The new start
Chapter sixty-one, "Listen to your heart"
As I lay on the bed the thoughts attacked me one by one. They dug into my head and surrounded my brain´s every corner. Well, pretty much what they always do when I am alone. Only this time I did not try to push them away, instead I welcomed them. I tried to figure them out and find that clear sight straight to my heart. But it wasn´t easy, all this time I had just pushed, pushed, pushed them away and now that I finally welcomed them there were a million of them. I tried to focus on the thoughts and questions about people, take one person at a time, figure out what he or she meant to me. For starters there was Chloe. I pictured her in front of me, tried to figure out what I felt when I saw her. But it was nothing, just a blurry mix of feelings. I sighed, why had I pushed all these thoughts away? Why did I always run away from problems? That wasn´t a solution. It was just ignoring it and someday knowing that they would catch up with you. That someday is today and I had to figure out what I want in my life otherwise I would just walk around listening to other people´s opinions like I had done with Summer´s.
“Come on, Amy.” I whispered for myself before I berried myself in the thoughts again. I pictured Chloe again and this time I felt love. I already knew that I loved her as a friend. But was that enough? Was that enough to forgive her for what she had done? Probably, but then was that enough to go back to how things used to be? Or what do I even mean with how things used to be? We don´t really have “as they used to be” because we haven´t known each other for that long. So that leads to another of my problems I don´t know her well enough to figure out if what she has done and what she has said was all acting. Because if it was I sure as hell don´t want to forgive her and not forget it either for that matter. But then again is forgetting really an option? I mean do you ever forget someone´s mistakes or do you just look a bow them? Look at all the great qualities instead? Because all people make mistakes and no one is perfect and I know that. I have made mistakes, dad have made mistakes, the president have made mistakes, it´s in our nature and I guess that is what makes us human. Without any mistakes how are we supposed to learn new things? Is there any line that can to be drawn when it comes to mistakes? And is Chloe´s mistake really worse than mine? Probably not, but it´s hard to forgive. It´s a great quality to forgive, I know that, but what I don´t know is if I have it in me. If I have it in me to look at Chloe the same way as before I knew. God, this is really confusing. I guess the only thing that can decide is my heart. Let´s just skip Chloe for a moment and go to Niall instead, I thought, happy by just thinking of it. Niall always gave me that feeling, that happiness in my body. But then again like Niall had said before Summer had been right with what she said in that room, the horror room. I mean me and Niall don´t know each other that good either and even with our good connection we really hadn´t been together for real. I mean it had just been chaos every time we had been together, what if we got bored being just in the normal life? But after all just the thought of breaking up with Niall made shivers go throw my body. There was only one way of finding out the question before and that way was trying. Without Niall I just wasn´t myself, I felt whole when I was with him. I slowly tried to go back to Chloe now that I had figured out that Niall was someone I really needed in my life when only one question was in my head. A question that bothered me a lot and made me feel kind of guilty. A question I had to know the answer to if I was going to judge Zayn and Chloe in the right way. I hurried up on my feet, forgotten about the pain. Then it felt like I got an electroshock. Kind of harsh way of being reminded, I thought and fell down on my bed again. I waited for a second to see if my headache would cool down which it clearly didn´t. But I was stubborn now, this was too important to give up on. I tried again, this time a lot more careful and suddenly I sat in the black wheelchair. I rolled the wheels as fast as I could, tried to ignore my throbbing head. When I got out in the hallway I saw what I was looking for. There in the corner Zayn was sitting.
“Hi,” I said when I was standing in front of him. He looked up and I saw that his eyes were bloodshot, it looked like he had been crying and it was all my fault. I mean what if he really hadn´t raped Chloe? What if it was all acting from Chloe? I didn´t want to be a girl who judge without knowing but obviously that is who I am and it freaked me out. I looked down at him a suddenly I saw how small he looked, could this guy really have raped her? This sweet little guy? When he didn´t answer I continued.
“Well, I get why you don´t want to talk to me but I just… I was lying on my bed, thinking about my life. I know it sounds stupid but I kind of tried to figure out what I need in my life to be happy you know.” I said and he nodded like he understood.
“That is not stupid.” He whispered and I drew my hand throw my hair, just because I had no idea what else to do with it.
