Author's Note

rate: 6

So as I began reading the first thing I noticed was the grammar/sentence structure. When I begin a fan fiction there are three different types of structures. The first is when the author uses one huge paragraph for the whole chapter. That's probably the worst kind. The second is when the author spaces everything out way too much and the third is having the right amount of spacing between paragraphs and dialogue. I'd say your fan fiction falls between too much spacing and just enough.

The structure of your story can be easily fixed by adding more detail. A lot seems rushed and choppy. I can definitely see what's going on but make it a little more vivid; add some extra detail to pull me into the scene.

The next thing you should look at is who you are speaking to. I have this problem sometimes too so don't worry, it's a tricky matter. When writing, you want your reader to be a ghost in the room. What I mean by that is to write as if I'm watching. Here is a sentence from your story:

"What?" I asked her . She only pointed to her clothes . Mud . We decided to go into a seven-11 . People (only 1 person but he was a worker) stared .

To begin with, don't use parentheses in this situation. Try to make it look something like this:

"What?" I asked her. Desi only pointed to her clothes indicating that she really needed to change from all of the mud.

We decided to go into a seven eleven. It was dim lit and quite scary if you ask me. It smelt of cigarette smoke and the only worker visible stared at us intently. This is so creepy.

That's just one example including more detail and a way to take away the need for parentheses. Also, notice how I have made it a little more clear as to where they are. The seven eleven they have stopped in is sketchy. Now you could make it completely different and make it a friendly seven eleven; we just don't know as the reader because you haven't told us.

Another pet peeve I have are things such as, "SKIP THIS PART". You should never, ever, ever say that! If you want to skip a scene, just do it. Here's another section from your story:

"Stop Liam " he said annoyed . Gawd where did I screw my life.

------------------SKIP CHECKING OUT.NOW IN PARKING LOT-----------------------------------------

"Can not belive you Liam ''shouted Niall

Instead of the skip, simply try this:

"Stop Liam!" he said annoyed. God, where did I screw my life?

We finally reached the register and got out of the store as fast as we could. Anymore time in there and I would have gone mental.

"Cannot believe you Liam," shouted Niall. I rolled my eyes and kept walking towards the car.

So now you have a little bit more detail and you didn't even have to mention the whole ---SKIP---

Going along with sentence structure is grammar. Make sure you are going back and checking your spelling before submitting your story. There are some misspellings and words that you need to spell out. For example, OMG is not acceptable in a story unless she is saying it to someone. For example,

"O.M.G." Ella said grasping my arm tightly.

Another word was 'gawd'. Make sure to spell those things properly. Your reader will understand how to read it if you give the right amount of detail.

Next is my biggest pet peeve. Realism. The first thing that really stuck out was the $1,000. So they just stole it? I don't really think they could just get away with just stealing that money. I disregarded that and continued. The next thing that kinda got to me was that she just go in a car with five strangers. If she was completely aware of who these boys were then I would have let it slide but she clearly stated that she didn't know who Harry Styles was at first. It's a stretch that she would actually get in the car with him. You know the saying, 'stranger danger'. It applies here as well!

I do like the concept and I think it'll be quite interesting once you make a few changes. I think I hit most of the points but if you have any more questions just let me know :)

Notes