Say Something
Chapter 5
Beatrice's point of view
This isn’t me, was the first thought that came to my mind when I finally looked at my reflection. I ran my hands over the thin cotton of the crop-tee, and the studded shorts. My amber eyes were surrounded with dark kohl and heavy eye-shadow. Rouge covered my lips, and the boots were uncomfortable, staring at the stranger in the mirror, tears filled my eyes.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep tears away, until a disastrous thought came to me; Who was I anyway? I was a big, fucking nobody. So who cared, who hid behind these skimpy clothes, and heavy makeup, at least the girl in the mirror looked like someone, anyone. She knew what she was doing, unlike me who was too broken to do anything.
I fluffed my hair, ignoring the sharp pain that spread up my arm at the slightest movement of my hand. Trying to be gentle as I grabbed my bag, I slung it across my shoulder, and made my way downstairs, as quietly as I could.
“Where are you going?” I winced as the voice echoed in the empty house.
So much for being stealthy. “School,” I murmured quietly.
“Well, you need to get a job, you’re turning eighteen in a few months. You know what happens right?”
“Yeah,” my voice was barely above a whisper as I tried to keep myself from breaking down yet again.
“Good then, you may go.” I sprinted out of the house while blinking furiously. As the door slammed shut behind me, I was greeted with a blast of cold air. Soft flakes of snow fell to the ground, some melting in my hair. A shiver ran down my spine, I wrapped my arms around my bare stomach, while the wind ravagely whipped my hair.
My eyes skimmed the neighborhood, resting on the house across the street for a bit, I looked down at my outfit, before shaking my head gently. I untangled my ear buds and blasted the music on my iPod before making my way towards school. How long are you going to ignore him for?
I pushed the thought away, instead focusing on not slipping on the slick snow.
Did I get your attention
'Cause I'm sending
All the signs that
The clock is ticking
And I'll be giving
My two weeks
I quietly sang along, “Pick your favorite shade of black. You'd best prepare a speech. Say something funny, say something sweet, but don't say; that you loved me
“I’m still breathing--” The ear bud was roughly tugged off my ear, a furious looking curly-headed boy stood in front of me. “Hey Rudolf!” I grinned, with chattering teeth poking his pink nose with my index finger.
“Are you fucking crazy Beatrice!” I winced, Harry never cursed, he hated when anyone cursed for that matter. I shrugged nonchalantly, my hands were frozen already. Harry hurriedly shrugged his coat off, ready to drape it across my half-naked frame, when his eyes fell to my outfit, his jaw hung low, as if for the first time talking in my new appearance, my hair was a shade lighter, and make up was heavier than I ever used.
But instead of the flirty remark or wink I had expected, I saw a flash of disappointment cross his eyes. And just that small emotion, not yet spoken, hurt me more than anything could. “Do I look bad?” I mumbled self-consciously tugging at the bottom of my hair.
Harry draped the coat across my body, and didn’t respond, instead turning away. “I asked you something, Harold.” I spoke, it came out harsher then expected.
“No you...you just don’t look like yourself” He mumbled his long strides hard to catch up with. Anger boiled up inside me, I shouldn’t be hurt by what Harry thought of me,I shouldn’t care what anyone thought of me, but that didn’t make the hurt less by any means.
“And who am I Harry? Care to tell me? I did this to myself so of course this is me, don’t you think?” Words left my mouth in a rush. “No Harold tell me who the fuck am I? Because you know I’m fucking tired of people judging me, and I don’t even care anymore. I thought you would be different, but you know what fuck you!” Tears pooled my eyes, but I wouldn’t let him see me cry, instead I turned my back to him and swiped a hand over my moist eyes. I shrugged the coat off and without looking back dumped it in his arms, before swiftly making my way out of this mess, I would rather be at home then watch the disappointment that flickered in his eyes.
Despite the freezing weather, his arm was warm when placed on mine. His gentle but firm grip pulled me back to him, his jade eyes were beautiful as ever, pink lips pulled in a frown. I ignored the heat that coursed through my body at the slightest contact, his intense gaze made we want to break down right there. Long lashes flickered from my lips to my eyes, I knew what was to come and just for a moment I didn’t want to be me, I just wanted to let myself get lost in the moment, just for a moment I wanted to let my walls come down.
