I Understand. An AU/punk story.

I sat on the edge of my bed. I think Harry sat next to me but I couldn't tell. I could only hear her crying. What have I done? His toned arm wraps around my waist and he kisses my shoulder.

But i don;t want his comfort.

I don't deserve any pity.

"Lilian.." he mumbles as I pull away from him. I shake my head no and make an escape to the bathroom.

I will not cry.

I did not deserve to be sad... I did this to myself and her.

he gets up and follows me but I slam and lock the bathroom door. He knocks and yells but I don't hear it. I don't see anything really... I pull my clothes off and turn the water on, plugging the bath. Watching it fill as I stand there naked.

I will not cry. I cry too much.

Once it's done I lower myself in to the scalding water, wincing from the hot. Good, let it burn...The door flies open and Harry stumbles in, dropping one of my bobby pins he obviously picked my lock in. I turn back to the water, leaning back, staring at the ceiling.

I wonder who will take her?

He frowns and comes and leans in front of the tub next to me, leaning his arms down on the ledge, putting his chin on his arms.

"Lilian?" he asks softly, reaching out to put a spare piece of hair around my ear. I know he thinks I'm mad at him... but I'm not.... It's not his fault. It's mine.

I should have at least brought her to Louis, but Louis wasn't nearly capable of having a kid to take care of with his gang members in and out of his house... he was good with her but clueless when it came to caring. And if I had I would always be there wither and that would eventually lead to Harry and I braking up...

Harry strips his jacket, white T shirt, black jeans, boots, socks and boxers, I lean forward slightly as he gets in behind me, putting his legs on either side, pulling my back to his chest. His inked arms wrap around my upper arms. Harry's head leans in to the side of mine.... he keeps apologizing, whispering sweet and comforting things in to my ear. his breath fanning my face. His wonderful minty smell washes over me. But I can't bring myself to feel anything except regret and despair.

He whispers sweet nothing in to my ear for what seems like hours.

I don't even deserve him... here he is going through hell and back to try to make me feel better and I won't even look at him.

His hands go to my shoulders and he kneads them with his perfect hands for a while. But I don't make any noise, Just stare at the water. He sighs and gets out an hour or so later.

"Come one, baby. Lets g to bed, yeah?" he asks softly after the towel is wrapped around his waist. I shake my head no and he sits on the edge of the tub trying to get me out for a while until he gives up, kissing my temple before leaving me here.

I sit in the water until it gets cold. Until my body starts shaking and my teeth chatter. I groan in pain as I get my stiff body from the freezing water. As I pull the plug I here Harry come in the bathroom. He wraps my towel around my shoulders and turns me to him. Rubbing his hands up and down my body, making friction.

He leaves and comes back with a pair of his sweatpants and his shirt and waits for me to get dressed before leading me to my bed. His eyes never leaving mine, his hands never stop touching my icy skin.

I just stare straight ahead like a zombie.

His worried glances and questions make me feel even worse but I don't say anything...

He leads me to the bed and pulls the quilt over us, squishing my body to his. Sleep over takes me in moments... I wonder if shes in bed yet and where...

One week later.

We're all at the Bowling Alley, I'm on harry's side and his arm is draped over my shoulders. I have been out of it for a while... Ever since I give her up...

I bite my lips and toy with my thumbs, Rae is telling a story but I'm not really listening. Everyone laughs but not me. I keep looking down. Harry's fingers start rubbing soothing patterns over my bare skin. I turn my head up to look at him and he's already staring down at me with a light, sexy, half smile. I give him the best grin I can muster. He leans his forehead down on mine.

"You ready to go?" he whispers, tracing his nose down my jaw bone, his lips grazing my ear gently. It makes me shiver, I close my eyes and lean my head in to him. He chuckles and wraps his arms around me, pulling me on to his lap.

We haven't been really touchy feely since Audrey... I know he was being patient with me.

"Whenever you are." I mumble back, leaning my head on his shoulder. I look up to my friends who are watching us with big dopey smiles, they ooh and aww and I blush, hiding my face from them in Harry's neck. His chest vibrates with a laugh and his arms hold me tighter.

He convinced me to come out tonight, I was skeptical at first but I'm glad I did... not that I really deserve to have any fun.


"Wan't a drink?" He asks. I frown and pull back and look at him. I really didn't deserve to get drunk tonight so I shake my head no. He frowns. "It's OK to have fun..." I groan and shake my head. I didn't wan't to have this conversation right now. "Sorry, sorry." He sighs.

The bell rings and Louis walks in.

Great.

I texted him and told him to come so I could tell him about Audrey. Harry groans when he sees him but lets his grip fall off so I can go talk to him.

"Are you sure you don't want me to come with?" He whines. I shake my head no and let him peck my cheek before sliding out of the booth and walking to Lou. He greets me with a big smile but it falls when he gets closer and sees my face.

