The new start
Chapter forty-nine, "No pain doesn´t mean that you are happy"
After standing outside the toilets for a while I started carefully walking towards my room. I don´t think it was so healthy to be this sad when people are watching. I need privacy. It felt like I had a big hole in my heart. A hole that had been filled with Niall´s love but now was empty. Like someone had crossed it a thousand times and then left it, or that was actually what had happened. Of course it was my fault too, no, not too, it was all my fault. It was me that hadn´t said the words, the three words and the eight letters. It was me that hadn´t dared while he had put himself out there and I had just stood there like a fool. The whole scene played up in my head and the tears started to flow inside of me, and it was like it had no end. Like that little sparkle I had seen before was gone and there was nothing but darkness left. Like the only thing that was in front of me was darkness. I shuddered, and realized that I had reached the door to my room. The room looked exactly like when I had left it, empty and boring. Just like my inside. I looked myself in the mirror and I flinched because I looked so ugly, I looked like a monster. The blond hair sprawled in all directions and my normally beautiful blue eyes shifted in grey colors and looked lost. Like that wasn´t enough big black circles had formed under my eyes, the makeup was all over my face and the few tears that had left my eyes had left tiger stripes. I looked away as fast as I could but my eyes got stuck on the reflecting. Why would anyone want me? I couldn´t keep the question out of my mind and it repeated itself, wanted me to go crazy. I tried to come up with answers but there was none, I wasn´t pretty, I wasn´t kind and I was for god sake not sweet and caring to anyone. I had treated everyone like crap and here I was feeling sorry for myself but this was all my fault. I deserved this, I deserved to be left alone.
"Who do you think you are?" I screamed and hit the mirror as hard as I could. I saw the mirror break, I saw all the pieces fell to the ground, I saw how the blood ran from my hand and colored the ground red. I saw it, but I didn´t feel it. I didn´t feel the pain in my hand, I didn´t feel the pain in my arm, I didn´t even feel the pain in my heart anymore. Is this how it feels to die? I asked myself before I fell and landed on the bed. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for death.
"Amy?" I heard someone scream, was it god? Was he going to show me the way to hell? I slowly opened my eyes and the ones I looked into wasn´t gods. It was Louis´s blue diamonds and they looked worried. I looked around in the room where the pieces of glass and blood were all over the floor. Please take me away, I thought before I tried to answer Louis. But my tongue was stuck so instead I left my mouth opened without saying anything.
"Amy, what are you doing?" The voice got more real and something woke up inside me. I met his eyes again and then I felt his strong arms around me. But the warmness didn´t make it to my heart. My heart was isolated from everything that has with love to do. I gave him a sad smile which made him hug me even harder.
"I just..." I whispered but couldn´t complete my sentence. There was not enough air in my lungs, there was not enough energy in my body and there was not an ending to the sentence. I had no idea, and it scared me. I had no idea why I had hit the mirror and I had no idea why I hadn´t felt the pain. It was just a big fat question mark printed all over it.
"That must hurt. Let´s get you some bandage." Louis said and his caring eyes didn´t leave me. I didn´t deserve this, why is he here? I don´t deserve him. I shook my head and gave him another sad smile.
"Why are you here? You hate me. Everyone hates me." I said and Louis squeezed my hand.
"We don´t hate you. I don´t hate you. I just felt like you betrayed me and it hurt. It´s a totally different thing." He said and I shook my head again.
"No you hate me. You just feel sorry for me, but I am fine. So you can leave." I said but he didn´t stand up and walk out of the door.
"Amy, stop it. I would never hate you, we both did a mistake but no one says we can´t move passed that." He said but I continued shaking my head.
"Louis don´t you get it? You are not supposed to be this kind to me, you are not supposed to sit here and look at me with nice eyes. You are supposed to hate me, because I am evil." I said but Louis didn´t stop squeezing my hand and he didn´t stop look at me with those eyes. The eyes that can see right through you and read all your thoughts. The kind and understanding eyes.
"Amy, sweetheart you are not evil. What do you say about a coffee? We will talk about it." He asked and I collected the enough courage to look into his eyes again. I wanted so badly to say yes, to pretend like everything was fine. But I had to accept the moment and make up for my mistakes.
"Not today, there is something I have to do." I said and Louis nodded understanding. I gave him one last hug before I stood up and looked down on the floor. The blood and the pieces of glass was all over it and there was no way I could pack my bag in this mess.
"I will help you clean up." Louis hurried to say and a grateful smile spread on my lips.
"I will go and get a broom and some paper." I said and Louis nodded. Just when I was about to walk out from the door I turned around.
"And Louis?" I said and he looked up from the floor.
"Yes?" He said.
"Thank you for still being my friend." I said and he smiled. I walked briskly towards the broom closet. When I was walking I saw Liam walk out of his dorm. I saw my chance and hurried after him.