So when his cold lips came to meet mine, his calloused hand hot against my cheek, the other wrapped around my waist. I parted my lips letting the rush, the warmth and the electricity race through me. His hand rested on the bare strip of back, and despite the cold that was freezing me moments ago, the flurry that numbed my fingers and toes, I kissed back, just as gently and painfully slow.
A tear made it’s way down my cheek. I curled my fingers in his soft hair, my other hand softly brushing against his stubble. His thumb swiftly brushed the tear away, my legs felt weak, and head spun, his arms around me were the only thing keeping me grounded. Feelings I had never known darted through my body, from my fingertips to the bottom of my toes.
I pressed my lips harder on his, wanting, no, needing more of him. Our bodies melded together as he pulled me closer, crushing me to his chest, his lips tasted minty, our tongues fiery, as they danced together, his grip tightening so much around my waist, that my feet were no longer on the ground. My hand moved from his cheek to his hair, his luscious curls feeling wonderful under my fingertip, a quiet noise left his lips at this.
And then suddenly it came crashing to me, the weight of what I had done, what had happened. I jerked away, I needed Harry, but I couldn’t need him. I couldn’t need anyone, I would just draw him into my own world and destroy him. Or he would destroy me.
Reluctantly my amber eyes flicked upwards to meet the green eyes of the boy in front of me, I almost flinched at the hurt that glazed his eyes. “I’m sorry, that was just in the heat of the moment. I shouldn’t have. Fuck. I’m sorry, Haz,” my words tumbled one after another another, “let’s just forget this ever happened, yeah?”
My heart twisted at the pallor that colored his sharp features, but then he nodded briskly, color returning to his cheeks, and the smile that could make the coldest hearts melt formed on his lips.
Just for a moment I had expected him to lean in and press those soft lips to mine again, I believed that he would refuse my request and everything would be okay. My heart, that only seemed to be beating when near him, crushed a bit, but I offered him the strongest smile could muster in the moment.
His arms went around me, and I closed my eyes, letting the minty, warm smell of him fill me. But just as soon he was gone, and the coat draped around me yet again. His fingers reached to button up the oversized coat, but he changed his mind and pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry too,” he whispered quietly, a gut-wrenching sadness filling his eyes, “can I do anything to make up for it?” he asked hopefully.
“How about we ditch today? I have something in mind.” I replied, a small smile forming on my lips as his green eyes brightened gradually, but again a frown scrunched his eyebrows together as he shook his head slowly.
“Tris, we have two months till we get our acceptance. I don’t understand what’s gotten into you--” My glare stopped him short. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.
“I get it, Haz. I’ll catch ya later,” I replied in the calmest was possible, before walking ahead as quickly as I could.
“Tris, wait up!” His lips were pinched together, and eyes showed annoyance, but he followed me anyway. “What do have in mind?” he asked with forced patience.
“You don’t have to come, you know?” He rolled his eyes, waving away my question. “Well I was thinking of--never mind, you’ll judge me again, I’ll get pissed , you’ll --” warm fingers pressed to my lips, sending a shiver down my spine. A good shiver.
Green eyes lowered to meet mine, until I could see the specks of black in them, “where are we going, Beatrice?”
“Inked.” I whispered, against his fingers.
“Tris,” a long sigh escaped his lips, “what are you going to do there?”
“What do you do there?” I deadpanned.
His eyes scanned mine, as if staring into my tainted soul. “I don’t get it Tris. Why? Why do you want to do this, bab--” He stopped short, slightly coloring , before the questioning glance was settled on me again.
“Harry you have more tattoos then I care to remember, I don’t judge why should you?”
“Because you’re not like that, Tris.”
“Like what, Harry?” I asked quietly, to keep my voice from quivering, “ and if you think I’m not like ‘that’, then Haz I guess you don’t really know me.” I spoke flatly. “You’re welcome to come, or you can do whatever the hell you want.”
