Author's Note

Okay so I saw this was your first story and I don't want to rate it quite yet. There are a lot of things you need to work on! So lets get started.

Your number one mistake is how you are writing out your dialogue. Lets just say it's a big no, no. Here is a small section from chapter one:

Anne- (talking to Luisa ) "I got a new job , in New York ,but I haven't told Marcel , his going to be heart broken to leave Clare "
Luisa- "you have to tell him"
Anne- "I don't want him to be sad , you know how close they are ,since they were four they had a connection"
Luisa- "I know but soon he's going to find out "
Anne-" I'll tell him today. Does Clare know ?
Luisa- "yes she cried for hours "

This is what it should look like:

"I got a new job in New York," Anne said to Luisa, "but I haven't told Marcel, he's going to be heart broken to leave Clare."

"You have to tell him."

"I don't want him to be sad, you know how close they are. Since they were four they had a connection."

"I know," Luisa said, "but soon he's going to find out."

"I'll tell him today. Does Clare know?"

"Yes, she cried for hours."

So that's what it should look like, which leads me to my next issue. There isn't any detail at all. Where are they? What are their emotions? I have no idea where they are, what they're doing, or how they are feeling. Try something like this:

"I got a new job in New York," Anne said to Luisa, "but I haven't told Marcel, he's going to be heart broken to leave Clare."

"You have to tell him." Luisa said as she sat down across from Anne.

"I don't want him to be sad, you know how close they are. Since they were four they had a connection," Anne took a sip from her tea, caught between excitement and sadness.

"I know," Luisa said, "but soon he's going to find out."

"I'll tell him today. Does Clare know?"

Luisa hesitated, "Yes, she cried for hours."

That's just a small example but it really is a good idea to include those things. If you don't, your story will have no depth whatsoever. See, your idea is great, it really is; but I honestly couldn't get through it because it's written more like a script rather than a story.

If you need help writing it more like a story I really would love to help! Message me and we'll fix up your whole story and I'm pretty sure we can get you more viewers and subscribers!

Hope this helped! Sorry it took so long, I've been so busy!

Notes