Secrets
Chapter Four
He was right behind me, but I had nowhere left to turn; nowhere to hide. I started to panic, my breathing hitched in my throat as I stared at the wall infront of me, hoping it would open up or move, anything. My freshly slapped left cheek stung, and a searing pain ran from my elbow to the tips of my fingers on my right forearm. I wasn't completely sure whether it was broken or not, but it definitely felt like it. I quickly spun around, tears blurring the vision of a farmilar tall, built man walking towards me. The tears started falling even faster as a stronger wave of fear washed over me. 'Pease don't' I pleaded, hoping it would make a difference. I could feel a scream start to make it's way up my throat as he held a large hand before me, but before it could escape, his hand dropped and he started to stumble backwards.
I was certain he was going to fall over, but he caught his footing and turned around, smacking the wooden spoon my mother had used to hit him over the head with, out of her hands. He grabbed her roughly around the shoulders, yelling incoherent words, the ringing in my ears and pure panic washed out most sound. I couldn't let him hurt her, but I was frozen solid on the spot. MOVE GODDAMN IT, MOVE! I shouted at myself, but my legs wouldn't budge. A cry escaped my lips as my mother shrieked out in pain as he slammed her against the wall; her body slumping to the ground, unconcious. I fell to the ground as I watched my mothers limp body roll on the floor, the man making his way back towards me again gabbed me by the arm, tightening his grip as he pulled me up off the floor. 'Please' I tried pleading again. He pushed me roughly against the wall, causing another cry to escape my lips as pain shot down my spine. 'Troy, please. Don't do this, please' I cried out even louder, tears soaking my cheeks. Instead of pulling away he rose a fist above my head. 'No. NO!' I shouted as it came pummeling towards my face.
I shot up in bed, my heart jumping through my chest. It was a dream, just a dream. A very graphic and realistic dream. I took slow, deep breaths trying to steady my heart beat and calm myself. I lifted a hand up to my left cheek, noticing it was wet. I raised my other hand to my right cheek, wiping away the tears. This was the first time I have had this dream in a long time, I thought it was gone. I thought I was over it. I'm better now, shouldn't it have stopped? I looked over at my clock and the bright green numbers read 6:47am. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep, because I knew I wouldn't be able to. Instead I threw my feet over the side of my bed, stuffing my feet into my slippers and made my way downstairs.
"Morning." I said to my mum, noticing her reading the paper as I walked into the kitchen.
"Goodmorning, you're up early."
"Yeah, I ah, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep." I said grabbing the cereal from the cupboard.
I could feel my mothers eyes burning into me as I filled a bowl full of fruit loops, followed by milk and as I grabbed a spoon out of the cutlery draw. I knew she was going to ask, and I'm not sure I wanted to tell her. I could brush it off, but I knew she would blow it out of proportion.
"You're cheeks are flushed, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I said, shoving in a mouthful of cereal.
"Carson, please don't lie to me." I swallowed slowly.
"I had a dream."
"What kind of dream?"
"The dream."
"Was it the same?"
"Well, it wasn't as bad as the others. But it wasn't pleasant either."
She didn't say anything, but I could see the millions of thoughts swirling around in her head through her eyes. I really didn't want her making a big deal out of this, like I said, it wasn't as bad as the others. And they did say that the dreams might possibly return on occasions. They had promised me that it was very unlikely, but it's not their fault. Her eyes were still glazed over and I just sighed.
"Please, for the love of god, don't over think this. It's no big deal, if they start to get worse again, then you can worry, alright?" I said kissing the top of her head, "I'll be in my room if you need me." I continued before making my way back upstairs.
I sat down at my desk, wondering what I was going to do today. It was only seven in the morning, and I was already bored. I stood up from my desk and made my way over to my sterio on my dresser, I had no idea what I had in there as I hadn't touched it since before I was in hospital. I popped the lid to find Paramore's All We Know Is Falling album in there, and instantly missed hearing my favourite band. I closed the lid and pressed play, sitting back down at my desk to finish my cereal.
. . .
I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard my phone ring. I lit up the screen to find a message from Niall, simply saying 'Meet me at the bottom of your street at 12 x'. I was slightly confused as to how kind of 'secretive' he was being about it but I wasn't going to complain. Spending time with Niall the past week wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, it was actually really enjoyable. I looked at the time on the phone and it said it was a few minutes past eleven, so I threw it onto my bed and started to get ready.
"Where are you going." My mum said as I made my way down stairs.
"Just going out with Niall." I replied. I picked up my black hoodie off the chair, throwing it on.
"You've been spending a lot of time with him this past week."
