And she didn’t stop for the next long space of time. When she did it was only to struggle to express herself through some mixtures of heaves and a couple of sounds that reminded a bit of words.

“I… It’s just so terribly unfair! W-why d-did any of this happen in the first place?!”

“We know…” Em replied.

“I mean, you two are the most incredible girls in the w-world! You’re the last persons on the f-fucking planet who d-deserved this. I only have nightmares about you getting so humiliated and abused, especially Maja, I h-have all the images in my head still…”

“Aida, please stop…” Em tried but she kept going:

“I’ve realized what my weakness is. People can do to me almost whatever they want to and it won’t touch me as long as they don’t matter to me. But if anyone hurt the people that do matter to me… It’s killing me. And it’s not just the fact that I know you got hurt, but also the fact that it affects me so f-fucking much! All I want to is to be strong for you, you must really need my support, I would feel even more awful if I couldn’t at least give that to you.”


She needed this. She needed to let it out. Even though both Em and I wanted her to stop saying the words that hurt all of us, we remained quiet knowing that this was a huge burden on her shoulders, and if there was anything in this world that we would want for her, then it would be to let go of all of this. Let go of all the bad. She was too good a person to deserve feeling sad.

“What we need is for you to get better,” I told her once she took a deep breath in between her fast stream of heaving words.

“But I don’t know how to get better, if I know you’re feeling like s-shit!” she sobbed which made me take a step back from our tight hug.

“Aida. Look at me. Please look at me,” I demanded making her lift her red swollen eyes upon me. “I’m doing fine. For now I’m doing just fine. You honestly don’t have to worry about me.”

“What? You just say that to make me feel better. You’re not being honest,” she stubbornly replied.

“I seriously have no idea how I’m already feeling this good, but I’m happy. My only and extremely big concern is you guys as well. I don’t want you to feel hurt and I certainly don’t want you to feel that way on my behalf.”

“See, even though you say that those f-fucking images are still haunting me every time I close my fucking eyes!”

Her outbreak made me silent. And Em as well. We could only give her our most understanding look and hope that she would somehow find some kind of comfort in them.

“I just don’t know what to do…” she sighed while drying off her wet cheeks with an irritated movement. I wish I could tell her what to do, something that would assure that everything would be fine. But I honestly had no idea of how I’d gotten better already, I hadn’t been doing anything different than Aida, except for the fact that she’d been forced to look at her friend being treated and humiliated that way I’d gotten last Thursday. Which left me in no position of telling her what to do, since I had no idea of what that must’ve felt like. This was frustrating as hell.


“Let Harry in,” Em suddenly said, taking both Aida and I by surprise and we both stared at her with curious looks on our faces waiting for her to elaborate. “I mean… I just remember from myself that what actually helped a lot to get past something as terrible as this, was to know that I had Liam right beside me no matter what. Even though I couldn’t even touch him for most of the beginning. Just sensing his presence and being assured about his loyalty and love was the biggest help of all – even more than you guys. I’m sorry, but that’s the truth.”


But we weren’t mad. We were just… Wow. That girl might be absolutely right.

“But… I have let Harry in?” Aida asked confused.

“Girl, I know you,” Em immediately said which caused a frown to her friend’s forehead. “And you don’t let any people in unless they’ve given you at least a thousand reasons to do so, which is okay when you think about all the times that you’ve had a bad experience with doing so.”

“I…” Aida tried to object but she ended up just closing her mouth again.

“By letting Harry in, not just because of the help that you might get from it but also because that boy really deserves the best of you, I think you will really start to feel that support and connection from him that is so amazing,” Em said with a kind smile that almost reminded me of Eleanor’s.

“I can’t just do that,” Aida shook her head. “I don’t know how to act any way else than with a bit of caution.”

“Actually I think you do,” Em said honestly and her strength and power was really surprising both Aida and I by now. “You’ve always been well aware of what you were doing and when you would be extra cautious. And that’s when people get close to you, when people ask you questions you’re not comfortable with.”


At that point my mind travelled to poor Harry. How he’d asked me about Aida and her parents and their religion, because he wasn’t sure whether or not he could ask her those questions. It had seemed a bit odd to me that he didn’t know how she would react, but right then and there I realized that I only found that odd… because I knew her. Aida had let me in, among only a few. And it would really take a lot from Harry to convince her that he deserved to be among those people as well. The people who deserved her trust.


“You’re right…” Aida sighed while looking down at her feet. “But now I also feel horrible for not treating Harry the way he deserves!” She was just about to start crying again when both Em and I pulled her back in to our embrace.

“He’s here for you, trust me,” I mumbled. And it was true. Harry really cared about her, it was so clear to everyone. He wouldn’t be hanging around through this if he was feeling differently.

“I know,” she sniffled. “He’s just so god damn perfect!”

“Yeah, he is,” I chuckled when I could tell that she was smiling.

She quickly dried off her eyes cheeks and eyes and forced herself to hold her head high.

“Can I still do that braid on you?” she asked me and I nodded while we all laughed kindly at what she said.


When we were about to head back towards the kitchen to get some breakfast we could hear the boys laugh loudly together and the smell of pancakes had started to fill the apartment, which went pretty quickly since it was so tiny.

