The new start
Chapter forty-eight, "Lost tears"
I felt happy when I jumped into the car. Not the same happy as when I am with Niall or when I am with Chloe. No, another happy. The happiness you feel when everything is getting on place, when you finally see the light in the ending. I guess that the quote is true, there is always a happy ending, if it´s not happy it´s not the end. Well, it´s not exactly true that I only felt happy when I jumped into the car. No, I hadn´t stopped smiling since I had agreed to help him, I couldn´t. It was like this was the solution to everything, the solution to happiness, love, friendship and the solution for me to forgive myself. Right when he started the car the happiness disappeared, I remembered Summer. She felt so far away now, even if she were so close. It was weird that she just had left me at the party but then again she might have looked everywhere but not found me and decided to go back to school. But that wasn´t the thing that made her seem so far away. I really wondered if she had known about this, if all this time she had known. Because real friends would tell you. I had to talk to her, ask her. But would she be honest? Maybe this was a thing I should keep to myself? Yeah that´s maybe the best. Until I have figured more stuff out. But I still need to go back to school and talk to everyone.
“Hey Logan, can we stop by my school so I can tell everyone I am leaving?” I asked and he nodded but didn´t look away from the street. But that wasn´t so weird, I mean he had just taken his driver license.
“Can you direct me?” He asked and I nodded even if I wasn´t sure. My sense of direction really sucks.
“I think you just turn left here and then you´re pretty much there.” I said and he did what I told him. I was really relieved when he stopped the car outside the school. I had been right on my first try, maybe I am getting better!
“I will be here in half an hour. There is a coffee place nearby if you just follow this street if you want to grab a coffee.” I said and he nodded. He looked really nervous, the brown eyes wandered around and he didn´t seem to be able to keep his arms still.
“It will be fine, we will find your mom.” I said and smiled before I hurried inside. There was a lot of things I needed to do and I wasn´t sure if I was going to make it in half an hour but I couldn´t make him wait any longer. First I needed to go to the principle to ask for permission to leave for a couple of days so I hurried down the many stairs until I got to her door. I knocked carefully and it took a long time before the stubby Mrs. Adams opened.
“Amy, just the one I wanted to see. Come on inside.” She said with a voice that almost sounded like a man. It was crazy how all teachers here know your name. In my other schools the teacher had problem with that. It took them almost two years to learn it. I had been called everything from Angelia to Anna-Beth and my name is pretty simple. I didn´t even want to imagine how it would be if your name was Colette or Gwyneth. The principal’s office was pretty small but very organized. Just like principal’s offices should look like. There were many bookcases filled with Shakespeare and other old and famous writers, in the end of the room a huge desk were standing with pencils in color order and fully organized papers. The only thing that didn´t fit in was a massive painting above the desk. It pictured a cow that was eating grass. It kind of reminded me of my grandmother´s paintings. A twinge of pain went through my body, I really missed my grandmother. Why does always the good ones die? The stubby principle pointed on the chair in front of the desk and I sat down. I had a feeling you didn´t want to mess with this woman.
“So what brings you here, Amy?” She said after she had sat down under the cow painting on a small, small chair. So small that you barely could see it. I wondered how her fat butt could fit on the chair or how the chair didn´t break.
“Well, I need a few days of. I can bring some school work with me but I am going on a trip.” I said and gave her my kindest smile which she clearly didn´t appreciate because her big mouth pointed right down. When I looked up into her grey eyes I realized that this would be much harder than I had expected.
“Well, you have already been gone one and a half day we can´t let you pass anymore, I am sorry.” She said and didn´t look away. I tried to hide a sigh, I have better things to do than this.
“Look, it´s important. My family…” I started and when I saw how her eyes changed I knew I had hit the right spot.
“It´s my family, my mom is sick and my dad really needs me. I promise I will do all the work but I can´t be here right now.” I said and she nodded understanding. I felt a little bad for lying, but sometimes you have to, right?
“Oh, I didn´t realized. I mean of course you can have some days. How about you come back in a week?” She said and squeezed my hand which just made me feel even worse.
“Thank you.” I said and she smiled.
“I am here if you want to talk.” She said before she stood up and nodded for me to do the same.
