The new start
Chapter fifty-one, "A rapist?"
"Amy how are you?" Logan asked but I wasn´t going to answer him. I was focusing on the monster inside of me, waiting for it to take over my whole body, for the hate to fill up everyone of my cells. Because that´s all I had left, hate. I had nothing left to live for. The two persons that had actually cared for me was gone because of me and the rest of the persons in my life was false and disgusting. What dad sleeps with his daughter’s best friend? I shuddered and I didn´t even want to think of my mum. Why hadn´t she told me? But I wasn´t surprised she is so pathetic and shy, such a coward. But even if she is a coward I felt sorry for her. It must have been so hard for her to have a cheating husband and a daughter that hates her.
"Amy?" Logan asked again and I looked up into his brown worried eyes. They looked so worried that I didn´t dare to ignore him again.
"I am fine, it´s just so weird, you know." I said and tried to sound as happy as possible. But the truth was that I wanted to scream at him, take out all my anger, all my hate on him. I wanted to just escape, run away and never come back. But that didn´t work so good last time so I sat on my chair, like I was glued to it. I didn´t dare to move a bone. I was scared that if I did I would fall, fall down from the chair, fall down into the ground and there I would lay forever. But maybe that was for the best, because I didn´t have anything left to live for. I had destroyed my relationships with Chloe and Niall and I had picked the wrong people so the truth might be that I deserved this. I deserved to be alone with no one there who cares about me. Because I had to learn that my actions actually hurt people. What I say, what I do, it breaks something inside of the people I say and do it to. Just like this was the last drop for me, for me to become my worst self.
"Yeah I know." He said and I looked at him with only doubt in my eyes. Because he didn´t know, he didn´t know how it feels to feel like everything is your fault, that you dad is a jerk, that you have murdered someone, that you mum hates you, that you have pushed everyone away. I smiled to Logan but it was my fakest smile ever. It beat every one of my fake smiles before because this time I was everything but happy. When I looked up the waitress was standing there with two plates in her hands.
"Here you go." The waitress said and gave us our plates. The green eyes didn´t look so kind anymore, they looked fake. Just like everything else in here, the romantic couple, fake, the Italian theme, fake, the sweet waitresses, fake. Because there are no such thing as romantic couple and they got to see the difference about Italy and England and the waitresses they just don´t fit in here. They are innocent people that just works on the wrong place, the fake place. I looked down on the huge plate with spaghetti and all kinds of meat and suddenly it felt disgusting. I wasn´t hungry anymore, just tired, my stomach didn´t scream for food, just love and my head wasn´t seeing the light, just the darkness.
"This looks delicious." Logan said and gave me an encouraging smile before he started eating. I smiled and nodded but just the sight of him eating made me want to throw up.
"I have to go to the ladies room." I said and disappeared before he had time protest. When I got to the toilet, I locked the door and sank down on the floor where started crying. What am I doing wrong all the time? What is it that makes people want to disappear or betray me? I looked at myself in the mirror but I didn´t hit it this time. No I pressed down the anger and smiled my best smile to the mirror. Then I tried to speak with my regular voice.
"Hi, I am Amy Brown and I like..." I started but my voice let me down. All I saw when I looked into the mirror was a sad girl, a sad normal girl. But what I was feeling wasn´t normal for a sixteen years old teenager. It was everything but normal. Normal was happy and filled with joy and I was unhappy and filled with hate. When I was thinking of taking the back way out the phone started ringing and interrupted my thoughts. I didn´t look who it was, I just answered with my happiest voice.
"Hi, it´s Amy." I said and when I heard the breathing on the other side I knew who it was, Summer. The bitch.
"Hi honey, it´s Summer." She said and I felt how I was about to vomit. How couldn´t I have heard earlier how false she sound? She was just a big fat disgusting false baby with giant ears. Even if none of that was true I was feeling a bit better.
"Oh hello darling, how are you?" I said with the most extreme voice I could manage. Just to see how she would react. But Summer pretended like she hadn´t heard any difference.
"Great, I was just calling to see if you were fine." She said and I shook my head. I am not fine. I am everything but fine.
"Yeah totally." I said but I knew she didn´t just call me because of that reason. Summer always called because she needed something, not because she was worried.
"Great, Amy why didn´t you just tell me you were with Logan?" She asked and thrill of nervousness went through my body.
"I didn´t think you wanted to know." I said but even I could hear what a lie that was.
"Well, I did. But I mean it´s great that he is alive isn´t it?" She said with so much irony in her voice that I wanted to throw the phone on the ground and crush it with my feet a thousand times.
