Beatrice's point of view

I stuffed my face into the pillow, as sunlight streamed through the blinds of--Harry’s room? My eyes fluttered open, and a soft groan left my lips as my head throbbed. Concerned jade eyes stared me down, last night’s events came crashing down. I had gone to Ronnies, I could still feel the bitter taste of alcohol on my tongue.

"Another one, please." I murmured running my fingers through my tangled hair. The bartender gave me an odd look, I rolled my eyes making an impatient sound as I pushed my glass towards him. "I'm a fucking adult for fuck's sake." Or about to be.

He nodded pouring another shot. I roughly pulled the glass towards me, despite having taken four...six...eight or more shots earlier I still winced as the bitter liquid made it's way down my throat. How did people drink this shit on a daily basis? Well it was supposed to help me forget, I would walk to the ends of the Earth it was going to make me forget.

A couple more shots later my vision was blurry. Maybe the past had not completely been erased from my mind, but it was just a minuscule thought in the farthest corner of my mind. Music blasted through the speakers, the crowd kept getting larger and larger; sweaty bodies, couples making out on every corner. I stumbled as I stood up, falling right into the arms of someone.

My eyes snapped up to meet blue eyes, gray. Eh...who cares?

"Hey babe," his voice was deep, "wanna have some fun, sweetheart?" I nodded, swaying my hips to the music. Buff arms wrapped around me, as he pulled me to the dance floor. I threw my arms around his neck, dancing innocently, for now. He spun me around, stopping me mid-circle and bringing my back to his front. His crotch pressed against my ass, I pressed harder, throwing my arms around his neck, yet again. He pushed my hair away, nibbling on my neck, sucking and nipping. I moaned in pleasure.

Fuck, this felt so good, and if this was the only way I could feel good, let this be it.

That's all I could remember, we probably fucked after that, and that's when Harry found me. Fuck. I was honestly messed up.

Harry had a glass of water clutched in his right hand, while the other held two painkillers. I gratefully swallowed the pills and downed the water. “Thanks,” I murmured quietly. A soft grunt left his lips, in response. “Harry…” he shook his head vaguely.

“No, Tris.” He held a hand up, “I have no right to be mad, I don’t control your life and we’re nothing more than friends.” That stung. I handed the glass back to him, and swallowed the lump in my throat. He pointed to a pile of clothes set on edge of the bed. “We have school in 15 minutes. Unless you want to skip again, you might wanna change.”

A response was at the tip of my tongue, but I answered with a quiet ‘thank you.’ Harry nodded and left the room, shutting the door behind him. As I pulled on Gemma’s white blouse and a pair of shorts, I wondered about Harry’s cold hostility. He didn’t have a reason to be so pissed, it’s my life and I can do whatever the fuck I want. He wants to be cold, I have no problem with that.

After covering the day before yesterday’s bruises with facial powder, I trotted down the stairs. “Morning, sweetheart.” Anne chirped, I placed a soft kiss on her cheek and offered her a smile.

“Sorry ‘bout last night.” I mumbled and pulled a plate of pancakes towards myself.

“No problem, darling. You and Lottie are welcome anytime.”

“Lottie stayed here?” I asked with a sigh of relief.

“M-hmm. Gemma just left to drop her off at school.” I nodded with a piece of pancake in my mouth.

“Thank you, Anne. You have no clue how much this means to me.” Anne shook her head and patted my hair.

“All’s good, honey. You take care of yourself and your mum. I’m glad to take care of Lottie as long as it takes for y’all to come back on track. She’s such a sweetheart, and not a bother at all.”

“Oh Anne, I couldn’t.”

“Of course you could.” She shook her head ferociously, “it’s fun having a little one around here. It gets lonely with Harry’s nose buried in those books and Gemma barely around anymore.”

“I’ll think about it.” I nodded, even though my mind was made up. In a couple of months I would be eighteen, and could become Lottie’s official guardian, till then Lottie would stay safe with Anne, and then I would take her away from Holmes Chapel. Away from home, from everything.

“Great!” She clapped, and did a little twirl, making me laugh, “Oh! Morning baby,” I turned around to see Harry entering the kitchen.

“Mornin’ mum,” he grumbled, and acknowledged me with a tip of his head.

“Guess what, Haz? Lottie’s gonna be staying with us.” I let out a short laugh at Anne’s excitement, ignoring Harry’s suspicious green eyes noting my every move.

“That’s great ma.” Harry replied, without moving his eyes. I squirmed under his gaze, and finally stood up, I pulled my bag over my shoulder.

“I should get going. Thank you Anne.” Anne shook her head, just as Harry stood up dragging his own bag from the counter and placed it on his shoulder. “I can go on my own, Harry.” I hissed under my breath.

“Who said I was walking with you, Beatrice,” one of his eyebrows shot up. “I bet there are plenty of guys ready to offer you a ride, from what I saw yesterday.” I dug my nails in the palm of my hands, biting my tongue to keep from crying out from the pain, that his words could inflict upon me.

“No one told you to run after me, Harold.” I snapped, but my tone wavered. Harry’s green eyes snapped towards me and he pulled me to his chest, wrapping his arms around my small body. He lifted me off the ground, and buried his face in my hair.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” My heart hurt, a part of me knew I was wrong, yet he was the one apologizing. “Tris,” he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, “if you need to talk about this, about anything I’m here okay? Don’t, don’t turn to alcohol or sex,” he cringed, “when you have people around you who truly care about you.”

“Harry…”

“I know. I know. You can do whatever you want, but Tris…” he broke off, staring into space, “I really, really care about you. A lot.”

“C’mon we’re getting late,” I replied, cursing at the way my heart beat unevenly as Harry pulled me under his arm and tangled my fingers with his.

