Clarity

When I got home about half an hour later, I was trapped in such a tangle of frustrating thoughts my mood had become short tempered and fussy.
Harry was really messing me up, and I think allowing my needs for physical contact to come through the other night had made it worse. Even then with that being said I still for whatever reason didn't regret the blow job.
I was still angry though that he had tried to get me into bed with him shortly after. If there was one thing I could confirm it would be the fact I wasn't going to let him have sex with me or kiss me again. "C'mon boy we're going for a walk." I announce to my pet the moment I walk through the door, and rid myself of my school bag so I could grab the red and black checkered leash off the end table.
"Scuff! Scruffo! Scrufferoo!" I call puckering my lips and whistling the moment my dog came bounding into veiw, with one of snap backs hanging from his mouth.
"Hey buddy! You trying to be a gangster?" I coo as I drop down onto my knee's and he instantly lays down on his stomach and puts his head in my lap.
"Yeah that's what I thought blondie." I tease as I grab the snap back out of his mouth and place it on his head causing him to look around confused. "Alright enough messing around." The snap back is then pulled off his head and I toss it aside before standing up and clipping on his leash then grabbing a tennis ball from his pile of toys.
The walk to the park was a short, brief, peaceful one. I actually could feel my troublesome thoughts clearing as I walked down the sidewalk with Scruff, occasionally stopping to let him go to the bathroom in the grass.
It was a nice day.
Not to warm, not to cold.
Just right.
After a ten minute walk me and Scruff entered the park and I led my excited dog over to the sports feild that was right next to the woods and took off his leash before tossing his ball. After playing fetch for a little bit my arm got tired so I scoped out a stick and gave to him to chew on so I could sit in the crisp grass.
For the past hour me and him have been out my thoughts were focus on everything but Harry and now they were drifting back to the oversized, bad tempered, curly haired lad. After today's events in class I just didn't know what to do anymore.
He was completely messing me up, messing me up to the point I wanted to scream in frustration. I was actually scared at this point, because I couldn't tell if I hated him or liked him. I was definately, even though we had faught today, could feel a soft spot forming for him.
If you took away the bad temper, perverted comments and demanding attitude; he was kind of a nice guy. Most definate the gentleman type when given the chance. Then again Carson held doors open for me to and he was the furthest thing away from a gentleman.
So maybe I shouldn't go making predictiments.
Harry did seem to have a bit of a generous side though, I mean for goodness sakes he did give me a two hundred thousand dollar car for free! Guys who are self-centered jerks didn't just do that. Or maybe some did to give a good impression.
"Make it stop.." I then groan running my hands down my face and laying back on the grass so I could kick out my legs.
I really couldn't just take this anymore.
Yes, okay. It was obvious now, Harry had a thing for me whether it be sexual attraction or an attraction to my looks.
Yet what did I feel towards him?
Yes he made me angry, which was strange because I wasn't a naturally angry person. Yes he also made me to begin to question my sexuality considering the fact I had let him blow me. Yes I was forming a soft spot for him, and was actually kinda enjoyed his presence even though I was desparately trying to convince myself otherwise.
Maybe the reason I was lashing out was because I was becoming fond of him and was scared of the fact he liked me? Maybe the soft spot that was forming was a need for his friendship? I mean I can't lie, even though there is a three to four year age difference he was definately the kind of guy I'd be friends with, well I'd be companions with his good side.
I had no interest in jerks, had no tolerance for them.
Even though I could be one occasionally.
"Hey buddy." I cluck calling Scruff and he barked as a slobbery stick was dumped on my stomach and he sat down next to me before rolling over on his side and I turned my head to the left so we could make eye contact.
"I think I'm loosing it boy. I mean like seriously! This Harry guy is eating me alive in a literal sense and I can't seem to find a way to stop it. I feel like I hate him one second, then like him in a friend way the next. Yet he's so annoying, and only seems to want one thing from me. But is that because I'm innocent as my mum puts it? I mean yeah I've done some miner uninnocent things but nothing major like the stuff I've done with him! Oh did I forget to mention he's like a foot taller then me? He always seem to have a sense of control and he-"
My ramble was then cut off by Scruff licking my cheek and nudging it with his nose as he whined. "Yeah I know." I sigh as I stroke his head and scratch behind his ears. "He's just so complicated. I can't even keep up anymore. Maybe I should just switch classes to avoid anymore contact." I admit even though I really didn't want to.
Switching classes after the first month of school was really hard, and could completely mess up your time scale. It almost wasn't far. It was like I had the short end of the stick, and he got the last laugh.
Stupid arse.
I almost wish during our fight after school today that I had just yelled and told him I wasn't interested. Because I wasn't. Maybe now though I could offer a peace treaty of friendship? Then again friends don't start off their relationship by naughty time in the bathroom of a bar and a blow job.
There was no way it was going to be a healthy friendship, especially with him liking me. There was no point in even making an attempt.
"Oh shoot!" I then shouted as I slapped my forehead causing Scruff to jump slightly from surprise. I had forgotten my bloody homework. I needed that homework, I had to keep up with History. I was already falling slightly behind in English and was stressed out enough.
If I left right now I could go to the school and get a copy of whatever our assignment was for tonight and maybe get myself some dinner through a drive through. Then again I was already low on gas and I didn't want to waste anymore money.
Suddenly the thought occured that maybe I could just go to Harry's house and pick it up? The neighborhood he lived in was just a five minute walk if I took a short cut through the woods.
No, no, no!
It was insane to even consider showing up after our small falling out in class. I didn't want to look weak. Then again I wanted to see Harry and appoligize, because I was still guilt ridden from my behavior and rather mean words, and I really needed that homework.