"Yeah, well he's a really cool dude and we get along really well. To be honest he is like the only friend I have around here, which is crazy I know, considering he is going home in like a week."
"Just don't expect too much from him when he does." She warned.
"I know, I won't. Well, I'm not sure when I'll be home but I'll see you later."
"Alright honey, have fun."
I closed the front door behind me, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my hoodie to protect them from the cold. It was a beautiful day outside, but the wind had a bit of a chill to it, the kind that caused goose bumps whenever it blew. The sun shone down, warming my skin as it touched it, the wind wafting the floral smell of our garden up to my nose. The streets were silent as I walked along the side of the road, around the slight curve of the street towards to the end of out street. As I made my way around the small corner, I spotted the back of a blonde haired boy, sitting down on a log with some kind of basket next to him.
"Hey there." I said, my head next to his.
"Oh hey." He jumped slightly.
"What exactly do you have planned?" I gestured to the basket.
"Just some lunch." He shrugged.
"You're taking me out on a picnic?" I chuckled to myself.
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, nothing at all. I just didn't expect it."
"Good." He smiled widely at me.
"So where is this picnic taking place?" I asked.
"I have the perfect place. Just follow me."
I did as he said and followed him, but after only five minutes of walking, I had no idea where we were. We walked along the path behind the houses at the end of my street, which I knew well enough. But the path came to an opening of trees, that had a small path of dirt that had clearly been used many times, leading into the trees. I had never been through there, simply because I never thought about it. As we made our way through, the forest became more dense, to the point where we were completely shieled from the suns rays. After another solid ten minutes walking, I could begin to hear the slight flow of a stream. Which confused me, there wasn't any lakes or anything near here, was there?
"Here we are." Niall said, walking through to a large grassed opening.
It was beautiful, and I hated that I had no idea it even existed before this day. As heard, there was a small stream running through the woods, the water clear as day. The grass was a soft and lucious green and the surrounding trees created the perfect amount of privacy.
"Woah. This is amazing."
"You didn't know it was here?" Niall asked, confused.
"No idea."
"Yeah, me and the boys were wondering around the other day and found it. Although we came in through the other side, so I spent yesterday afternoon trying to find a way in from this side, just so I could bring you here. You where the first person I thought of when I saw it."
I smiled to myself as I watched him lay out the picnic mat. He came here with his four best friends, and he instantly thought out bringing me? Why? Out of the people in the world he could show this too, he brought me. I didn't necessarily want to know about his intentions, but I couldn't help but question it. A few ideas came to mind, and I wish they hadn't. I liked Niall, a lot. Probably more than I should, but I didn't want to explore this as a relationship. Friends was good enough for me, I was just afraid it wasn't enough for him. It was silly to assume, given it had only been a week, but if I was starting to feel a little something, surely he was too.
"All ready." He said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked over and he had plates, cups and cuttlery laid out. Along with various bowls and containers full of food.
"Well you certainly came prepared." I laughed.
"I have a big appetite, and I wasn't sure how much you ate. So I packed enough for three." He laughed his loud, yet heart warming laugh.
I sat down next to him on the mat and grabbed a plate. He had packed the normal bread and butter, cheese, tomato, lettuce, ham, a whole roast chicken, a bowl of potato salad and surprisingly even a bowl of fruit slices. He had already started to pile his plate with food, causing me to laugh as I started to make myself a chicken sandwhich.
"Would you like a drink?"
"Sure, what'cha got?"
"Um, water, coke and beer."
"Beer?" I laughed.
"Yeah, well we were in America before we came here, so I haven't been able to drink much being on tour. I'm an Irishman okay, I like to drink."
"Okay, well chuck us over a beer then."
We sat in silence for the next few minutes, eating our food and sipping our beers. It wasn't an awkward silence, more of an 'enjoy the moment' silence. It really was breathtaking here, and I couldn't believe a place like this existed so close to where I lived. I finished my sandwhich, and cross my legs stretched out infront of me, leaning back on my right elbow, sipping on my beer.
"This is nice." Niall commented after the silence.
"Yeah, it is."
"Not just this, the whole week. It's been fun."
"Yeah it has. As crazy as it sounds, you're basically my only friend here right now." I chuckled to myself.
"No. Come on, that can't be true."
"Sadly it is. I don't really have any friends, I have aquaintances. And it's too late to try and make friends with them because I've isolated myself from people for so long."
"You didn't isolate me."