After coming back home I had shut myself in my room, mum wasn’t home yet, and I was glad to have some peace and quiet. I was plucking on some chords on Dad’s guitar, despite the fact that according to mum he wasn’t my real dad. I couldn’t think of him as anyone else. Maybe he wasn’t my biological dad, but he was more of a parent to me than mum had ever been.

The door of my bedroom opened with a loud screech, mum came stumbling in, half-drunk. “Where have you been for the past two days?” I placed the guitar gently to the floor, opening my mouth to respond. “I have been starving for that period of time.”

“You can cook for yourself you know?” I snapped angrily. Her hand came in contact with my cheek before I could fathom what was happening.

“Who gave you the permission to go snooping around my house? Huh?” she asked hovering dangerously close to the only memory of dad--the guitar--I had left. I had noticed the frame of dad and I had disappeared from the bedside table.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered cupping my stinging cheek with one hand.

“Sorry. You are fucking sorry. That doesn’t change anything you fucking bitch, where were you last night, huh? Sleeping with that boyfriend of yours? What do you want from him, money?”

“I’m not that low, mother.” I replied, tears glossed my vision, but I couldn’t hear her talking shit about Harry, “don’t bring him in this conversation.”

“Go fuck him for all I care, get pregnant. But after you are an adult, you are my responsibility until then, I don’t give a shit what you do after.”

Tears rolled down my cheeks and I wiped them away with the back of my hand. “I’m sorry.” I whimpered helplessly, bringing my knees close to my chest.

“You should be, for all you’ve done. I bet you were the reason for us being in this situation today, Beatrice. You killed Brian,” I looked up to stare at her, she couldn’t know, could she? Unless she read my journal, sure enough it had disappeared from the nightstand miraculously overnight.

“You read my diary?”

“...because of you I can’t have a job, Beatrice, because I am educated enough. Because you were fucking born, I should’ve aborted. You should’ve died in place of Brian. At least we wouldn’t be poor.” Now tears uncontrollably rolled down my cheeks, the more I tried to keep quiet, the louder my sobs got.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered inching away from my mother.

“Sorry. Doesn’t. Fucking. Change. Anything. Beatrice.” She replied scornfully, her loud voice made me cringe. “You are the cause of everything. You killed him you fucking bitch.” Her fingers tightened around the collar of Gemma’s shirt. I winced as her nails dug into my collar bone.

“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know what was happening, mum.” I replied, the night dancing around my vision.

“You don’t mean to do anything Tris, because you are so fucking innocent.” She slammed the guitar against my head, black spots danced in my vision, pain overcame every part of my body. I tried to keep my eyes open, reaching blindly to protect whatever was left of Dad. But another crash, and I knew she’d destroyed it, the door slammed shut and I could still hear her mumbling.

My vision became clearer, I placed my finger on the place where she hit me, blood seeped through my finger, my head throbbed. I reached for the guitar and pulled the broken pieces close to my chest. “Daddy.”

I sobbed until I ran out of tears. You should have died instead.

Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die. Die.

“It’s easy to die, honey. People who kill themselves may have a reason for doing so, but it still doesn’t make them anything less than a coward. Life is precious, don’t you ever waste it, darling. Don’t take the easy way out, ever. I know you won't baby, you're my strong girl, aren't you Tris?”

I didn't even know what he meant back then, I was barely seven. But was it really that cowardly, wasn't dying just better than this?

My head was still throbbing, my cheek stinging, but my legs were too tired to do anything, I could hear the faint buzz of mum still screaming in the background. I just wanted to sleep. Forever. I never wanted to wake up. I wanted my dad. I wanted daddy. The tears on my cheeks had dried, leaving faint white marks in the place.

I felt arms gather me against his chest. Arms I could recognize anywhere. I looked up to see Harry’s tear-filled eyes, he pressed his lips against my forehead, “I heard yelling, I thought I’d come to check on you.” The window to my bedroom door was open. He ran his fingers through my hair, I winced and a gasp left his lips as blood dripped from his fingers. “Shit, Tris.”

He scooped me in his arms effortlessly and carried me to the bed, “Don’t. Sleep. Keep you eyes open for me, baby.” He spoke his voice cracked, “I’ll be back in a minute, okay? Don’t close your eyes,” but it was too hard, my eyes drooped I was too tired, it was late. I heard mumbling again, incoherent murmurs.

I felt a pat on my cheek, then another, “C’mon baby, keep you eyes open, darling. Just for a little while, sweetheart, you can do it. You’re my strong girl.”

“D-daddy,” I whimpered my brain felt numb, I could barely make out Harry’s features. Or was it Harry?

“C’mon kitten, look at me. Focus, baby, please. Don’t close your eyes darling, please don’t.” His hands cupped my face, I felt his tears roll down my cheeks. “I know you can do it baby, just for a little more.”

“S-sorry,” I murmured. I was pathetic, I couldn’t do anything for anyone. I didn’t deserve to live, mum was right I should have died in place of dad. I should have. “Sorry.” I murmured again, battling futilely against the weariness that clouded me.

“...sweetheart...for me…open...eyes...baby...please…” Harry’s sweet voice like a lullaby to me, droning me into a deep sleep, I didn’t want to wake up. So I closed my eyes, and let the blanket of much-needed darkness and quietness cover me.

Notes

So here y'all go, the update's finally up, and it's gonna be quicker from now on, school is over and all. I'm making a playlist for my family's road trip to Florida this week-end. I'll be gone for a week, but I'll try working on chapters, whether they will be put up or not, we'll see.

**polyvore - y'all can have a look at her outfit here, if you wish to do so.**

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