Harry P.O.V.

“I found him Louis,” I say quietly into the speaker.

“What Harry? You found who?” Louis asks confusion evident in a voice that was thick from sleep.

“I found him two days ago in a café, the café I always go to. How did I never notice him?” I continue completely ignoring him.

“Harry, slow down and tell me who you found for gods sake,” he is getting frustrated with me.

“Niall,”

There was only silence on the other end. “I found Niall, Louis,” I say, my voice hardly above a whisper, I’m not sure what kind of reaction I was expecting. I know that Louis has not talked to Niall since he left us, none of us have. The only difference is that Louis has no desire to ever talk to Niall again; he was never able to forgive him for leaving us the way that he did. I don’t understand that reason for holding a grudge though. Every single one of us has become hugely successful, all except Niall. He plays at the same café everyday, I found this out as I walked by there today, I didn’t enter, and I don’t have the courage to face the boy. He’s miserable, it’s clearly written on his face, his eyes have lost all of their sparkle. And it’s not fair, why should we all be happy while Niall is miserable?

“Harry? Are you even listening to me?” Louis irritated voice echoes through my head, pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Of course I am,” I reply, having no clue what he had said to me.

“So?” He was obviously waiting for an answer.

“So what?

“What happened, Harry? Did you talk to him, or did you just see him?” he’s irritated now.

“Ah, I saw him. Then I ah, talked to him. Then ah, he came back to my flat. We ah, had some drinks, and geez that boy can drink. And then we ah, well you know,” I finish awkwardly wishing this conversation was over so I can go bang my head against something.

“You didn’t!” he yells, shocking me. “Harry, how could you? Did you even think about Blair?” he pauses. “Does Niall know about Blair?”

“Louis, all I’m thinking about now is Blair, how could I do this too her? But I was dating Niall when he left. I was in love with him and a feeling like that doesn’t just go away, as much as I wish it would. But I love him and I also love Blair,” I pause for a second, “And yes, he knows about Blair, that’s half the reason, why I did it. The news of my marriage broke him, I felt bad but I also needed it for myself, y’know?” I finished.

It was a while before he spoke.

“I feel like we’re right back to where we started with you two,” he says sadly through a sigh.

“Try being me,” I say, a sad smile touched my lips before fading completely leaving behind the expression of a man who once had everything but is now watching as everything he loves slips through his shaking hands.

“So what’s happened now? Is he still with you?” he asked, his voice held no indication if he wanted to hear an answer or not.

“Well that’s the other thing; I ah kicked him out,”

“Oh, Harry,” his voice now laced with sadness. “You did the right thing I’m sure of it. Now you just need to move on and forget that it happened. Maybe all you needed was to be with him one more time to get over him. Now you can let him go. Let him live his life without you complicating it and let yourself live yours with Blair without any guilt,”

“And how do you suggest I, how did you put it? Forget about it?” My anger rising.

“Well for one, don’t tell Blair. She doesn’t need to know her husband cheated on her. Second, you need to go to Niall and make it clear to him that you guys were over when he left three years ago. And last, you need to stop acting like a child and take responsibility for your actions an-,”

“What? You tell me not to tell Blair and then tell me to grow up and take responsibility. In a perfect world I would be with Niall, I would have been with Niall this whole time; I wouldn’t have married Blair out of fear of being alone. And now here I am three years later, twenty two years old and still crushing on a guy that I can never seem to completely have. Don’t tell me to grow up Louis, I’ve done more than enough,” I say, angrily cutting him off.

“Harry I didn’t mean,” he starts.

“Don’t Louis. I should know by now that you always say exactly what you mean, I know you,” I grip the phone tightly, my knuckles turning a shade of white. “And I also know that I have to try and make this marriage work with Blair. This isn’t a perfect world-,” I trail off, lost in my thoughts.

“Harry-,” he tries again.

“Louis just stop, you only seem to be making things worse. I don’t even know why I called you. We’re not close, not anymore,”

He stares to protest, he would say anything to get me to change my mind. But I couldn’t listen to anything else he had to say, I won’t. I hang up the phone and slump onto the couch to my right. I don’t know what to do, I consider calling Niall and telling him why we can never be together again but that seems so insensitive and cold, plus I don’t have his number. Maybe I should call Blair see how she’s doing in
America. It was early but maybe she’ll still pick up.

