Envy (Niall Horan) [BOOK 1]

Elis POV
My hands and shirt are soaked from my tears as I continue to cry into my hands while lying on the floor like a helpless child. The words keep on echoing in my mind, repetitively,
'Pathetic'
'Embarrassing'
And the worst of all...
'Good bye'
I know I should be gone... I should be somewhere else by now, but I feel too weak and exhausted to move from this spot where my worst nightmare has come true.
"What's wrong Eli?" I hear a voice in front of me say.
I slowly turn my head up and see a very concerned looking Harry standing in front of me. I respond by shaking my head. I can't form any words right now and I don't want to.
He puts his hand out to me and helps me up. His eyes pierce into mine, trying to figure out what possibly could've caused me to be like this.
I ignore his attempt to comfort me and I just walk out without another glance, another word.
As I walk out of the building many cameras begin to flash in front of me.
I ignore every question, every flash, and I just run. I'm unaware if they're following, and unaware where I'm running to. The only thing I'm aware of is the fact that I can't stand being here any longer.
After many minutes of running, I stop and fall to the floor. I try to take a deep breath, but all that comes out of me are more tears. I look around me and I see how I'm in front of a rail road track alone. No one followed me. I stand up and I brush off the dirt from my jeans. I wipe my tears away and I begin to stare at the empty, rusty rail road track. Why did I run here, out of all places? I feel a gust of wind hit me and it feels so refreshing. I observe the rail road track again and I back away from it. I take out my phone and I feel myself dial a number.
"Hello?" I hear the voice from the line say.
"Sofy, do you still need waiters?" I ask while sniffling.
"Eli are you crying? What happened?"
I shut my eyes closed and I take a deep breath.
"Yes or no?"
I hear a sigh from the other line.
"Yes I still do."
"Okay. See you soon then." I respond before hanging up.
I don't bother going back to get my clothes and pack. I wouldn't be able to handle being in the room where so many things have occurred between me and Niall.
I look around and I see a little building. I walk to it and I read the boarding schedule for the train.
"Do you need any help miss?" A man asks.
"I would like to buy a ticket."
....................................................................................................................................................................................
As I'm sitting down in this empty train, I begin to think and listen. I listen to the sound of the wind hitting the glass windows as I observe rain drops streaming down them. If only life was this simple, this peaceful...being able to just take in the atmosphere and all the little things surrounding you. I wish I could think about things like this more, maybe it would make me more sane, but right now all I can think about right now is him...us.
The sound of silence is so beautiful, so calming, but it doesn't compare to the sound of his laugh or the sound of him saying my name or calling me princess. I don't want to feel like how I did before, when I thought he forgot about me the first time... but that's all I think I'm going to feel. The tears on my face are beginning to mirror the rain drops on the windows and right now not even the sun's bright glow is going to light through this darkness growing within me.
If people knew how sad I am right now over this, they would think I'm crazy or over dramatic. They would think why this young girl, would feel like this over a break up. I mean we have only been dating for a few months, but no... People wouldn't understand. Our history...our story...our love...it was indescribable. I don't even think adults have witnessed or felt what I felt...actually feel for him. It's not an ordinary love. How I wish it is. Maybe if it was ordinary, I wouldn't be hurting this bad. I take a deep breath and I close my eyes. I need some rest.
BUZZ BUZZ
I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket and I just ignore it.
BUZZ BUZZ
BUZZ BUZZ
BUZZ BUZZ
I sigh and take out my phone slowly.
Four messages from Harry.
I open the texts and I read them.
-Eli, what happened?
-Where are you?
-No one has seen you, and it's been hours.
-Please call me.
He hasn't even told them. He probably doesn't even care. I feel my eyes begin to water at the thought and I sniffle.
I text back:
-I'm going home.
I press send and I feel my stomach sink even more as I turn off my phone.
He's probably going to think that I'm weak for not even being able to pack my clothes. I begin to sob once again into my hands. My eyes begin to feel heavy and I can't help but yawn. I feel myself drift off to sleep as my face begins to dry.
At Sofy's restaurant
As I walk towards the small, ware house looking building, I begin to feel doubtful and scared.
What if she doesn't want me here, what if I can't find a place to live, what if she kicks me out, what if...
"Eli, you're actually here."
I shake my thoughts and look up to see Sofy standing in front of me.
Speechless, I run straight into Sofy's arms and I feel myself fall as I desperately cling to her.
"Oh Eli, what did he do." She says while trying to hold me up.
"He said good bye." I whisper while staining her apron with my tears.
I feel her hand begin to calmly rub up and down my back.
"Eli it's going to be fine. Everything is going to be okay."
I feel myself sob harder, making it hard to even understand myself.
"Why does everyone say good bye Sofy? Why does everyone leave me?"
She hugs me tighter and I feel her tears begin to touch the top of my head.
"You're my sister Eli, I'll never say good bye. I swear." She says
I just nod my head slowly and I hug my sister tighter.
Next day
I feel my eyes begin to slowly open due to the sound of an alarm clock.
"Sorry Eli." I hear Sofy say.
"It's fine." I reply.
I sit up straight and I feel myself yawn. I look around the room, observing the new surroundings. Sofy let me sleep in her and James' apartment until I can afford my own apartment.
"Where's James?" I ask.
