A moan immediately escaped both of our mouths and he rolled his head back with closed eyes in pleasure. It felt like such a relief to be doing this at his place, where nobody would hear, compared to the tiny apartment of mine that didn’t give much privacy in moments like this. We could now both completely let ourselves go the way we felt like it and the fact that our movements somehow ended up working perfectly together made the electric feeling inside build up rather quickly.

At first he was the one to move in and out underneath me while kissing my breasts all over and lightly biting down on my nipple making me go even crazier about the slight pain that just felt wrong but so incredibly right.

Then I took over by swirling my hips around on top of him, according to the groans he let out and the frown on his forehead as he looked down at my hips on which he had his hands held on to tightly, I assume he liked it especially when he helped me continue the swirl when it seemed like I was getting tired, but as he bit down on his lower lip still not letting his eyes leave my body I got a new shot of energy to continue.


“Oh God, Maja…” he started speaking as his breath was now up to a rapid speed. Hearing him say my name in a situation this vulnerable and exposed made me crash my lips to his to let our chests touch each other as we would inhale violently to catch some air at the same time. He let go of my lips have the words stumble out of his mouth. “I’m going to cum now, don’t stop…”

“I won’t…” I whispered in to his ear before biting down on his earlobe which seemed to push him over the edge and his hand quickly travelled up to my hair holding on tightly which only pushed me even closer to my climax.

“I’m close now,” I vigorously added but he was done, it wouldn’t feel that comfortable for him if I was to continue this way until I would come myself, so I quickly sat up making him slide out of me along with his come that immediately started to drip out of me, but I didn’t care when I placed my hand on me to finish it off myself.

The frown on Niall’s forehead didn’t become less deep as he watched me caress myself right in front of him. He didn’t let go of my hair as his eyes then met mine and with the other hand he roughly grabbed my right breast that gave me the same kind of pleasure as before from the slight pain. He held my head in place making sure that I didn’t leave his eyes that at first seemed so kind and loving, but behind them he would reveal the most dirty and spellbinding sexual actions that would make any girl go completely insane.

“Go ahead,” he nodded. “Come.”

And so I felt my entire body tense up in the very familiar way, but as always I would get surprised with how much. I moaned straight in to his face not being able to hold on to his burning gaze as I came.

Afterwards my heart was at the most intense state as I collapsed on top of him resting my head against his shoulder. I swear I was at some point concerned that his heart would jump out of his chest, its beat almost pushed me away from him.

None of us moved the slightest bit for a few minutes of the recovery that was well needed for both of us.


“I’m sorry I was done so fast,” he then suddenly mumbled and I glared up at him. “It was just that thing you did… Man.”

I couldn’t help but smile widely and proudly at his reaction, I didn’t mind him being pushed to the edge this quickly.


”You know, we can’t keep doing this,” Niall said once we lied down on his couch, both completely naked and him with his arms around my shoulders as I snuggled up in to his chest with an arm around his waist. This had quickly become my favorite spot to spend my time whenever he and I would hang out.

“Can’t keep doing what? Sex?” I asked looking up at him and feeling a bit confused. “I don’t if I’m going to agree with you…”

“No, not the sex,” he chuckled. “No, I wouldn’t be without that. No way in hell…” Now I joined in chuckling as well. “You know, just having sex every time we’re fighting. We never really figure out an actual solution.”

“Do we do that a lot?” I ask trying to think of all the times we’d had an argue between us, there were a few big ones but other than that we actually never did much else but having fun together. It was true though, all the times we’d been fighting we would either end the discussion with kissing or sex. “Okay, you’re right. But not every discussion needs to have a solution,” I added innocently bashing my lashes at him playfully making his smile stay on his beautiful face for a little longer.

“Some of them do though, I think,” he then answered. “Like, how do you actually feel about me?”

“Isn’t that obvious?” I joked while running my fingers down to his exposed crotch but this time he grabbed my hand before it went too far laughing at me.

“No, I’m serious. I mean, after all that has happened, you know, obviously what I did a couple of months ago and that hates and so on. How is it going with all that?”

Well, I wasn’t expecting that. Not at all.


At first I had no clue of what to answer, not that I was in doubt about it would be, but because no guy that I’d never known had actually asked me that question; How I was feeling. Wow. It felt weird.

The fact that Niall just asked me about it touched me more than I was prepared for and it only made me care for him even more than I already did.


“Uhm…” I stumbled still feeling a bit stunned and not completely sure of how to form my sentences, despite all the things that I wanted to say. I gave it a go: “I’m doing really good I think. Yeah, the hates doesn’t get to me that much anymore, I mostly have just learned to ignore them as best as I can manage probably.” I smiled at the end of the sentence making him do the same but he still looked like he wanted me to elaborate a bit further and so I did, saying something to him that I maybe should have said before, but haven’t found the right time. “Niall… Don’t think that I don’t trust you, despite what happened.”

My words suddenly made the smile on his face fade as he looked me straight in to the eyes as I continued: “You’ve… you’ve done more than enough to prove that you are definitely worth forgiving and also worth your crazy life style. You’re such a great person, which is what I care about. We always have fun hanging out, don’t think that I have any more doubt about this as I had before. Not the slightest.”


I think that maybe those were some of the things that he’d been longing to hear for so long but that he didn’t want to ask for and I couldn’t help but feel mad at myself. Why hadn’t I told him before? After my ups and downs with him I should have at least made sure that he knew that I was a hundred percent in this relationship, just as much as he was. Suddenly the words wouldn’t stop floating out of my mouth.

