I Understand. An AU/punk story.

A week and a half wen't by fast.

Too fast.

We got in to this little routine, Harry would make breakfast for us, we would all go to work with him. I would go out and get us all something for lunch. We'd go home watch movies, go to the park, or to the movies and then have an early night. And it felt natural. It felt good. I liked it. We felt like a family. And that made me feel incredible.

Harry was actually starting to get used to her. Well, he started handling her better, he was still a little disheveled when I would leave them alone though. Audrey was great though. She never made too big of mess or had any tantrums. The only thing that brought me down to earth was the rapid end date kept creeping closer, and when Audrey would ask for her mom. That always made me feel terrible.

On our last promised morning I took a long ass time getting ready, hoping Harry forgot our agreement. When I come in to the living room Audrey and Harry are in the kitchen, shes babbling to him and hes nodding in agreement as he puts some dishes away. He gives me a happy smile as I go to him.

"Morning." He purrs, pecking my cheek.I smile my best and look to the floor. I really hope he doesn't remember... Audrey runs to my side happily.

"Hi, bunny. How are you?" She giggle, she loves it when I call her bunny.

"Good, Didy." Marcel runs by so Audrey takes the opportunity to run after him. I laugh and Harry shakes his head as she screams and runs off.

"How are we going to work this out today?" He mumbles in to my hair, wrapping his wonderful arms around my waist from behind. I freeze. He does remember. I should have figured....

"Work out what?" I snap.

"Lilian, please don't be like this...." he whines, tightening his grip on me and putting his head on my shoulder.

"I'm not doing anything. If you want this then you need to deal with it.." I mumble. Words can't describe how I felt right now. His arms leave me and he walks by, disappointment etched on to his beautiful face.

"Thanks, Lily." he grumbles and goes to my bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

Great. I groan obnoxiously and hurry after him, closing the door behind him. He's pulling his clothes on but doesn't look at me.

"Whats that supposed to even mean?" I pout, coming behind him and grabbing his hips. Kissing his shoulders, he steps out of my arms.

"We had an agreement and now you're making me do it on me own. You're making me the bad guy and I'm not doing it." he snaps. He was right. We did make an agreement.

"Harry please stop, come here." I beg him, sitting on the bed. He scowls but joins me anyways. I loved Harry, with everything I had. And I believe he felt the same way..... I didn't want to fight with him.... He scowls and sits next to me, leaning back on to his hands. "I'm not trying to make you the bad guy... I just don't want to do this.... not that I'm not going to." I pout, pushing him on to his back and climbing on to his waist. Leaning my chest forward on his. He sighs but puts his hands around me regardless.

"I know.. I'm sorry, baby. But we have to do this." I nod, tears threaten to fall. Threaten to spill over. But I don't want to cry. I wan't to be strong for her. She needs that.

"I know..." I mumble. I knew we couldn't keep Audrey, it just hurt to realize. I swallow the tears and let out a shake breath, avoiding his sad eyes.

"I'm sorry..." He mumbles, connecting his lips with my temple. I shrug my shoulders and shake my head. I will not cry.

-

We packed up Audrey's stuff in the car as well s her and drove down to the station. Of course every officer there jumper when they saw Harry coming. He smiles a tight smile and we get to work, telling the administrator our 'problem.' I sat with Audrey in one of the waiting chair while Harry was brought back to a private room with a spare officer. A social services woman reported to the station a half hour later and went to the questioning room. The three of them emerged and the woman took Audrey back next, just to ask her some questions.

The officer brought me back in to a different private room.

He asked me a few questions about Rhonda and what we did with Audrey, but I wasn't really listening... I just kept thinking about that poor little girl. I will not cry. I told myself sternly. When the officer was done he gave me a sincere smile.

"I know it's hard... But you're doing the right thing.." He nods and leads me out to where Harry is waiting. There are at least six other officers present now as well as a few more social services too. Some talking to each other, a few talking to Harry.

