If only he knew. If only he knew what I’d just done. Inside his own house. So incredibly close to him. While he was asleep. If only he knew.

But he doesn’t, he was still sound asleep once I stumbled back towards the couch after brushing my teeth so violently that it made my gums bleed, washing the toilet clean for ten minutes, making sure all the food would be back in their right spot in the fridge.


Damn you Niall for having so much food. I made sure only to eat what there was a lot of in order not to make him suspicious in any way.

Fuck.

What did I just do?


As I stared down at Niall’s image through the dark that hadn’t moved an inch since I left him there an hour ago, I felt so guilty of what I just did. That was disgusting.
How could you dare lying back down and touch him, Maja? Look at him, he’s so innocent, so perfect. And yet you go ahead and fuck everything up for him, destroying his untouched and pure soul.

I shed a tear, one single tear, as I stood there and watched his silhouette that was dark except for his beautiful messy blonde hair that lid up despite the lack of light around us. I couldn’t help but smile at the whole picture as it completely reflected how I felt inside. Niall was the most positive thing that had happened to me for as long as I could remember, he was so nice and kind, but yet I still had trouble opening up to him and letting him know about my crappy ass personality. God, it annoyed me, made me want to kill myself, that’ll at least be easier than telling him about all my shit.


After several minutes of just staring out in the dark I laid back down right next to him, despite me not feeling like I deserved any of his attention at all, but if I didn’t I would have to explain to him in the morning why I wasn’t lying in the same spot as during the night, which was exactly what I would do anything to avoid.
The warmth of his body felt calming and intoxicating, it made me want more of him and so I scooted closer, lifted his arm up to wrap in around me. He didn’t wake up, but I could tell that he wanted me in that spot, underneath his arm, as it wrapped tightly around me.
His gesture made me choke on my breath again as I felt another tear form in my eye, he just reminded me once again why he’s so incredible. And why he would be better off without me.

But then something changed. As if the comfort around him blocked all my negative thoughts for the first time that long night. Because somehow I managed to fall asleep.


I was somewhat afraid that those insecure and negative thoughts would bother me the following day as well, but luckily I was woken up by some soft kisses on my neck and Niall’s morning boner pressing against my butt.

I couldn’t help but giggle as he began to and my mind was immediately cleared from everything but him and his cute sleepy eyes that were in the same condition as mine, slightly swollen and with tired bags under them making the smiles seem even brighter than normal.


No matter how dirty and hot Niall could be in bed, the best thing would still be the sweet sex we would have hopefully many other Sunday mornings than just that one. The slightly sleepy but yet so soft kisses he would place down my chest and stomach, the giggles that we couldn’t keep away between us and the constant cuddling, not just after the sex, but also during made it one of the most comfortable and positive sexual experiences I’d ever had.


Around lunch time Niall would leave the couch as the first one but only to get the number to the closest pizza place for us to order some food in. He also got me one of his incredibly lovely scented sweaters to wear, since none of us felt like putting more clothes on than necessary.


That entire Sunday was spent eating, watching movies, laughing, talking, kissing, having sex, having more sex, and a bit more sex…

For a brief moment I once again thought about telling him about my secret illness, but the mood around us just seemed so light and carefree, I would do anything in my will power to not destroy that, it felt so amazing to let all those positive thoughts embrace you for once and not letting them get pushed away buy your own low self-esteem and self-destructive behavior.

God, this boy truly was the exact right thing for me. I just wished that I could be the same way for him…


Getting up at go to Aunt Betty’s for a long day of work the following day was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to bring myself to do, especially when Niall was in no position of getting up after having spent the entire night talking and laughing along with me. That lucky bastard just didn’t have to get up to work early every fucking Monday morning. Man, was I looking forward to quit that job as fast as possible…


“I…” he started groaning down in to his pillow as I was trying to get free from his grip around my waist. “I made you a key. So you can get out. While I can keep on sleeping.”

“What? You made me a key?” I asked suddenly feeling a lot more awake than the second before.

“Yeah,” he smiled still with his eyes closed.

“And the reason was what you just told me?” I teased him as I continued to wiggle my way out.

“No, that was not the only reason,” he said now opening his eyes and glancing down at me with a sleepy grin. “Now you can get in and prepare dinner for me every night.”