“I think I know why you then reacted the way you did tonight,” I said while his face didn’t change. “Did you need to hear me tell you this?”

Niall nodded.

“I understand,” I said. “Thank you for bringing it up.”

“No problem,” he replied and the smile finally reappears. “I just… It’s just so important, you know, being in the situation that we’re in, that we trust each other. And I can only trust you, if you trust me. And the other way around of course.”

“That’s true.”

“Look, I’m saying this because I want to make this work, make this relationship last. Cause I think I could… really be with you.”

Boy, did he just melt my heart more and more, I thought to myself as I felt the muscles around my mouth tense up in a blushing wide smile. “I feel the same way.”

“And I don’t want you to ever listen to any of those people saying bad things about you and us,” he added in a slightly different tone, a lot more commanding than before.

“Oh,” I said in a bit of surprise. “Well, yeah, I won’t. It’s mostly just the things about what I look like and stuff that might get to me every once in a while.”

“Why the ones based on your looks?” Niall asked with a small frown on his forehead.

“Uhm…”


Go tell him, Maja. Tell him everything. Let him see the real you: The bulimic whose self-destructive behavior is eating her from the inside out. A person that would feel so weak on her own. He deserves to know, didn’t you just say yourself that you trusted him?

God damn it, why can’t I just tell him about the fucking shit?! You owe it to him. Harry already knows. What are you afraid would happen? That he might leave? That he might find it too complicated and therefor you would no longer be the person her really want to be with, too much drama, too many tears, too much time spent on nothing. I wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t want to be with me after that. I mean, he had such a carefree personality, it was one of the best things about him, but since he met me it feels like he has been forced into so much trouble already, making it hard for him to contain that great personality. The fact that I was a bulimic could push him over the edge.


No I couldn’t tell him. Not now. I wasn’t ready. Or… maybe he wasn’t ready, I didn’t know. And I didn’t want to find out, I wanted him to keep having this easy image of me, a problem free girl with loads of humor and self-esteem, as immature as it was, but I didn’t care.


“You know, it just pisses me off in general, I’ll just have to get used to how rude and vile people can actually be. Probably also without reason,” I smiled up at him.

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” he said back to me and luckily he didn’t ask about it and instead changed the subject, to my huge relief. “So… What do you want for Christmas?”

His question took me a bit by surprise and I didn’t actually know what to say other than quoting both Mariah Carey’s words and voice: “All I want for Christmas is you!”

I tried to imitate the phrasing that she did in the corniest way, which made him smile.


“You know, I would normally laugh at that if it had actually sounded really terrible,” he said making probably my entire stock of blood in my body rush to my poor head. “You have a great voice, Maja. Have you considered really doing something about that? You know, getting a teacher or something?”

“Uhm…” Once again I was in the desperate need of finding the right words, but I was complete blank. I hated that I wasn’t able to receive any positive response when it came to my singing, it just felt so personal and delicate and the fact that people would actually like it seemed so strange and unbelievable. “Teaching is too expensive, I think. Especially now when we will have to rely on the gigs after Christmas, we won’t have much money left over,” was the only thing I could think of before I remembered what Em had told me I would always forget to say: “But thank you!”

“No problem,” he smiled. “You guys just really deserve to be acknowledged by the work that you can do.”


All the things that Niall had said that evening had made me happier than ever, he was the most genuine and honest person that I highly respected for everything about him, but at the same time it made me feel worse about being the person that I was. If only he knew about my secrets.

Then I wouldn’t deserve any acknowledgement at all, that’s for sure.


“What do you want for Christmas?” I asked still feeling a bit embarrassed with his kind words.

“Socks,” he joked which made me laugh.

“Of course you do,” I smiled.



I didn’t sleep much that night. The guilty thoughts of not telling Niall the truth about me kept shoving my mind and the sound of his slow breathing, that normally calmed me down more than anything, was now mocking the coward in me that found it easier to just pretend like everything was fine.

If I stopped being a bulimic, then I wouldn’t have to tell him. Could I do that? After all these years? I had to try. It wasn’t fair to destroy his bright personality more than I’d already done it through the past couple of months. I wasn’t worth feeling sorry for.

At some point I got up from that couch to go to the bathroom, Niall didn’t seem to notice me moving out of his arms, his snoring was at its highest at that point at I had to fight a laugh when I glanced down at him through the dark to see his blonde hair in its messiest state, his mouth half way open and his eyes just a slightly bit open.

I splashed some water on my face and took erroneously a look at my reflection. What a horrifying experience. Really.

That was the picture of a weak person. A coward. A girl not worth caring about. It’s easier to just leave me alone with my own scary thoughts and disgusting habits. How could anyone want to spend time with this freaky creature?


I looked terrible; dark circles under my big eyes as always, messy but still thin and flat hair, fat cheeks, fat double chin, fat chest, fat stomach, fat ass, fat thighs, fat upper arms, fat forearms, fat shoulders, fat ear lobes. I honestly had no idea how Niall managed to keep a hard on with me in bed for more than five seconds.


And then the feeling came. The oh so familiar but yet still terrifying feeling in my mind making it slowly but steady leave my body at the thought of how I might be able to do this. I could bring everything here inside the bathroom, it was the room that was most far away from the living room where Niall was silent asleep, unaware of the disgusting things going on in his own home, by his own girlfriend.

Notes