This statement caught me off guard. Simply because it was true. I hadn't isolated Niall like I usually did to other people, and I hadn't even noticed until now. I don't know why but I found it easier to be around Niall, found comfort in him. And that made me uneasy. I was slowly opening up to him, without even knowing it. I had to stop before I opened up too much. He was a good friend, but there was only so much I could share with him. Only so far I could let him in. He saw me as a normal teenage girl, just like everyone else, and I was determined to keep it that way. It was hard though, that blonde hair, those beautiful blue orbs the strong, yet loving Irish accent. I couldn't shake them out of my mind, and I found myself thinking about him, admiring those features. That really scared me.
"You're different." He said.
"I've heard that before."
"No I mean, there's just something about you. It draws me to you. You talk and I'm interested in everything you have to say."
"Well, I'd hope so. I don't talk to you for nothing." I laughed.
"I'm serious, I've never been like that with anyone else." He said, resting his hand on mine, softly curling his fingers around mine.
I just stared down at his warm hand on mine. I could feel his eyes strained on me, but I couldn't bring myself to look up and meet his gaze. His hand felt so good against mine, and I ached to turn my hand up and wrap my fingers around his, but I couldn't. This was already far too close for comfort, and I had to stop before it got any further.
"I'm sorry, but I have to go." I said, quickly pulling my hand away from his, sitting up and brushing the grass from my hands.
"What, why?" He said, suddenly confused.
"I just do. Thank you for all this, it was really nice." I said standing up, brushing the grass from my jeans and started to make my way back into the woods.
"Carson wait, " Niall said, grabbing my hand to stop me, "Why do you have to go so suddenly. What's wrong, what did I do?"
"You didn't do anything Niall, you and this, it's great. I just can't do this."
"Do what? Carson, please." He grabbed onto my hands.
I looked around, blinking back tears. What did I say? What was I supposed to tell him? I didn't want to do this to him, I didn't want to push him away, but that's just what I did. I pushed people away. It hadn't bothered me before because I don't necessarily notice it, but now that I was doing it on purpose, it hurt. I cared about him, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.
"Niall can I just go, please." I whispered.
"Not just yet." He said raising my head to look at him.
I couldn't help but look into his crystal clear eyes. I knew what he was about to do, but I couldn't find it in me to stop him, to protest. He kept his hand under my chin, and let go of my hand with the other, raising it up to my face, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. He slowly started to lean in closer, his eyes closing miliseconds before his lips softly connected with mine. He placed his lips ever so gently against mine, and I couldn't help but close my eyes and lean into the kiss. I opened my mouth slightly, letting him widen the kiss. Our mouths moved slowly, yet beautifully together as my heart fluttered in my chest. Before long he slowly started to pull away, opening our eyes to look at each other, a smile making it's way across his face. What have you done Carson? You're in it now, there's no getting out. You either tell him, or you lose him. Your choice.
I was certain he was going to fall over, but he caught his footing and turned around, smacking the wooden spoon my mother had used to hit him over the head with, out of her hands. He grabbed her roughly around the shoulders, yelling incoherent words, the ringing in my ears and pure panic washed out most sound. I couldn't let him hurt her, but I was frozen solid on the spot. MOVE GODDAMN IT, MOVE! I shouted at myself, but my legs wouldn't budge. A cry escaped my lips as my mother shrieked out in pain as he slammed her against the wall; her body slumping to the ground, unconcious. I fell to the ground as I watched my mothers limp body roll on the floor, the man making his way back towards me again gabbed me by the arm, tightening his grip as he pulled me up off the floor. 'Please' I tried pleading again. He pushed me roughly against the wall, causing another cry to escape my lips as pain shot down my spine. 'Troy, please. Don't do this, please' I cried out even louder, tears soaking my cheeks. Instead of pulling away he rose a fist above my head. 'No. NO!' I shouted as it came pummeling towards my face.
I shot up in bed, my heart jumping through my chest. It was a dream, just a dream. A very graphic and realistic dream. I took slow, deep breaths trying to steady my heart beat and calm myself. I lifted a hand up to my left cheek, noticing it was wet. I raised my other hand to my right cheek, wiping away the tears. This was the first time I have had this dream in a long time, I thought it was gone. I thought I was over it. I'm better now, shouldn't it have stopped? I looked over at my clock and the bright green numbers read 6:47am. There was no point in trying to go back to sleep, because I knew I wouldn't be able to. Instead I threw my feet over the side of my bed, stuffing my feet into my slippers and made my way downstairs.
"Morning." I said to my mum, noticing her reading the paper as I walked into the kitchen.
"Goodmorning, you're up early."
"Yeah, I ah, I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep." I said grabbing the cereal from the cupboard.
I could feel my mothers eyes burning into me as I filled a bowl full of fruit loops, followed by milk and as I grabbed a spoon out of the cutlery draw. I knew she was going to ask, and I'm not sure I wanted to tell her. I could brush it off, but I knew she would blow it out of proportion.
