I Understand. An AU/punk story.

"We need to talk."

I screw my eyes shut and take a deep breath, let it out, turn away from him and go back to my packing.

"We have nothing to talk about." I say nonchalantly.

"I think we do."

"I don't."

"Please, do not be like this. Just listen!" he stresses, coming to my side and taking my wrists. I rip them away and hold up as a warning.

"Do. Not. Touch. Me." I hiss, still not looking at him.

"Then just for the love of god, hear me out!"

"OK, shoot. Go for it. You have until I'm done packing so be quick." I snap, walking to my closet and getting my clothes.

"OK.. remember that two weeks when we got in that fight and didn't talk?" I think back to the time.. it was the same time I got Marcel, my moms boyfriends had molested me and I called him crying and he brought me to move in with him. "One of those nights, I was out drinking and I kept calling you and you wouldn't answer. So yes. I did. MONTHS and MONTHS ago!" I bite my lip and stop what I'm doing.

He did chest.

It feels like a knife was stabbed din to my gut.

"I haven't talked to her since you moved in with me."

"Two weeks." I say quietly.

"What?" He breathes.

"NO. Less than two weeks. That's all it took?"

"Doll.." His nickname for me twists the blade.

"It took you less than two weeks to move on..." I turn around slowly, clutching my suit case in my shaking hands, "TWO FUCKING WEEKS!" I scream and chuck it at the ground, all of the despair replaced with anger. "I ONLY MEANT THAT MUCH TO YOU? I WAS ONLY WORTH WAITING THAT LONG?! AND THEN YOU HIDE IT FROM ME?!" I shriek, for the first time looking in to his broken face, walking up to him and screaming in his face while I shove him backwards.

"Lilian, I didn't know if we were even together! You told me to stay away! It didn't mean anything. You are my entire world, I swear you are!" He whispers back, reaching out for me again. I slap his grip away and turn on my heel, picking my suitcase up.

"If that was true you would have told me yourself and not Louis." I breathe, going back to my packing.

"Lilian, we have been through hell and back. I am not letting you give up on us. We have been through so much. I'm lost without you. Please. Please. Just give me another chance...." He whispers.

His voice breaks my heart.
His pain and longing rip me to shreds.
I want nothing more than to run in to his arms...

Then I remember something that I haven't thought of in a long... long time.

Flashback.

My heart is broken. Everything in me feels sharp and jagged.

Regret.

Hurt.

It's the days after I found Trevor cheating on me after I had lost my virginity to him less than a week ago.

I'm curled in my bed, I haven't left my bed for days. But I don't care. I can't feel anything but hate. And hate for myself and it's exhausting. How can I ever recover. How can I ever function? How can I trust? How can I love anyone? He deceived me and I fell for it.

A soft knock on my door brings me back from my pool of self loathing.

"Lady bug?"

My father.

"Go away, I'm sick!" I cry in to my pillow. I instantly feel bad for yelling at him but I'm too hurt to care.

But he doesn't go away, his feet pad the carpet to my bedside where he sits down besides me and puts his feet up.

"Sick, huh?" He says softly, I bury my face in the blanket and nod. "I know it hurts..." Is all he has to say before I'm in tears again.

"Will it ever stop?" I sob. His large hands find my back and he rubs softly.

"Oh, honey.... I promise it does." He says softly.

"It doesn't feel like it will... it feels like it hurts more with each second." I breathe, squeezing my chest.

"I know it does and I'm sorry.. I would do anything to make it stop. But you know something? You should thank this stupid boy."

"What do you mean?" I whimper.

"Things that hurt you, and push you around, scar you even.... Honey, they build you they don't break you. One day you'll wake up and you'll realize... it doesn't hurt as bad. And the next time you fall in love.. you won't let it be like this time." I think about it for a second.. it made some sense..

"He want's me to forgive him." I whisper.

"Are you going to?" He asks with a chuckle, stretching obnoxiously.

"Why are you laughing?! And I don't know, you have to tell me to or not!" I say, slightly irritated and confused.

"Well sweetheart, can you find it in your heart to?

"Yes, I'm forgiving." I sniffle.

"Do you wan't to forgive him?"

"No, But I wan't to feel the same way I felt about him again." I sigh.

