Author's Note

For your first fanfic you're doing great! Here are just a few things to look at:

1. Format
The way you are writing your chapters are easy to read but the structure isn't correct. You need to type in paragraph form rather than just one sentence per line. The dialogue is great and you seem to have that figured out but I would definitely try to go back and write in paragraph form. If you need help with that I can do that for you! Other than that your spelling and grammar is perfect!

2. Detail/Depth
Detail is key when writing a story. For the most part I know exactly what's going on but it isn't always consistent. I suggest, when starting a chapter, to give a description of your location. Tell me what the surroundings are, the smells, the weather, and any other vital information which may change the characters feelings. It is like when you see a movie and they first give you an overview of the whole scene; that's what you need to do when introducing each scene.

3. Relationships
So I see that Louis and Crystal are eventually going to be together which means I need to see a relationship begin. Not necessarily a romantic relationship, but you say they are friends so I want a dialogue between them, something more than petty things. Give it some depth so when their relationship forms more I can become attached to them.

4. Realistic?
Make sure you are making this as realistic as possible. This is fiction, but fiction can only go so far. You said she is twenty, would her parents be able to say those things to her (ask her to come home). She obviously has a steady job and doesn't need their support. And how did they know who she is with to begin with? They seem to have known that she is with the band very shortly after she's with them.

5. Rush
Don't forget you have all the time in the world to write this! So far you seem to want to get to the point as fast as you can. Of course you don't want to take forever to get there but give us some build up and leave us wanting more. The more depth you add will also help you out with this.

I hope this helped and don't ever hesitate to ask for more! Messages are always welcome!

-A

Notes