Niall P.O.V.

“Does this feel strange to you, being here with me like this?”

I turn my gaze slowly from the freezing river flowing evenly in front of us. I look over at him, studying him carefully for a moment. His brown curls move slightly in the breeze as it bites against our exposed cheeks. He wraps his scarf tighter around his neck, a feeble attempt to keep the cold from touching him.

“No, not really,” I look away thinking for a moment. “I’m actually quite enjoying getting to know you.”

He looks down at his hands, intertwining his fingers. “I never thought we would be able to do this again.”

It’s hard to know what to say to him, he looks so tortured, as if he would crumble at the wrong choice of words.

He looks over to me. “I’ve done a lot of things in my life that I regret Niall, but there is nothing I regret more than what I did to you. I mean I was a dumb kid, terrified by the thought of having someone love me, of loving someone. Not to mention loving a guy. The thought scared me so much that I lashed out, I hid behind the disgusting words I said to you.” His words continue to spill out faster, falling over each other in an attempt to get out quicker. I place my hand lightly on his shoulder and he stops, taking a deep breath before sighing. “I would apologise to you now if I thought that it would change anything. I don’t know if your amnesia is a blessing or a curse. You don’t remember anything and for that I am truly sorry, because even if that time of your life was horrible there were also many good moments that I only wish you could remember. I mean, we were happy once.”

It was moments like this when I wish that I could remember them, because he’s right, it couldn’t have been all bad, so how could I not forgive him. The battle he’s fighting is evident on his face when he’s around me. How could I be so cruel as to not forgive him, what kind of person would that make me? What kind of person was I? What kind of person would deny his friends happiness even though they may have wronged him? Was I so broken, so self-centered that I didn’t even give a second thought to my friends?

“Would it make you feel better if I told you I forgive you now?” I ask him. He smiles slightly at me.

“I know it’s selfish of me to ask for it, because I know there was a reason you never did. But it would be nice to hear the words.”

I return his smile, knowing that there’s nothing more I can do. “I forgive you Liam.”

His smile falters for a second perhaps shocked at my immediate forgiveness I highly doubt that he expected me to hand it over so easily after all this time.

We stare at each other for a minute. Well he stares at me and I shift uncomfortably from side to side silently hoping that any second his gaze will drop. Before I know it he’s standing right in front of me, my eyes are level with his nose and I can feel the hairs on my head ruffling due to his breath being so close. I can feel him looking down at me, but I can’t find the desire within myself to meet his eyes. We stand like this for a bit, and just when the closeness of our position sweeps over me again he lifts my chin and looks me in the eye. He looks at me just long enough to catch my expression, once again I’m too shocked by what’s actually about to happen to move, before his lips slowly connect with mine. Our mouths slide slowly against each other, his hand stays firmly under my chin, either to keep me there in case I decide to fight or out of convenience I can’t be sure. The kiss is gentle, there’s no passion or lust only tongues moving sloppily against the other, it’s just a kiss and I’m not sure if it’s a particularly good kiss, having not remembered kissing someone before I have nothing to compare it to. I’m not even sure I like kissing boys.

I push him away just enough so I can look at him. His eyes are looking at me expectantly as if waiting for a response. I don’t give him one; I keep my face completely blank.

I hope I didn’t just make the biggest mistake.

~~.~~

My sleep is once again restless. I have long since kicked the entirety of my bed sheets on to the floor, and spent a good twenty minutes pacing around my room in an effort to exhaust myself. Counting sheep didn’t work, when my mind continued to drift to other things. Namely a certain kiss.

So now I find myself lying in the middle of the mattress in my boxers staring straight up at the ceiling. I try to follow and count the number of fan rotations hoping the boredom will put me to sleep but it’s another failure. With a sigh I roll over onto my side and curl into a ball, holding onto my feet in an attempt to comfort myself. I can slightly feel the weight of an arm against me, the fingers splayed against my stomach as they hold me against a strong body, a phantom feeling really. Like people who experience phantom limbs. Though I’m not entirely sure how one would describe this because the limb does not belong to me, instead I crave the feeling of having the arm draped over me.

I have a sudden thought to go into Harry’s room and join him, but dismiss the idea from my mind. That would be weird wouldn’t it? I hardly know the guy. And just like that the pressure on my stomach is gone, along with the hope of getting any sleep tonight.