“Let’s go,” he replied forlornly.
Once done, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, running my hand over the flat skin of my belly, before running it over the delicate piece of jewelry that pierced my skin, then over the four words just under it. “Thank you,” I said, placing cash on the counter, before walking out to find Harry with his face buried in his hands.
“You all done?’ He asked standing up. I nodded unbuttoning the coat to reveal the studded anchor that shone over my skin, and just below four words inked in plain cursive ‘I refuse to sink’. Finally, his furious eyes toned down, and the corner of his lips tilted upwards. He bent on his knee, examining closely the words, and running his warm hand over it, I swallowed roughly, as a fire ignited through me, just his warm hand over my flat skin had me moaning, had I not faked a cough instead.
Worry clouded his eyes again as he looked up at me, “what does it mean, Tris?’
“...that I refuse to sink.” I replied, smiling innocently. This was a bad idea.
“You can't refuse to sink if you aren't drowning in the first place, Beatrice."
“It’s just as plain as it looks, Harold.” I replied calmly. I wouldn’t let my anger get the best of me.
“This says a different story though,” he replied firmly, as his hands ran over a hideous bruise that had uncovered during the process of me getting inked.
“It was an accident Harry,” I replied trying to keep my voice calm, “believe it or not. I don’t care,” I added the last part quietly.
“But I do, Tris. What the hell is going on? Because I am not going to stand here and watch you ruin your life, because, believe me Tris, you are capable and deserve much, much more than the lifestyle you are opting for--”
“No one’s telling you to stand here and watch me ruin my life, Harold--”
“I’m not done talking,” Harry snapped making me wince, “I understand that you’ve been through a lot, Beatrice, but people go through much worse. So get out of that hole of self-pity, and be glad for what you still have.” His voice got softer as he clasped my small hand in his warm one, “there are people who care about you Beatrice, people who love you, and they can’t watch you destroy yourself, kill yourself.”
Bullfuckingshit. “Are we done here?” I snapped, tugging on the straps of my bag, “I’ve got somewhere to be.”
“And where might that be?” his eyebrows shot up, His eyes were dark, but something told me that it wasn’t just fury there, but also fear. Fear for me, but I refused to believe it, I’d had enough hurt in the past months, I wasn’t letting a boy just break my already broken heart. If I had one. It didn’t matter if that boy was Harry.
“You’re not my bodyguard Harold, go study. Remember you need a full ride to LSE?”
“You do too,” He responded quietly.
“I don’t fucking care, Harold. Stop babying me. Okay? I’m very capable of taking care of myself.”
“That wasn’t the case when I saw you on the curb outside Ronnies’, Beatrice. When I carried you the whole way home, or the way you clung to me the entire night, Beatrice, and I held you without protest. That’s because I car--”
He was to close to confessing, so I opened my mouth letting words spill out without thinking, “neither was it the case when I lost my V-card there.” I cut him off.
His face turned pale, and he looked surprised for a moment, before nodding very slowly. “Right.” Unlike the last time color never flushed his cheeks again, instead he swallowed hard, before speaking, “right.” He repeated before clearing his throat, “you’re right. I need a full scholarship to LSE. I should probably get to studying. I had a nice time with you today, Beatrice.” His voice sounded off, hostile. As he turned around, walking in the other direction. I ran my fingers through my hair, while my heart beat unevenly against my rib cage, numbness creeping in slowly.
Somehow, though the numbness, now, felt better than the pain that overwhelmed me everytime I closed my eyes, and saw the pain that flashed through his eyes with my every word. So I ran, I ran towards Ronnies yet again, even though in my heart I knew I should go back. Back to him.
This isn’t me, was the first thought that came to my mind when I finally looked at my reflection. I ran my hands over the thin cotton of the crop-tee, and the studded shorts. My amber eyes were surrounded with dark kohl and heavy eye-shadow. Rouge covered my lips, and the boots were uncomfortable, staring at the stranger in the mirror, tears filled my eyes.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to keep tears away, until a disastrous thought came to me; Who was I anyway? I was a big, fucking nobody. So who cared, who hid behind these skimpy clothes, and heavy makeup, at least the girl in the mirror looked like someone, anyone. She knew what she was doing, unlike me who was too broken to do anything.
