I Understand. An AU/punk story.

Louis's P.O.V.

I wake up and stretch my arms, looking over to Lily, hoping she's actually sleeping. Her eyes are squeezed tight and the blankets over her face slightly. I know her well enough to know she's faking and didn't sleep again last night. I sigh, sad she fakes so I don't worry. But the more she fakes the more I worry. I sit up, lean over her, kiss her temple and head to the shower.

But I worry about her all of the time.

It's been two weeks since getting her stuff. And honestly? She isn't the same...

She's extinguished and defeated and it kills me.

I insist she stays at my place because I need to take care of her. She never eats until I literally drag her to the kitchen and practically force feed her after work. She doesn't sleep at all during the night. The only time she has was the night after getting her stuff, she woke up from a nightmare screaming and sobbing.

Flashback

"NO! NO! HARRY!" I jump up, ripped from my sleep by her hysterics, she's on her side, dead asleep screaming for him, a thin layer of sweat over her pretty skin.

"LILY!" I yell, taking her shoulders and shaking her slightly.

"LOUIS, HE"S IN THE CAR! HARRY IS IN THE CAR!" She screams as soon as her eyes open.

"LILY! It's just a dream, hey shhh, you're fine. Harry's fine!" I shush, her pulling her trembling body in to my arms. She cried for hours.

End Flashback.

Needless to say she no longer sleeps at night.

I get out of the shower and she's on her back, starring at the ceiling, no longer 'sleeping,' I sit down on the bed next to her and look down at her.

She looks like shit.

Her skin is pale and clammy, black bags under her eyes, the whites of them blood shot and red, she never gets out of my bed but I don't need her to to see she has lost a lot of weight today.

"Hey, why don't you come to work with me today?" I ask her quietly since she keeps getting head aches from her lack of self care. She frowns and shakes her head no. "I'm real worried about you, hon." I tell her with a frown. "I think you need to get outside and just... breathe.. live ... you look like a zombie and it's scarring the shit out of me and I feel terrible because I don't know how to help you!" I say softly, taking her frail hands in mine.

"I'm just.. down right now... I'll be OK.." She whispers, even her voice is gravely.

"You need to come out tonight, meet some of my new friends, yeah?" She shakes her head no and I scowl at her. Damn this beautiful girl. And damn her stubberness. "If you don't I'm going to start fixing things." I threaten. Her eyes turn to slits."I don't care if I need to call a doctor or a therapist or the girls or your mom. I'm going to do something. I know you're hurting but you need to try. Just try!" I beg her.

She lets out a shaky breath and closes her eyes. After a few moments she nods slowly.

Oh thank god.

"I'll pick you up after work, be ready." I peck her forehead and leave her for a few hours.

-

"How's Lily?" James asks. I turn to him and sigh, rubbing my eyes.

"She's not getting better.. but I'm bringing her around tonight." I say with a sigh.

"Well that's good at least! I really wanna meet her, must be smoking if she can get Harry pinned for that long!" He chuckles and takes a swig of his beer.

"Yeah she's gorgeous... but.. there's just more to her. She's smart and funny and I don't even know... she's got a soul, that's for sure."

"You got it bad, man." He chuckles, shaking his head. I roll my eyes. But he was right. I have it bad.

Lily's P.O.V.

I'm not doing to good....

Like. Not good at all...

I can't sleep, can't eat, can't breathe. I'm rutted and stuck and it hurts like a bitch.

When Louis leaves I get my phone, I have forty unread messages, and sixty missed calls but I don't check any of them. I know their from the gang and him...

I open my Pinterest account and pin some stuff.

This is what I have been restoring too. Since I refuse to sleep, I have downloaded a crap ton of apps like this. Wanelo, Vine, Pinterest, Twitter, Tumblr, Whisper, Stumbleupon. I distract myself at night with my various accounts while Louis sleeps. When he wakes I pretend to sleep so he doesn't worry.

I lay in bed most of the day... Too drained to get up.

I take a cold shower, wash my hair, and then go to the living room, not bothering to get dressed.

I have no appetite in the day and only eat when Lou makes me.