We all had take blood tests too, just to prove we weren't the parents. Harry wasn't pleased about this in the least but I put my hand on his, reminding him we were after all in a police station.

The whole time Audrey was kept in another room for us. Guilt crept over me with every second. Was I really doing the right thing? Harry, sensing my distress kept his arm around e protectively, studying my the whole time. Waiting for the moment that I would break down.

Then we were done.

"Alright, kids. You're free to go. Audrey will be turned over to the state." Our officer on our case finally came over to us.

I wasn't sure what to say.

"Alright, we appreciate everything." Harry said, recovering my silence, standing up to shake the officers hand.

"Can we say goodbye?" I snap out of my mini coma and the officer looks over to the social services worker from earlier. They both nod and he turns to us and points to the door Audrey is still in. I walk past them with out another word and go in to the room. Audrey is sitting at the table coloring in a coloring book someone must have provided for her, her head snaps up when she sees us. A beautiful smile emerging on her lips.

"Hi bunny." I coo and sit next to her, she crawls on to my lap with out hesitation, her Harry stands over us.

"We go home now, Didy?" She asks, winding her finger in my hair. I will not cry. I clear my throat and smile at her.

"Didy and Harreh have to go bye bye, but bunny is going to go make some new friends." I tell her with a happy smile, hers fades.

"Bunny wants ta go with Auntie Didy." She wines. I swallow hard on the lump in my throat. Do not cry, bitch.

"I know you do, but we will see out again sometime soon, OK?"

"Didy no!" She yells, her little face becoming flustered.

"Didy loves you very much, bunny." I say softly, letting her pull me in to a hug.

I squeeze that little girl to my chest. Shes probably so scared. So confused.... I can imagine what she'll feel when she grows up.

Why does everyone give up on me?

The thought of her alone at my age, confused about all of it. Her crying, asking herself why she deserved it.

I thought the same thing same so many times. The nausea and disturbingly similar thoughts from after my dad died creep back in to my mind.

I knew why all of those terrible things happened to me...

It's because I did this. Because someone up there knew I would do it to someone else with out even realizing it.

I quickly pull away from her. I wouldn't not cry in front of her.

"Audrey, listen to Didy." I instruct, shes already crying but she manages to look at me, trying to pull our bodies back together. "I love you very much. And you're mommy loves you to. SO does Harry. But I promise you'll be OK. And if anything bad happens, I'll find you. I promise I'll find you." I beg her to understand my words, but I'm not sure she does....

"I love you Didy." She pleads, I stand up and hand her to Harry. She fights him at first but stops when she sees he actually wants to hold her. She eagerly hangs on to him, his hand grabbing a chuck of his hair.

"Audrey, be a big girl for me, OK?" He asks. She frowns at him, still confused and upset.

"I will Harreh.... You be nice to Didy?" She asks him, burying her head in to his neck. His eyes widen lightly. I make my way to the door and find myself having to lean against the door, afraid I'll fall down. He furrows his brows at me and frowns before pulling Audrey away from him, putting her back in the chair.

"I will, I promise. I'll miss you very much." He stammers, his voice soft as he leans in front of her so they were at eye level.

"Harreh don't go!" She starts to panic, he quickly crosses the room to me, ushering me out of the room. I'm so close to crying. His face is broken as she continues to scream for us. He opens the door and pushes me out, ignoring her desperate screams for us. He closes the door once we're out but I can still her. I'm broken. Why did I just do that?

I should have never of done that.

Harry takes an arm around my waist, trying to hurry me from the building.

But the officer goes back to the room she's in and she squeezes past him.

"DIDY!" She screams, running to me, I whip around and run to her, dropping to my knees she collapses on to my chest.

I deserve nothing.

I am a monster.

The next things are blurs...

She ripped away from me. Harry pulls me from the ground and then I'm pulled out of the door and in to the car.

Not seeing anything except her little broken face.

Not hearing anything but her desperate crying.

And then I'm home.

But I wish I was anywhere else but here.

Notes