"Yeah, but don´t tell me you didn´t know about it, because that´s just bullshit." I said before I could regret it.
"Amy, don´t say it like that. I didn´t tell you because I thought that was best for you and for him, because I wanted both of you to live a normal life, apart." She said but I was shaking because of how angry I was.
"A normal life? I have lived everything but a normal life." I screamed and I could almost hear how Summer rolled her eyes.
"Amy I am sorry. Why don´t we just put this behind us, okay? And you can come back." She said but I didn´t care what she said anymore because she is an idiot.
"Yeah, do you want us to put that you had sex with my father behind us too, or what?" I screamed and the tears started pouring again. Maybe I would drown because of how much I cried but didn´t care. I have heard that drowning actually is one of the best ways of killing yourself. Not so much pain.
"Look Amy, I didn´t mean to... he raped me." She said but I didn´t listen.
"My dad would never rape you." I said but I felt a little sting of wonder in my stomach.
"You don´t know your dad that well Amy." She said and now I was really nervous, I didn´t hear any falseness in her voice.
"You are lying." I said and before she said anything else I hung up. I wanted to call my dad, hear him say that she was lying. But I didn´t have the courage, what if it wasn´t a lie? What if he really had raped her? No, Amy don´t let her get into your head, just ignore it. The voice that always right was back but it wasn´t alone somewhere inside of me another voice was talking, a voice that said that she didn´t lie. I shuddered, I had to go back inside. Logan was still sitting on the same spot and he had almost eaten everything on his plate, mine was still untouched. But I didn´t care, I had to get out of this false place.
"Hey Logan, let´s go." I said and Logan looked surprised at me.
“But you haven´t even touched your dish." He said but I didn´t answer. My mind was set on the door. Just when I was about to reach it the waitress where standing in front of me. Shit, how could I forget to pay?
"Where do you think you are going?" She asked and her green eyes shifted in a grey color. I guess they only are kind when you are going to pay them. With shaking hands I picked up my wallet and took out 20 £ and gave it to her.
"Keep the change." I said before I hurried out with Logan right behind me. When I got out I breathed in the cold air and it was as my brain finally worked again. I leaned against the cold wall and took deep breaths.
"Let´s go and find your mum." I said and Logan kept staring at me.
"Amy what happened in there? I thought you were hungry." He said but I shook my head.
"Nothing, just drive." I said when we jumped into the car and Logan did what I told him. The car started driving out from the restaurant and soon the idea of my dad being a rapist was just a memory. Because of course he couldn´t be one, or could he?
"Amy?" Logan asked again and I looked up into his brown worried eyes. They looked so worried that I didn´t dare to ignore him again.
"I am fine, it´s just so weird, you know." I said and tried to sound as happy as possible. But the truth was that I wanted to scream at him, take out all my anger, all my hate on him. I wanted to just escape, run away and never come back. But that didn´t work so good last time so I sat on my chair, like I was glued to it. I didn´t dare to move a bone. I was scared that if I did I would fall, fall down from the chair, fall down into the ground and there I would lay forever. But maybe that was for the best, because I didn´t have anything left to live for. I had destroyed my relationships with Chloe and Niall and I had picked the wrong people so the truth might be that I deserved this. I deserved to be alone with no one there who cares about me. Because I had to learn that my actions actually hurt people. What I say, what I do, it breaks something inside of the people I say and do it to. Just like this was the last drop for me, for me to become my worst self.
"Yeah I know." He said and I looked at him with only doubt in my eyes. Because he didn´t know, he didn´t know how it feels to feel like everything is your fault, that you dad is a jerk, that you have murdered someone, that you mum hates you, that you have pushed everyone away. I smiled to Logan but it was my fakest smile ever. It beat every one of my fake smiles before because this time I was everything but happy. When I looked up the waitress was standing there with two plates in her hands.
"Here you go." The waitress said and gave us our plates. The green eyes didn´t look so kind anymore, they looked fake. Just like everything else in here, the romantic couple, fake, the Italian theme, fake, the sweet waitresses, fake. Because there are no such thing as romantic couple and they got to see the difference about Italy and England and the waitresses they just don´t fit in here. They are innocent people that just works on the wrong place, the fake place. I looked down on the huge plate with spaghetti and all kinds of meat and suddenly it felt disgusting. I wasn´t hungry anymore, just tired, my stomach didn´t scream for food, just love and my head wasn´t seeing the light, just the darkness.
"This looks delicious." Logan said and gave me an encouraging smile before he started eating. I smiled and nodded but just the sight of him eating made me want to throw up.
