Author's Note

Alrighty, here we go! As usual (if you have read any of my other reviews) I like to start with minor things and lead up to my bigger pet peeves/constructive things. I also add a little awesomeness at then end :)

1. Summary.
You only have a quote from an author and then one quote from your story. That's fine but make sure you put your quote in quotations so I know it's a quote.
"If only I could tell some one in hopes they would listen. Every where I go I put every one in danger. I'm tarrifyied and don't know what to do."
Easy peasy, lemon squeezy!
ps, you need to look at some spelling for this.
"If only I could tell someone in hopes they would listen. Everywhere I go I put everyone in danger. I'm terrifying and don't know what to do."

2. Character Description
This is a preference but I really think it is something to look at. When writing character descriptions, you shouldn't write paragraphs of their descriptions. Your best bet is to leave name, age, and maybe something else that's little. As a reader, I don't want to sit and take five minutes reading your descriptions. Another thing that happens when you leave this much information is that writers have a tendency to forget to add that information in their story. I want to read your story and figure out those traits through their actions and your words. So, name, age, something little.

3. Texts
This is another preference (I do it). Maybe put the time next to your texts so we know when this is happening. We know around the time but it's always nice to know the exact time and it will also help you with your timeline of events. Again, this is a complete preference.

4. Sigh...
Okay, this is an easy fix. Don't say:
Sigh... I looked at my now cleaned out guest room that Harry would be staying in for the next who knows how long.
Say:
I sighed as I looked at my now cleaned out......(finish sentence).
You have this a few times and you don't want to make it a habit. Just include it and we're all gravy!

5. -next-
Okay, this is a big no-no. Don't say -thirty minutes later- or anything like that. There are ways to go around saying those things. When you write say something like:
"It was half past twelve when I went to the store" or
"After about thirty minutes I decided to go for a walk"
It's very simple and it takes that away. As a reader, I feel that this stops my thought process of what is going on.

6. Skimming
So I do this too sometimes. It's an awful habit but it's extremely hard to break away from. Sometimes when I write I give unnecessary information and what a reader may do is skim. Ouch, that hurts. If you tell me too much that's not valuable information you will have people skimming your work. The worst part is, you took so much time to write it and people aren't reading it! Don't worry, a LOT of people have this problem including myself. Now in your story the perfect example is chapter 8. Now there is such thing as filler chapters but filler chapters still have information that is useful. Your chapter literally has no meaning until the last few lines when Harry leaves a note. You talk about the house and tea and the cat. This is okay, and you give amazing detail which is great, but it isn't really leading me anywhere.

7. Structure, Grammar, and Spelling
Structure is great! You separate your dialogue and all that fancy stuff is really pretty perfect. There are a few times when you use too big of a gap but other than that it's two thumbs up. Grammar or punctuation needs some work. Here are two examples:
Greenland? No to cold and I have been there. Australia? No been there done that. Oh! Here's a good one Ireland!
Try:
Greenland? No, too cold and I have been there. Australia? No, been there done that. Oh! Here's a good one, Ireland!

Add some commas! Here's the second one:
" NO. That's my job. Just let me know if you happen to see her she will get there before me. Her plane leaves in like ten minutes. I'm going to buy a ticket, and head your way." I said
Try:
" No, that's my job. Just let me know if you happen to see her; she will get there before me, her plane leaves in like ten minutes. I'm going to buy a ticket, and head your way," I said.

So just add some commas, periods, or take them away. Easy stuff as well. I can also go through and help you with those things! And spelling, we need to look at that.

When you are writing and finish a chapter, be sure to read over it at least two times. You have multiple spelling errors or you just use the wrong word. I suggest typing your story in Word first which will help you with your spelling and then copy and paste into this little box which you can submit your work.

So that's that! Want some good news?
Your detail is phenomenal! I can picture your whole story in my head and I love that about it. I can see each room and envision what the old house looks like. You add extra details which helps me understand what your characters are like and I really love that. It's hard for a lot of writers to do that because they just want to get that chapter out but I can tell you take your time to add those extra details. You have also managed to keep me on my toes the whole time. I want more, I want more! Each chapter that passes I keep wondering what in the world is up with Harry. It's great that you aren't rushing things because that's never good!

Finally your story is REALISTIC! That is my biggest pet peeve EVER. Of course there are small things that aren't so realistic but this is fiction so kudos to you!

Overall you have great things ahead of you! With a few small touches here and there you'll be in great shape! Need anything else? Messages are more than welcome!

Happy writing!

-A

Notes