Author's Note
The Moon's True Light
rate: 9.5
grammar: okay
idea: +
I like the idea because it's much different, especially the whole sister thing. You have shown great detail which is also really good when telling a story. It helps to captivate your reader, even the smallest detail counts.
Grammar is okay, a few misspelled words but honestly, that happens to everyone so I'm not that worried about it. I think my biggest thing for this is your sentence structure. Each sentence shouldn't start a new line. For example (your words):
Anyway, Harry is coming over today for a little brother-sister-bonding time.
I did the simple necessary things everybody does when you have a guest coming over: pick up dirty laundry, and clean the litter box.
Then I just played Flow Free on my phone until Harry showed up.
He had a very difficult time moving himself in the house because he is using crutches with a broken arm and wrist.
So I helped him.
Once he was sat on the couch, Big Fat Guy came over to him.
"You've adopted a cat I see." he said.
"Well he's a rescue, from when I was in Taiwan". I responded.
"He's adorable, I've never seen a cat like him before." he said petting Big Fat Guy.
"Well he was the result of a one night stand between a Maine Coon, a very expensive cat in Asia, and a gutter stray." I told him.
Rather than that, it should look like this:
Anyway, Harry is coming over today for a little brother-sister-bonding time. I did the simple necessary things everybody does when you have a guest coming over: pick up dirty laundry, and clean the litter box, then I just played Flow Free on my phone until Harry showed up.
He had a very difficult time moving himself in the house because he is using crutches with a broken arm and wrist so I helped him.
Once he was sat on the couch, Big Fat Guy came over to him.
"You've adopted a cat I see." he said.
"Well he's a rescue, from when I was in Taiwan". I responded.
"He's adorable, I've never seen a cat like him before." he said petting Big Fat Guy.
"Well he was the result of a one night stand between a Maine Coon, a very expensive cat in Asia, and a gutter stray." I told him.
The bold is where I changed a few things (combining sentences). When it comes to dialogue each sentence can be structured like that so I left it as is.
I think the only other thing was that I feel like she should have at least thought he looked familiar. I understand she doesn't know who he is but maybe should could say something like:
This Harry kid looks very familiar. I probably just saw him on tv though, oh well.
Just a quick sentence thrown in there.
Other than that it looks great! Keep going :)
OH! And I love the title!
grammar: okay
idea: +
I like the idea because it's much different, especially the whole sister thing. You have shown great detail which is also really good when telling a story. It helps to captivate your reader, even the smallest detail counts.
Grammar is okay, a few misspelled words but honestly, that happens to everyone so I'm not that worried about it. I think my biggest thing for this is your sentence structure. Each sentence shouldn't start a new line. For example (your words):
Anyway, Harry is coming over today for a little brother-sister-bonding time.
I did the simple necessary things everybody does when you have a guest coming over: pick up dirty laundry, and clean the litter box.
Then I just played Flow Free on my phone until Harry showed up.
He had a very difficult time moving himself in the house because he is using crutches with a broken arm and wrist.
So I helped him.
Once he was sat on the couch, Big Fat Guy came over to him.
"You've adopted a cat I see." he said.
"Well he's a rescue, from when I was in Taiwan". I responded.
"He's adorable, I've never seen a cat like him before." he said petting Big Fat Guy.
"Well he was the result of a one night stand between a Maine Coon, a very expensive cat in Asia, and a gutter stray." I told him.
Rather than that, it should look like this:
Anyway, Harry is coming over today for a little brother-sister-bonding time. I did the simple necessary things everybody does when you have a guest coming over: pick up dirty laundry, and clean the litter box, then I just played Flow Free on my phone until Harry showed up.
He had a very difficult time moving himself in the house because he is using crutches with a broken arm and wrist so I helped him.
Once he was sat on the couch, Big Fat Guy came over to him.
"You've adopted a cat I see." he said.
"Well he's a rescue, from when I was in Taiwan". I responded.
"He's adorable, I've never seen a cat like him before." he said petting Big Fat Guy.
"Well he was the result of a one night stand between a Maine Coon, a very expensive cat in Asia, and a gutter stray." I told him.
The bold is where I changed a few things (combining sentences). When it comes to dialogue each sentence can be structured like that so I left it as is.
I think the only other thing was that I feel like she should have at least thought he looked familiar. I understand she doesn't know who he is but maybe should could say something like:
This Harry kid looks very familiar. I probably just saw him on tv though, oh well.
Just a quick sentence thrown in there.
Other than that it looks great! Keep going :)
OH! And I love the title!
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16