"Hey Liam?" I shouted and he turned around.
"Hello Amy." He said with no expression on his face.
"I want to ask you something." I said and he nodded for me to continue.
"Will you take care of Chloe?" I asked and he looked surprised.
"Of course I will, I really like her." He said and blushed. So sweet, but I wasn´t going to get fooled again, I mean Zayn and turned out to be a total different guy then I had thought from the beginning.
"I hope so because if you break her heart I will break you." I said and he stared surprised at me. But I didn´t feel bad, I had to know that someone was taking care of her, I couldn´t anymore. She didn´t trust me. I waited for the knife to go through my heart when I thought about her but there was nothing. The pain wasn´t there. I tried to ignore the nervousness about it but I couldn´t help but wonder the reason. I shook it off me and walked into the broom closet. I took two brooms and two wipes before I hurried up to the room again. Louis sat on the bed and waited for me.
"Great." He said and I smiled. We started cleaning in silence, but it wasn´t a good silence it was like something hung in the air. When we almost were done Louis broke the silence.
"Amy?" Louis asked and I stopped cleaning.
"The truth is you didn´t do anything bad. I actually want to thank you. Without you Harry would never have told anyone and I didn´t want to push him. I..." He said and I heard a sobbing. I can´t believe it, Louis was crying! I had never seen a guy cry before.
"Louis, are you okay? Why are you crying?" I asked and squeezed his hand.
"I just... I don´t know. I guess I am happy." He sobbed and I started laughing. But when I saw the clock I stopped. I had to be outside in ten minutes.
"Louis I am so sorry but I gotta go and I look like hell, holy crap." I said and got up on my feet as fast as I could. I ripped out my whole closet to see if I could find something to wear, Summer´s dress looked like hell. I choose an outfit as fast as I could and put on some makeup even faster. Louis just stood there with a surprised look.
"Are you leaving?" He asked when I started packing my bag.
"Just for a few days, I will be back before you know it. You know to right my wrongs." I said before I closed my bag. That had to be a record, no one could have done that any faster. I took another look at the watch, I was two minutes late already. I threw the bag up on my shoulder and looked into Louis blue diamonds.
"I am so happy my mistake actually helped you and that you are happy. By the way will you have that coffee with me when I come back?" I asked and he smiled.
"Of course I will, goodbye and good luck." He said and hugged me.
"Goodbye." I whispered and kissed him on his cheek before I hurried down the stairs and out from the school. A cold wind swept through my body and made me stop running. Instead I walked briskly out on the street where I saw a black car parked a few meters away. This is it, I though and took a deep breath before I jumped inside the car. Logan gave me a nervous look and I squeezed his hand. But he pulled my hand away. Maybe it will take a long time before he forgives me, I thought but it didn´t matter. If I finally would forgive myself I could put all my concentration on Niall. I will not lose him, I can´t. When the thought was inside my head I felt a little thrill of happiness. My feelings were back, I pressed my nail into my skin and felt the how pain went through my whole body, it felt so good. I smiled and tried to find a comfortable position on the seat and when I had I said:
“Let´s do this.” and I wasn´t sure if I meant find his mom or if I meant get my life in order.
"Who do you think you are?" I screamed and hit the mirror as hard as I could. I saw the mirror break, I saw all the pieces fell to the ground, I saw how the blood ran from my hand and colored the ground red. I saw it, but I didn´t feel it. I didn´t feel the pain in my hand, I didn´t feel the pain in my arm, I didn´t even feel the pain in my heart anymore. Is this how it feels to die? I asked myself before I fell and landed on the bed. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for death.
"Amy?" I heard someone scream, was it god? Was he going to show me the way to hell? I slowly opened my eyes and the ones I looked into wasn´t gods. It was Louis´s blue diamonds and they looked worried. I looked around in the room where the pieces of glass and blood were all over the floor. Please take me away, I thought before I tried to answer Louis. But my tongue was stuck so instead I left my mouth opened without saying anything.
"Amy, what are you doing?" The voice got more real and something woke up inside me. I met his eyes again and then I felt his strong arms around me. But the warmness didn´t make it to my heart. My heart was isolated from everything that has with love to do. I gave him a sad smile which made him hug me even harder.
"I just..." I whispered but couldn´t complete my sentence. There was not enough air in my lungs, there was not enough energy in my body and there was not an ending to the sentence. I had no idea, and it scared me. I had no idea why I had hit the mirror and I had no idea why I hadn´t felt the pain. It was just a big fat question mark printed all over it.
"That must hurt. Let´s get you some bandage." Louis said and his caring eyes didn´t leave me. I didn´t deserve this, why is he here? I don´t deserve him. I shook my head and gave him another sad smile.
"Why are you here? You hate me. Everyone hates me." I said and Louis squeezed my hand.
"We don´t hate you. I don´t hate you. I just felt like you betrayed me and it hurt. It´s a totally different thing." He said and I shook my head again.
