Our gig at Dirty Dicks went really well. Writing songs on command had become a lot easier for us from doing it almost daily by this point, so now we would only play our own at the concert which made it a bit more special and insanely nerve wracking. To do a cover of a song that people already knew was somewhat an easy way to get the audiences’ attention, so performing without those really made all of us question whether or not our own music would be able to keep everybody entertained and captured the way that we always could only hope for.

But according to the closely packed bar and Andy’s excitement when he told us that he would begin to pay us one thousand five hundred pounds for each monthly performance, because of all the people that apparently seemed to come and support us, we did pretty good.
Both Aida, Em and I knew that the massive attention we got, was mostly because of us having boyfriends as famous as Harry Styles, Liam Payne and Niall Horan, but we didn’t care. What mattered to us was the standing applauses and the smiles on people’s faces during our songs, if they were just here because of the boys then we hoped that they at least liked what they heard and saw.

I actually also felt quite good with what I was wearing that night as well. It was relaxed, feminine and yet cool, everything thanks to my dear friend, Aida, who was feeling better and better each minute. I think it helped to just be with us girls and have some fun and not having Harry around her to remind her of the tension that she felt towards him, despite how much she actually liked him.
To be with only the people that she was completely comfortable with, the people who knew her inside and out and still accepted and loved her, calmed her down and made her think of nothing but us and our music and not that rape shit that we’d had to deal with for the last couple of long days.

I loved how my black skater skirt hid my hips as its loose fabric fell down to cover almost all of my embarrassing body parts, which was also my bum and thighs. The braid on my head that Aida had done was beautiful as always, she was so good at that, and according to the heated kisses that Niall gave me before he, Liam and Harry would leave to go home and rest before a busy week of rehearsals for the charity show on Saturday. Sunday late evening they would leave for a performance at a talent show or something in France.

Even though this would be their “time off” they were still insanely busy with doing so much other stuff, it was quite crazy really. It had become clear to the girls and I how much a job like theirs took and how much hard work they would have to put in to it, but honestly… None of that scared us at all. We were so hungry and eager for a career that involved what we loved most in this world, which was music. And for me personally… nothing else but music.
And that was why I always felt so incredibly good whenever we would do a gig, despite the fact that we were all insanely stressed out as it was and not to mention what had happened just two days ago.
To be surrounded by people that made me happy, to be doing something that made me happy and to be – as superficial as it sounds – looking a way that made me happy was more than I could ask for.

As always we would sit and have a beer after the concert, because it felt great to just relax after having been sweating nervously for so long and also because people constantly would come over and ask for our phone number, that way it also had a professional reason.


I had kind of gotten used to the huge amount of attention that Aida and Em always got from guys after all these years of knowing them and even though I was never left completely out, I had and would always have to acknowledge that it wasn’t nearly as much as with them. And I knew exactly why.
The sight of their trimmed bodies was something that I had admired for so long and I had somehow had gotten my mind wrapped around the fact that I would never achieve that. I had always dreamed about looking like that, but after countless diets and weird ways of trying I hadn’t been able to reach my dream at all. Even though it was killing me from inside out, I still knew that I wasn’t strong enough to control what I was eating. I could control everything else, just not my diet.

But the worst part about this was that it was always easy to sense how both of them would get flattered by the compliments but the guilt was always clear on their faces as well. Which I hated more than anything. The difference between the amount of comments that they would get and what I would get was inevitable and also the difference between the people that we would receive them from. Somehow guys who I found merely disgusting thought they would have a go with me – I don’t know whether they thought they would have an actual chance or not, but it most certainly didn’t feel complimenting to me at all, when I could see out of my canthus how drop dead gorgeous guys would throw themselves at Aida and Em every other second.
Even though they were both in relationships with the most amazing guys they could never hold back the blushes and shy smiles that they would always hide away immediately whenever they looked upon me. It only made me feel worse. I didn’t need their pity, I had never told them but deep down inside we all knew how we felt about this. As good friends as they were to me, they would do anything in their will power to help me not getting worked up around my negative mind and self-hatred, to make me feel happy and to keep me from taking up what I did best; binging and regretting.