~~.~~

I leave my room at 5am having failed to get any more sleep; I’ve grown tired of lying in the large bed staring at the walls. I walk past Harry’s room seeing the door shut, I’m slightly thankful that he’s not already up, I haven’t decided if I’m going to mention the kiss to him or not.

I hum a tune as I make my morning coffee before sitting down at the table and twiddle my thumbs. Not ten minutes later Harry pads into the kitchen rubbing the sleep from his eyes. He looks at me tiredly before turning to the coffee machine. I pick up a magazine that had been tossed on the table earlier, flicking through it quickly, after not finding anything that catches my eye I set it down and turn towards Harry.

“Morning Harold,” I say, taking a sip from my mug.

“Don’t call me Harold,” he mumbles, leaning his hip against the bench and yawning.

I stay quiet; the tension still thick between us.

“So how’d it go with Liam yesterday?” He asks me casually, as if my answer will have no effect on him.

I don’t look at him. “Uh, it was fine. We went to the river and talked about things, and ah-,” I hesitate for a moment, should I tell him? No better not that’ll only cause problems. “Yeah that’s all.”

He raises his eyebrow questionably at me.

No I have to tell him; otherwise it will eat me alive.

“Actually he uh, he kissed me.” I stutter, looking back down at the coffee in my hands. I can’t seem to meet his gaze as I say it.

“God damn it!” he yells angry. I jump slightly when I hear something breaking, lifting my eyes to see what caused it.

Harry stands there his eyes furious with half of his coffee cup in his hand; the rest of it is broken into pieces on the bench in front of him, the hot liquid running over the sides onto the floor.

“Please tell me you’re joking. Please tell me you’re not that stupid Niall.” He spits angrily, his eyes wide as if he can’t believe what he just heard.

I glare at him; I can’t seem to do anything right when it comes to Harry. I’m sick of never knowing what’s going to set him off. I place my mug down and run my hands through my hair, pulling at it roughly in frustration.

“What is your problem?” I yell at him.

“You are!” he yells back, hands clenched into tight fists. “You and Louis, and Liam, and Zayn, and Riley. You’re all acting as if nothing’s happened! You’re off kissing and doing god knows what with Liam and here I am alone waiting for you to acknowledge me. Waiting for you to remember just who I am to you.”

“I chose to tell you about what happened with Liam. I could just have easily not said anything and you would have found some other thing to go off at me about. I can’t do anything right in your eyes. Don’t you get that I’m trying too?” I pause to catch my breath a bit. “It’s only been a month Harry. You’re acting as if it’s been like this for a lot longer. We’re all doing the best we can given to circumstances.”

He scoffs. “What and your best is kissing Liam?”

I’m sick of him; every little word that leaves his mouth infuriates me. So I say something that I immediately curse myself for, when I see his eyes lower to the ground in absolute defeat. “Did you ever think that maybe Liam was the one? That perhaps I just settled for you, did you ever think of that Harry?”

His eyes remain lowered to the ground as he speaks. “Wow. It’s finally nice to know how you really feel, Niall.”

It was too late to go back now, as much as I wish I could take by the words I’d spoken I can’t, I have to continue. “Does it matter to you how I feel, Harry? You seem so set on dragging me to you, of trying to make us exactly what we were before, but it isn’t working. Maybe we’re just not meant to be.” I run my hands through my hair again.

“I don’t believe that.” He says, lifting his head and looking me dead in the eye. “You can’t tell me that we didn’t have something, because though you may not remember I do, and that’s enough for me.” His face though defeated still holds the smallest granule of hope, I’m sorry I’m about to squash that part of him.

“I believe it.” I say, looking right at him. “I can’t be who you want me to be, at least not now.”

~~.~~

I find myself on Liam’s doorstep, having texted him as soon as I left Harry’s for his address. I’m stood at the door of his hotel room, duffle bag dumped unceremoniously as my feet and wet tears sliding down my cheeks. I knock twice on the door and wait for him to answer it, when he does he’s clad in a black t-shirt and grey sweats, his eyes rake over me before coming to rest on my face.

“Oh Niall, what’s happened?” He asks, reaching for my duffle bag and gesturing me inside.

I take a deep breath hoping that my voice doesn’t betray me by cracking.

