Author's Note
Stay Strong
rate: 9.5
grammar: great
idea: +
I read the first five chapters so far and it's really good. The detail you are supporting your dialogue with is really helpful to the reader and your grammar is nearly perfect. I think the plot is unique and I think the first chapter really captures the audience with her big scene.
I think the biggest thing to watch for is how the characters are speaking and if it's truly realistic. For example in your first chapter she is cutting herself and then she just goes outside not wiping away the blood or anything. If she has wiped away the blood you haven't told us and that is a big part of the chapter. Another thing that I think should be told by now is why in the world Harry really cares. He first is watching her through her window....why? And now he's randomly helping her throughout the halls. Give us an explanation (at least a small one). Maybe just a hint to why he's treating her the way he is.
The last thing is how your characters are speaking. There is one part specifically that got me:
"Okay, fine! I was eavesdropping. After the big scene in the hallway with Melissa and Emily, she ran off to the bathroom. I wondered why so I followed her. I couldn't go into the girls bathroom so I listened and heard you in there with her. You we're about to tell Prinicipal Davis that she was skipping class. Technically this isn't class, this is lunch. She can skip lunch if she wants." Harry said.
I don't think this should be something Harry says to them. This is more of something behind the scenes (if that makes sense). If you use POVs it may help. For example it could be Harry's POV and you could say something like this:
I was walking to lunch when I heard something happen in the hallway. Emily ran into the bathroom so I decided to eavesdrop.
At this point you can put in the dialogue between the girls from Harry's POV. When the girls walk out of the bathroom and see Harry, he can explain why he's there and such using dialogue.
I hope that makes sense, but it's really great so far!
If you have any questions message me!
grammar: great
idea: +
I read the first five chapters so far and it's really good. The detail you are supporting your dialogue with is really helpful to the reader and your grammar is nearly perfect. I think the plot is unique and I think the first chapter really captures the audience with her big scene.
I think the biggest thing to watch for is how the characters are speaking and if it's truly realistic. For example in your first chapter she is cutting herself and then she just goes outside not wiping away the blood or anything. If she has wiped away the blood you haven't told us and that is a big part of the chapter. Another thing that I think should be told by now is why in the world Harry really cares. He first is watching her through her window....why? And now he's randomly helping her throughout the halls. Give us an explanation (at least a small one). Maybe just a hint to why he's treating her the way he is.
The last thing is how your characters are speaking. There is one part specifically that got me:
"Okay, fine! I was eavesdropping. After the big scene in the hallway with Melissa and Emily, she ran off to the bathroom. I wondered why so I followed her. I couldn't go into the girls bathroom so I listened and heard you in there with her. You we're about to tell Prinicipal Davis that she was skipping class. Technically this isn't class, this is lunch. She can skip lunch if she wants." Harry said.
I don't think this should be something Harry says to them. This is more of something behind the scenes (if that makes sense). If you use POVs it may help. For example it could be Harry's POV and you could say something like this:
I was walking to lunch when I heard something happen in the hallway. Emily ran into the bathroom so I decided to eavesdrop.
At this point you can put in the dialogue between the girls from Harry's POV. When the girls walk out of the bathroom and see Harry, he can explain why he's there and such using dialogue.
I hope that makes sense, but it's really great so far!
If you have any questions message me!
Can you please review my story just friends
4/16/16