I Wish

Alrighty, no rate yet since there is only one chapter! I do have a few tips for ya though :)

To start, this first chapter is way too short. If you make short chapters you need to make sure it will really capture the reader. You did a pretty good job for me but I don't know much about what's going on. It wasn't really even a whole scene; just one glimpse between the characters and then it's over.

You did have good detail when you were talking about the looks they made towards each other but I would build off of that. Also, don't use the slash (/) or parentheses while writing a story. Here is what you wrote:

He was kinda cute though with his blonde/brunette hair and blue eyes.

Try this:

He was kinda cute though with his blondish-brunette hair and blue eyes.

It's a very easy fix!

Last thing is the repetition. When writing, especially with short chapters, don't repeat exactly what happened to each character. It's understandable to get both views across but there are different ways to do that. Instead of starting Niall's part at the same time as her view; make it after she's already gone as if he's thinking about it while driving away. If you want, message me for a more clear explanation and I can work on the paragraph with you!

Kiss The Rain

Again, no rate! There is only one chapter so I can only help a little bit.

One thing you shouldn't do is make a character description too long. Honestly, if you add enough detail you don't really need descriptions. For my stories I usually just post the age or a few words like 'Niall's best friend' or 'Harry's step-brother'. I want you as the writer to tell me as the reader what the characters are like WHILE I'm reading. I'm sure a lot of readers don't read the full descriptions so make sure you're describing everything within the chapters. That leads me to your first chapter where you jump write into Melody being on X-factor.

Before going to watch Melody preform at the x-factor....

Woah, who is Melody and why is she performing? How early did you wake up to get there? Was there a long wait? Don't jump in too soon or your story will seem rushed.

The only other thing I can really see with just one chapter is that you typed out all of the lyrics. I really suggest not doing that because it takes away more room for the plot. I might try something like this that includes both your characters thoughts and her singing:


I do look forward to Melody's audition. She decided on the song Just Give Me a Reason. Before she went on I gave her a quick hug before she slowly walked to the front. Simon greeted her which seemed to relax her. I think I even saw a smile cross her face as he asked what her favorite animal is for whatever reason. When she started I crossed my fingers and held them close to my chest. She can do it; I know she can.

Right from the start, you were a thief,
You stole my heart and
I your willing victim

Good, her pitch is perfect so far. She continued on and my smile grew progressively larger. She's doing great.

Just give me a reason,
Just a little bit's enough...

She hit each note with more confidence as time grew on. I sang along quietly routing for my step-sister.

Just a second, we're not broken
Just bent we can learn to LOVE again...

The end was approaching until Simon cut her off. I really hope that was a good cut off. My fingers crossed again, waiting for the verdict.

Again, that's just an example and it could be completely different. Maybe she didn't have a great audition. YOU have to be the one to let me know! So if you include the lyrics I need to know more emotions. As a reader I skipped over them because they really aren't that important. Don't have your readers skip, I want to read!

I think this has lots of potential and I'm hoping you can keep going because it seems like it'll be interesting. Hopefully this helped and message me if you need anything else!

Notes