“Thank you.” I said again and pressed out a smile. I had never felt this bad for lying. I have to stop doing it when I get back. But first I need to make it up with everybody. It is going to be tough but I have to. My first stop is Chloe. When Mrs. Adams shut the door I walked briskly towards Liam´s dorm. It was the only place I could come up with where she could be. When I got there I took a deep breath before I knocked first carefully then hard on the door. But how hard I knocked no one came and opened. Maybe she was in class? I sighed, this is even tougher than I expected. I needed a coffee. My head still hurt from yesterday and I have to say I did not feel very alert right now. A coffee or two is just what I need to tackle my problems with my friends. On my way down to the cafeteria I tried to come up with some good words to say to Chloe. Should I tell her now? No she wouldn´t understand. I have to tell her after, when I have fixed it. I will just tell her that everything is going to be all right and when I come back I will tell her about everything. When I got to the cafeteria I saw her. She was sitting with a group of girls. I think they are the most popular girls on the school. Their names are something like Cece, Adrianna and something like Lily? Lindsey? Lisa? I have no idea but it didn´t matter, Chloe was with them and I was all alone. A huge stone landed in my stomach, she had already found new friends. But I wasn´t surprised I mean she is so sweet. The thoughts of coffee was washed away from my mind and replaced by nervousness, and only nervousness. My steps slowed down and I walked over to Chloe like a snail. I wasn´t terrified that often, but this was one of the rare moments of pure horror. My legs felt like spaghetti and when I got to their table I had to put a hand o the table so that I wouldn´t fall. I took another deep breath but it was like no air could come inside of me. Chloe and the other girls looked up on my with bitchy looks, but I ignored them. I had all my focus on breathing.
“Chloe, can I speak to you? Alone?” I asked, surprised by how normal I sounded. Chloe flinched and looked away, I could see that she got mad only by having me here. Something broke inside of me. What if she would never forgive me? No don´t think like that, Amy. Of course she will, I thought and kept myself from running away.
“It´s not a good time right now.” She said and took a zip from her coke. But I wasn´t going to give up that easily.
“It will just take one minute.” I said and she sighed. The other girls sighed too. Shit, she is the leader, I thought which made me even more scared.
“I will be back soon.” Chloe said and a thrill of happiness went through my body. That was a good start. Chloe stood up and started walking away from the table. I followed her on my shaking spaghettis.
“What´s up?” She asked and the eyes she looked at me with wasn´t the friendly brown I was used to. No they were totally different, the shined hate. Does Chloe hate me?
“Chloe, I miss you and I will tell you everything in a week when I get back. Everything literally, please forgive me. I know it might never be like before but please give me a second chance.” Suddenly Chloe looked sad and it looked like she was about to cry, but only for a minute. Then she was back with the hate in her eyes. But that minute gave me hope.
“It´s too late.” She said but it didn´t sound so convincing.
“No it´s not. I will make up for everything. If you just let me explain.” I said and a lonely tear poured down her cheek.
“Well then go ahead explain.” She said and I looked at her, looked at her familiar red hair and pretty nose. But mostly on her brown eyes, they were perfect. The eyes of every girls dream.
“I promise that I will, in a week. When I have fixed everything.” Chloe shook her head. She was angry again.
“Don´t you get it Amy? I want you to come to me when you have trouble not afterwards then I can´t be to any help. Why is it so hard for you? Why?” She asked and the sadness was gone. When I didn´t answer she gave me the bitchy look I am almost 100 % sure she had learn from Cece, Adrianna and that L-girl. Her new best friends. Ugh, I hate how that sounds.
“Leave me alone, Amy. Don´t ever talk to me again.” She said and walked away from me towards the other girls. The stone in my stomach grew and it got so heavy that I had to sit down. Finally I had realized it, Chloe would never forgive me. Never. I tried to tell myself that I could make it without her, but I wasn´t sure that I would. But I was tired of crying, I couldn´t give up that easily. Maybe Chloe didn´t forgive me but Niall would. I ran up to his room where I met his roommate, or at least I think it is his roommate. He had orange hair but except for that he was really hot. Not as hot as Niall but he looked fine.
“Hi have you seen Niall?” I asked and he looked up from a book.
“Yeah, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. But I am pretty sure he was going to meet this girl, Sophie or something. He hasn´t stopped talking about her since yesterday.” He said and continued his reading. The lump in my throat grew and I had to bite myself in my tongue to not cry. Niall hadn´t stopped talking about Sophie, Sophie and not me. Suddenly it was impossible to keep the weeping inside anymore. It came over me like a wave. Niall´s roommate looked up and grinned.