"I have to go to the ladies room." I said and disappeared before he had time protest. When I got to the toilet, I locked the door and sank down on the floor where started crying. What am I doing wrong all the time? What is it that makes people want to disappear or betray me? I looked at myself in the mirror but I didn´t hit it this time. No I pressed down the anger and smiled my best smile to the mirror. Then I tried to speak with my regular voice.
"Hi, I am Amy Brown and I like..." I started but my voice let me down. All I saw when I looked into the mirror was a sad girl, a sad normal girl. But what I was feeling wasn´t normal for a sixteen years old teenager. It was everything but normal. Normal was happy and filled with joy and I was unhappy and filled with hate. When I was thinking of taking the back way out the phone started ringing and interrupted my thoughts. I didn´t look who it was, I just answered with my happiest voice.
"Hi, it´s Amy." I said and when I heard the breathing on the other side I knew who it was, Summer. The bitch.
"Hi honey, it´s Summer." She said and I felt how I was about to vomit. How couldn´t I have heard earlier how false she sound? She was just a big fat disgusting false baby with giant ears. Even if none of that was true I was feeling a bit better.
"Oh hello darling, how are you?" I said with the most extreme voice I could manage. Just to see how she would react. But Summer pretended like she hadn´t heard any difference.
"Great, I was just calling to see if you were fine." She said and I shook my head. I am not fine. I am everything but fine.
"Yeah totally." I said but I knew she didn´t just call me because of that reason. Summer always called because she needed something, not because she was worried.
"Great, Amy why didn´t you just tell me you were with Logan?" She asked and thrill of nervousness went through my body.
"I didn´t think you wanted to know." I said but even I could hear what a lie that was.
"Well, I did. But I mean it´s great that he is alive isn´t it?" She said with so much irony in her voice that I wanted to throw the phone on the ground and crush it with my feet a thousand times.
"Yeah, but don´t tell me you didn´t know about it, because that´s just bullshit." I said before I could regret it.
"Amy, don´t say it like that. I didn´t tell you because I thought that was best for you and for him, because I wanted both of you to live a normal life, apart." She said but I was shaking because of how angry I was.
"A normal life? I have lived everything but a normal life." I screamed and I could almost hear how Summer rolled her eyes.
"Amy I am sorry. Why don´t we just put this behind us, okay? And you can come back." She said but I didn´t care what she said anymore because she is an idiot.
"Yeah, do you want us to put that you had sex with my father behind us too, or what?" I screamed and the tears started pouring again. Maybe I would drown because of how much I cried but didn´t care. I have heard that drowning actually is one of the best ways of killing yourself. Not so much pain.
"Look Amy, I didn´t mean to... he raped me." She said but I didn´t listen.
"My dad would never rape you." I said but I felt a little sting of wonder in my stomach.
"You don´t know your dad that well Amy." She said and now I was really nervous, I didn´t hear any falseness in her voice.
"You are lying." I said and before she said anything else I hung up. I wanted to call my dad, hear him say that she was lying. But I didn´t have the courage, what if it wasn´t a lie? What if he really had raped her? No, Amy don´t let her get into your head, just ignore it. The voice that always right was back but it wasn´t alone somewhere inside of me another voice was talking, a voice that said that she didn´t lie. I shuddered, I had to go back inside. Logan was still sitting on the same spot and he had almost eaten everything on his plate, mine was still untouched. But I didn´t care, I had to get out of this false place.
"Hey Logan, let´s go." I said and Logan looked surprised at me.
“But you haven´t even touched your dish." He said but I didn´t answer. My mind was set on the door. Just when I was about to reach it the waitress where standing in front of me. Shit, how could I forget to pay?
"Where do you think you are going?" She asked and her green eyes shifted in a grey color. I guess they only are kind when you are going to pay them. With shaking hands I picked up my wallet and took out 20 £ and gave it to her.
"Keep the change." I said before I hurried out with Logan right behind me. When I got out I breathed in the cold air and it was as my brain finally worked again. I leaned against the cold wall and took deep breaths.
"Let´s go and find your mum." I said and Logan kept staring at me.
"Amy what happened in there? I thought you were hungry." He said but I shook my head.
"Nothing, just drive." I said when we jumped into the car and Logan did what I told him. The car started driving out from the restaurant and soon the idea of my dad being a rapist was just a memory. Because of course he couldn´t be one, or could he?
Notes
Hi guys! Here you go, the Thursday chapter! Kinda short but hope you liked it anyway/ kisses EDo you think Summer is lying or do you think she actually tells the truth?
Do you think Amy will go back to being Summer´s robot or that she actually will stop listening to Summer?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14