The new start
Chapter fifty-nine, "You never know who to trust"
“Niall, is it really you?” I asked and for a moment I forgot everything that had happened with Summer and that I cut him. But just for a moment then everything was back. I had a lot to explain to him or not only to him but to Chloe, the angels, my mum and even if I didn´t want to I had to tell my dad too, eventually.
“Of course it´s me. Who else?” He asked and I smiled. I smiled because finally I was seeing that light again. That little sparkle in the end where everything was great. I knew that there was only some more fighting left until I finally was going to find peace in myself.
“You are alive.” I whispered and without even noticing I had started crying. But this time I enjoyed the salty taste in my mouth because it wasn´t sad tears. It was tears made of pure happiness.
“I really hope that´s tears of joy.” Niall said but I couldn´t answer so I just nodded. Niall rolled over to me and the closer he got the more butterflies started flying in my stomach. When he was so close that I could smell his perfume I couldn´t keep myself from kissing him anymore. I leaned carefully forward until our lips met each other and our tongues were reunited. The minty taste spread in my mouth and my stomach got filled with safety. I didn´t want it to ever end and in that moment I knew for real that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it was weird, I hadn´t known him for a long time but I knew deep inside that we were meant to be. We were soul mates.
“Wow you are excited today.” He said and I laughed.
“Well I just missed you.” I said and smiled. I had almost forgotten how beautiful his eyes were, it was like two emerald blue ambers. Then I saw the scars on his arms. Maybe I was deeply in love with him but could he possible love me back after all that has happened? Could he possible look at me the same way after what he had found out and after what I had done to him? The happiness was gone and I knew we needed to have a chat. Talk things out, but I didn´t want to. I didn´t want to take the risk that maybe he would break up with me. Niall grabbed my arm and looked aghast up on me. I looked down at my hurt arm, it looked ugly.
“What happened to you?” He asked and then I remembered he didn´t see when I cut myself, wanting to die.
“Well, I got a little out of hand after I saw you dead or not dead but almost. I kind of wanted to die with you. Niall without you I have nothing to live for. You are all I have left.” I said and I expected him to hug me and tell me everything would be all right but instead he looked terrified.
“Amy we have only known each other for what two weeks? And you would kill yourself for me. I gotta say it´s kind of weird.” I looked at him and knew he didn´t feel the same way as I did. Maybe he was just like the all other guys, pretending, pretending to love you when they just want to have sex. The thought made shivers go through me.
“Well I don´t know how you feel but I love you and I can´t live without you.” When I said the three words and the eight letters I knew I had always loved him. It was just hard for me to admit it. It was hard for me to admit that finally I cared. What I had felt for Harry hadn´t been love, it had been something else. Something I always had felt. Something I thought had been love but it wasn´t. This was love, the electric blasts you get when you touch the person, that is love. The warmness the spreads in your body when you are close to that person, that is love. The constant feeling that you need that person, that is love. The feeling that you could to anything for that person, that is love. Love can be summed in a few words, love is putting yourself before someone else. I couldn´t do that for Harry or for anyone before him. That was just so I could feel appreciated. But I would do anything for Niall, ANYTHING.
“I love you too but Amy but I don´t want to live knowing that if I die or need some time of you go and kill yourself.” He said and I nodded trying to understand.
“Well I get that…” I said even if I didn´t. “But it wasn´t only because of you were dead. I guess it was also because of the knowledge that I had killed you. That I was capable of killing someone I love that much.” I said and as soon as I said it I knew it was true. Even if I also knew Niall was my one true love I knew that too. I was having a hard time living with it now even if he was alive. The scars on his arms were a constant reminder if I would forget.
“I understand, but l meant what I said then. I am here now and as far as I am concerned I am not going anywhere soon.” He said and leaned forward to give me a kiss. But even if his lips were tempting I didn´t want to leave the subject yet.
“So it really doesn´t matter to you that I cut you like a million times and don´t you care about my past? Don´t you feel different about me now?” I asked afraid about what he would say. But he just shook his head.
“Amy I don´t care about you past and I don´t care about what you did to me because there was nothing else to do. But even if it was a horrible thing that happened in there. Summer proved a big point, we don´t really know each other and I think before we go any further in our relationship we should get to know each other, okay?” He asked and I nodded even if I didn´t care what we did. If I got to be with him everything would be good. No, everything would be better than good everything would be great.
“Now that we agree I would like to take you out to dinner as soon as we get out of this place.” He said and I smiled.
“Is kissing aloud in the place where we are right now?” I asked and ran my hand through his hair.