"Holy shit, L. You look terrible!" He spits out, coming to me. I roll my eyes and lead him to the bar.

"Thanks." I mumble quietly.

I have slept probably four hours in the last week. I just stay up until Harry falls asleep... and then stay that way until he wakes up. My mind wouldn't shut up at night.

"Whats up with you, what do you need to talk about?" He presses as we take our seats. I sigh and drop my chin on my arms. How do I tell him? "L, whats up? You're freaking me out."

"I gave Audrey to social services." I say flatly, not looking him in the eyes until I'm done talking.

"Y-you what!?" He asks in disbelief, his voice raising.

"Lou." I start, sitting up and putting my hand on his knee.

"What the hell, Lily? I told you I would take her?!" He spits, slapping my touch away. I sigh and squeeze my eyes shut.

"I needed to. You know that it would happen." I say calmly.

"Why the hell is that because Harry told you to?!" He spits, standing up he storms away out the front door. Harry's eyes are on us but I ignore him and follow him outside. II find him as he begins crossing the parking lot.

"LOUIS WAIT!" I cry and run after him, grabbing his hand as we reach his car.

"What?! What the hell do you want?!" I repel from his harsh words. "You know you only did it because your owner told you to!"

"That's not true! Neither of us are ready to have a fucking child around and you know that!" I yell in disbelief. He snorts and leans back on his car.

"I would have stepped up. And you know why!? Because that's what you do for the people you love! Not that Harry would know anything about that!" He snaps. OK, I'm slightly confused.

"Can we please make this about Audrey and not your damn jealousy?" He laughs and throws his stupidly perfect head back.

"Oh please, don't flatter yourself, babe. We both know I'm right." he challenges.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you always do this? Rhonda left her with me! As in she thought I would be best in charge of her. Not you! I did what I thought would be best for her so don't you dare think you had the authority to ell me different!" I hiss stabbing his chest with my finger. His jaw drops.

"I was her family. Not you, especially not Harry! He only left her with you because her and Harry used to shag!" I gasp and take a step back. I reach out and try to slap him face but he grabs my wrist. "Don't." He threatens. "What you didn't know that?!" he smirks.

I stand there dumb founded.

"When the fuck are you going to wake up and realize he isn't who he pretends to be!? When the hell are you going to realize that you are supposed to be with me! Huh? Because I'm getting sick of waiting!" he screams in my face, tearing at his hair.


"You stay away from me, Louis." I breathe, turning on my heel to walk away but he grabs my wrist and rips me back.

"ADMIT THAT I'M RIGHT! You know for a fact he ruined you!" He hisses, I rip my arm away from him, my chest heaving.

I will not cry.

"He never did anything wrong to me!" I screech, shoving his chest, desperate to defend my lover.

"He fucked you up. Do you think five months ago you would be dressed like this? Hanging out with these people?! huh? When the last time you talked to your own damn mom!?" He yells at me.

"YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THAT!" I scream back, my heart beats a million miles an hour in my chest. I wouldn't have this.

"I DON'T NEED TO! I CAN SEE IT! YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE! HE FUCKED YOU UP AND SOONER OR LATER HE'S GOING TO FUCK YOU OVER AND i'M NOT GOING TO BE HERE TO FIX YOU! JUST STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, LILIAN!" He bellows in my face before getting in his car. Anger reels through me and I kick his car, slamming my hands down on the window, screaming every profanity I know as he squeals out. I let out a scream to the sky, clump my hands in my hair, pulling I sick down to the dark pavement.

Why me?

I hyperventilate in the dark for what feels like centuries.

It killed me when I lost my dad. It made me realize life is not fair, and it never will be. Destroyed everything I ever knew. But I slowly rebuilt myself with the help of those whole love me. But a piece or two always remain missing from myself.

When I lost my mom it broke me down. It made me realize you can never trust anyone except yourself. Her betrayal, a hot lash to my skin. But once again Harry built me back. And the walls of my heart went back in to place. But another one or two pieces were left unfix-able.

When Rhonda and Jess lost. It made me realize I have been taking it for granted. Their sudden vacancies startled me but I fixed my walls again, built myself up. Three more pieces lay jagged and unsolvable.

When I turned Audrey over it made me realize no one can trust me; not even myself. It made me realize I was not deserving. Five more piece lay useless among-st the others.

And now I had just lost my Louis. And those walls are falling down again. Ten pieces broken beyond fix. And he was right. It made me realize that all of those unfix-able pieces from my past have been adding up. And now.... The wall is made up of new fragments and I don't recognize it or myself.

Notes

sort because something seriously fucking terrible happens in the next two chapters and I wanted to put some distance between the two sections.