I’ve always wondered about them. How they would worry about me, how they would feel hurt about this and how they probably couldn’t find the reason why I was feeling the way I was and acting the way I was. And even though I knew that they would get pretty much as affected by this as me, I had never been able to put aside my own needs for their sake. I had never loved myself enough to want to want any better condition for me, which was probably my problem. I hadn’t gotten to the point where I actually wanted for myself to be exactly completely happy.

I got my daily fix of self-affirmation from the texts that Niall had sent me that night. He was so concerned about us after what had happened and kept texting me to make sure that we were okay, even though he was probably about to drop dead from sleepiness and get up early tomorrow morning for rehearsals. Just the thought of his blood shut red eyes made me smile widely like a fool, he could honestly have written me anything in those texts and I would still smile just thinking about him. What a pathetic person I was.




That following Sunday Eleanor had invited all of us girls out to the fitting of our bridesmaids dresses, before we would head back home for Christmas and after that we wouldn’t have absolutely any time left to do it then, since it would already be at the 27th of December. Wow, I was getting so stressed out on Eleanor’s behalf at the thought of it.

We had all given our measurements to her weeks ago, so we knew they would fit, but somehow I was still so incredibly nervous when I woke up that Sunday morning, I couldn’t even get myself to eat any breakfast. Another reason for that might be that I was secretly hoping that the dress would look better if I wasn’t bloated the slightest bit. Cause I had been sucking in my stomach quite a bit as well when I had taken those measurements, and even though I had so I was still a size bigger than Aida, who was much taller than me. Oh well great. Just rub it in my face then.


It was a slightly tired and stressed out Eleanor that met us outside a small house in West End. Perrie had picked us up in her small car and she seemed to be just as excited as the rest of us. Or as excited as Em and Aida though, I was just about to kill myself when I realized that we had actually arrived and that I would have to get out that car, even though I was so happy to see Eleanor again.
She had been so worried about us since we’d forced her to go home with Louis and get some sleep Thursday and had been calling us to check up on us, even though she too was so busy with planning an entire wedding that was about only two weeks. Could I manage to lose 20 pounds until then?


“Hi guys!” she exclaimed happily when she gave each of us a tight hug, Perrie got a long one since she’d been away for a while doing some promotion for Little Mix’s new album that was coming out right after New Year.

She led the way through a tiny path up to the front door before she went inside. If I hadn’t known that we would be trying out bridesmaids dresses I would never have guessed that there would be a tailor hid in there.

“Who is doing the dresses?” I asked as we were hanging up our jackets in the tiny hall way. The house really looked like a completely normal one, it didn’t even have any advertising outside that showed anything about any kind of business in here.

Eleanor didn’t get to answer before a handsome man with short grey hair that looked like he was a bit older than my mother was visible in the following doorway.

“Eleanor darling!” he smiled before giving her a kiss on each of her cheeks.

“Oh sweet Jesus,” Aida immediately breathed at the sight of him which confused both Em and I.

“What is it?” I asked her quietly as the man went on to kissing Perrie the same way.

“It’s…” was all Aida managed to stutter before he pulled me, who was the next in line in the small hallway, in for a kiss on each cheek as well.

“Hello darling, I’m Elie,” he said and did the same kind gesture to her.

“E-Elie Saab?” Em now heaved instantly and he nodded.


Yes. Sweet Jesus. Sweet mother fucking Jesus, Eleanor couldn’t possibly be serious. She had hired the most incredibly designer of all times to do her wedding dress and now also our bridesmaids dresses. His work was amazing, I had only dreamed about wearing one of his dresses, but as always my hips had been in my way. Oh yeah, and the lack of money as well of course.

