Fanfiction Help

(6)First of all, don't have your character announce themselves in the first chapter. I would prefer to not know their name until the sixth chapter than have them say in the first sentence "My name is Sara Smith, I'm seventeen and I go to Hallvard College." Father is super rich but used to be a police officer? Police officers don't make that much money, at all. I could totally let that go considering she's not really that person, but still, if it's her alibi and iiii could figure that out, then she's not all that safe anyways lol. So she's 18 and a vampire slayer. I don't understand how she 'senses' vampires. And she's got much stronger abilities than a human. I don't get it, so neither will your readers. When you're writing a paranormal story, you HAVE to remember to explain EVERYTHING to the readers. We aren't inside your head so we can't piece together all of the information, you have to do it for us.

Ahhh dialogue mistakes! It isn't just one either, it's all of them. Which leads me to believe you don't know how to do it.

I said gently "Come on, lets go home"

What it should be:

I said gently, "Come on, let's go home."

More than that, it really should be:

I gave a weak smile before I turned away.

"No, that's what I have to think," I said gently, "Come on, let's go home."

^^^ Feel free to read my Dialogue Mechanics chapter to explain everything!

I didn't really notice any spelling mistakes, and although I ONLY read supernatural stories when I'm reviewing (besides Amour) I just didn't really find it all that inciting. Although I love the plot twists and everything, it doesn't flow. Try and make a list out of what order everything is going to go and do it that way. I didn't hate your story (by any means) but it wasn't really for me. It probably doesn't help that I hate Marcel fics, but I do like that he's sort of playing her the entire time, that's always interesting.

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