Loved You First - DISCONTINUED DUE TO LOSS OF INTEREST

“Niall! Whatever you are doing stop now!” Elliot shouts from somewhere outside my room.
I roll over onto my back, the blue sheets of the large bed tangled between my feet. I let out a sigh, completely engulfed by the despondency that has once again found its way back to me. The left side of my face is numb, I reach my hand up poking at it to get some feeling back, before running my fingers through the left side of my hair to get the strands that had stuck to my cheek back in place. I stare at the ceiling, mentally counting the time it will take Elliot to run out of patience with me and drag me out of this room by my hair. I don’t think it will be long now. I look down at my body, draped awkwardly across the bed, taking in the rumpled jeans and black t-shirt that I had been wearing the night I saw Harry at the restaurant.

That was four days ago.

Four days since I’d last taken a shower. Four days since I’ve changed my clothes. Four days that I’ve spent lying in this bed, surviving on the packets of food I was able to find scattered around my room. Perhaps this is the wrong method. I contemplated going to Elliot, begging him to take my pain away, if only for a night, but I know that would only hurt him. I need the people I can get. I let out another sigh, rolling onto my right side and burying my face into the warm fabric of the pillow.

“Niall!” The footsteps are getting closer to my door. “I’m so fucking sick of this. I swear to god if you do not come out of there, I’ll kick you out of this house entirely. I know you think I’m kidding, but if that’s the only way to get through that thick skull of yours, I’ll do it!”

Elliot’s still screaming as he approaches my bedroom, the footsteps don’t show any sign of stopping before the door swings open inwards, slamming against the dark brown wall opposite it. “Now, Ni-,” He stops mid-sentence, standing in the doorway as his eyes come to rest on me. I shift my gaze up to him, keeping most of my face in the pillow. He stands there, his mouth slightly open, as if he had not expected to find me like this. My eyes make their way to his, they seem soft in comparison to his voice and hurried steps. I imagine I must look pathetic right now. Face half mushed into the pillow, hair sticking in every direction, rumpled clothes, four day old stubble; I don’t even what to know what I must smell like. I keep my eyes on his wanting to gage every part of his reaction towards me.

“Oh Niall,” is all he says, as he pushes my legs down off the bed and sits beside me, pulling me into his lap. “Trust me when I tell you that everything is going to be fine,”

I don’t respond for a while, as I search my brain for an answer that he might understand, finding none I reply, “I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve told myself the same lie.”

He jumps up, I fall face first into the mattress as he now standing at the edge of the bed towers over me. “Dammit, Niall. You’re so much better than this. I’ve seen you be better than this,” he pauses, running his hands roughly through his hair, “you just need to see it to.”

I can’t even look at him, I don’t move from my position because I know he’s right. I haven’t a clue why I’m even reacting like this, it’s truly pathetic. He sits beside me again, frustration displayed clearly on his face. “Tell me why you’re doing this. Is it because of Harry?” He should already know the answer to that.

“Of course it’s because of Harry. He’s everywhere, following me, haunting me, tempting me. I can’t help it, I wish I could,” I mumble into the mattress.

Elliot grabs my shoulder pulling me upright. “So what are you going to do about it?” He asks, daring me. When I just look at him he continues. “Every advance that Harry has made in the past week you have stopped. You haven’t let him win, not once. So it’s clear to me that you don’t actually want him.”

“Well, that’s not entirely tr-“, I try to say, but he cuts me off.

“We need to find a way for you to just get him out of your mind completely. Get rid of him once and for all. You need to remind yourself of all the times Harry has hurt you or let you down. Think of the reason why you left him in the first place. You need to remind yourself of all the pain he put you through,”

What was he trying to do, turn me against Harry completely? “The reason I left him all those years ago was not because Harry hurt me. I couldn’t choose between him and Liam, and I knew I was just hurting them both. That’s why I left, Elliot. You know that,”

He looked unfazed. “Ah, but Niall, the reason you couldn’t choose was because they both hurt you. Liam drove you to suicide, which was not successful thank god. And Harry, he must have done something for you to not be able to choose him. He must have hurt you in some way.”

I was about to reply when the doorbell sounds, Elliot stands up angrily. “Give me a second.” He walks out of the room towards the front door. I creep behind him, hiding in the lounge room while he opens the door.

“Can I speak to him, please?” That was Harry’s voice.

“I don’t think that would be a good idea, Harry,” Elliot replies, not moving an inch to allow Harry past.

“And why not? It’s not like you’re his boyfriend or anything, you can’t stop me from talking to him,” that boyfriend quip hit a nerve with Elliot as I see him wince slightly.

“That’s hardly the point. What I mean is Niall doesn’t actually want to see you, Harry. Ever again,” What was Elliot talking about? I never said that.

“Look just let me talk to Niall. I need to straighten this out with him, not you. You’re of no concern to me,” Harry says dismissively.

“Well that’s certainly not the right attitude that will get you in my house,” Elliot responds, moving to take up the doorway further.