It's hard for me to say his name... I feel like I have to force it out of my mouth, and it tastes like poison.
"He already went to work." She responds.
I just nod my head and I grab my phone from the coffee table nearby. Sofy's apartment is very cozy looking. The walls are made of brick, the floor is dark brown wood, there is only one bedroom and one bathroom, but it's cute. I had to sleep on the couch, but it was better than sleeping on nothing, so I'm grateful.
"Do you want something to eat?" she asks a little awkward.
"No thanks. I'm not hungry."
My stomach feels numb and empty inside, as if I'm just filled with air and nothing else.
I sigh and I turn on my phone. Eight missed calls and three messages from Harry.
I ignore the missed calls and I just look at the messages.
-Home? Where are you Eli?
-We're all worried! Your clothes are still here. Please call me. We're all so confused.
-Eli please.
I throw my phone to the side of me and I just run to the bathroom.
We? What we? No one cares about me. Who is he trying to fool?
I sit in the corner of the room and I begin to sob into my hands. I never cried this much, before I met Niall. I was always strong and even though I was depressed, it never got to the point of tears. Right now depression sounds like a dream compared to what I'm feeling right now. I stare at the door and I begin to remember the times, I would cry in a bathroom and
Niall would always find me and hug me tight instantly. His arms we're a symbol of comfort to me. I begin to soak my hands even more as the memories flood in.
I hear the door open and I instantly regret not locking it.
"Eli, talk to me please." I hear Sofy ask most concernedly.
I look down at my hands and I clench them into fists.
"I'm not right Sofy. I've never felt like this before. This amount of hatred and pity I have and feel for myself is starting to overwhelm me. " I honestly respond.
She walks up to me and bends down. She hugs me tight.
"Eli, he's an idiot. You feeling like this is proof of how demented that boy is. He's not worth it."
"It's my fault though Sofy. I changed. It's all my fault." I whisper.
"You seem the same to me El."
"I miss my mom." I say.
"I know you do Eli. And I wish that there was some way that I could bring her here, so she can hug you and be the one to make everything okay. I know how she was capable of doing those things."
After many minutes of hugging I finally let go of her and I realize how the time has passed by quickly.
I wipe my tears and I take a deep breath.
"You need to work Sofy."
She looks at the time and bites her lip. I can tell she's contemplating with herself, whether or not to stay with me.
"Go. I'll be fine." I state.
She nods her head slowly and gives me one last quick hug before leaving.
I finally stand up and I walk to the mirror.
I just look at myself and I feel disgusted. That girl in the mirror isn't me.
I grab the tips of my hair and I squeeze them out of frustration.
"This isn't you." I scream at the mirror.
I then slide my hand to the back of my head and I take off the extension that was covering the small piece of hair that still hasn't fully grown from the hospital incident.
I hold it in my hand and I glance at it for a while before throwing it away.
I'm still wearing the outfit from yesterday, and I never have hated a piece of clothing more.
I walk to Sofy's closet in her room and I pull out a plain white v neck and shorts.
I slip my clothes off and I change into them. The comfort my body automatically feels, is amazing.
I message Sofy, telling her that I'm borrowing her clothes and she says it's fine.
I walk back to the mirror in the bathroom and I glance at my hair and face. My face is red and puffy from all my crying and my hair sickens me. It's a reminder of how I've changed. I quickly put my hair in a bun and I splash water in my face.
I walk out the bathroom and I lay in the couch. I take out my phone and headphones and I put my ipod on shuffle. My heart stops beating when the first song begins to play.
I throw the phone at the floor as my phone plays 'The Way You Look Tonight."
I feel as if the world is trying to mess with my head. Whenever I try to move on, I'm going to be brutally reminded of him and what we used to be. I grab a hoodie from Sofy's closet and I run out the apartment.
I can't be here. I can't be anywhere. All I want is my mom.
My tears begin to blind me as I run across different streets. Many cars are honking their horns at me but I don't care. I run straight to the train once again.
"When's the next train to Jerson, Pennsylvania?" I ask with tears covering my face.
The woman checks the schedule.
"In five minutes."
I hand her money and she gives me the ticket.
"I hope you find what you're looking for." She states.
I stare at her for a second until I hear the train approach behind me. I wipe my tears and I just nod before running into the train, without another word.
Hours Later
The whole train ride, I just stared at the seat in front of me. I tried to distract myself, from my own dark thoughts. It didn't help, but at least I now know that the seats are dark red.
I sigh as I walk off the train.
The surroundings seem so recognizable, yet so new.
After an hour of walking, I find myself standing in front of an empty piece of land. I feel my breath being taken away at the sight. It's gone. The apartment where my mother and I lived... disappeared. All that is left is a sign that is covered in Graffiti, that says 'Jerson apartments'
I feel as if the apartment died with my mother.
I take a deep breath and I begin to walk.
I walk passed all my old schools and the old church. At least they're still there. I feel time freeze as I walk in front of the grave yard. She's here. I slowly walk inside and my feet begin to feel heavier with each step. Each name engraved in each stone is being echoed in my mind.
One name catches my attention. Jean Harrison. I feel my knees drop to the floor almost instantly.
"I'm finally with you mom." I whisper.
I lay on her tomb stone and I just begin to cry.
"I miss you." I say.

Notes