Author's Note

Well there's lots to fix but hopefully I can help.
To begin, you really need to work with dialogue and description. It isn't until chapter fourteen when you add the correct amount of description. Literally, chapter one through thirteen is almost all dialogue and it's choppy. I really don't know who is talking or the personality except for Naomi who is pretty much a bitch. And why is she like this? Yes, her parents have died but I still don't think it's realistic for her to be going around acting the way she does.

I walk into the school, but I don't expect to be smothered with questions.
"Hi! I'm Nicole Malish! What's your name?" Someone asks walking up to me.
"I'm Naomi Palmer, and go away." I says, walking away.
"But I wanna be your friend!" She yells.
"This is my, 'I don't care' face." I say.

If you are going to start a story like this you need more description in the first part. Why is she in a bad mood? Would she really say this to someone she doesn't know if she wasn't in a bad mood? I know you are trying to get the characters traits across but try it a different way.

I walk into the school not expecting to be smothered by question. Honestly, I just want to be left alone. I woke up late which meant I didn't have time to eat breakfast which also means my mood will be that much worse on the first day of my new school. Even though I've had a rough past I still feel like I have a reason to dislike the world. It's only fair, right?

"Hi! I'm Nicole Malish! What's your name?" I continued walking as I rolled my eyes.

"I'm Naomi," I said, trying to be polite, "and go away," whoops, there goes my politeness.

"But I wanna be your friend!" she said as I tried to open my locker. I turned to the curly headed ginger and sighed,

"This is my, 'I don't care' face." I turned back to my locker and waited for her to walk away. When she didn't I decided to ignore her; maybe that'll work.

So not only do you have a small background of what's happening, we've learned where she is, who is talking to her, a small description of what Nicole looks like and that Naomi is in a bad mood. As the chapters go on we can learn more about them but it's a start.

Next, I don't know anyone's name except for Nicole and Naomi! There are at least two more characters in the first chapter and I don't know their names. I know one is super mean and I'm guessing the other is Louis? What do they look like? What are they wearing? Let me know how snobby the popular girl is! Also, where are they? In the hall, in a classroom, by the lockers? Give me something to imagine. That’s what the first few chapters are for; setting up the rest of the story.

Moving on:
Spell out ‘okay’. There's nothing worse than abbreviations (well, there is but just don't do it). And I'm begging you, don't do this:

The first song is: 'Good Time' by Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen. It's one of my favourite songs. The next one is a parody of 'Monster' by Riahana (Idk how to spell it).

I promise it will take less than one minute to go onto google and figure out how to spell Rihanna. AND, never say idk, g2g, brb, or any other abbreviation UNLESS it is in a text message! While we're on this topic, I don't need to know each song she listens to. If you have something important to say about on of the songs, mention that song--not all of them. That is true with Flappy Bird as well. You can mention the game but you dedicated half of a chapter for it. Unless it is going to be a huge part of your story, don't spend so much time on it.

Next is dialogue. I talked a bit about this but there is WAY TOO MUCH! I need descriptions. I want to know where you are and not just, "we went to my house." I want to know what it looks like; does the kitchen smell like freshly baked cookies? Is her room a complete mess? Let us know! It may seem silly but I promise that will gain you subscribers! And with the amount of dialogue you have I don't know who is speaking a lot of the time. It's very scattered.

All of this yelling and screaming is unnecessary; especially when it’s all dialogue. I need to see this, to imagine it. All of the nicknames shouldn’t be happening all at once and your characters shouldn’t be offended. If they are offended, use a description. It doesn’t always have to be dialogue.

Take a moment to look over this:
"What? Who. Is. Lou?" I ask.

"You don't know who he is? Seriously?" Nicole asks.

"Well, I've only been here about, 15 minutes, so you expect me to know who this 'Lou' person is?" I say.

"Yea Nicole. She isn't a nerd like you." Some other boy sneers.

"Shut the hell up please." I tell this kid.

"Oh, but you can't-"

"Ok, so are you bitches brother or something?" I ask.

"Oh, I'm not her brother. I, am her boyfriend." He says, proudly?

"Are you proud of that?" I ask.

There are a few problems with this. One, I don't want to read about all this negativity. And if I'm going to read it, I need to hear some emotions from your characters. I know if someone is calling me a bitch I'll feel upset. Yes, I'll be angry but it'll still hurt my feelings. Let us feel her/his pain. If you are going to talk down on your characters don't do it too much. This whole story so far has been all negativity. It's hard to read when there are no emotions.

Also, don’t talk at your reader. Explain it within the text. Don’t do things like:
“Oh, and you probably think I’m a rebel.”
Try:
“I don’t know why people think I’m such a rebel, maybe it’s just the way I present myself.”
Keep away from saying ‘you’ as in the reader.

Last thing is realism:
I tell all of my writers this and it is crucial. You have to make your story realistic. For the most part you did a great job. However, there is no way in H-E-double hockey sticks that she can live on her own unless she is eighteen, point blank. It’s fictional so you can make it unrealistic but that’s taking it too far.

Chapter fourteen is the best yet. It has detail, good dialogue, and it seems like you’re thought process was a lot better. If you keep writing like that I think you’ll gain more subscribers. I would honestly go back to the beginning and make it look like chapter fourteen because it is so much more interesting than just dialogue.

You also have great spelling, for the most part, and the way you separate your dialogue and the description you have is great. I think the idea isn't super original but it does have a good plot. Change a few things and you'll be good as gold!

As always, if you need help don't hesitate to message me, I really love doing this! I'm also very sorry for the late response, I've become very busy! I hope this helped and keep writing!

Notes