I fluffed my hair, ignoring the sharp pain that spread up my arm at the slightest movement of my hand. Trying to be gentle as I grabbed my bag, I slung it across my shoulder, and made my way downstairs, as quietly as I could.
“Where are you going?” I winced as the voice echoed in the empty house.
So much for being stealthy. “School,” I murmured quietly.
“Well, you need to get a job, you’re turning eighteen in a few months. You know what happens right?”
“Yeah,” my voice was barely above a whisper as I tried to keep myself from breaking down yet again.
“Good then, you may go.” I sprinted out of the house while blinking furiously. As the door slammed shut behind me, I was greeted with a blast of cold air. Soft flakes of snow fell to the ground, some melting in my hair. A shiver ran down my spine, I wrapped my arms around my bare stomach, while the wind ravagely whipped my hair.
My eyes skimmed the neighborhood, resting on the house across the street for a bit, I looked down at my outfit, before shaking my head gently. I untangled my ear buds and blasted the music on my iPod before making my way towards school. How long are you going to ignore him for?
I pushed the thought away, instead focusing on not slipping on the slick snow.
Did I get your attention
'Cause I'm sending
All the signs that
The clock is ticking
And I'll be giving
My two weeks
I quietly sang along, “Pick your favorite shade of black. You'd best prepare a speech. Say something funny, say something sweet, but don't say; that you loved me
“I’m still breathing--” The ear bud was roughly tugged off my ear, a furious looking curly-headed boy stood in front of me. “Hey Rudolf!” I grinned, with chattering teeth poking his pink nose with my index finger.
“Are you fucking crazy Beatrice!” I winced, Harry never cursed, he hated when anyone cursed for that matter. I shrugged nonchalantly, my hands were frozen already. Harry hurriedly shrugged his coat off, ready to drape it across my half-naked frame, when his eyes fell to my outfit, his jaw hung low, as if for the first time talking in my new appearance, my hair was a shade lighter, and make up was heavier than I ever used.
But instead of the flirty remark or wink I had expected, I saw a flash of disappointment cross his eyes. And just that small emotion, not yet spoken, hurt me more than anything could. “Do I look bad?” I mumbled self-consciously tugging at the bottom of my hair.
Harry draped the coat across my body, and didn’t respond, instead turning away. “I asked you something, Harold.” I spoke, it came out harsher then expected.
“No you...you just don’t look like yourself” He mumbled his long strides hard to catch up with. Anger boiled up inside me, I shouldn’t be hurt by what Harry thought of me,I shouldn’t care what anyone thought of me, but that didn’t make the hurt less by any means.
“And who am I Harry? Care to tell me? I did this to myself so of course this is me, don’t you think?” Words left my mouth in a rush. “No Harold tell me who the fuck am I? Because you know I’m fucking tired of people judging me, and I don’t even care anymore. I thought you would be different, but you know what fuck you!” Tears pooled my eyes, but I wouldn’t let him see me cry, instead I turned my back to him and swiped a hand over my moist eyes. I shrugged the coat off and without looking back dumped it in his arms, before swiftly making my way out of this mess, I would rather be at home then watch the disappointment that flickered in his eyes.
Despite the freezing weather, his arm was warm when placed on mine. His gentle but firm grip pulled me back to him, his jade eyes were beautiful as ever, pink lips pulled in a frown. I ignored the heat that coursed through my body at the slightest contact, his intense gaze made we want to break down right there. Long lashes flickered from my lips to my eyes, I knew what was to come and just for a moment I didn’t want to be me, I just wanted to let myself get lost in the moment, just for a moment I wanted to let my walls come down.
So when his cold lips came to meet mine, his calloused hand hot against my cheek, the other wrapped around my waist. I parted my lips letting the rush, the warmth and the electricity race through me. His hand rested on the bare strip of back, and despite the cold that was freezing me moments ago, the flurry that numbed my fingers and toes, I kissed back, just as gently and painfully slow.