“So thoughtful,” I giggled as I finally got free from his arms and legs that had been tangled in to mine during the entire night. It felt all weird and really cold to be stumbling around not being in touch with another person’s skin, I hadn’t realized that the world was filled with so much air constantly brushing all over my body as I tried to find my clothes between all the mess that we’d made from eating pizza, pillow fights and countless hour of practically living on that sofa.

“Call in sick,” Niall whimpered making me smile again.

“Sorry love,” I said suddenly feeling the surprise of those words actually leaving my mouth, I’d never called anyone by anything else besides their names and he seemed to notice it as well.

“I hate you, love,” he grinned and snuggled down further in to the covers.

“I hate you too,” I smiled my kindest smile back at him making him laugh just before I put my lips against his. “Going to miss you.”

“Have a nice day,” he said.


And so I left his apartment. With an actual key to get in and out of it. A key. Made for me. I was one huge foolish smile as I walked down the street towards the tube station. I felt so proud that he trusted me enough to give me a key to his place. Trust. What a joke you are, Maja.
Here you are making a fool out of the guy who obviously finds you worth letting in to his life, but you don’t care. Coldhearted you treat him like everybody else by only showing him exactly what you want him to see. He has exposed himself for you, yet you won’t expose yourself for him.


My subconsciousness was driving me insane with all these terrible realizations, making me feel guiltier than ever and I literally struggled all day trying to push them away over and over again.
It’s so ironic though. Every single time Niall would do something sweet or just be his fantastic self I would feel worse each time. It was supposed to make me feel happy, I’m sure, but it just makes it all more difficult for me to handle.

No guy had ever treated me this good so I’d never any reason to let anybody in. It was simple and easy, definitely not like this. Why did Niall have to be so great?! I had to stop the hate for his beautiful persona from taking over as I aggressively cleaned the coffee tables in Aunt Betty.

Was falling in love always this fucking frustrating?!



The only way I got my thoughts just the tiniest bit distracted from my own horrible personality was to giggle and gush over Nathalie’s new man, Aidan. He had quickly become a part of her every day, Brady seemed to love him and was so kind and sincere, the complete opposite of her former asshole of a boyfriend.


That afternoon I would have to go straight from work to a café on Tottenham Court Road, where the girls and I were doing a small gig of just some background music once again, the place was called Anthony’s, I had had wine with Eleanor there once, I remember.

The place was small and the gig was a completely acoustic one, with no microphones or anything, no loudspeakers and no extra volume on my piano other than the one that came out of itself. Aida had had her Hazza pick her and our instruments up, since it would be rather difficult to travel with them by tube.

Aida, Em, Harry and I stayed and had a beer afterwards before I would then have to leave for a possible job at a restaurant, where I had offered myself as a house pianist after Christmas. I was desperate to get it since it would mean that I would have some sort of small regular income from playing there every Monday night.

The job interview, if you can call it that, went really well I think, though I don’t remember a lot of it. The lack of sleep that night had started to leave its marks on me as I figured I would have to set an alarm to make sure I would get off the tube and not just sleep all the way to Hammersmith.


“God, I’m so worn out,” I sighed as I plumped down on the sofa in our living room where the three people that I was having beer with two hours earlier were sitting listening to some music.
Em had pulled out her small scrap book probably to write some lyrics for another song.

“Long day?” Harry asked and I nodded.

“Not enough sleep,” I blurred out before thinking about what I was revealing.

“I see…” he smirked back at me and I rolled my eyes but blushing at the same time.

“How did the job interview go?” Em asked without looking up from her scrap book as she quickly scribbled something down.

“Good, I think. They will call me back in about two weeks, after Christmas,” I told her. She didn’t respond but instead looked very deeply occupied by the work she was doing. In my mind I was looking forward to hear the song, she was always the one who could come up with something great in less than five minutes.


Only a few moments later I went off to bed, not even bothering making myself some dinner which would only happen on the rarest occasions, God I must really have been tired. I didn’t even get woken up by Aida and Harry having sex, what a delight.


The following day I wasn’t the only one to get up early like I normally would, but this time both the two loud lovebirds were already drinking coffee in the kitchen when I stumbled in there rubbing my tired eyes.