“I think I just broke up with Harry.” He continues to look at me, careful not to show his emotions. “And the worst part is that I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

“Just come inside and we’ll talk about it there.” He says, placing his free hand on my back and gently pushing me in the room.

I sit at the breakfast bar in the corner of the room while he sets about making us each a cup of tea. I sit there sniffling as I watch the steam rise up from the top of the kettle. Liam stands with his hip leaning against the bench and it reminds me so much of Harry that a new wave of tears over flow from my eyes. Once I have my sniffles somewhat under control again Liam hands me a cup of the steaming tea as I look up at him.

“First of all I think I should tell you that I’m confused about our kiss.” He stares at me silently. “Not saying that I regret it, because I’m not sure if I do or not, there’s just too many things happening at once.” I take a deep breath as he watches me. “And secondly, Harry and I had a fight.”

“Well that’s pretty obvious,” he states as if he was waiting for something more. I take a long sip of my tea to mask my surprise at his harsh tone. “What was it about?”

I think for a moment, what was the fight actually about? We fought about a lot of things but nothing really in particular. “Well I guess it started out with our kiss,” I gesture between us so he understood. “And it kind of escalated from there. I accused him of smothering me, of trying to make us exactly as we were before. I told him that he isn’t the one and that maybe you are, but I don’t even know what I was saying.” I look up at him. “I don’t think that’s true. I mean now that I think about it the whole reason for the fight is utterly ridiculous.”

He sighs and sits himself on the stool next to mine. “Can I tell you something, Niall?”

“Of course,” I say, leaning slightly closer to him.

“I’m not sure how much Harry has told you about the events leading up to the accident and I want to make sure that what you’re hearing about you two is correct,” his expression changes to one of pity as his eyes search mine for any understanding. I stare blankly at him, patiently waiting for him to continue. “I don’t actually think that you two were together for a long time leading up to the accident, in fact I’m pretty sure you two were on very rocky terrain.”

My expression remains blank as I take in his words. Harry and I weren’t together? Liam notices my expression and sighs again.

“What has Harry actually told you?”

“He, ah, told me about you and me, about what happened in Australia. And I’ve obviously picked up on his feelings for me.” I say cautiously.

“That’s it?” he remarks, shocked at my words. I nod, not sure of where he is going with this.

“He didn’t mention anything about the two of you?”

I think for a moment, trying to remember if it had ever come up in our brief conversations. “Nothing specific I don’t think, I’m sure I would have remembered if he just came out and said that he’s romantically interested in me. I mean I know that he’s protective over me and that he has some interest in me, but it’s all so new to me that I didn’t know what to think. I think part of me was hoping that he was just being a good friend, seeing as I don’t remember him and all, you know?” I shrug my shoulders hoping that he’ll understand what I’m talking about.

“Yeah I guess that makes sense.” He looks at me for a moment. “You know it’s not really my place to tell you what’s happened between you and Harry, and I don’t know the half of it because I wasn’t there. You should talk to Elliot about it, he would know more about this than any of us.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right.” I stand up and walk to the sink, tipping the remainder of my tea out and turning back around. “Well I’ll do that later today; I really just want to get some sleep.”

He stands up looking at little embarrassed. “Oh okay then. I ah only have the one bed, but I can sleep on the couch if that would make you more comfortable.” He scratches the back of his neck looking away from me.

“What? Don’t be ridiculous, I can sleep on the couch its fine.” I say.

“There’s no way I’m making you sleep on the couch, we’ll just share the bed then if you’re fine with that.” He replies, still not looking at me.

“Yeah that’s fine.” I grab my duffle bag and make my way down the short hall to the bedroom.

~~.~~

It’s a completely different feeling lying beside Liam. It was like he was afraid to touch me, not that I watched him to, but for some reason I find myself comparing him to Harry. I remember the warmth of Harry, the way it was always so much better when I was beside him, whether we were touching or not. Just being with him was better.

I lie on my back staring up at the ceiling again, I should know by now that I don’t actually sleep that much but I still will my eyes to stay closed. Liam’s lying on his side facing away from him; I can’t tell if he’s asleep or not, I really hope that he is. I don’t want him to be lying there wondering whether or not he should talk to me or touch me, I just, I don’t want that. I want Harry, but I still don’t understand why.

Notes

I'm half inclined to stop writing this story, but the other half of me wants to continue it..