A tear made it’s way down my cheek. I curled my fingers in his soft hair, my other hand softly brushing against his stubble. His thumb swiftly brushed the tear away, my legs felt weak, and head spun, his arms around me were the only thing keeping me grounded. Feelings I had never known darted through my body, from my fingertips to the bottom of my toes.
I pressed my lips harder on his, wanting, no, needing more of him. Our bodies melded together as he pulled me closer, crushing me to his chest, his lips tasted minty, our tongues fiery, as they danced together, his grip tightening so much around my waist, that my feet were no longer on the ground. My hand moved from his cheek to his hair, his luscious curls feeling wonderful under my fingertip, a quiet noise left his lips at this.
And then suddenly it came crashing to me, the weight of what I had done, what had happened. I jerked away, I needed Harry, but I couldn’t need him. I couldn’t need anyone, I would just draw him into my own world and destroy him. Or he would destroy me.
Reluctantly my amber eyes flicked upwards to meet the green eyes of the boy in front of me, I almost flinched at the hurt that glazed his eyes. “I’m sorry, that was just in the heat of the moment. I shouldn’t have. Fuck. I’m sorry, Haz,” my words tumbled one after another another, “let’s just forget this ever happened, yeah?”
My heart twisted at the pallor that colored his sharp features, but then he nodded briskly, color returning to his cheeks, and the smile that could make the coldest hearts melt formed on his lips.
Just for a moment I had expected him to lean in and press those soft lips to mine again, I believed that he would refuse my request and everything would be okay. My heart, that only seemed to be beating when near him, crushed a bit, but I offered him the strongest smile could muster in the moment.
His arms went around me, and I closed my eyes, letting the minty, warm smell of him fill me. But just as soon he was gone, and the coat draped around me yet again. His fingers reached to button up the oversized coat, but he changed his mind and pulled his hand away. “I’m sorry too,” he whispered quietly, a gut-wrenching sadness filling his eyes, “can I do anything to make up for it?” he asked hopefully.
“How about we ditch today? I have something in mind.” I replied, a small smile forming on my lips as his green eyes brightened gradually, but again a frown scrunched his eyebrows together as he shook his head slowly.
“Tris, we have two months till we get our acceptance. I don’t understand what’s gotten into you--” My glare stopped him short. He ran a frustrated hand through his hair.
“I get it, Haz. I’ll catch ya later,” I replied in the calmest was possible, before walking ahead as quickly as I could.
“Tris, wait up!” His lips were pinched together, and eyes showed annoyance, but he followed me anyway. “What do have in mind?” he asked with forced patience.
“You don’t have to come, you know?” He rolled his eyes, waving away my question. “Well I was thinking of--never mind, you’ll judge me again, I’ll get pissed , you’ll --” warm fingers pressed to my lips, sending a shiver down my spine. A good shiver.
Green eyes lowered to meet mine, until I could see the specks of black in them, “where are we going, Beatrice?”
“Inked.” I whispered, against his fingers.
“Tris,” a long sigh escaped his lips, “what are you going to do there?”
“What do you do there?” I deadpanned.
His eyes scanned mine, as if staring into my tainted soul. “I don’t get it Tris. Why? Why do you want to do this, bab--” He stopped short, slightly coloring , before the questioning glance was settled on me again.
“Harry you have more tattoos then I care to remember, I don’t judge why should you?”
“Because you’re not like that, Tris.”
“Like what, Harry?” I asked quietly, to keep my voice from quivering, “ and if you think I’m not like ‘that’, then Haz I guess you don’t really know me.” I spoke flatly. “You’re welcome to come, or you can do whatever the hell you want.”
“Let’s go,” he replied forlornly.
Once done, I looked at my reflection in the mirror, running my hand over the flat skin of my belly, before running it over the delicate piece of jewelry that pierced my skin, then over the four words just under it. “Thank you,” I said, placing cash on the counter, before walking out to find Harry with his face buried in his hands.
