Author's Note

I'll go ahead and start with the small things and build up to what I think you should really take a look at!

1. I noticed in the first sentence or two you have used the same high school as another one of your stories. I don't know if that was on purpose but if you do that I would suggest thinking about changing it unless this is a sequel. It may confuse your readers if they are subscribers for both stories.

2. You really need to make sure you are spelling things out. Here are a few examples:
gurl = girl
ima = I am, I'm
er = her
It's really difficult for me to read when I am reading like this. There are a few exceptions such as 'kinda' and 'sorta' but you need to spell the words above correctly.

3. In a few chapters you have A LOT of POV changes. Don't do that! If you want the thoughts for all of those characters you have to make them longer than a small paragraph. A good way to do this is by adding strong detail. You seem to rush through your chapters and if you slow down and give us detail, this will help your POVs.

4. Like I said above, don't rush! Rushing is something a lot of writers (including myself) tend to do. I get it. It's late, you're tired, you have to wake up at seven and it's already two am. If this is your problem then WAIT! I promise your reader will be much happier if you wait to write a well thought out chapter rather than a rushed one. This includes adding detail, carrying out thoughts, and fixing grammatical error which leads me to five.

5. You need to take a look at not only your structure but your grammatical errors:

I got to math and sat in the very far back corner where no one could see me. Then Miranda came and sat next to me. " hey, gurl why you hiding " she said
" um, I don't know maybe because I don't know any one " I said
" oh common you know me "
" well, yeah but your the only one " she laughed then gasped as she looked over to the door. One girl came in. " crystal!! " Miranda screamed

Your words ^

I got to math and sat in the very back corner where no one could see me. Then Miranda came and sat next to me.

“Hey girl, why you hiding?” she said.

“Um, I don’t know. Maybe because I don’t know anyone,” I said.

“Oh, come on, you know me!”

“Well yeah but you’re the only one,” she laughed then gasped as she looked over to the door. One girl came in.

“Crystal!” Miranda screamed.

Mine ^
And no, I am not saying mine is perfect but I am saying to separate your dialogue and fix small grammatical errors. It will take you a long way.

6. Unoriginality: I have no idea how many times I have read this plot. New girl moves in, Harry sees her and wants to change because he is madly in love with her. Now this isn't always bad. I am subscribed to many stories like this because each one has it's own touch which turns it into something very original. However, yours is turning into a very predictable story. Mix it up!

7. If you've read my reviews before you will know my biggest pet peeve above all: REALISM. Like I always say, "this is fiction, fiction is not real. But, you can't take it too far."

Here are a few unrealistic scenarios you have:
-Harry grabs her and puts her into his car
-Miranda says he looks at her differently when in all reality he looks at her like a piece of meat
-There was a fight in the cafeteria and no one saw? No one cared? Not even the teachers?
-She's in a gang she doesn't want to be in. No one can force that on her without some kind of blackmail or threat
-Harry says she makes him weak yet he is treating her like any other girl. If she does make him weak I need some examples. It has to be plausible.

That about sums it up for this review. Again, throw in some twists and fix how realistic this story is. Detail is key and don't rush! I think this has potential just like any other story; you just have to take your time and really think about how you want this to turn out.

Good luck and never hesitate to ask! I'd also love to help with grammar/spelling/structure if you need it!

Notes