“Why are you so sad? Maybe I can help.” I was mad at him, mad at Niall, mad at the world, mad at Chloe and very, very mad at myself. What had I done?
“I am fine.” I said and ran towards the toilets. They can go to hell, I thought but I didn´t mean it. I meant I can go to hell. This was all my fault. I had let Niall down a thousands of times, and same with Chloe. They had tried to connect with me but I had made it so hard. Just when I opened the door to the toilets I felt a knock on my shoulder. Who is it now? Why can´t I be left alone when I want to? But I turned around anyway and tried to smile even if there was a flooding in my eyes.
“Amy, are you okay?” Summer asked and I felt how happy I was to see her. Of course she hadn´t known about the murderer thing and of course she had tried to find me at the party. I threw my arms around her and drew in the smell of home. It was like the lump in my throat disappeared and I could think straight again.
“Thank you for still being my friend.” I said and hugged her harder.
“Well, of course. But has something happened?” She asked and I let go of her. Even if she made me feel better there was something stopping me from telling her. I had no idea what it was it just didn´t feel right.
“Yeah but I can´t tell you now. I have to go away for a week but when I come back I promise you that I will tell everything.” I said and she looked weirdly at me.
“Leave? But…” She started but I interrupted.
“I will be back in no time and we can do all the crazy things, okay?” I said and she nodded. I gave her one last hug and suddenly I felt the courage to meet Niall. I could do this, Niall was sweet and he would understand. I opened the door again and just when I turned around to find something for my ruined mascara. He was there, and he wasn´t there alone. No the donkey was standing right in front of him, with her tongue far into his mouth. The lump was back and it was bigger than ever. I have to run away before they see me, I thought but it was too late. They had stopped kissing and both of them were staring at me.
“I am so sorry. I didn´t…I will…leave.” I said and they continued staring at me. But the courage I had felt before was back and I needed to speak with him. I needed to say the words. The three words, the eight letters that I had never said to anyone in my whole life.
“Or on second thoughts, Niall can I speak to you?” I said and my heart was pounding so fast I wondered if it would jumped out. It looked like he would say no but instead he nodded and walked out of the door with me right behind him. Surprisingly my legs wasn´t spaghetti anymore, no they felt strong, normal. You could almost think I was feeling great if it wasn´t for my stomach. It was a mixed emotion of nervousness and happiness. The butterflies wasn´t gone and the excitement was also still there they were just floating around and it felt like I had a hurricane in my stomach. Niall stopped right outside the door and waited for me to say something. I tried to find his blue eyes but they weren´t looking at me. They were focusing on something far, far away.
“Niall… I am so sorry for my behavior but it will change. I will be a better person after this week and when I come back I was hoping we could hang out.” I said and ignored how lame it sounded, hang out? Really?
“Look Amy I don´t know what game you are playing but I don´t want to be in it.” He said and now it was me who didn´t want to look into his eyes.
“I am not playing a game. You will understand when I have explained.” I said and he shrugged.
“Well I am listening.” He said and I sighed.
“I can´t tell you now, but in a week I promise.” I said and now he was shaking his head.
“For god sake Amy. I really like you, no I love you. I do, it was what they call love in first sight. But you are making it so hard for me. I don´t understand why can´t you just let me in?” He said and I was shocked. He had told me, now it was my turn. Why didn´t I say it? What was stopping me?
“I will let you in, in a week.” I said but it sounded more like a whisper.
“Give me one good reason for me to wait for you.” He said and a small voice inside of me shouted, “because I love you.” But the words didn´t leave my mouth. They got stuck somewhere inside of me.
“That´s what I thought.” He said and walked towards the bathroom again.
“Niall, wait…I” I started but my voice died and Niall didn´t even react. He left me with emptiness and more emptiness. Suddenly the emptiness disappeared and a wave of grief embraced me. It hurt, my whole body hurt. Everyone of me organs hurt, even my toe hurt. But no tears left my eyes. They were gone, they had gotten lost somewhere inside of me, and when the tears are gone, when even the tears hurt that´s when you know you have reached the highest level of sadness.
“Hey Logan, can we stop by my school so I can tell everyone I am leaving?” I asked and he nodded but didn´t look away from the street. But that wasn´t so weird, I mean he had just taken his driver license.
“Can you direct me?” He asked and I nodded even if I wasn´t sure. My sense of direction really sucks.
“I think you just turn left here and then you´re pretty much there.” I said and he did what I told him. I was really relieved when he stopped the car outside the school. I had been right on my first try, maybe I am getting better!