“Well if it isn´t we can make an exception. “ He said and kissed me. The comfortable warmness spread in my body as his familiar yet unknown tongue explored my mouth until it found mine. It was a new adventure everytime we kissed and before it got interrupted by a nurse I knew that Niall was the best kisser I had ever kissed, in his own way.
“Niall Horan you need to go back to your room and rest.” The nurse said and reluctantly we stopped kissing and Niall drove away. I knew I had to talk to Chloe and the angels but instead I turned around and looked out the window wondering what Summer was doing. Would she be okay? I knew I shouldn´t feel sorry for her after what she have done but I couldn´t help it. Not now that I know why she had done it. Maybe it was wrong of me, maybe not. Maybe I would do something about it, maybe not. Anything could happen in my future. The only thing I knew about my future was that I have to speak to Chloe now and explain. Otherwise I would just wait and wait until I lost her again. I drove slowly forward trying to come up with some good way of saying it. But there was none. I had to tell her the whole truth even if it was painful. I couldn´t make it sound more pretty than it was. That would be wrong and a true friendship is based on honesty. That´s where me and Summer had failed.
“Chloe?” I screamed as I saw the familiar red hair at the end of the hallway. She turned around and as she stood there she looked alone and small, very small. I didn´t understand why I hadn´t told her before. God she is one of the best friends I have ever had. Her eyes looked sad and her skin looked a little grayer than usual but to me she looked just as pretty as always. Her clothes were actually very casual and cozy for once and it made me wonder what had happened. Was she just worried about me or had something else happened? First I thought she would run away as soon as she saw me but she kept standing there staring at me. I rolled carefully over to her like I was walking over to a little kitty, trying not to scare her away. I stopped a few meters up and looked up on her. She definitely didn´t look like she was the best mood but still she was smiling. Her smile made me happy and I was pretty sure I was smiling too.
“Hi,” She said and my smile grew bigger. Hi was a good start.
“Hi Chloe,” I said as I pointed her to sit down on a bench beside me. She sat down and an awkward silence rose up between us. But I didn´t care, I just had to tell her.
“Amy…I,” She said.
“Chloe I know…” I said at the same time as her.
“You go first.” She said and I was too nervous to fight her. I nodded and tried to find a place to focus my eyes on. That´s what I always do when I am nervous. It seems to work every time but this time I couldn´t find a safe place to look at. I had to look at Chloe and when I did that I realized this time she was my safe place. She has always been my safe place. Her eyes had also changed a bit I noticed. They looked sadder and not as happy about life as before. It made me sad too.
“I know our friendship probably never are going to be the same and I also know that I should have told you before about my problems. What I don´t know is why I didn´t, it was not because I didn´t trust you that I know. I guess it was because I was afraid. But I don´t want to be afraid to anymore and I hope you can give me a second chance.” I said and before Chloe had any time to interrupt I continued.
“That is why I will tell you the whole truth now so that if you give me a second chance our new friendship will be built on complete honesty.” This time she nodded for me to go on and it gave me a lot more confidence.
“I have known Summer or maybe you wanna think of her as Rosie for many years. I found out for not long ago that she had slept with my dad and I guess that´s why me and my dad´s friendship broke. Ever since I have felt like both my parents hate me. My life was miserable and I found a shoulder to cry on with her. Here is when I really started to become her friend, or more like her robot. After dad had made her pregnant that time they slept with each other and dumped her. She started to hate men, all men. She started a club with me and made me sleep with every old man in town so that we could tape it and then send them to prison. But I didn´t sleep with them, Harry was the first one. I paid them to make a tape where it looked like I slept with them. Only that a month ago Summer wanted to tape us. She didn´t know about my secret and I refused to do it so I told her I didn´t want to. But she didn´t accept that and neither did the man. It ended up with me hitting him, seeing him sink in the sea. I thought I had killed him, so in panic I ran here wanting to start a new life. But it didn´t work out, my past followed me around. Then something changed everything. The man I thought I had killing had been haunting me and then I saw he was alive. I helped him find his mother and he forgave me. Then I realized how wrong I had been about Summer and I tried to get away from her. But she took Niall and made me cut him. When I thought he was dead I started cutting myself too. That´s how I ended up here.” I said and when I was finished I felt how a big stone had lifted from my stomach. I was also exhausted, I had never spoken that long without any pauses. Chloe just looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“Chloe this is not your fault.” I said but she continued crying.
“I did something horrible.” She said but I just laughed.
“Honey, you did something horrible? I have done a million horrible things and you are the kindest person I know.” I said and hugged her but she didn´t hug me back. Now I really started to get worry.
