The new start

"What do you mean you helped Summer?" I asked and looked confused into Chloe´s brown eyes. I noticed tears were streaming down her cheeks but she was still beautiful even though she cried. I just wanted to hug her. Try to hug the situation away. But I couldn´t, it was too late. She had already pronounced the six letter that always means trouble and I had to know why. I had to know why she would destroy everything now that I finally saw the light. Now that I finally know that I can be happy.

"I mean what I say. But before I tell you this I want you to know that you are the best friend I have ever had and even if you might never forgive me for this I want you to know that. I want you to know that you helped me a lot even though you might not know it." She said and then she started crying more. I wanted to tell her that everything will be fine, that she is the best friend I have ever had too. But it was impossible, I couldn´t move, I knew that what she was about to say was something really, really bad and even if I didn´t want to hear it I knew I had to. I have learned a lot in my days and one of those things is that you cannot run from the truth. That is why I still was sitting in my wheelchair in front of her. That´s why I kept the burning tears inside. That´s why I tried to smile and look at this in a positive way. Well, I tried to look at it in a positive way but that doesn´t mean I succeed. When I didn´t answer Chloe continued.

"Before you got here my family was really, really poor. We practically had no money and we was about to get kicked out of our small apartment. Then this girl who I know now is Summer came. She told me that you would come here and she asked for a favor. In return she would give us enough money to live on forever. I desperately tried to get my parents to love me so I said yes. I said yes to become your best friend and then break your heart so that you would come back to Summer..." She started but I couldn´t handle more. The words were like knifes that cut my heart every time she said them. I didn´t know if I was mad or sad. I didn´t even know if I was surprised, Summer seems to be behind everything that happens to me. I was so tired of being strong, I was so, so tired of always smiling, always laughing because all I want to do is just lay down on the floor and cry. But now was not the time to cry, no, was the time to be strong. I had to show her that she hadn´t been in my life for long enough to make me cry. To make my weak.

"I am not sure I understand. You are supposed to be kind and caring. What happened? Am I really that dumb?" This might be something that everyone else would scream but I whispered it. It was like the words were for myself. But Chloe didn´t notice that.

"As soon as I got to know you a little better I swear I got out. I swear, Amy. You have to believe me when I say this, you are the most important person in my life." She said while the tears kept streaming down her cheeks. But I didn´t felt sorry for her, for once I didn´t even feel a little sorry for her. I was just glad I could kick someone that false out of my life.

"Oh, you got out, huh?" I asked and now my voice was louder and a lot bitchier.

"Yeah I did, I promise." She said and now I was practically laughing.

"So how come you can afford that apartment and your room?" I asked and a smile grew on my lips.

"I got a little for the few days I actually did and then you know when she was drunk and I was at her place? That´s when I told her I wanted out, she didn´t take it so good and drank a few glasses before she said I would get out if I looked at a video and if I kept playing like I didn´t know her. I guess the video was the one when you almost killed that guy. Then you came and brought me with you, I never saw the video but I told Summer I did. She didn´t remember and then she gave me money and let me go." She said and my smile got smaller and smaller. Like I cared about that story? This didn´t mean she hadn´t betrayed me, because she had done that for sure. But maybe this wasn´t any worse than me shutting her out when she had opened up to me. Then the worst though of them all popped up in my head. What if all she had told me about herself was false?

"Chloe? Does this mean all we had was false? All you told me, all you did for me? The kindness? Was that all acting or was that true?" I asked and now Chloe was holding my hands. I wanted to push her hands away but I didn´t have the energy to. I didn´t even know if I could control them anymore. I swear to god that if they would hit her right now I wouldn´t have any control of it. My hands lived another life than me.

"No it wasn´t. Everything was true but it wasn´t the whole truth. I mean I didn´t tell you that I was so poor before but it´s true that I am adopted. Amy you have to forgive me!" She said and tried to catch my eyes but I looked away. She wasn´t my safe spot anymore. There wasn´t such a thing as a safe spot for me anymore. I wished I would have died. Maybe not everything is my fault but it seems like I am never going to be happy. That I am never going to live in that sparkle that sometimes shows up in my dreams. That sparkle I feel when I am with Niall. I don´t feel it anywhere else, it´s not there anywhere else.

"Amy you have to forgive me." Chloe repeated desperately. But I didn´t answer this time either. I felt like the air was embracing me, killing me slowly. I felt like I was about to suffocate. It felt like it was someone taking over me, my whole body was paralyzed. Then everything started to get blurry. The bench looked like a brown dot and Chloe looked just like a big spot with mixed colors. Maybe my wish was about to come true, maybe I was about to die. I smiled and waited for the loud thud to spread in my ears and then for the pain to come along with the darkness. I closed my eyes and waited, but nothing happened. Soon I opened them again and I saw clear, clearer than ever.

"Amy where are you going?" Chloe screamed after me, but I didn´t listen. I needed to be alone. I knew what I had to do, I had to start learn to trust and love myself before I could throw myself at others. I had to learn what I want in my life to realize if I was going to forgive her. I had to learn what I need in life, do I need Chloe? Do I need her enough to forgive and maybe but just maybe forget what had happened? Because we all make mistakes and this was Chloe´s. Nobody is perfect and that is something I have to accept. But is this to go over the line? Is this someone I want in my life? What if it hadn´t been me who came here? What if it had been someone Chloe didn´t like? Would she still have realized it was wrong? I wasn´t so sure anymore. I continued rolling my wheels until I suddenly knew who to talk to. I suddenly knew someone that knew me better than anyone else. Maybe he could help me get to the bottom with who I really am?

"Dad, wait!" I screamed as I saw the familiar blond hair in front of me. Dad turned around and as soon as he saw me a smile spread on his lips.

"Are you still mad?" He asked when I was sitting in front of him. But I wasn´t here to talk about that. I was here to talk about something else, something much more important.

"I need your advice." I said and ´he nodded, like he understood that I didn´t want to talk about that. He always understand and I was so happy that I actually had a dad like that, well that is if you look away from all the mistakes he has done.

"What´s on your heart?" He asked me and looked at me. God I had missed that look, the eyes filled with love.

"I want you to tell my who I am." I said and he frowned.

"Only you can tell who you are." He said but I shook my head.

"Well, I don´t know. I thought you could help me." I said but he shook his head.

"Honey, not this time. Somewhere inside of you is the answer. Somewhere is the answer of the things you wonder. All the answers to your questions is there. You just need to know how to get to them and you will only do that if you start accept who you are and what you need. That´s a process that can take a long time." He said and I nodded. I didn´t know why I nodded. All I knew was that I had to be alone. I had to figure out what life really is about. What people I need in my life.

"Can you leave?" I asked when he had driven me to my small hospital room. He nodded and the next second he was gone. With a little help from my wheelchair I laid down on the bed. It was weird being alone. It was weird feeling how quiet it was. But it was a good weird.

Notes