I would pause and pat him on the head to show I was aware he was present.
Soon though my legs were tired, and even though I didn't want to sleep alone in the guest bedroom again, I began to make my way over there. No point in wandering the halls all night, and loosing another night of precious sleep.
I wasn't a very nice person when sleep deprived. "C'mon buddy, you need to get some rest to." I sighed, stopping at the entrance of the guest bedroom, and scooping up Ireland. When I had walked into the guest bedroom I felt as if I was in exhile.
I wanted desparately to go to sleep in Harry's bed, but I knew it wouldn't be smart. We hadn't exactly decided whether we were on good terms or not. When I had settled Ireland on the bed, I walked over to my duffle bag I had lugged in, and pulled out a t-shirt to wear over my boxers.
Once I had changed into more comfortable sleeping attire, I then opened the guest room door in case someone called for me, and crawled into bed next to Ireland.
"Looks like it's just me and you again buddy." I said, smiling weakly at him as I cuddled him close to my chest, the way I use to do when Scruff was a puppy. "Good night Ireland." I mumbled, then let my eyes drift to the empty side of the bed.
"Goodnight Harry." I said, feeling misery wash over my in a bucket as I closed my eyes. "Goodnight Louis." I then heard a unfathomable voice say, and I glanced behind me to see Harry leaning against the doorway with a tired smile, thin but effective.
"H-Harry?" I choked out, a bit surprised for I had been nearly positive he was asleep. "Got room for one more?" He asked, shuffling over to the side of the bed, and I nodded with out a word.
"Good because this bed is defiantely made for two." He said, making a small smile tug at my lips.
With that his vast frame slid onto the bed behind me, and those two arms my body had been screaming for were wrapped around my waist, and he buried his face into my neck.
"My angel," He whispered.
"My world."

Notes