“I-I’m such a huge fan of your work…” Aida breathed foolishly after she’d gotten her kind kiss as well.

“That’s good to hear,” he smiled calmly before leading the way towards the next room. He spoke with a thick accent, I knew he came from Lebanon which was the reason of that.


Behind the door we walked in to something that turned out to be some sort of living room, though it didn’t hold much else than a couple of white couches and a huge table on which loads of fabric was spread out on. I beamed at the sight of the material, it was intoxicating, I really couldn’t wait to see it on. Or yes, I could wait to see it on me, but not the others. I was absolutely sure that Perrie, Em and Aida would look absolutely stunning in whatever he’d made for them, but I on the other hand was a whole different size and figure compared to the models that he was probably used to work with, I was at that point more terrified than ever. Even if Niall had been there, I don’t think I would have calmed down at all, my pulse was racing, my heart was beating and the blood was rushing to my head by the second I saw Elie showing us the way to the couches before pulling Aida towards the table.


“You first, I’ve made this for you,” he said and lifted a crème colored dress off the giant table. All kinds of sewing things, I have no idea what they were called, was laid out as well and he had – very classically – a tape measure hanging around his neck and a pair of glasses set down at the tip of his nose as he told Aida to take off her clothes.

At a very brief – it probably wasn’t clear to anybody but us – panic traced over her face at the sound of his choice of words and I almost thought that she would break down and cry or something, but as the strong independent woman that she was she just bit down on her lower lip and did as she was told, knowing that this man stared at women’s bodies for a living. And this was a dress fitting and this was Elie Saab standing right in front of her. She had always known how to compose herself when needed, no matter who the person was that she would be talking to, I knew that she was the one out of all of us who had studied his collections the most and that she was about to go crazy on him by the second but somehow she managed to pull off a completely controlled face expression as Elie pulled down the dress above her head.


Man, was she beautiful. I could actually feel my mouth hanging open when he tugged around on the lace textured fabric on her body. The sleeves were long, the dress reached all the way down to her knees but had a vent that revealed her left thigh, around her hips there was made a slight balloon shape effect that would only work on tall slim girls like her and Eleanor and it showed her bare shoulders and collarbones. It was genius. Just like a real Elie Saab dress should look like. Fuck me.

Fuck fuck fuck.


“So what are you doing in this small house, Elie?” I blurred out in a desperate attempt to occupy my mind from my frantic and terrible thoughts. A shocked expression from Aida to me made me realize how stupid and rude my question had come off. Luckily he just chuckled as he turned her around to close the dress on the back.

“I don’t have a shop in London yet, so I just rented this house while I’m doing a few jobs here the next couple of weeks,” he answered with a concentrated frown on his forehead as he zipped up the back completely. “Yes, it fits perfectly.”


Well, of course it fucking does…


“Really? What about Christmas? Are you staying here then as well?” I asked.

For some reason he found my silly questions a bit funny since he simply couldn’t stop smiling as he answered: “No, I’m going home to Geneva with my wife to visit our sons for a couple of days, before heading back here. If it hadn’t been because I love my dear Eleanor so much, I would have turned any work offer down at this time of the year,” he smiled kindly over at El who was sitting at the edge of the sofa.

“Oh, where do you two know each other from?” I asked both of them. I always acted this way whenever I would get really nervous – I just started asking tons of questions.

“Eleanor is always in my fashion shows, one of my favorites. I couldn’t turn it down when she asked me to design her wedding dress,” he said which made me smile and relax just a tiny little bit.

“Wow, do we get to see the wedding dress as well?”

“In a minute, young lady, first we need to get you girls finished first.” Even though he had the most sincere wrinkly smile in the world I immediately felt the cold return to my stomach the same second. How on Earth did the others manage to act so cool in this kind of sick situation?!

Oh, that’s right, that’s because they’re thin. Obviously.


