Author's Note

Hi! Let's just dive right in!

Okay, so I found quite a few things to work on but because you have a few authors it shouldn't be too hard.To start, it would be nice if you had more description and less dialogue. I definitely can hear what they are saying and I understand what they are getting at but with more description I can see where they are, what they are doing, and what they are hearing. I think the easiest way to do this is take out some of the dialogue. If you give us what they are doing and thinking, it will not only help your reader understand your characters but it will also give them depth and make the chapters longer. Make your characters memorable!

That leads me to POV. POV can be a really fun thing to work with because you get to see your characters from all different kinds of views. You get to really know the character and you have that down! I can tell who is who and you keep their personalities consistent which is very hard to do. The problem is, you are switching too much and not giving them enough time. That's another reason to slow down and add some description rather than dialogue.

Just a few more small things that are extremely fixable:
1) make sure you read over your chapter before posting it because there are a lot of spelling errors. Usually this isn't a huge deal but after a whole bunch the flow slows down and breaks a part. You do very well with dialogue and using the right punctuation but focus on spelling as well!
2) don't use offensive words such as "retard". I know you only said it once but it can hurt a lot of people. I know it wasn't intentional but watch out for those words.
3) what's your plot? I know there is one somewhere but I want to know! I'm so caught up in small talk that I'm not sure what you're trying to get at yet. Let me know!

Fixing these details will make a huge difference in your story and it will also gain you subscribers because you are letting them fall in love with your characters. Definitely keep your consistency in your characters personalities because that is extremely hard to do but give us more!

-A

Notes