rate:6

So I like the concept and you have a good twist at the beginning but it still needs some work. To start, don't write words like this:

"He was juuuust saying."
"Whaaaat's uppp?"

If you are trying to emphasize something just say emphasize it with words:
"What's up?" I said dragging out the 'a'. I'm in such a good mood today!

It's hard to read when you're spelling a lot of your words like that.

That's really the only grammatical errors you have which is good! Next is your summary. It’s not necessarily the length, it’s the fact they you’re giving us way too much information. I just want something short and sweet to grab my attention. Most of what you wrote is already in the story so you’re forcing your reader to skim, and you don’t want that.

Also, remember you’re writing a story. I don’t want you to talk to me (the reader); I want to read your characters. A lot of the time’s it comes across as you’re talking to me such as giving facts rather than getting into your characters head. This is definitely tough to break because I still have this problem sometimes. I recommend you pretend to be your character; what would you think in that instance?

I know Harry is stressed and we’ll find out why but give me a little more. Emphasize his stress. I didn’t really understand why he was so upset until the doctor came into the story. Maybe bring up the doctor before that point? I just feel a bit confused with the thoughts of your characters. Really let me inside their heads. I’m by no means saying to tell me what’s wrong with Harry (that’s what the story is for), just give me a little something.

My last comment and biggest pet peeve: realism. Before you write anything, ask yourself if it’s realistic. It’s a fictional story, there will be exceptions but certain things have to be more realistic. Matt is abusive, but why did he tell her she needs to repay him? What did she do wrong? If she didn’t do anything wrong show us her confusion. And he stabbed her? If he stabbed her there is no way she’s going to be able to jump out of a window and sprint away. Let me know what a struggle it is for her to move. I want to feel her pain. And Harry runs over her, that’s a great way to start your story, however, there is no reason for him to be in that hospital. He would’ve been taken into custody at the scene. There are ways for him to get out of jail like bail but he would have been taken in.

Remember that you have to keep it somewhat realistic for the reader to enjoy it. If it’s too farfetched it won’t seem believable and you’ll lose readers.

Overall I think if you fix those things your story will definitely pick back up and you’ll gain subscribers. You have a great plot and I do want to know what’s up with Harry but make sure to keep it believable and fix the grammatical errors!

Hopefully this helped. Good luck!

Notes