A sigh soon escaped my lips as I rose to my feet and pulled the leash out of my pocket and untangled it. "C'mon boy, we're gonna go visit a rich person! Maybe you can pee on his lawn for revenge." I say in a playful matter to my dog who cocks his head at me and I clip the leash on his collar.
The entire walk there my nerves were in a frenzy, causing my heart to pound and stomach to churn. A part of me was screaming this was a very bad idea, and the other half was shouting at me to do it. I wasn't going to stay long anyways.
Or at least I hoped so. At this point I didn't know what to expect with Harry. It was overwhelming. "Now be good." I warn my pet while we walk into the elebrate neighborhood and I admire the houses as we walk down the long sidewalk.
Finally the moment had come when I stopped directly in front of Harry's house and felt my breathing alter to a sharp face paced one. "Please let this go well." I plead to karma silently as I walked up the marble stone of the long driveway and Scruff tugs on the leash so he could sniff at the grass and I gave his leash a tug before shortening it to keep him at my side.
By the time I had gotten up to the door my legs were trembling and I wanted to run but instead I raised my fist and tapped lightly on the door then rang the doorbell twice. Here goes nothing. "Now if you chew up the carpets he'll sue us." I say stroking my dogs head and the sound of the door unlocking came to par and it swung open revealing Maddie who portrayed a welcoming smile.
I liked her.
"Oh! Louis? I wasn't expecting to see you here. Again." She says cocking a small eyebrow and Scruff tug slightly on his leash to sniff her hand and she laughed,
"Yeah that makes two of us." I admit and smile down at my beloved dog.
"He's a cutie what's his name?" She asks and I smile pridefully, "Scruff. He's four years old and a pure bred." I inform and she laughs again as she lets him lick her hand then she pats his head.
"He's a doll. Please, both of you. Come in! I think Harry is in his office, I'll go get him." She says stepping back and holding open the door so we both could step inside then she shut the large barrier and disappeared up the stairs faster then Shailene when they had her favorite brand of make up on sale.
"Okay." I call softly after her and I lean against the wall of the hall as Scruff sniffs at a pair of Harry's boots then sneezes causing me to laugh. "They smell that bad huh?"
Then the sound of pounding feet echoed upstairs and then I heard Harry clamoring down the steps in a clumbsy fashion, before appearing in the front hall a couple of feet in front of me.
"Louis!" He said an excited look spread across his face which immediately disappeared as I shot him a weird look,
"I mean Mr. Tomlinson." He corrects as he stands up in his teacher like posture which instantly vanishes again once he see's Scruff, "Oh! Is that your dog? He's so cute!" Harry coo's waving at my pet and I felt my eyes widden slightly.
Who the heck was this? Because it sure didn't seem like Harry.
"Um..oh uh yeah! Scruff this is Harry, and Harry this is Scruff." I introduce and Harry grins as he drops down on his knee's and holds out a hand for my dog to lick, which my curious animal does straining against the leash with wide curious eyes and Harry taps his nose with his index finger.
"Can I pet him?" He asks and I bite my lip as I nod and loosen the leash so Scruff could trot over to Harry and sniff him before licking him and Harry laughed as he scratched behind Scruff's ears and kissed his nose,
"Who's a cute little boy, you are, aren't you a precious boy? Aren't you?" He baby talks as I give him a weird look. Okay, this was a little weird. But then again kinda cute in a strange way. "I think he likes you." I then manage to comment as I sit down crossed legged and rest my chin on my hand.
Note to self, don't bring Scruff next time.
"Most doggies do!" Harry states with a giggle, and I choke. Oh my gosh, who is this? I demand the real Harry! Well actually no I kinda like this Harry who now had wide eyes and went deadly silent. "Did you just giggle?" I ask a small smile of amusement appearing on my face.
"Oh shoot, please just pretend you didn't hear that." He begs as Scruff lays down and rests his head in Harry's lap.
"But I did."
"Well just pretend."
"I'm not a very good pretender."
"Louis.."
"Fine."
He then sighed, 'I don't normally giggle in front of people, that was ermm..an accident.." He admits a light pink crossing his cheeks.
What was wrong with this guy? Was he okay? He wasn't acting like, Harry.
"It's okay, it was very..ermm..manly?" I comfort with a laugh and he laughs as well causing the last of my nerves to melt. Fine. Maybe I did like spending time with him.
Shut up Louis.
"Okay if you put it that way, then yes." Harry comments as he bites his lip and smiles down at Scruff, "I always wanted a dog. My parents would never let me though." He then confesses looking up at me with a grin,
"What kind were you interested in?" I ask curiously and he looks up at the ceiling in thought for a moment then back to me. "I've always wanted a husky, and I would've called him Ireland." He strokes Scruff's head and I nod in approval at the unique name choice for a dog.
"That's pretty cool actually, why don't you get one now? You do have lots of money." I remind and he shakes his head the smile fading slightly, "I feel like it just isn't the right time. You've got to get a dog when it's the right time. That's my theroy."
That was actually a good theroy, he seemed like he had alot of those minus a few I disaproved of. Like my sexuality. But I was going to push that thought away right now because I wanted to keep everything calm between us.
"When did you get your dog?" He then asks and I smile slightly at the memory.
"When me and my family moved to our new house a few years back, I got placed into another school. Lets just say not everyone excepted me right away, because they were a bunch of cliques that had known each other for years. I still had Carson and Shailene, but they didn't go to my school anymore. So for my sixteenth birthday my mom got me a puppy to be my companion. I did get friends shortly afterwards but Scruff helped me through alot of stuff. Like when my ex Hannah and me broke up. It was painful. Yet thanks to him I managed."
I tell and I feel my inside jump slightly in surprise that I had opened up and let him know a little bit about me and my past.
I was gonna need a whole lot of theropy when this was all over.
"Aww..that's such a sweet story! Maybe that should be your next story?" He suggests and I shrugged,