“You all done?’ He asked standing up. I nodded unbuttoning the coat to reveal the studded anchor that shone over my skin, and just below four words inked in plain cursive ‘I refuse to sink’. Finally, his furious eyes toned down, and the corner of his lips tilted upwards. He bent on his knee, examining closely the words, and running his warm hand over it, I swallowed roughly, as a fire ignited through me, just his warm hand over my flat skin had me moaning, had I not faked a cough instead.
Worry clouded his eyes again as he looked up at me, “what does it mean, Tris?’
“...that I refuse to sink.” I replied, smiling innocently. This was a bad idea.
“You can't refuse to sink if you aren't drowning in the first place, Beatrice."
“It’s just as plain as it looks, Harold.” I replied calmly. I wouldn’t let my anger get the best of me.
“This says a different story though,” he replied firmly, as his hands ran over a hideous bruise that had uncovered during the process of me getting inked.
“It was an accident Harry,” I replied trying to keep my voice calm, “believe it or not. I don’t care,” I added the last part quietly.
“But I do, Tris. What the hell is going on? Because I am not going to stand here and watch you ruin your life, because, believe me Tris, you are capable and deserve much, much more than the lifestyle you are opting for--”
“No one’s telling you to stand here and watch me ruin my life, Harold--”
“I’m not done talking,” Harry snapped making me wince, “I understand that you’ve been through a lot, Beatrice, but people go through much worse. So get out of that hole of self-pity, and be glad for what you still have.” His voice got softer as he clasped my small hand in his warm one, “there are people who care about you Beatrice, people who love you, and they can’t watch you destroy yourself, kill yourself.”
Bullfuckingshit. “Are we done here?” I snapped, tugging on the straps of my bag, “I’ve got somewhere to be.”
“And where might that be?” his eyebrows shot up, His eyes were dark, but something told me that it wasn’t just fury there, but also fear. Fear for me, but I refused to believe it, I’d had enough hurt in the past months, I wasn’t letting a boy just break my already broken heart. If I had one. It didn’t matter if that boy was Harry.
“You’re not my bodyguard Harold, go study. Remember you need a full ride to LSE?”
“You do too,” He responded quietly.
“I don’t fucking care, Harold. Stop babying me. Okay? I’m very capable of taking care of myself.”
“That wasn’t the case when I saw you on the curb outside Ronnies’, Beatrice. When I carried you the whole way home, or the way you clung to me the entire night, Beatrice, and I held you without protest. That’s because I car--”
He was to close to confessing, so I opened my mouth letting words spill out without thinking, “neither was it the case when I lost my V-card there.” I cut him off.
His face turned pale, and he looked surprised for a moment, before nodding very slowly. “Right.” Unlike the last time color never flushed his cheeks again, instead he swallowed hard, before speaking, “right.” He repeated before clearing his throat, “you’re right. I need a full scholarship to LSE. I should probably get to studying. I had a nice time with you today, Beatrice.” His voice sounded off, hostile. As he turned around, walking in the other direction. I ran my fingers through my hair, while my heart beat unevenly against my rib cage, numbness creeping in slowly.
Somehow, though the numbness, now, felt better than the pain that overwhelmed me everytime I closed my eyes, and saw the pain that flashed through his eyes with my every word. So I ran, I ran towards Ronnies yet again, even though in my heart I knew I should go back. Back to him.
Notes
Hey, guys, I'm here. Flesh and blood. lol! No? I know, I know I've been MIA, but please bare with me for a little longer. School ends really soon, and then I'll update as much as I can. I promise, truthfully. So yeah, really there is no excuse except procrastination, but studying and exams have played a huge role in that. So, let's blame it n school, yeah? Anyhow, here a couple a links you might want to have a look at;
**polyvore--If you wanna see Tris's Outfit. The piercing--If you wanna see that. And finally Tris's lighter hair, if you wanna see that.**
That's it for tonight. Don't forget to Comment, Vote and Subscribe. Your feedback makes my day, except of course the 'Update!!!!' comments, which aren't all that fun. I'm not whining though.
Ask moi questions here; ask.fm. That's it for y'all. Love ya, and have a wonderful night, or evening, or morning. Wherever you are! ♥
This story is amaxing
10/4/14