~~.~~

The phone rings for what seems like forever. Finally I hear a click, some rustling around, laughing and at last a sleepy, “Hello?”

“Blair, I was hoping you would pick up,” I say, my mood lifting as I talk to her.

“Harry? Why are you calling me?” she asks, slightly annoyed.

“I just wanted to hear your voice, I miss you,” am I not allowed to call my own wife?

“Aw that’s sweet honey, but it’s really late,” she sounds distant, the rustling noise on her end of the line has not stopped since she answered.

“How’s America?” I press, wanting to continue the conversation. “What the hell is that noise?” Immediately the noise stops, leaving hushed whispered voices in its place.

“Americas good, working really hard,” She pauses, more voices, “I’ve just got some of the girls over, we were just heading to bed actually-,” her words trail off into a stream of laughs. “Look, Harry. Can we do this another time? I’ll call you back tomorrow,”

“Ah, yeah sure,” my mood beginning to deflate. “I love you,”

“Yeah, you too,” she says quickly before the line goes dead.


~~.~~

I wake up the next morning, feeling utterly drained and confused. I made my mind up last night that I would go talk to Niall. I haven’t figured out if I’m going to tell him to leave or stay, but I figure the right words will come out when I see him. I pull my self out of bed, a bed that’s too cold and too big without another body occupying it. Flashes of when I would wake up with Niall next to me filled my head, his pale chest rising and falling with each breath, his blonde hair strewn untidily across his forehead, eyelids shut tightly and I knew just behind them lay the most brilliant diamond blue eyes I have ever seen. These images were replaced with ones of Blair. Her smile as she looks across at me, a laugh that reminds me so much of Niall’s, so contagious. Little crinkles forming at the corner of her eyes as she tried to wrestle me for the sheets. Both people seemed so far away from me now. And all I’m left with is a cold empty space, not wanting it. Walking to the bathroom I shower, letting the water erase all images from my head, I need a clear head today. I dress and walk out of my flat towards the café that somehow now felt like ‘our spot’.

I walk down the busy London Street, pulling my jacket tighter around me, feeling the chill has settled back in. I could hear his voice before I have even entered the café, the soft melody serving to calm me, taking a deep breath in I walk through the door and sit at my normal table acting as if in the last twenty four hours nothing has changed. Diane, the old woman who owns the café brought my coffee over to me within minutes. I smile kindly at her, and hand her a note I had written while I sat.

“Send this over to the guy playing the music with a strong white tea with four sugars, please,” she smiles knowingly and walks away to make Niall’s drink. I watch her as she takes it over to him, a confused look on his face as he looks at her. They exchange a few words with each other before she points her finger at me. I duck my head quickly before they can see I was staring. By the time I look back over Diane has walked away to clear some tables and Niall has gone back to the song that was interrupted. I finish my coffee and leave the café, walking to the park down the street I sit on the wooden bench. The frost coating it soaking through my jeans and biting against my flesh. I sit for a while, pulling my phone out of my pocket to check for messages, finding none and exposed hands becoming to cold I shove them back into my deep pockets. I hear the sound of fallen twigs crunching under some ones feet behind me, but I don’t turn around I wait for them to stand in front of me.

“Well I’m here,” Niall says angrily. He stands in front of me, the note I had written him in his hand waving in the cold wind that blew around us. “So what do you want?”

“I ah-, I haven’t quite figured that out yet,” I reply honestly. Looking up at him with a guilty expression.

“Okay, well are you just going to keep fucking me around? Or is something going to actually come out of this?” his tone is harsh, but I can hardly blame him for being angry with me. “Harry,” his tone slightly softer, “You came back into my life. You took me back to your home; you let me in again, even when you are married. I understand that it was a shock seeing me, I understand if you’re confused, but you need to figure something out,”

“I’m not going to lie, when I saw you the other day I thought things were going to go back to the way that were. Yes I knew you were married, but I also knew that I wanted you. I always knew that. I needed that time away from you to figure out that you are what I want. So I will continue to fight for you. But you have to give me something,”

“Why would you fight for me, Niall?” I ask.

