Author's Note
Supernatural
rate: 2
grammar: needs a lot of work
idea: +
Okay, where to start. One positive is that I think your story line is interesting. It's different from other supernatural stories I've read before. For the things I think you really need to look at:
1. grammar/spelling
It was extremely hard reading through your story because of all of the grammar mistakes. You really need to make sure you go back and read your story at least twice before you post it. There will always be mistakes because we're only human, but you have to remember you aren't texting. Here are a few examples:
u = you
srry = sorry
im = I'm
btw = by the way
ur = you are or you're
haer = hear (as in: I can hear you) or here (as in: I am here)
Those were just a few I caught. Just think about this; when you read a book, does the author write like that? Do they say: i saw niall standing nxt to u. ur friends thought it was funny.
Also, CAPITALIZATION! You have to capitalize words when you begin a sentence or when saying 'I'. Example: He went to the store and I went with him.
2. the description of your characters
I don't want you to tell me what is going to happen in the story. I want to know your character's name, their age, and maybe a few personality traits. DON'T tell me who they will fall in love with! As a reader, I want to read it myself! If you give enough details in the story the description doesn't need all of that information.
3. detail
Detail is one of the most important things in a story. Of course you need dialogue but what are they doing? When you are talking to a friend, do you stand across from them with no emotion? Do you move your body or laugh? Example:
Kaileen's POV
I walked down the street with Emily and wiped some sweat from my forehead, "do you think we should call Johanna?" she asked worried. I rolled my eyes and looked at my watch,
"No, we'll be there soon enough."
So what did we learn? Well, It's hot outside, Emily is worried about Johanna, and Kaileen is annoyed with Emily. In that small amount of space we learned much more than we would have without the detail.
4. chapters
To begin with, your chapters are way too short. The first five chapters could literally be one chapter. You are basically saying the same thing five times, each with a different girl. After the second chapter I knew exactly what was going to happen.
5. point of view
The character point of view is always great to have in a story. We get to see the emotions of both characters which is nice. However, your point of views are too short and choppy. They also say the same thing. Each chapter said they bumped into each other and the band member felt something. We don't need it to be said five times; it was way too repetitive.
If you take a look at those things I'm sure your story will improve a lot. If you have any questions you can message me and I'll be more than happy to help you! Please don't take this personally, it's all constructive and nothing more. Again, if you'd like help I will definitely take the time to do that with you!
Good luck!
grammar: needs a lot of work
idea: +
Okay, where to start. One positive is that I think your story line is interesting. It's different from other supernatural stories I've read before. For the things I think you really need to look at:
1. grammar/spelling
It was extremely hard reading through your story because of all of the grammar mistakes. You really need to make sure you go back and read your story at least twice before you post it. There will always be mistakes because we're only human, but you have to remember you aren't texting. Here are a few examples:
u = you
srry = sorry
im = I'm
btw = by the way
ur = you are or you're
haer = hear (as in: I can hear you) or here (as in: I am here)
Those were just a few I caught. Just think about this; when you read a book, does the author write like that? Do they say: i saw niall standing nxt to u. ur friends thought it was funny.
Also, CAPITALIZATION! You have to capitalize words when you begin a sentence or when saying 'I'. Example: He went to the store and I went with him.
2. the description of your characters
I don't want you to tell me what is going to happen in the story. I want to know your character's name, their age, and maybe a few personality traits. DON'T tell me who they will fall in love with! As a reader, I want to read it myself! If you give enough details in the story the description doesn't need all of that information.
3. detail
Detail is one of the most important things in a story. Of course you need dialogue but what are they doing? When you are talking to a friend, do you stand across from them with no emotion? Do you move your body or laugh? Example:
Kaileen's POV
I walked down the street with Emily and wiped some sweat from my forehead, "do you think we should call Johanna?" she asked worried. I rolled my eyes and looked at my watch,
"No, we'll be there soon enough."
So what did we learn? Well, It's hot outside, Emily is worried about Johanna, and Kaileen is annoyed with Emily. In that small amount of space we learned much more than we would have without the detail.
4. chapters
To begin with, your chapters are way too short. The first five chapters could literally be one chapter. You are basically saying the same thing five times, each with a different girl. After the second chapter I knew exactly what was going to happen.
5. point of view
The character point of view is always great to have in a story. We get to see the emotions of both characters which is nice. However, your point of views are too short and choppy. They also say the same thing. Each chapter said they bumped into each other and the band member felt something. We don't need it to be said five times; it was way too repetitive.
If you take a look at those things I'm sure your story will improve a lot. If you have any questions you can message me and I'll be more than happy to help you! Please don't take this personally, it's all constructive and nothing more. Again, if you'd like help I will definitely take the time to do that with you!
Good luck!
Notes
Again, this is constructive so please don't rate based on your review, thanks! Remember, you asked!
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16