Author's Note

So I have a few things for you to work on and you also have some really great things going for you! We'll start with the things you should look at first.

The first thing, and it's very small, is to look at your character list. You have a fine amount of characters but the descriptions are very long. I would make the description short and sweet. Include name, age, and maybe one other thing that you find important. The rest of the information I want to read about. A lot of readers also don't want to take the time to read the description of your characters. If you do a good enough job within the chapters we won't need those long descriptions.

When I first began reading it all came off as statements. I don't want you to talk to me, I want you to tell me her story. Almost as if I'm not here. This is your intro:

Avery, Rosie, Jeannette, and I are at lunch talking about homecoming. Let me rephrase that they are talking I'm just nodding my head every few seconds. They don't care about what I have to say. Well just Jeannette cares about what I have to say, but not when she's around Avery or Rosie, Jeannette wants them to think she deserves to be in the group. You see we are the popular girls in school. Actually I'm not popular at all I'm usually the forgotten one. Avery is just letting me in the group because the four of us knew each other since Pre-k. But they don't care about that anymore they've been talking about putting me out of the group I know this because of Jeannette. We have sleepovers every now and then, whenever Avery doesn't call her to go over. Anyway back to homecoming.

You started off with "Avery, Rosie, Jeannette, and I are at lunch talking about homecoming." I don't want you to tell me that though, I want your character to be thinking it. Try something like this:
"I sat at lunch with Avery, Rosie, and Jeannette as we talked about homecoming."

Just by switching a few words around it sounds like she's thinking rather than feeding out information. You also have the tendency for your character to sound like a robot. Here is an example:

I put in the combination VB1 and opened my locker. I put the book I didn't need into my locker and took out the ones I needed I even grabbed my book 'Divergent'. I closed my locker and put the lock back on. I opened my book and started to read it while I walked down the now almost empty hall.

The whole thing is just "I did this" and "I did that." What if you switched it up like this:

I put in my combination, VB1 and opened my locker. The books I didn't need were placed neatly in while I took the necessary one's out for next period. Divergent sat on top of my chemistry book and I grabbed it before closing my locker. As I walked down the empty halls I opened my book and began reading....

Obviously I'm not perfect but I feel like it flows smoother than just giving out statements.

Make sure when you are using dialogue you really get your reader involved. When reading, I don't want to see "he said" and "she said". Be more creative and throw some adjectives in there that will let us know what's going on as well. The dialogue just doesn't seem to have much emotion and as a reader I want to feel what they're feeling. If you have further questions about this just let me know.

So this is a big no-no:

(V= Vanessa L=Lily)
L: Hello
V: Hey Lily
L: Oh hey V what's up?
V: Can I come over again tonight?
L: V you know you out always able to come over you don't have to ask. Did your mom go to the bar again.
V: Yup she's there right now.

Don't ever do that! You need to write this phone call out as if they were in the same room. There are ways to let your readers know they are on the phone.
Example:

"Hello?" Lily said sounding a bit out of breath.
"Hey Lily," I sat down, hoping she would take me up on my offer.
"Oh hey V, what's up?"
I paused before speaking, "can I come over again tonight?" A chuckle played through the phone and I let a sigh of relief as Lily began again.
"V, you know you are always able to come over. You don't have to ask," she laughed once more before her voice turned serious, "did your mom go to the bar again?"
"Yup, she's there right now."

That way your reader can picture it a little clearer. We can see Lily rushing to the phone and we can feel that Vanessa is worried. Small things like this do matter and just remember to never use this:
V:
L:
V:
Use dialogue!

Last thing which is also a quick fix:
ok = okay
Unless it is a text you need to spell out 'okay'.

Overall I think this is going well. You have great sentence structure and grammar which makes me a very happy reader and reviewer! Make sure to throw some twists in there because it is a common plot. I already feel like I know what's going to happen so prove me wrong!

I hope this helped and happy writing :)

Notes

Anymore questions?
Messages are always welcome or kik me up: Alisonwith1L