Harry was at least a foot taller than Elliot, but once Elliot set his mind to something there was no stopping him.

“Look just let me see him!” Harry yells. He looks behind Elliot, his eyes flickering over my hiding place before scanning over the rest of the rooms in his view. “Niall! Niall please come out and talk to me, I know you’re there. I need to talk to you, sort things out. I have news that I need to tell you, please!”

“Harry you need to leave,” Elliot pipes up, moving to close the door.

“No, no I don’t, not until I talk to Niall,” Harry replies, putting his hand on Elliot’s shoulder and shoving him out of the way. Elliot stumbles to the side before regaining his balance and walking after Harry. Harry walks throughout the entry way searching the rooms for me. I retreat further into the room I’m hiding in. Harry finally seems to notice Elliot trailing after him. “Where is he?”

“Harry, just leave. Please.” Elliot yells at him, trying to grab his arm.

“Niall. Niall! Where are you?” Harry yells into the house.

I’ve had enough of this, finally realising that the sooner I talk to him the sooner he’ll leave. I step out of the room I was in, into his line of vision. His mouth falls open as he takes me in; I must look a lot worse than I thought.

“Niall? What, a-. What’s wrong with you?” His eyes flick frantically over every inch of me. “Are you sick?” He starts walking towards me.

I’m shocked at his question. “Ah no, I’m not sick. I’m just.” I honestly don’t know how to finish that sentence.

Harry’s hands come to rest on my shoulders, slightly shaking me. “What’s happened, Niall?” He turns frantically to Elliot. “What’d happened to him? Why does he look like this?” His eyes hold so much worry that I almost crumple into his arms. Elliot just stares, the same pained look in his eyes as Harry.

“You happened,” I say, looking up at Harry, who now stares down at me with confusion.

“Me? What did I do?”

“You keep pulling me in, and you can’t do that Harry, you just can’t. You’re married, and even if you weren’t this couldn’t happen. Not now,” I reply.

His hands drop off my shoulders, hanging back by his sides. “Well I guess I deserve that one. Look I know what you’re going through, I’ve been there too. I know that the decisions I’ve made have hurt you. I’m here to say that I’m sorry.” He looks so beaten down.

I let out a long sigh, thinking over what he’s said. “Look I get that. I get that you’re sorry. I know that you’ve made mistakes, so have I. But now this is our punishment, we both have to pay for them without each other.”

Harry thought for a moment, “what if I told you that I’m no longer with Blair?”

I hear Elliot gasp from the couch that he is now leaning against. “I’m calling bullshit on that one Haz.”

Harry shoots Elliot a warning glare, causing him to shrink back slightly. “In fact it’s true. I’m no longer with Blair. Well I mean technically we’re still married, but we can clear that one up later.”

“So now you think everything is going to change? You think you can just split up with Blair and I’ll come running into your arms, just like old times? It’s not that simple, Harry.” I look up at him, “You haven’t grown up at all have you?”

He looks hurt at my questions. But he shouldn’t be so surprised; I’m not the same stupid nineteen year old I was when I knew him.

“Well yeah, I do actually,” he states boldly.

“Why would it?” I say back, just as boldly.

“Well for one, she was a big problem before. You know with the whole marriage thing, but now that I’m done with that we can be together. There are no more obstacles,” Harry finished talking while looking straight at Elliot, as if he was daring him to become one.

“What happens when you’re done with me?” I ask, honestly curious to know his answer.

“Niall, I could never be done with you. Its four years later and I still can’t get you out of my head,” well I guess that was pretty good.

“I don’t even know what you want me to say to that? You want me to say yes, everything is fine now Harry, let’s be together. Well I’m sorry but I can’t. That’s not how this works. And thank god it doesn’t cause then I think I’d be in the same position I was four years ago,” I rant, terrified by his confession.

His mouth turns into a smirk as I finish talking, “well I was just going to ask if you would come for a drive with me.”

“Oh. Well I guess that wouldn’t be to ba-,” I say.

“Niall! No, you have to stop this. You can’t go with him, you just can’t,” Eliot yells, running over to me and grabbing my arm.

I try to pry his fingers off of me, but he continues to squeeze harder. “Elliot, let go. You’re hurting me.”

“Elliot, can you just relax. It’s not like I just asked him to marry me. Let him go,” Harry says sternly.

Elliot’s fingers continue to squeeze. I whimper from the pain and he let’s go, blinking rapidly as if he didn’t know what he’s just done. “Fucks sake mate. What’s wrong with you?”

“Niall, I’m sorry. I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go with him,” Elliot states.

I look back and forth between Elliot and Harry. The guy who’s offering me everything and the guy who just about squeezed my arm off. I rub the red finger marks that are now staining my skin.

“I’m going to go with Harry, I’ll see you later tonight Elliot.”
I walk out the door with Harry in tow, as I get myself seated in his car I still can’t think of a good reason why I’m doing this.

Notes

so i kind of forgot i had this story, oops..

got three exams to do for uni and then perth here i come for ONE MONTH!!!