“Well anyway, I realized I didn´t even give you a change to explain that night with Chloe. I just assumed that you tried to rape her and I want you to know that it´s not who I really am, or at least not who I want to be. I feel very guilty about this and I just if you just would give you your side of the story maybe I can fix it. I just want…” I started but no more words left my mouth, now all I could do was cry. The familiar salty taste was back in my mouth as I tried to stop crying. Zayn just stared at me with his beautiful eyes but I knew he also was in pain. I knew he also was sad about that moment, I just knew it.
“What did Chloe say?” He asked and I tried to remember. Most of the things that had happened that night was blurry and filled with Summer but I knew I had asked her to explain. But she hadn´t finished and I hadn´t asked her again. I sighed as more guilt filled my stomach.
“She just said a few things like she wasn´t ready or something and you had kept going.” I said when I had summoned my memories.
“That is not what happened or maybe she wasn´t ready but she didn´t tell me.” He said and I looked at him with an encouraging look so that he would go on. When he didn´t get it I started talking again.
“Tell me what happened in your eyes.” I said and he nodded.
“Well we started kissing and it got more and more intense then suddenly she dragged me into that broom closet. Then when we had kept going for a while she like stopped, I think it was her first time to you know like… have like…” He started.
“Sex,” I said like it was nothing and he blushed and looked away, very embarrassed. That convinced me even more that he didn´t rape her. I mean come on, the guy can´t even say sex without blushing!
“Yeah and well she said something like she wanted to take it slower. But it´s hard you know to take it slow when you are that… you know… turned on. So when I continued in the same speed she started talking about her mom and I got upset. I mean that girl clearly doesn´t have any respect for her mom. I like didn´t want to listen so I got more and more concentrated at the sex. The next thing I know is you standing in front of me telling me that you won´t call the cops if it doesn´t happen again.” He said and now he was crying too. The brown eyes left small, small drops that were falling down his cheeks until they disappeared into his mouth. I couldn´t believe how much this guy cared for his mum, it was kind of touching. Not that it was any excuse because what he had done was horrible but still, it was understandable. Maybe I wouldn´t have handled it in the same way but people are different and this guy right in front of me was also aloud to make mistakes. Just like Chloe was and suddenly I knew what to do. I knew who to forgive and I knew who I needed in my life. Not only that, I knew that I wanted to be a better person and I knew what to start with to make that happened. But one thing at a time, first I needed to tell every one of my friends and family to come and meet up with me. Because at this moment the only thing I can do is to listen to my heart and this is what my heart tells me to do. I am sure of it.
“Come on, Amy.” I whispered for myself before I berried myself in the thoughts again. I pictured Chloe again and this time I felt love. I already knew that I loved her as a friend. But was that enough? Was that enough to forgive her for what she had done? Probably, but then was that enough to go back to how things used to be? Or what do I even mean with how things used to be? We don´t really have “as they used to be” because we haven´t known each other for that long. So that leads to another of my problems I don´t know her well enough to figure out if what she has done and what she has said was all acting. Because if it was I sure as hell don´t want to forgive her and not forget it either for that matter. But then again is forgetting really an option? I mean do you ever forget someone´s mistakes or do you just look a bow them? Look at all the great qualities instead? Because all people make mistakes and no one is perfect and I know that. I have made mistakes, dad have made mistakes, the president have made mistakes, it´s in our nature and I guess that is what makes us human. Without any mistakes how are we supposed to learn new things? Is there any line that can to be drawn when it comes to mistakes? And is Chloe´s mistake really worse than mine? Probably not, but it´s hard to forgive. It´s a great quality to forgive, I know that, but what I don´t know is if I have it in me. If I have it in me to look at Chloe the same way as before I knew. God, this is really confusing. I guess the only thing that can decide is my heart. Let´s just skip Chloe for a moment and go to Niall instead, I thought, happy by just thinking of it. Niall always gave me that feeling, that happiness in my body. But then again like Niall had said before Summer had been right with what she said in that room, the horror room. I mean me and Niall don´t know each other that good either and even with our good connection we really hadn´t been together for real. I mean it had just been chaos every time we had been together, what if we got bored being just in the normal life? But after all just the thought of breaking up with Niall made shivers go throw my body. There was only one way of finding out the question before and that way was trying. Without Niall I just wasn´t myself, I felt whole when I was with him. I slowly tried to go back to Chloe now that I had figured out that Niall was someone I really needed in my life when only one question was in my head. A question that bothered me a lot and made me feel kind of guilty. A question I had to know the answer to if I was going to judge Zayn and Chloe in the right way. I hurried up on my feet, forgotten about the pain. Then it felt like I got an electroshock. Kind of harsh way of being reminded, I thought and fell down on my bed again. I waited for a second to see if my headache would cool down which it clearly didn´t. But I was stubborn now, this was too important to give up on. I tried again, this time a lot more careful and suddenly I sat in the black wheelchair. I rolled the wheels as fast as I could, tried to ignore my throbbing head. When I got out in the hallway I saw what I was looking for. There in the corner Zayn was sitting.
