Forever Young

Okay so there is only one chapter but there is a lot to fix. To start with, NEVER say:

“Hi I am….”
“I’m a virgin. I don’t do this. I do this.”

Those are things you will mention within your story but saying it like that is way too blunt. Would you walk up to someone and say that? You need your character to sound like any other normal person.

Make sure to read over your chapter a few times before posting it. There are way too many spelling mistakes and errors. You also need to fix your sentence structure. Half of the time I was confused as to who was speaking. Here are your words:

" uhhh, back at rydell high, what do you think girls " I said looking over to Stephanie and vianney, who were eyeing out far the guys. " um well now we are adults " said Stephanie in a classy voice. " yeah well we are trashy so that makes us dirty adults " says vianney. " hahahaha well let's go get em " I said in a fierce voice.

It should look something like this:

“Uhh, back to Rydell High. What do you think girls?” I said looking over to Stephanie and Vianney who were eyeing out for the guys.

“Umm, well now we are adults,” said Stephanie in a classy voice.

“Yeah, well we are trashy so that makes us dirty adults,” said Vianney.

I laughed, “well let’s go get ‘em,” I said in a fierce voice.

Now we know who is saying what. You also had some spelling mistakes I changed for you as well.

To add onto that you need more detail. Everything sounds very robotic-ish. You are giving me statements rather than a story. I want to read a story! Honestly, so far I have no idea what I'm reading other than Harry has sex a lot and likes to take girls' virginity which isn't much of a plot. Make sure you are planning your story out and you know where you are going with it because right now I am very confused.

You are switching POV way too much. If you are going to switch that's fine but the character should be saying or thinking more than one paragraph. I don't think you need every character to have a point of view either. Pick two to four characters but no more than that! Only your main characters should be sharing their point of view or you will have a very confused reader.

Between the Two

I have already said this in your first story but you really need to read over your chapters before posting them to check for spelling and other grammatical errors.

Don’t ever say ‘skip this’. You can easily skip without saying ‘skip’!
~ skip drive~
we get out of the car and take our seats everyone kneels down and says their prayers. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and it's a text from Louis.

All you have to do is delete ~skip drive~

Just start with, “we get out of the car….

Your chapters are too short. You really need to add detail to slow down the process. Take your time on your chapters; your readers will wait. I can’t picture any of this in my head because of how rushed it is and from the lack of detail.

I would be more than willing to help you out whether it is editing or giving you ideas on how to add detail. Just let me know. And that goes for any of your stories!

Notes

I will do a few more of your stories once I get through other reviews!