“Morning,” I said. “You’re early up?”

“Yeah, I actually have a photo shoot this morning, Harry’s taking me,” Aida smiled proudly.

“Wow, great! What kind of photo shoot is it?” I asked.

“Just some upcoming band or something, they need it for promotion,” she told me.

My eyes switched towards Harry who was smiling even more proudly than Aida and I couldn’t help but find it so sweet that he was so loyal and affectionate to her.


But she also deserves it, that’s the difference between you two.


Fuck, that damn subconsciousness wouldn’t ever give me a fucking break, even not this early in the fucking morning.



Another day at Aunt Betty went by with unconscious polite chatting with the costumers and I actually managed to stay reasonably happy until Eric walked in reminding me of my mistake last Saturday.


“Hello,” he said to me when he walked in. Was there a slight awkward and insecure tone to his voice? Would be really weird though, that guy never seemed to get embarrassed by anything.

“Hi,” I smiled back at him not having a clue of whether to bring up the dance between us or not.

“Uhm, just a bagel,” he said and headed straight towards a table. Okay, just lunch then, I thought as I made him one.


“There you go,” I said as cheerfully as I could manage when I placed the plate on the table in front of him. He didn’t say anything but just started eating. This was really weird.



When I got off fifteen minutes later he was still sitting there staring at me every once in a while, the burning glance of his was penetrating me, it felt so awkward and different in a really bad way.

I changed in to my normal clothes and went out the back entrance. I squealed at the sight of him standing out there waiting for me.


“Eric, Jesus Christ! What are you doing back here?” I asked as I lid up a cigarette.

“Sorry, I was just… I’m uh… I need to talk to you,” he said which instantly made my palms sweat heavily within a second.

“Okay,” I said trying to sound as calm and unaffected as possible.

“About last Saturday,” he continued.

“Okay,” I said again as I felt more and more nervous each minute that went by. He just seemed so serious, not something I was used to or comfortable with.

“I’ve been thinking about you know… us,” he began. God, this wasn’t something I was ready for, I would just rather avoid it in any way. “I like you.”


At first I was just staring at him waiting for him to elaborate, but he didn’t so I immediately tried to think of something to say in order not to drag the awkward silence between us more than necessary.


“Uhm. What?” was all that came out of my mouth.

“I… I like you,” he repeated. “After we danced together a few days ago I haven’t been able to get you out of my head.”

“What?” I asked again probably doing more damage than good by saying these stupid things. I really had no idea how to react. “But… that was just you know… a dance.”

“I know, but I kind of… I need to tell you that that dance wasn’t just a dance for me. I want to be more to you than just… a friend.”

“Well. I can only be your friend, Eric.” I couldn’t help but feeling proud of myself for being honest to him, it wasn’t hard at all, I just blurred it out. I couldn’t imagine myself being with him, I couldn’t imagine myself being with anyone else than Niall.

“I know you’re saying that… But you’ll change your mind.” He stepped close which made me back away from him until I reached the wall of the building to the café that immediately stopped me.

“What? No, Eric. Please stop, I’m not interested in anything more than…”

“Because you have a boyfriend or what?” He still came closer and closer making me feel like I was being suffocated with the thick atmosphere around us.

“Because I don’t feel anything for you except friendship,” I corrected him. I was starting to get a bit annoyed with his confident and careless behavior.

“As I said…” He was now only standing inches away from me. “You’ll change your mind.”

“No. No I won’t.” My breathing was at a rapid speed now, my heart was beating faster and faster, I felt like I was about to explode. “Eric, please step away.”
I tried to push him by his chest to get past him, but he just wrapped his fingers around my wrists, grabbed a violent hold of my neck and pulled me in for a forceful kiss, his tongue immediately trying to find its way in to my mouth.

I instantly used all my force to get away from him, but he was strong. Very strong. I somehow managed to get away from him and before I knew it I had placed the hardest slap on his face that took both him and me by surprise.

“Prick!” I yelled as the tears were finding their way to my eyes.


“What the…” I suddenly heard a voice saying from a few feet away from us and I immediately recognized the voice. Even through my tears his bright blue eyes found their way to my heart making it beat at a slow and comfortable speed.

Notes