“Hi,” I said when I was standing in front of him. He looked up and I saw that his eyes were bloodshot, it looked like he had been crying and it was all my fault. I mean what if he really hadn´t raped Chloe? What if it was all acting from Chloe? I didn´t want to be a girl who judge without knowing but obviously that is who I am and it freaked me out. I looked down at him a suddenly I saw how small he looked, could this guy really have raped her? This sweet little guy? When he didn´t answer I continued.
“Well, I get why you don´t want to talk to me but I just… I was lying on my bed, thinking about my life. I know it sounds stupid but I kind of tried to figure out what I need in my life to be happy you know.” I said and he nodded like he understood.
“That is not stupid.” He whispered and I drew my hand throw my hair, just because I had no idea what else to do with it.
“Well anyway, I realized I didn´t even give you a change to explain that night with Chloe. I just assumed that you tried to rape her and I want you to know that it´s not who I really am, or at least not who I want to be. I feel very guilty about this and I just if you just would give you your side of the story maybe I can fix it. I just want…” I started but no more words left my mouth, now all I could do was cry. The familiar salty taste was back in my mouth as I tried to stop crying. Zayn just stared at me with his beautiful eyes but I knew he also was in pain. I knew he also was sad about that moment, I just knew it.
“What did Chloe say?” He asked and I tried to remember. Most of the things that had happened that night was blurry and filled with Summer but I knew I had asked her to explain. But she hadn´t finished and I hadn´t asked her again. I sighed as more guilt filled my stomach.
“She just said a few things like she wasn´t ready or something and you had kept going.” I said when I had summoned my memories.
“That is not what happened or maybe she wasn´t ready but she didn´t tell me.” He said and I looked at him with an encouraging look so that he would go on. When he didn´t get it I started talking again.
“Tell me what happened in your eyes.” I said and he nodded.
“Well we started kissing and it got more and more intense then suddenly she dragged me into that broom closet. Then when we had kept going for a while she like stopped, I think it was her first time to you know like… have like…” He started.
“Sex,” I said like it was nothing and he blushed and looked away, very embarrassed. That convinced me even more that he didn´t rape her. I mean come on, the guy can´t even say sex without blushing!
“Yeah and well she said something like she wanted to take it slower. But it´s hard you know to take it slow when you are that… you know… turned on. So when I continued in the same speed she started talking about her mom and I got upset. I mean that girl clearly doesn´t have any respect for her mom. I like didn´t want to listen so I got more and more concentrated at the sex. The next thing I know is you standing in front of me telling me that you won´t call the cops if it doesn´t happen again.” He said and now he was crying too. The brown eyes left small, small drops that were falling down his cheeks until they disappeared into his mouth. I couldn´t believe how much this guy cared for his mum, it was kind of touching. Not that it was any excuse because what he had done was horrible but still, it was understandable. Maybe I wouldn´t have handled it in the same way but people are different and this guy right in front of me was also aloud to make mistakes. Just like Chloe was and suddenly I knew what to do. I knew who to forgive and I knew who I needed in my life. Not only that, I knew that I wanted to be a better person and I knew what to start with to make that happened. But one thing at a time, first I needed to tell every one of my friends and family to come and meet up with me. Because at this moment the only thing I can do is to listen to my heart and this is what my heart tells me to do. I am sure of it.
Notes
Hi guys! This is a very, very short chapter and bad to for that matter :/ I am sorry for that but I have such a headache I had to press this chapter out. I really hope you enjoyed it anyway :) Love, EDo you think Amy will forgive Chloe?
What do you think Amy will start by doing now that she has decided to become a better person too?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14