Longing for you

Myself turned into a psycho. Being crazy about staring at him as he still laid passed out next to me. His dark brown curls were spread all over the pillow as he slept with his mouth faintly open.

The dark eyelashes of him happened to flicker here and then in his dream, while his chest went up and down steadily, making the moth on his chest moving its wings. He really bought a flight ticket to Germany. My home and probably his home as well soon.

After all I knew why he had bought it since I had thought about different opportunities as well. The last time I left him to fly over the ocean still burned in the back of my mind and I knew that I couldn´t just walk out of his life one more time.

Therefore I needed him to much, needed him to make me feel strong and loved. Even the small gap between our bodies in the bed felt like there was way too much space between us, so how was I supposed to get away from him to another country again?

But on the contrary to me he had been the brave one and just took the opportunity to show me how much he wanted me. Sightly I laughed over that thought.

Harry Styles wanted me. Me, my little self-conscious,awkward, clumsy and boring self. Still it all felt like I was about to wake up from this dream every minute, only to find myself, laying in my bed alone and realizing everything just had been nothing but an imagination my subconscious came up with.

Living with Harry was something, which made my hurt race faster just as the thought of it.

But what was about all the “ifs”? What would happen, if his mother wouldn´t be against his decision to call of his college? What if, Rosy´s little, chubby hand would reach out for him to stay? What if, my Mum wouldn´t let him stay with me? What if, he fell for another girl and leave me like I did left him?

I was scared, but to stubborn to admit my weakness to him. My still bruised face shown enough weakness at all and I felt my hand turn into a fist as I felt my cheeks heat up with anger. Never in a million years I wanted to feel that frail again and the fact that I loved Harry already did.

He was my weakness since I couldn´t even think clearly around him.

Kissing him while he was in a relationship? Not pushing him away from me, but move in closer? Failure.

But the same way he made me stronger than I ever felt before. Telling me how beautiful I am? Kissing me to make me feel better and forget about my worries? Strength.

He moaned a little bit and pulled the sheet a little bit up in his sleep and I smiled at him. God, he was everything. It could work out, I tried to convince myself. My head just had to stop overthinking everything, always seeing the bad parts and the “ifs”, which would make everything fail int the end.

What if, Harry helped me getting through the last weeks of my school year? What if, he was there when I came home, having a bad day and him waking me feel better? What if, we managed to get through all these difficulties without feeling the slightest difference for each other?

Concentrating on the good things I slowly moved my hand up and down his arm, carefully touching his skin. My smile got bigger as I saw the goose bumps he got and the hair on his arms getting up.

Harry was everything I ever wanted and now he was laying here next to me our nearly naked bodies only centimeters from each other apart. The thought of him and Aimee sleeping like this made my stomach hurt and I quickly tried to get it out of my head.

Now he´s here with you!, I told myself to stop being jealous of somebody, who was miles away. My view dropped on the watch and I saw that it was already after nine. Harry wanted to do something with me today and he wanted to plan a date. A date with Harry!, my inner voice cheered.

Probably I should have told him about that thing in Germany. Seeing this guy for some times before he tried to kiss me and I started to cry. Crying, when someone tries to kiss you is a really bad idea and as he perplex asked what was wrong all I could press out was that I thought that I was still in love with someone else.

“Why aren´t you with him then?”, he had asked me and I shrugged my shoulders, letting out a faint laugh.

“Things are complicated.”

“Your tears just prove that you´re right, Clary. Love hurts like hell”, he said and that was the last time we did something together before we went over to only nodding our heads in realization.

His eyes always showed compassion whenever they met mine accidentally and I felt even worse since he seemed to know me better than I did myself.

Slowly I moved closer to Harry and bridged the last space between us before I carefully kissed his lips. He let out a groan, but didn´t woke up. So I tried again, but this time I slowly kissed down his neck down to the two birds before I suddenly traced them with my finger.

“Just give me...5 more minutes”, he mumbled but I could tell he was turned on. With my lips never leaving his skin I traveled up to his face again, pressing my lips one last time on his. His eyes flattered open and he pulled his strong arms around me, pushing me closer to his naked chest since he was just wearing his boxers.

“Good morning, handsome”, I whispered against his lips and he smiled for me, revealing his deep dimples.

His green eyes with this special golden sparkle in them locked into mine before he mumbled back: “Indeed it is.”

My head found its way to his chest and I rested like that, on top of him on his warm chest for the next minutes. His hands comforted my back as he moved them up and down, making me squeeze a little bit in rapture.

“How late is it?”, his raspy morning voice asked and I told him.

“We should stay in bed”, he surprisingly replied.

“Huh?”, I questioned and he laughed and filled the bedroom with it.

“Do nothing. I just wanna lay here, doze, kiss and enjoy the feeling of you being in my arms”, he explained and I sat up a little bit to be able to see his face.

“You sure?”, I asked and already found myself being more than just okay with that.

“One hundred percent”, he answered huskily and started to play with a strain of my curly hair, which must looked horrible after the night. I rested my forehead against his and were reminded of how much I had missed days like this. The sun rays fell slightly into the room and lightened some parts of the floor and the bed with warm light.

His lips somehow found mine, touching my crackled lips with his tongue. Slowly I moved them under his and again I found myself in wonder why they seemed to do it so naturally. Our tongues slipped against each other and I felt his hands in my hair, pulling me even closer.

My small hands moved to his face and I held on to him like he was my anchor. I was afraid he would let go somehow, just get up, walk out of this door and running back to Aimee, leaving me half naked and out of breath in the big bed.

He seemed to realize the change in my kiss as well as he pulled away and held my face in his big hands, which had the double size as mine.

“I love you”, he said the tree words I wanted to hear so badly. I took some seconds before I was sure I could answer him with the three words, who had been told way too much and not enough at the same time on the whole wide world.

“I love you, Harry.”

My eyes were closed as he carefully kissed my forehead and before I dropped back down to his chest. In a way they did thousands of times before we linked our finger and he carelessly ran his thumb over my pale skin as I felt myself dozing back to sleep.

Harry´s POV:

My eyes slowly opened, only to realize her small body all over mine. Our finger were still interlocked, but her laid relaxed in mine since her muscles had given in the sleep, which came over us.

Carefully I stroked over her hair, but she remained still, only her chest telling me that she was alive. I should have told her.

Lying to her made me kind of sick since she was the only person, who was as close to me like no one else.

I could nearly feel the blue, velvety material of the small box between my finger. How many times did I had turned it around, staring at it and fighting myself.

Should I do it? Leave, just get up and see her? My mind had imagined her facial expression so many times, I couldn´t even counted them anymore.

Would she hate me? Cry? Or fall around my neg, kissing me all over the face? Slapping me? So many different reactions, but I had been to afraid to tell her. No, better said to ask her.

She let out a faint happy sound and my heart beat faster of the noise.

What was wrong with me? Does love feels to everybody else the same way it did to me right now? The questions made my head get tired again and I felt my muscles already relaxing as my body became over with sleep.

The blue box the last thing I saw before I drifted back to sleep, laying in my drawer untouched and unnoticed.

Notes