"You're cheeks are flushed, are you okay?"
"I'm fine." I said, shoving in a mouthful of cereal.
"Carson, please don't lie to me." I swallowed slowly.
"I had a dream."
"What kind of dream?"
"The dream."
"Was it the same?"
"Well, it wasn't as bad as the others. But it wasn't pleasant either."
She didn't say anything, but I could see the millions of thoughts swirling around in her head through her eyes. I really didn't want her making a big deal out of this, like I said, it wasn't as bad as the others. And they did say that the dreams might possibly return on occasions. They had promised me that it was very unlikely, but it's not their fault. Her eyes were still glazed over and I just sighed.
"Please, for the love of god, don't over think this. It's no big deal, if they start to get worse again, then you can worry, alright?" I said kissing the top of her head, "I'll be in my room if you need me." I continued before making my way back upstairs.
I sat down at my desk, wondering what I was going to do today. It was only seven in the morning, and I was already bored. I stood up from my desk and made my way over to my sterio on my dresser, I had no idea what I had in there as I hadn't touched it since before I was in hospital. I popped the lid to find Paramore's All We Know Is Falling album in there, and instantly missed hearing my favourite band. I closed the lid and pressed play, sitting back down at my desk to finish my cereal.
. . .
I had just stepped out of the shower when I heard my phone ring. I lit up the screen to find a message from Niall, simply saying 'Meet me at the bottom of your street at 12 x'. I was slightly confused as to how kind of 'secretive' he was being about it but I wasn't going to complain. Spending time with Niall the past week wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, it was actually really enjoyable. I looked at the time on the phone and it said it was a few minutes past eleven, so I threw it onto my bed and started to get ready.
"Where are you going." My mum said as I made my way down stairs.
"Just going out with Niall." I replied. I picked up my black hoodie off the chair, throwing it on.
"You've been spending a lot of time with him this past week."
"Yeah, well he's a really cool dude and we get along really well. To be honest he is like the only friend I have around here, which is crazy I know, considering he is going home in like a week."
"Just don't expect too much from him when he does." She warned.
"I know, I won't. Well, I'm not sure when I'll be home but I'll see you later."
"Alright honey, have fun."
I closed the front door behind me, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my hoodie to protect them from the cold. It was a beautiful day outside, but the wind had a bit of a chill to it, the kind that caused goose bumps whenever it blew. The sun shone down, warming my skin as it touched it, the wind wafting the floral smell of our garden up to my nose. The streets were silent as I walked along the side of the road, around the slight curve of the street towards to the end of out street. As I made my way around the small corner, I spotted the back of a blonde haired boy, sitting down on a log with some kind of basket next to him.
"Hey there." I said, my head next to his.
"Oh hey." He jumped slightly.
"What exactly do you have planned?" I gestured to the basket.
"Just some lunch." He shrugged.
"You're taking me out on a picnic?" I chuckled to myself.
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Nothing, nothing at all. I just didn't expect it."
"Good." He smiled widely at me.
"So where is this picnic taking place?" I asked.
"I have the perfect place. Just follow me."
I did as he said and followed him, but after only five minutes of walking, I had no idea where we were. We walked along the path behind the houses at the end of my street, which I knew well enough. But the path came to an opening of trees, that had a small path of dirt that had clearly been used many times, leading into the trees. I had never been through there, simply because I never thought about it. As we made our way through, the forest became more dense, to the point where we were completely shieled from the suns rays. After another solid ten minutes walking, I could begin to hear the slight flow of a stream. Which confused me, there wasn't any lakes or anything near here, was there?
"Here we are." Niall said, walking through to a large grassed opening.
It was beautiful, and I hated that I had no idea it even existed before this day. As heard, there was a small stream running through the woods, the water clear as day. The grass was a soft and lucious green and the surrounding trees created the perfect amount of privacy.
"Woah. This is amazing."
"You didn't know it was here?" Niall asked, confused.
"No idea."
"Yeah, me and the boys were wondering around the other day and found it. Although we came in through the other side, so I spent yesterday afternoon trying to find a way in from this side, just so I could bring you here. You where the first person I thought of when I saw it."
I smiled to myself as I watched him lay out the picnic mat. He came here with his four best friends, and he instantly thought out bringing me? Why? Out of the people in the world he could show this too, he brought me. I didn't necessarily want to know about his intentions, but I couldn't help but question it. A few ideas came to mind, and I wish they hadn't. I liked Niall, a lot. Probably more than I should, but I didn't want to explore this as a relationship. Friends was good enough for me, I was just afraid it wasn't enough for him. It was silly to assume, given it had only been a week, but if I was starting to feel a little something, surely he was too.