"It would be my first actually and I don't really have the patience to write a book. I hardly read them unless I have to. One time I started to read David Beckham's autobiography but Scruff here ate it." I laugh at the memory because I had actually been kinda mad at him for that, it wasn't the first time he had chewed up something I liked though.
"Now that one you should definately make into a one shot."
"One shot's are like fanfiction. Don't you keep up with the world?"
"More then you do!" He teases and I swat him causing to Scruff to jump up as we both laughed. "So anyways back on topic, why did you come here?" He asks his tone then going serious and all professional.
"I forgot my homework and was hoping you had a copy to give me because I can't fall behind anymore in my classes."
"Wow you really didn't pay attention today did you?"
"Well.."
"Louis we didn't have homework. I forgot to assign any, but that's okay because we'll have time to do it tomorrow!"
I then slapped my forehead for the second time that night as I exhaled, "Well then I guess I should be going." I say standing up slowly and Harry stood up as well matching my pace, "Wanna stay for dinner?" He offers and I shake my head,
"No, I can't. Sorry." I say actually relieved I had a legit excuse for saying no. "Okay I understand. Oh wait! I have something for you." He then informs as he holds up a finger and runs into the living room at a quick pace.
He has something for me? Did he mean like a present? Or a restraining order? Maybe a warning.
Now I felt my nerves kicking back in again.
Harry then walked back in, after no more then two minutes and he held a CD case.
"For you." He says slipping it in my pocket before I could protest about him putting his hand there, and then he lowered his lips to my ears and whispered,
"I know it won't all make sense but maybe it could help?"
His lips were then pulled back and he gave Scruff one last pat as he walked over to the door and held it open for me.
"Thanks, see you tomorrow I guess." I mumble just loud enough for him to hear and he nods as he gives me a small wave and even smaller smile and I shrug as I walk out the door and it closes with a bang behind me.
Once I make it down to the end of the sidewalk I quickly reach behind me and remove the CD from my back pocket and read the case,
"Don't Let Me Go? What?"
-Harry's P.O.V-
I chuckled softly as I watched Louis from the window of my living room and saw him remove the CD and read it with a confused expression. It had taken alot of courage to hand that to him, but it had to be done.
I could feel it now, I was breaking down the wall of resistence he had built against me. I was hoping the song I had spent hours writing and composing would pay off or I think I'm going to die a little inside.
From the moment I had laid my eyes on the angelic looking boy I had liked him. I wasn't really sure why though? Maybe it was the way his baby blue eyes swirled with intelligence and confidence? Or how his Justin Beiber styled hair flopped down in front of his eyes, making him look like a baby faced sixteen year old.
Also I loved how small he was.
He was just over all so pure and precious looking.
Though I have to admit for the first two weeks I hated him so much I actually considered moving classes. I couldn't stand how he liked to push my limits and desrespect me. Of course though he wasn't the worst trouble student I had ever had.
Really in all honesty he wasn't all that bad. I didn't start to realize I had a thing for him though until that night at the bar. Then from the moment I help him get dress and left him in the bathroom to recover, I knew.
I knew I liked him.
I had for a while in all honesty.
I remember after my first day at work I followed Maddie around the house the whole day ranting about how much I hated him, then by the end of the second week I was rambling on about every little detail of his face, and about how much I liked him.
Yet now I was confused.
I honestly couldn't tell if he hated me or liked me? And even if he did like me, was it in a crush way or friend way? He did seem really ticked off at me today, but maybe that's just the way he's handling things?
Though no matter how hard I tried I couldn't convince myself this would all end happily.
I couldn't convince myself that he would ever like me.
There seemed to be a couple of moments where he was interested, but the rest of the time he seemed to pay no attention to my existence unless it was to yell at me for something I did wrong or annoy me.
"Did you give it to him?" Maddie's voice then call out and I turn away from the window and blink a few times as I nod and walk over then sit on the couch, and she takes a seat next to me.
"I'm scared Maddie. What if it only makes him more angry? What if it only turns him off more? I'm trying so hard. I thought that night he stayed for dinner that maybe we had made some progress but then he shows up late today and causes me a whole world of problems! I just-"
She then cut me off by shushing me,
"Harry calm down."
"I'm trying, but I'm just so nervous. I really like him. I feel like some desparate school girl."
"Do you want my advice?" She then asks ignoring my school girl comment and I nod biting my trembling bottom lip and she grabs my hand in a motherly way and gives it a light squeeze.
"I think that he does like you, but just doesn't realize it yet. Because think about it, why would he keep agreeing to come here? Then come here again on his own? If he really hated you, he wouldn't have even let you suggest the idea."
She assures then adds,
"Or maybe your charm is starting to butter him up. Either way I think he's starting to become fond of you, but remember Harry. He's a young adult. He still makes mistakes. If this doesn't work out, don't blame yourself. This is a very unqiue situation."
I then sighed as my heart begin to speed up,
"He helps though. Even though he stresses me out, he helps."
"I know dear, I know."
-Louis' P.O.V-
"I hope I'm not waisting my time listening to this." I mutter to myself as I pull my laptop out from under the couch and open it so I could boot it up to listen to the CD.
The whole walk home had been me taking a bunch of short cuts because I was deadly curious what this CD was.
I was almost positive it was a song, but what kind of song? I really hope it was bad, because I couldn't handle him confessing his love in a love song. I bet he couldn't sing though, even though he looked like he could be a popstar. He had all the assets and very few flaws.
"Sorry if it's annoying." I appoligize to Scruff even though deep down inside I had a feeling this song wasn't going to be disappointing.
I then popped open the player and slid in the CD before pressing play, and the soft sound a piano filled the air.