“Because I love you, Harry. You’re worth fighting for,” he says it as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, as if I should have already known.


“But I cheated on Blair, who’s to say that I wouldn’t do the same to you? How could you love a cheater?”

“I cheated on you too, Harry. Years ago with Liam on many occasions and you still forgave me. You fought for me, you still loved me. Why is it so wrong that I would do the same for you?”

Once again we were going around in circles, I need to tell him that I’m staying with Blair that I need to try and make this work with her. But his words were getting to me, they were exactly what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear from Blair. Deep down I knew she would never say them, but I had hope. And I couldn’t give up on that hope and be with Niall. I can’t give him the power to just leave me again, I wont. Louis voice sounds in my ears, you need to grow up, make this work with Blair, let him go, hurt him, make him hate you. Once again I was left with only one option. I have to hurt Niall; I have to do what’s right for my marriage. I look up at him; he had on the expression I had fallen for. The expression he used to always have, one so full of hope, so young and childlike. One that had made it so easy for me and many others to hurt him countless times in the past

My eyes harden as I look at him “No, Niall. I won’t do this with you again. I feel like we’re just doing the same thing over and over again. You hurt me; I hurt you it doesn’t matter because it always ends the same way, and one of us leaves. I can’t handle you leaving me again, Niall. I won’t let you do that to me. I’m going to do everything in my power to make my marriage work, and if in the end it doesn’t, well we’ll see what can happen between us. I-,”

He cuts me off, “If it doesn’t work out, you’ll see what happens between us? So I’m just some shitty second choice is that it? I mean it’s not as if I was the love of your life once or anything. For fucks sake, if this is what I get with you then maybe I don’t want it at all. You act as if you’re some god to me, if I don’t have you my whole world will crumble. Get off your fucking pedestal, Harry. I have other options,” he spat.

I literally took a step back, how could his mood change so quickly? One minute he’s confessing his love for me again and the next he’s saying he has other options.

“Niall, you know I didn’t mean it like that,” I try to salvage this conversation.

“Don’t try to make excuses, Harry. I know you meant it, you wouldn’t have said it otherwise,” he turns his head down to the ground, his chin shaking slightly.

I take a step closer to him, placing my fingers under his chin I lift it up, and sure enough there is the beginning of tears in his eyes. “Oh Niall,” I say, enveloping his tiny body in my arms, holding him tightly against me.

His body shakes against mine, he makes no move to wrap his arms around me, instead he scrunches my shirt tightly in his hands, unwilling to let me go. “Just tell me why you did it, Harry. Why did you marry Blair?” he says, sniffling against my shoulder.

I didn’t want to hurt him anymore, but I know that my answer will. “You weren’t coming back Niall. I called you, I tried looking for you. I did everything that I could possibly think of to find you. You left me remember? I loved you, but you weren’t coming back. I couldn’t wait around for you,”

He doesn’t speak for a while, I imaged he was letting my answer sink in. Allowing it to float throughout his entire being and make him feel even worse that he already does.

“And even now, even though I’m back you won’t even consider it. I want to be with you, Harry,” he says it as more of a statement then I question.

“I’m sorry, Niall,” I feel like all I am doing is apologizing to people, but I don’t have anything else to say. At least nothing that would make him feel any better.

He pulls back slightly so he can look into my eyes. “How can I be happy now that I’ve lost you again? How can I be happy when I’ve lost everything that means anything to me?”

His words stab right through my chest and I almost pull him back against me.

Almost.

He stands up on his tip toes and places his lips lightly against mine; all too soon he pulls back.

“Well, maybe you might think a little different when new information comes to light. Come see me at the café. At the very least I hope we can still be mates,” he says, giving me a small, sad smile before pulling out of my arms.

He walks away, leaving me to once again wonder how I can continue to hurt such an amazing guy.

Notes

sorry sorry sorry sorry. I've had a lot going on recently. hope this makes up for it.