"No you hate me. You just feel sorry for me, but I am fine. So you can leave." I said but he didn´t stand up and walk out of the door.
"Amy, stop it. I would never hate you, we both did a mistake but no one says we can´t move passed that." He said but I continued shaking my head.
"Louis don´t you get it? You are not supposed to be this kind to me, you are not supposed to sit here and look at me with nice eyes. You are supposed to hate me, because I am evil." I said but Louis didn´t stop squeezing my hand and he didn´t stop look at me with those eyes. The eyes that can see right through you and read all your thoughts. The kind and understanding eyes.
"Amy, sweetheart you are not evil. What do you say about a coffee? We will talk about it." He asked and I collected the enough courage to look into his eyes again. I wanted so badly to say yes, to pretend like everything was fine. But I had to accept the moment and make up for my mistakes.
"Not today, there is something I have to do." I said and Louis nodded understanding. I gave him one last hug before I stood up and looked down on the floor. The blood and the pieces of glass was all over it and there was no way I could pack my bag in this mess.
"I will help you clean up." Louis hurried to say and a grateful smile spread on my lips.
"I will go and get a broom and some paper." I said and Louis nodded. Just when I was about to walk out from the door I turned around.
"And Louis?" I said and he looked up from the floor.
"Yes?" He said.
"Thank you for still being my friend." I said and he smiled. I walked briskly towards the broom closet. When I was walking I saw Liam walk out of his dorm. I saw my chance and hurried after him.
"Hey Liam?" I shouted and he turned around.
"Hello Amy." He said with no expression on his face.
"I want to ask you something." I said and he nodded for me to continue.
"Will you take care of Chloe?" I asked and he looked surprised.
"Of course I will, I really like her." He said and blushed. So sweet, but I wasn´t going to get fooled again, I mean Zayn and turned out to be a total different guy then I had thought from the beginning.
"I hope so because if you break her heart I will break you." I said and he stared surprised at me. But I didn´t feel bad, I had to know that someone was taking care of her, I couldn´t anymore. She didn´t trust me. I waited for the knife to go through my heart when I thought about her but there was nothing. The pain wasn´t there. I tried to ignore the nervousness about it but I couldn´t help but wonder the reason. I shook it off me and walked into the broom closet. I took two brooms and two wipes before I hurried up to the room again. Louis sat on the bed and waited for me.
"Great." He said and I smiled. We started cleaning in silence, but it wasn´t a good silence it was like something hung in the air. When we almost were done Louis broke the silence.
"Amy?" Louis asked and I stopped cleaning.
"The truth is you didn´t do anything bad. I actually want to thank you. Without you Harry would never have told anyone and I didn´t want to push him. I..." He said and I heard a sobbing. I can´t believe it, Louis was crying! I had never seen a guy cry before.
"Louis, are you okay? Why are you crying?" I asked and squeezed his hand.
"I just... I don´t know. I guess I am happy." He sobbed and I started laughing. But when I saw the clock I stopped. I had to be outside in ten minutes.
"Louis I am so sorry but I gotta go and I look like hell, holy crap." I said and got up on my feet as fast as I could. I ripped out my whole closet to see if I could find something to wear, Summer´s dress looked like hell. I choose an outfit as fast as I could and put on some makeup even faster. Louis just stood there with a surprised look.
"Are you leaving?" He asked when I started packing my bag.
"Just for a few days, I will be back before you know it. You know to right my wrongs." I said before I closed my bag. That had to be a record, no one could have done that any faster. I took another look at the watch, I was two minutes late already. I threw the bag up on my shoulder and looked into Louis blue diamonds.
"I am so happy my mistake actually helped you and that you are happy. By the way will you have that coffee with me when I come back?" I asked and he smiled.
"Of course I will, goodbye and good luck." He said and hugged me.
"Goodbye." I whispered and kissed him on his cheek before I hurried down the stairs and out from the school. A cold wind swept through my body and made me stop running. Instead I walked briskly out on the street where I saw a black car parked a few meters away. This is it, I though and took a deep breath before I jumped inside the car. Logan gave me a nervous look and I squeezed his hand. But he pulled my hand away. Maybe it will take a long time before he forgives me, I thought but it didn´t matter. If I finally would forgive myself I could put all my concentration on Niall. I will not lose him, I can´t. When the thought was inside my head I felt a little thrill of happiness. My feelings were back, I pressed my nail into my skin and felt the how pain went through my whole body, it felt so good. I smiled and tried to find a comfortable position on the seat and when I had I said:
“Let´s do this.” and I wasn´t sure if I meant find his mom or if I meant get my life in order.
Notes
Hi guys, here you go! The Thursday chapter, I will be back on Saturday or Sunday. :) Hope you like this one/ kisses EDo you think Liam will take care of Chloe?
Do you think they will find Logan´s mum?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14