“I bet it’s Niall who’s making breakfast,” I mumbled to the other girls and they smiled widely when it turned out that I was right. I had gotten a treat of his fantastic pancakes before at his house and to see him cooking up anything was possibly the cutest thing I’d ever seen, he was so innocent and clumsy in the most perfect way.


Maybe the reason why I already felt this good was that I had Niall? Had I really let him in? Not completely, no. But this was the closest that any guy had ever been to me, I had never known anyone as special as him and it felt amazing to know that he hopefully felt the same way about me. I hadn’t had any nightmares last night because I didn’t fall asleep at all. Because I was thinking nonstop about the guy lying right next to me. I had been staring at him through the dark and the sound of his lovely snoring had only made me smile even more. Right now it seemed all weird to be dreaming about anything else than Niall, I mean, how could I? I loved him.


“What about you Maja?” Em suddenly asked pulling me out of my rather comfortable and foolish thoughts.

“What?” I asked since I hadn’t heard a word of the conversation.

She seemed to have noticed where my glance had been at for the last many seconds, which was on my boyfriend, as she sat there smirking widely at me and waiting a moment before elaborating her question in order to make me blush as heavily as possible, since everybody in the kitchen were now staring at me.

“Do you need to take a shower before the concert tonight?” she then finally said.

“Uhm… Yeah, I would like that,” I said to her trying to seem as cool as possible and not as befuddled as I actually found myself acting.

“Okay, then you’ll go first, you’re the quickest,” she now just mumbled but the smirk on her lips hadn’t faded the slightest bit still.


“Hey girls, we have a question for you,” Harry announced a few minutes later when we were all gathered extremely closely around the small table. “Us boys are doing a gig for some charity event in a week. It’s some kind of Christmas special with a red carpet and so on, even though is quite casual still. Would you like to come? You know, as our dates?”

I looked around Aida and Em to see that we all had the same kind of proud grin on our faces as we all nodded at the same time. Even though I was excited as hell for my first red carpet event, I deep down inside was going out of my mind of concern. What the heck was I going to wear?! What would people think of us? They already hated us pretty much for stealing the rest of their beloved single guys, so maybe it actually couldn’t get any worse?

“Aida, you’re going to be my stylist,” I just commanded, knowing that I would desperately need her help if had any intention of giving a good impression of us at this event.



The hours of that Saturday flew by in the blink of an eye, spending your time with people as great at the ones I had around me. The girls and I did a bit of light rehearsing, just to check up on the last couple of songs. We all showered and Aida did this beautiful and grungy halo braid on my hair before we changed in to the clothes that Aida had suggested. As always it turned out to be the most amazing outfits for all of us;

Me in my grey oversize v-neck t-shirt tugged in to a black skater skirt, some black stockings and my black leather boots. Along with the braided hairstyle and some light makeup I was looking both cute and cool at the same time.

Em wore a white oversize shirt with rolled up sleeves and a pair of black leather jeans and her red Nike Air Max. She’d almost an hour and a half on straightening her insanely thick blonde hair so that she could put it up in a tall and very elegant ponytail.

As always Aida looked like one hot piece of black ass as she stepped out of her room wearing a white crop top with transparent sleeves that revealed some of the many beautiful tattoos that she had scattered all over her body, along with some high waisted denim skinny jeans that she’d rolled up in the end and a pair of white All Stars.

Despite her miserable and frustrating situation these days she still somehow managed to pull off a flawless look that completely drew the entire attention of the room towards her and I couldn’t hold back a quiet giggle when I saw the hungry look on Harry’s face once she was bending down with her back turned towards him to pack her guitar for the concert.



“I’m so sorry we can’t be there tonight,” Niall sighed when we were inside my room only minutes before leaving. “I always love going to your concerts.”

“No, it’s okay, you must be exhausted,” I said. “You’ve been there all the other times. I honestly can’t wait to hear you boys sing a proper gig on next Saturday.”

I smiled widely at him before lidding up a cigarette.

“What if anything happens again?” he blurred obviously not listening to what I had said the second earlier. I lifted my gaze to look at him, his eyes were filled with worry and anxiety and it killed me to see him that concerned about something so outrageous and stupid as the rape that took place a few days ago.

At first I was about to say that that was just a crazy thought and that he shouldn’t even think about that any longer at all. But the sincere truth in his glance was scared. And sad. So terrible to watch that it made me hurry towards him and cup his face in my hands to hold it in place right in front of mine.

“I’m sorry for all of this,” I just said. “What a mess this is.”

“Yeah,” he mumbled looking down at his feet, so I used my hand to lift his head by his chin.

“I…” I stuttered. What was this? “I…” I kept saying, but somehow I couldn’t finish that sentence probably scared as hell of how he would react, but also because I wasn’t sure whether I was ready to tell him all about my feelings for him already. Though they were true and strong they still involved the ultimate giving in to him, which I wasn’t ready for.

So instead I just decided to kiss his soft lips in the most loving and caring way that I could, wanting him to lose the thought of terrible things like rape, when this should be a completely normal and relaxed day for him. He kissed me back with the same kind of mix of tenderness and force to his kisses.

I wondered whether I would one day be capable of telling him everything about myself. All about my love for him. All about my bulimia. Yeah. Just mainly telling him the fucking truth.

Notes