“I…I helped Summer.”
“Of course it´s me. Who else?” He asked and I smiled. I smiled because finally I was seeing that light again. That little sparkle in the end where everything was great. I knew that there was only some more fighting left until I finally was going to find peace in myself.
“You are alive.” I whispered and without even noticing I had started crying. But this time I enjoyed the salty taste in my mouth because it wasn´t sad tears. It was tears made of pure happiness.
“I really hope that´s tears of joy.” Niall said but I couldn´t answer so I just nodded. Niall rolled over to me and the closer he got the more butterflies started flying in my stomach. When he was so close that I could smell his perfume I couldn´t keep myself from kissing him anymore. I leaned carefully forward until our lips met each other and our tongues were reunited. The minty taste spread in my mouth and my stomach got filled with safety. I didn´t want it to ever end and in that moment I knew for real that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe it was weird, I hadn´t known him for a long time but I knew deep inside that we were meant to be. We were soul mates.
“Wow you are excited today.” He said and I laughed.
“Well I just missed you.” I said and smiled. I had almost forgotten how beautiful his eyes were, it was like two emerald blue ambers. Then I saw the scars on his arms. Maybe I was deeply in love with him but could he possible love me back after all that has happened? Could he possible look at me the same way after what he had found out and after what I had done to him? The happiness was gone and I knew we needed to have a chat. Talk things out, but I didn´t want to. I didn´t want to take the risk that maybe he would break up with me. Niall grabbed my arm and looked aghast up on me. I looked down at my hurt arm, it looked ugly.
“What happened to you?” He asked and then I remembered he didn´t see when I cut myself, wanting to die.
“Well, I got a little out of hand after I saw you dead or not dead but almost. I kind of wanted to die with you. Niall without you I have nothing to live for. You are all I have left.” I said and I expected him to hug me and tell me everything would be all right but instead he looked terrified.
“Amy we have only known each other for what two weeks? And you would kill yourself for me. I gotta say it´s kind of weird.” I looked at him and knew he didn´t feel the same way as I did. Maybe he was just like the all other guys, pretending, pretending to love you when they just want to have sex. The thought made shivers go through me.
“Well I don´t know how you feel but I love you and I can´t live without you.” When I said the three words and the eight letters I knew I had always loved him. It was just hard for me to admit it. It was hard for me to admit that finally I cared. What I had felt for Harry hadn´t been love, it had been something else. Something I always had felt. Something I thought had been love but it wasn´t. This was love, the electric blasts you get when you touch the person, that is love. The warmness the spreads in your body when you are close to that person, that is love. The constant feeling that you need that person, that is love. The feeling that you could to anything for that person, that is love. Love can be summed in a few words, love is putting yourself before someone else. I couldn´t do that for Harry or for anyone before him. That was just so I could feel appreciated. But I would do anything for Niall, ANYTHING.
“I love you too but Amy but I don´t want to live knowing that if I die or need some time of you go and kill yourself.” He said and I nodded trying to understand.
“Well I get that…” I said even if I didn´t. “But it wasn´t only because of you were dead. I guess it was also because of the knowledge that I had killed you. That I was capable of killing someone I love that much.” I said and as soon as I said it I knew it was true. Even if I also knew Niall was my one true love I knew that too. I was having a hard time living with it now even if he was alive. The scars on his arms were a constant reminder if I would forget.
“I understand, but l meant what I said then. I am here now and as far as I am concerned I am not going anywhere soon.” He said and leaned forward to give me a kiss. But even if his lips were tempting I didn´t want to leave the subject yet.
“So it really doesn´t matter to you that I cut you like a million times and don´t you care about my past? Don´t you feel different about me now?” I asked afraid about what he would say. But he just shook his head.
“Amy I don´t care about you past and I don´t care about what you did to me because there was nothing else to do. But even if it was a horrible thing that happened in there. Summer proved a big point, we don´t really know each other and I think before we go any further in our relationship we should get to know each other, okay?” He asked and I nodded even if I didn´t care what we did. If I got to be with him everything would be good. No, everything would be better than good everything would be great.
“Now that we agree I would like to take you out to dinner as soon as we get out of this place.” He said and I smiled.
“Is kissing aloud in the place where we are right now?” I asked and ran my hand through his hair.
“Well if it isn´t we can make an exception. “ He said and kissed me. The comfortable warmness spread in my body as his familiar yet unknown tongue explored my mouth until it found mine. It was a new adventure everytime we kissed and before it got interrupted by a nurse I knew that Niall was the best kisser I had ever kissed, in his own way.