“Oh, say hello to my assistant, this is Pedro,” Elie then said pulling me out of my thoughts as another much younger man walked in through the door at the end of the living room with a third dress to lay on the table that was now completely filled. The man was young and shy looking but definitely homosexual.

I’m sorry, I don’t want to seem judgmental but just the way he walked revealed it and the small wave he did in our direction almost made me smile at the whole situation. It was just like in the movies, except that Elie wasn’t gay as well. But the gay assistant named Pedro, the tape measure, the glasses, the pins in his mouth and the beautiful dresses that would fit perfectly. Or that would be until me. I would be the one to destroy the perfect movie image and turn this romantic movie in to a hilarious comedy where I wouldn’t be able to fit in my dress the most awkward way.


“Perfect colors…” Elie admired Aida’s frame making her blush heavily. “Oh, not so much anymore,” he then joked when he saw her red cheeks which made us all crack up and Aida looked like she was about to kill herself, that poor girl.

“Long blonde hair, you’re next,” he said to Em when he’d given Aida’s crème colored dress to Pedro who carried his back in to the other room. The light grey big piece of plain fabric that I’d thought would be the dress for me, since it filled the most, was pulled down over Em big head of thick blonde hair that went perfectly with the color of the dress.

It was a long tight dress that fitted snuggly around Em’s hips and bum.

“The hair is too big. Straighten that and put it in a tall ponytail,” he nodded at my friend who stood in front of him with a scared expression in her big eyes. “Add these, since the dress is so plain.”

He put on two giant gold bracelets on her wrists – one on each arm – and took a step back with the same concentrated frown on his forehead as he’d been having for last ten minutes.

The girls and I couldn’t do anything but stare at Em’s gorgeous frame. Wow. What a fucking hot bridesmaid she would make. Wow. Just wow. I wasn’t able to take my eyes off of her before Elie would pull the dress back above her head and command Perrie up to him to try her dress.
Oh well, that was just great. Then I could be the fat annoying friend in the end that would only look even worse right after looking at my perfect friends’ bodies, it would be a hell to make a dress that would actually fit me. So great, yes.

Perrie’s dress was grey as well, but a darker tone than Em’s. It was also made of that lace textured fabric that was transparent all over, except for at the chest and the other most important spots, but it didn’t come off as tacky at all, more the opposite. It went up her neck, was sleeveless and reached down to the middle of her thighs. Along with her now dark blonde hair – that color kept changing – it looked pretty as hell.


“Brown hair, you’re last.” Elie said those inevitable words when Pedro had put away Perrie’s dress. There was now only on left on the table. A black one. So far so good.

I stood up as bravely as I could and went over to take off my clothes. Oh God, this was already terrible. As I kept staring at the fabric on the table it seemed as if it shrank to a smaller and smaller size each moment that went by. Fuck. Fuck this wedding. Fuck everything. I couldn’t deal with this.

But before I got to run out of the door in nothing but my underwear Elie walked over to me with the dress to lift it above my head as he’d done it with the others.
Well that wasn’t so bad. It was very loose actually. Maybe that was on purpose?

Okay, no.
Elie started zipping it up my neck. This one had long sleeves as well and was made very much in the same style as Perrie’s with the transparent lace textured fabric that covered the intimate body parts and went up the neck and had a thin belt in the waist. It was a bit shorter though, really short, it went all the way up my upper thigh. It was now quite tight at the waist, but not too tight actually.

I didn’t sigh in relief in the fear of breaking the fabric if I relaxed my stomach, so instead I kept holding my breath while looking at the ground, not at all feeling ready to see the expressions on the girls’ faces and more importantly; the designer that turned me around a few times to look at my frame.

“Something’s wrong…” he mumbled with the frown on his forehead that was now deeper than ever.

I felt the tears find their way to my eyes as I fought the best I could against them.

Notes

My rating is going down... Leave a comment, if you have suggestions to how we can prevent that from happening anymore!! :-D Or a vote that helps me in the opposite - and right - direction!
Love you all! <3