Author's Note

First, I’m so, so, so sorry this has taken forever. I’ve been very busy with multiple different things! Anyway, let’s get started! I have a few things I think you should look over before continuing but it shouldn’t be too hard.

1.Character Descriptions
With your character descriptions, try to keep it short and sweet. I want to learn those things in your story; not in the introduction. Your summary will give me an introduction but I want to know what the characters are like within your chapters. I really only look at the pictures to get an idea of what they look like but even then you need to describe what the characters look like using a lot of adjectives. For example:
“Her long brown waves were no longer wavy as she straightened them.”
Or
“Niall’s baby blue eyes gave me a sense of comfort.”

2.POV
You are switching POV way too often and it can be a bit confusing at times. Sometimes I have to go back and see who is thinking. I keep getting Cam and Livvy mixed up. I think when you have your characters talk their personalities need to be more distinct. They both seem to have the same kind of excitement as in the way you use exclamation points. Make it clearer; especially with all of the POV changes.

3.Confusion
Okay, the house is very confusing to me. First of all, I want to know what in the world her parents do in order to own a mansion like this. I mean, there are at least eight rooms and this is one house? I also want to know what it looks likes. You say corridors but let me know where the rooms are. Who is across from each other and where is everything located?

4.Information
I feel like you give a lot of unimportant information. I mean, a lot of it is filler such as certain conversations. People WILL skim if you give dialogue that isn’t necessary. Sometimes it’s okay because we need character emotions before something happens but a lot of the time your chapters are filled with things that don’t pertain to the actual plot. Which lead me to another thing…why are there so many things going on? It’s very hard for me to keep up with the different stories. We have Harry and Camilla’s story, Eliza, Livvy, and Niall. It’s a lot to keep track of and this goes along with the POVs.

5.Structure/grammar
Okay, your paragraphs are way too long and hold way too much information. Here is your work:

I said, “So how was your night out?” Livvy started giggling uncontrollably and said, “It was good!” incredibly loudly.She collapsed onto her bedand being the good friend I am got her pyjamas for her and helped her into them.I slowly went down the stairs to get Liv some water and bumped into Harry who was rummaging through the cupboards in the kitchen. “What are you doing?” I curiously asked him. He turned round to face me, looking sheepish. “Oh hey Cami. I’m just looking for some food because I smoked some weed and now I have the munchies.”I sighed and said, “Oh Hazza I keep on telling you, that stuff is bad for you. It’s fine if you have it once in a while.. But come on, this is the third or fourth time in not even a week!” he looked annoyed and shot back quickly “Chill out will you? It’s not like I’m gonna die from it or something!”

It should look like this:

I said, “so how was your night out?”

Livvy started giggling uncontrollably and said, “it was good!” incredibly loud.

She collapsed onto her bed and, being the good friend I am, got her pajamas for her and helped her into them. I slowly went down the stairs to get Liv some water and bumped into Harry who was rummaging through the cupboards in the kitchen.

“What are you doing?” I curiously asked him. He turned round to face me, looking sheepish.

“Oh, hey Cami, I’m just looking for some food because I smoked some weed and now I have the munchies.”

I sighed, “oh Hazza, I keep on telling you that stuff is bad for you. It’s fine if you have it once in a while but come on, this is the third or fourth time in not even a week!”

He looked annoyed and shot back quickly, “chill out will you? It’s not like I’m gonna die from it or something!”

So that is crucial. The huge paragraphs are confusing and I can’t tell who is talking sometimes.

Last thing is realism! It is my biggest pet peeve! Make sure everything you type is realistic. I’m not exactly sure why Niall came into her room at three and decided to eat. Then he kicked her out? Also, I want to know how in the world her parents are paying for that. If they are, tell me how they can. These things are important because your reader will be wondering these things and then they won’t really be reading what you’re writing.

I think this is very fixable but I would really focus on the structure if nothing else. I wouldn’t mind helping you out if you message me and I’ll sort it out for you! If you have any other questions just ask away! I hope this helped and thanks for your patience!

Notes