Now you were standing there right in front of me
I hold on, it's getting harder to breathe
All of a sudden these lights are blinding me
I never noticed how bright they would be
The lyrics immediately reminded me of the bright classroom lights and the first time Harry looked at me with those piercing green eyes.

I saw in the corner there is a photograph
No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you
It lies there alone in its bed of broken glass
This bed was never made for two
The thought then occured of how his bed was designed in a way only meant for one large person and he had all the empty picture frames,

I'll keep my eyes wide open
I'll keep my arms wide open
Maybe that was his cry out that he was keeping his eyes open trying to find someone else?

Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone
In this part my heart beat begin to speed up and hands tremble. I took as him pleading me to give him a chance and to linger just a little longer in his presense because he was lonely? How could he be lonely? He was rich? Then again he did only live with a maid in an oversized house.

I promised one day that I'd bring you back a star
I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand, oh
Seems like these days I watch you from afar
Just trying to make you understand
I'll keep my eyes wide open, yeah
This was definately about him watching me in class. Though I wasn't sure about the star part?

Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone
Don't let me
Don't let me go

Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

Don't let me
Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of feeling alone

Don't let me
Don't let me go
'Cause I'm tired of sleeping alone
Then as the last lyrics were sang out I felt my heart clench. He was lonely. He felt like I was keeping him company. It was assured he most definately liked me. "
Oh gosh Harry.." I whispered as I slouched against the couch and slowly begin to close the laptop then licked my lips as I re-opened it and clicked replay.
I had to. I had to listen again. I had to torment myself further, I needed to listen closely. I needed to hear his voice. I needed to use this song to sort out my thoughts.
I felt my stomach flutter in a strange way and tears prickling in the corner of my eyes from staring at the bright screen. I was slowly then with in that moment begining to believe I liked him, and not as a friend.
But did I accept it?
Why did my emotions keep making me contridict myself?
Did I accept I might slowly be falling for someone of my own gender?
Or was I still confused?
No Louis, your free falling.

Notes