"You want to be in love." He finishes. I nod. "And you want it to be perfect, like your fairy tale he made you feel?"

"Yeah...."

"The problem with fairy tales is that they don't exist. They're perfect. And love is not perfect. The only way love can even be anything is if you make it special."

I'll admit. I was slightly confused.

"Well how do you make it special?"

"With growth. You take it and you mold it together. You let it grow. And depending on the person will dictate if it grows crooked or straight. So can you make love grow with him? Can you grow as an individual with him? Can you help him grow? Life is about improving yourself not creating yourself, Lilian."

Could I?

"Dad. I think you're just kinda crazy.." I sniffle and we both burst out laughing. It felt good to laugh...

End Of Flashback.

I smile lightly.

"Lilian?" He whispers. I jump back in to reality and it hit me.

I could never forget this... He knew about Trevor and he did it regardless. He hurt me so deep that it will take me an eternity to get passed this and even then I'll always hurt. I'll always second guess myself. Always hate myself more than I should. Always scrutinize why he wanted her that night over me. Whenever we get intimate I'll be reminded. Whenever he texts late at night I'll be paranoid.

And that relationship, that life, that love... that is not growth.

Thats nothing but a set back and I deserve to be able to flourish and find myself.

I have been stuck in a rut since moving here and it's time I fix myself and not lean on anyone else to help me.

Regardless of how much this will hurt.... one day I hope to god I'll wake up and just not hurt.

"Harry. I love you. I do." He sighs in relief. "But what you did? What you didn't tell me? It killed me and it's still killing me. And right now even being next to you is hurting me so bad." I breathe. Keeping track of my tears. "And if I give you another chance, from what you have proven so far, I have no trust that it won't happen again. And I don't want to be stuck in a relationship where I can't breathe and can't think but only hurt. I'm too weak to do that!" I breathe, zipping my suitcase.

"I hate myself for what I did to you.. Don't you see that?" His voice is small and cracks and I know he's crying.

"I know. I believe you, I do. But right now I think we both need to just move on."

"I can't live with out you." He cries, grabbing my shoulders and spinning me to face him. I have never seen him this vulnerable.

"Yeah. Yeah you can and you will. And so will I." But I don't know if thats the truth.

"If you walk out of that front door you're going to regret it. Don't or everything we felt and shared is ruined." He breathes, shaking his head.

"No, Harry. I'm not ruining anything because you already did. It's gone for me.'' I breathe, not looking in his eyes.

"You don't mean that!" He chokes.

"I do."

And with that I turn and leave.

"Lilian!" I turn around and look at the broken man in front of me, my hand on the door handle. "You won't ever feel the same way again, with anybody. We're each others last hope, this is it. Please. Don't." He whispers.

Those words terrify me and shake me to my core.

He takes me hesitation to his advantage.

"You'll never feel what we feel when we touch. And I know that's why you won't look me in the eyes. Because you know you need to forgive me!"

I turn and stand there in shock.

"That's the problem, Harry. I don't want to forgive you! It will kill me to forgive you and we both know that but we don't care! That's the problem! I can't think when I'm with you! I can barely function! If I was to say yes it would be because of the wrong reasons. And it's not healthy it's like a fucking drug user! It's wrong! I don't wan't to forgive you so I can't!" I ramble. The hope in his eyes in crushed to smithereens.

"I thought you loved me... please, tell me you still love me, Lilian." He chokes, a tear running down his cheek.

I breathe and close my eyes and open the door behind me.

"I love you Harry. And I might always. But you're no good for me."

I leave him there.

Leave him in his shame and put him in his darkest hour.

With those simple words I kill and destroy everything we had. It's over it's gone.

-

As soon as we get back to his place he carries me bridal upstairs and lays me in his bed.

We're over.

I'm not his girl, he's not mine.

Every kiss every touch, every laugh and cute moment is nothing because we're nothing.

My whole world falls to ruins besides me and for once is my pathetic life it's no ones fault but my own.

Notes

The end of Hilian

1/7/14

NOOOO!:(

SO DRAMATIC.

SORRY IF NONE OF THAT STUFF MADE SENSE IM EXHAUSTED AND RAMBLING!!(: HAHA