I Understand. An AU/punk story.

I don't know what happens when you decide you don't love someone anymore. But I imagine it felt like this.

But I mentally slap myself.

You know you still love him.

Yes. But I don't want to.

I will not cry.

And then I was running. Full out sprinting. In boots too. He yelled for me, even chased me. I heard the girls and him have a screaming match but I wasn't having any of it.

Harry loves you. He wouldn't. Would he? But the fact that I can't fully wrap my head around it and believe the loyalty of my lover makes me want to throw up.

The condoms.

The late nights at work.

His drug use.

I run even harder, pumping my arms like crazy, trying to run away from the personal hell in my mind and heart. The picture of Harry kissing her in his office. The tears fall even harder. I shake my head as I run the lengthy distance back to his place.

I don't realize when I get there. Next thing I know I'm throwing up in the toilet. Gasping for air as I squeeze my salty eyes shut.

Do not cry. Do not.

I swallow my tears, flush the toilet and barely manage to get my trembling body up to look at my reflection.

Would he do this? Make him my everything and then rip the mat out under my feet, knowing damn well I had nothing and no one? I was so confused. So confused I got an instant head ache. The worst part?

I kept seeing him cheating... all of the subtle clues. Things begin stacking up to me.

I shake away the tears. Confusion, anger, despair, jealousy, regret, anxiety, even hate rolled over me one after the other. Next thing I know I pull out two of the skimpiest, heart braking things I had stored at Harry's for special moments...

http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=109411854

How sick is that?

I pull them on and pull out his stash of cigarettes. Lighting one and putting the soothing killer in between my lips I sway my hips in to the living room before dropping on the couch, waiting for him. I felt absolutely insane. I felt like I needed to be locked up, but it felt refreshing. I haven't felt anything so intense in a long time.

I smoke one cigarette. Then another. Then on my third I hear his car roll around the corner and dye in front of the apartment.

How can I ever do something.

You're not strong enough. You won't be able to. You're spineless.

My subconscious slashes in to my ego but I take another drag and blow it out in to the smoky living room. My makeup is smeared and dripping down in a trail down my cheeks as I lounge on the couch with my white stick. His footsteps stomp down the hall.

Why would this happen to me.

The lock un clicks.

I hope Louis wasn't lying to me.

The door swings open and my heart pangs at the perfection in front of me.

"Lilian?" He closes the door and begins to rush to my side. I hold up my shaking hand to stop him. He seems extremely scared at the hot shit mess on his couch that is me. "What the happened to you?" I chuckle at that and his face distorts even farther.

"I know about you and Carissa." His face grows even more confused. His eyebrows furrow. Please say I'm wrong. Please say I'm a bitch and an idiot and that I'm wrong like usual. I turn to him and nearly throw up at his pale and guilty face. "Oh my fucking god!? IT'S TRUE?!" I shriek, an inhumane sound breaks from my vocal cords as I get to my feet.

"Lilain!" He begs.

He cheated.

He didn't want me.

He never wanted me.

He wanted her.

He wants her.

"NO! NO!" I scream, my heart feels like it's going to explode. My entire world crashes down upon me. Everything.. everything. It meant nothing to him. Nothing.

"LET ME EXPLAIN!" He yells, panic breaking over his usual calm tone. As soon as he's in my reach I bring a hand back and slap it against hit face with rage, he stumbles for a minute. But he's back coming at me the next, desperation and heat in his eyes and voice.

It's too much.

I can not forgive him.

He did not deserve my love.

I shove him out of the way, drop my cig and go to the door, before I can reach the handle is on me his hands are on me, grabbing, kissing, begging. But I don't hear it. I can't bare to hear it.

"I love you please!" He cries, water brimming in to his eyes. My jaw drops.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU LOVE ME?!" Finding my voice he shrinks back. "HOW DARE YOU EVEN USE THAT WORD! YOU'RE SICK! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT LOVE IS AND YOU NEVER FUCKING WILL!" I shriek like a mad woman, slapping his face and arms, pulling my hair and clawing my skin on my chest.

"Let me explain!" he yells over me.

"NO! I DON'T WAN TOT HEAR YOUR BULLSHIT EXCUSES. THERE ISN'T ONE. YOU RUINED IT. YOU RUINED EVERYTHING THAT WE HAVE AND COULD EVER HAD. YOU RUINED ME! NO.. YOU DESTROYED ME AND I SAT THERE AND LET YOU LIKE A NAIVE LITTLE GIRL!" I sob, my chest heaving.

"YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THE FACT I WAS BROKEN. YOU TOOK ADVANTAGE OF ME. AND NOW I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BECAUSE OF YOU! ANYTHING!'' I howl as he cries in front of me, tearing at his hair in disbelief, sheer pain in those eyes.

"YOU'RE SICK!" I finally scream through my hysterics, turning not wanting to look at him, I rip the door handle open and freeze when he starts to talk again.

"Please let me explain to you, you aren't listening!" he drops to his knees at my feet, tears falling over.

"I hope you enjoyed, Harry. Because she will never love you like I loved you. She will never see you and appreciate you like I did. NO ONE WILL! And you'll wake up and you'll be alone one day. And I pity you." I whisper through my ragged throat. "Now I'm leaving. I'm going to where I should have always been. I fell for your games but I swear it will never happen again. We are done. I'm done." I hiss, screwing my eyes shut as the tear smear my make up even more.

"Oh god, please don't do this. Please don't say that to me!" Harry screams up at me reaching for my hand. I step back.

"Have a nice life. I hope you enjoyed this little game." I say in the small defeated voice that matches my heart and true self. With out another word, I unclip the chain around my neck. Letting the diamond slip down the curve of my chest and fall to the wood in front of the lying son of a bitch in front of me.

It makes a soft clink that shreds the silence. I let out a little gasp, turn and run.

I have never run like that. Not ever.

I literally run like nothing is in front of me or behind me. I run because I want to escape my past and my future. I want to lie and die here on the street. But something feels so empty inside me I swear my heart isn't beating. I'm already dead. He killed me twice over. I will never survive this.....

No one has hurt me like this in my entire life. And I need to dull the ache, the pain, his touch. I need to forget the fire that spreads through out me whenever he even looks at me. Because it will never be back.

And he could care less.

He never loved me.

Because you don't kill people you love.

You just can't.

I was just his sick game.

And I need to forget it. I need to hurt him too. I want him to feel like someone punched their hand through chest and ripped his heart out like he did to me.

I lose my shoes and I run, not even knowing where I'm running to.

Until I see the street sign.

The only one who is always there for me. Who is always there to catch me. The second man I loved and now the only one.

I'm going to where I think I belong.

His house is a few down, his car parked outside. I gasp for air and run up his sidewalk, up the steps and crash in to his door, slamming my hands down on to it in sheer desperation.

It flies open and I stumble back.

"Oh, L." he breaths and before he can wrap his arms around my for a hug I get on my tip toes and smash my mouth on to his,

I need this.

Notes

no. i can't. my poor hilian. whyy? I'm making myself emotional