I'm empty inside. Just a stone cave. No heart, so soul, no blood, just a black, empty cold, cave.

The only one I feel anything for is Louis. He cares too much for me and I for him... but we both know I can't handle a relationship; I'm more than grateful when he doesn't bring 'us,' up. Even though we both love each other and sleep in the same bed every night... We don't touch, I mean he holds me when I 'sleep,' but that's it...

After he leaves I force myself from bed and drag my self to the shower, turn the tap in slightly warmer, needing to be clean since I'm being forced to leave my house...

I strip my clothes and catch my reflection in the mirror for the first time in two weeks. I have hated my self too much to loom at my own damn reflection. And for good reason because I look dead.

I can see my ribs and cheek bone, my skin is pale, my ass gone, my breasts smaller, my under eyes a concerning shade of black and blue form my lack of sleep and my pupil dilated and my whites streaked with red.

Disgusted with the picture I hurry to my shower and scrub the self hatred from my flesh. But it doesn't scrub off too easy. Once done I stroll our to the bedroom and shuffle for clothes.

I just wan't to go back in to my bed and feel sorry for myself, but I hate making Lou worry...

I frown and pull out my Doc Martens.. I needed these shoes I swear.. I hid in them so well. They were such a security blanket to me. I finally get ready, taking my time to coat my face in foundation, attempting to make my self look like a human being again....

http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=109566969

Once done I sulk down to the living room and fall on the couch....

I really do not want to leave this house. I feel safe and comfortable here and the minute I step out the door I will not and I'm scarred... yes. I scarred to walk out the front door.

-

I have been lounging on the couch bored as hell, napped for about two hours, and woke up as the front door opened and closed. I don't bother to move as Lou walks in to the living room and kneels down on the floor next to me.

"Hey, you look wonderful. Are you ready?" He asks, concern and love in his eyes as he attempts to raise me from the dead. I nod once and take the hand he draws out for me to help me up. Then we walk to the front door. "Don't worry it will be fun." he says, rubbing my back gently as we go to the car. It feels weird to have fresh air in my lungs, it's getting dark and i want to go back to my ball of self hatred but do this for Louis.

-

We arrive at his work. He part owns a club downtown with one of his new gang members. It's more of a club with live music but it's a lot calmer. There's a bar and a lot of people but it's nothing like a mad rager club or anything.

He leads me to a booth that's filled with some tattooed and pierced people. Here it goes. Pretend you're not dead inside time. I take Louis's hand for comfort and he smiles down at me, rubbing his thumb on my cold skin.

"TOMLINSON!" One in particular stands up and yells at him. I frown at the loud voice that pierces me migraine head. Ugh, kill me now.

"Hey, James." Louis says, dragging me to the booth. They're are seven people there. (check the authors note for piiicssss.)

"Guy's this is Lily." Louis introduces me as we take a seat. I get smiles and waves. I give back a small one and an awkward wave to his gang members and their girlfriends.
" Blake BethJames MariahColton Angela and Martin.” (The names next to each other are the dating couples.)

“Martin?” I ask, I didn't like the thought of him in Lou's gang much less with these really punk people.

“Hey, Lily. How are you? I heard about Harry..” He says with a nice smile. His name literally sends daggers in to me. I take a deep breathe and wring my hands, not sure how to even breathe. Lou senses my struggle and quickly changes the subject.

“So, are we drinking?” I give him a small smile in thanks and he winks. It makes me feel something.... Weird I know... this crazy thing called emotions. They exist!
"Eh, I'm not in the mood but I think we should regardless." The one named James says. Louis nods and turns to me.

"You wan't a drink?" He asks. Me and alcohol and depressing situations?! Not a good mix..

"I don't think so.." I sigh, rubbing my hands down my thighs, nervous habit.

"Oh come on, it'll be a great night!" The one named Blake smirks at me like I'm lunch.

"No, I'm good. But you guys feel free." I say in my apparently permanent soft spoken voice. They shrug and the shots are ordered.

I should have stayed home.

Notes

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uh oh

meanies alert.