"All ready." He said, snapping me out of my thoughts. I looked over and he had plates, cups and cuttlery laid out. Along with various bowls and containers full of food.
"Well you certainly came prepared." I laughed.
"I have a big appetite, and I wasn't sure how much you ate. So I packed enough for three." He laughed his loud, yet heart warming laugh.
I sat down next to him on the mat and grabbed a plate. He had packed the normal bread and butter, cheese, tomato, lettuce, ham, a whole roast chicken, a bowl of potato salad and surprisingly even a bowl of fruit slices. He had already started to pile his plate with food, causing me to laugh as I started to make myself a chicken sandwhich.
"Would you like a drink?"
"Sure, what'cha got?"
"Um, water, coke and beer."
"Beer?" I laughed.
"Yeah, well we were in America before we came here, so I haven't been able to drink much being on tour. I'm an Irishman okay, I like to drink."
"Okay, well chuck us over a beer then."
We sat in silence for the next few minutes, eating our food and sipping our beers. It wasn't an awkward silence, more of an 'enjoy the moment' silence. It really was breathtaking here, and I couldn't believe a place like this existed so close to where I lived. I finished my sandwhich, and cross my legs stretched out infront of me, leaning back on my right elbow, sipping on my beer.
"This is nice." Niall commented after the silence.
"Yeah, it is."
"Not just this, the whole week. It's been fun."
"Yeah it has. As crazy as it sounds, you're basically my only friend here right now." I chuckled to myself.
"No. Come on, that can't be true."
"Sadly it is. I don't really have any friends, I have aquaintances. And it's too late to try and make friends with them because I've isolated myself from people for so long."
"You didn't isolate me."
This statement caught me off guard. Simply because it was true. I hadn't isolated Niall like I usually did to other people, and I hadn't even noticed until now. I don't know why but I found it easier to be around Niall, found comfort in him. And that made me uneasy. I was slowly opening up to him, without even knowing it. I had to stop before I opened up too much. He was a good friend, but there was only so much I could share with him. Only so far I could let him in. He saw me as a normal teenage girl, just like everyone else, and I was determined to keep it that way. It was hard though, that blonde hair, those beautiful blue orbs the strong, yet loving Irish accent. I couldn't shake them out of my mind, and I found myself thinking about him, admiring those features. That really scared me.
"You're different." He said.
"I've heard that before."
"No I mean, there's just something about you. It draws me to you. You talk and I'm interested in everything you have to say."
"Well, I'd hope so. I don't talk to you for nothing." I laughed.
"I'm serious, I've never been like that with anyone else." He said, resting his hand on mine, softly curling his fingers around mine.
I just stared down at his warm hand on mine. I could feel his eyes strained on me, but I couldn't bring myself to look up and meet his gaze. His hand felt so good against mine, and I ached to turn my hand up and wrap my fingers around his, but I couldn't. This was already far too close for comfort, and I had to stop before it got any further.
"I'm sorry, but I have to go." I said, quickly pulling my hand away from his, sitting up and brushing the grass from my hands.
"What, why?" He said, suddenly confused.
"I just do. Thank you for all this, it was really nice." I said standing up, brushing the grass from my jeans and started to make my way back into the woods.
"Carson wait, " Niall said, grabbing my hand to stop me, "Why do you have to go so suddenly. What's wrong, what did I do?"
"You didn't do anything Niall, you and this, it's great. I just can't do this."
"Do what? Carson, please." He grabbed onto my hands.
I looked around, blinking back tears. What did I say? What was I supposed to tell him? I didn't want to do this to him, I didn't want to push him away, but that's just what I did. I pushed people away. It hadn't bothered me before because I don't necessarily notice it, but now that I was doing it on purpose, it hurt. I cared about him, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him.
"Niall can I just go, please." I whispered.
"Not just yet." He said raising my head to look at him.
I couldn't help but look into his crystal clear eyes. I knew what he was about to do, but I couldn't find it in me to stop him, to protest. He kept his hand under my chin, and let go of my hand with the other, raising it up to my face, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. He slowly started to lean in closer, his eyes closing miliseconds before his lips softly connected with mine. He placed his lips ever so gently against mine, and I couldn't help but close my eyes and lean into the kiss. I opened my mouth slightly, letting him widen the kiss. Our mouths moved slowly, yet beautifully together as my heart fluttered in my chest. Before long he slowly started to pull away, opening our eyes to look at each other, a smile making it's way across his face. What have you done Carson? You're in it now, there's no getting out. You either tell him, or you lose him. Your choice.