“Niall Horan you need to go back to your room and rest.” The nurse said and reluctantly we stopped kissing and Niall drove away. I knew I had to talk to Chloe and the angels but instead I turned around and looked out the window wondering what Summer was doing. Would she be okay? I knew I shouldn´t feel sorry for her after what she have done but I couldn´t help it. Not now that I know why she had done it. Maybe it was wrong of me, maybe not. Maybe I would do something about it, maybe not. Anything could happen in my future. The only thing I knew about my future was that I have to speak to Chloe now and explain. Otherwise I would just wait and wait until I lost her again. I drove slowly forward trying to come up with some good way of saying it. But there was none. I had to tell her the whole truth even if it was painful. I couldn´t make it sound more pretty than it was. That would be wrong and a true friendship is based on honesty. That´s where me and Summer had failed.
“Chloe?” I screamed as I saw the familiar red hair at the end of the hallway. She turned around and as she stood there she looked alone and small, very small. I didn´t understand why I hadn´t told her before. God she is one of the best friends I have ever had. Her eyes looked sad and her skin looked a little grayer than usual but to me she looked just as pretty as always. Her clothes were actually very casual and cozy for once and it made me wonder what had happened. Was she just worried about me or had something else happened? First I thought she would run away as soon as she saw me but she kept standing there staring at me. I rolled carefully over to her like I was walking over to a little kitty, trying not to scare her away. I stopped a few meters up and looked up on her. She definitely didn´t look like she was the best mood but still she was smiling. Her smile made me happy and I was pretty sure I was smiling too.
“Hi,” She said and my smile grew bigger. Hi was a good start.
“Hi Chloe,” I said as I pointed her to sit down on a bench beside me. She sat down and an awkward silence rose up between us. But I didn´t care, I just had to tell her.
“Amy…I,” She said.
“Chloe I know…” I said at the same time as her.
“You go first.” She said and I was too nervous to fight her. I nodded and tried to find a place to focus my eyes on. That´s what I always do when I am nervous. It seems to work every time but this time I couldn´t find a safe place to look at. I had to look at Chloe and when I did that I realized this time she was my safe place. She has always been my safe place. Her eyes had also changed a bit I noticed. They looked sadder and not as happy about life as before. It made me sad too.
“I know our friendship probably never are going to be the same and I also know that I should have told you before about my problems. What I don´t know is why I didn´t, it was not because I didn´t trust you that I know. I guess it was because I was afraid. But I don´t want to be afraid to anymore and I hope you can give me a second chance.” I said and before Chloe had any time to interrupt I continued.
“That is why I will tell you the whole truth now so that if you give me a second chance our new friendship will be built on complete honesty.” This time she nodded for me to go on and it gave me a lot more confidence.
“I have known Summer or maybe you wanna think of her as Rosie for many years. I found out for not long ago that she had slept with my dad and I guess that´s why me and my dad´s friendship broke. Ever since I have felt like both my parents hate me. My life was miserable and I found a shoulder to cry on with her. Here is when I really started to become her friend, or more like her robot. After dad had made her pregnant that time they slept with each other and dumped her. She started to hate men, all men. She started a club with me and made me sleep with every old man in town so that we could tape it and then send them to prison. But I didn´t sleep with them, Harry was the first one. I paid them to make a tape where it looked like I slept with them. Only that a month ago Summer wanted to tape us. She didn´t know about my secret and I refused to do it so I told her I didn´t want to. But she didn´t accept that and neither did the man. It ended up with me hitting him, seeing him sink in the sea. I thought I had killed him, so in panic I ran here wanting to start a new life. But it didn´t work out, my past followed me around. Then something changed everything. The man I thought I had killing had been haunting me and then I saw he was alive. I helped him find his mother and he forgave me. Then I realized how wrong I had been about Summer and I tried to get away from her. But she took Niall and made me cut him. When I thought he was dead I started cutting myself too. That´s how I ended up here.” I said and when I was finished I felt how a big stone had lifted from my stomach. I was also exhausted, I had never spoken that long without any pauses. Chloe just looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“Chloe this is not your fault.” I said but she continued crying.
“I did something horrible.” She said but I just laughed.
“Honey, you did something horrible? I have done a million horrible things and you are the kindest person I know.” I said and hugged her but she didn´t hug me back. Now I really started to get worry.
“I…I helped Summer.”
Notes
Hi guys! Sorry for the low updating this week :( But like I said before I was on a trip so don´t blame me xD Well hope you liked this chapter/ kisses EWhat do you think Chloe meant with her last sentence?
Do you think this will affect Amy´s look on Chloe?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14