“I will be here in half an hour. There is a coffee place nearby if you just follow this street if you want to grab a coffee.” I said and he nodded. He looked really nervous, the brown eyes wandered around and he didn´t seem to be able to keep his arms still.
“It will be fine, we will find your mom.” I said and smiled before I hurried inside. There was a lot of things I needed to do and I wasn´t sure if I was going to make it in half an hour but I couldn´t make him wait any longer. First I needed to go to the principle to ask for permission to leave for a couple of days so I hurried down the many stairs until I got to her door. I knocked carefully and it took a long time before the stubby Mrs. Adams opened.
“Amy, just the one I wanted to see. Come on inside.” She said with a voice that almost sounded like a man. It was crazy how all teachers here know your name. In my other schools the teacher had problem with that. It took them almost two years to learn it. I had been called everything from Angelia to Anna-Beth and my name is pretty simple. I didn´t even want to imagine how it would be if your name was Colette or Gwyneth. The principal’s office was pretty small but very organized. Just like principal’s offices should look like. There were many bookcases filled with Shakespeare and other old and famous writers, in the end of the room a huge desk were standing with pencils in color order and fully organized papers. The only thing that didn´t fit in was a massive painting above the desk. It pictured a cow that was eating grass. It kind of reminded me of my grandmother´s paintings. A twinge of pain went through my body, I really missed my grandmother. Why does always the good ones die? The stubby principle pointed on the chair in front of the desk and I sat down. I had a feeling you didn´t want to mess with this woman.
“So what brings you here, Amy?” She said after she had sat down under the cow painting on a small, small chair. So small that you barely could see it. I wondered how her fat butt could fit on the chair or how the chair didn´t break.
“Well, I need a few days of. I can bring some school work with me but I am going on a trip.” I said and gave her my kindest smile which she clearly didn´t appreciate because her big mouth pointed right down. When I looked up into her grey eyes I realized that this would be much harder than I had expected.
“Well, you have already been gone one and a half day we can´t let you pass anymore, I am sorry.” She said and didn´t look away. I tried to hide a sigh, I have better things to do than this.
“Look, it´s important. My family…” I started and when I saw how her eyes changed I knew I had hit the right spot.
“It´s my family, my mom is sick and my dad really needs me. I promise I will do all the work but I can´t be here right now.” I said and she nodded understanding. I felt a little bad for lying, but sometimes you have to, right?
“Oh, I didn´t realized. I mean of course you can have some days. How about you come back in a week?” She said and squeezed my hand which just made me feel even worse.
“Thank you.” I said and she smiled.
“I am here if you want to talk.” She said before she stood up and nodded for me to do the same.
“Thank you.” I said again and pressed out a smile. I had never felt this bad for lying. I have to stop doing it when I get back. But first I need to make it up with everybody. It is going to be tough but I have to. My first stop is Chloe. When Mrs. Adams shut the door I walked briskly towards Liam´s dorm. It was the only place I could come up with where she could be. When I got there I took a deep breath before I knocked first carefully then hard on the door. But how hard I knocked no one came and opened. Maybe she was in class? I sighed, this is even tougher than I expected. I needed a coffee. My head still hurt from yesterday and I have to say I did not feel very alert right now. A coffee or two is just what I need to tackle my problems with my friends. On my way down to the cafeteria I tried to come up with some good words to say to Chloe. Should I tell her now? No she wouldn´t understand. I have to tell her after, when I have fixed it. I will just tell her that everything is going to be all right and when I come back I will tell her about everything. When I got to the cafeteria I saw her. She was sitting with a group of girls. I think they are the most popular girls on the school. Their names are something like Cece, Adrianna and something like Lily? Lindsey? Lisa? I have no idea but it didn´t matter, Chloe was with them and I was all alone. A huge stone landed in my stomach, she had already found new friends. But I wasn´t surprised I mean she is so sweet. The thoughts of coffee was washed away from my mind and replaced by nervousness, and only nervousness. My steps slowed down and I walked over to Chloe like a snail. I wasn´t terrified that often, but this was one of the rare moments of pure horror. My legs felt like spaghetti and when I got to their table I had to put a hand o the table so that I wouldn´t fall. I took another deep breath but it was like no air could come inside of me. Chloe and the other girls looked up on my with bitchy looks, but I ignored them. I had all my focus on breathing.
“Chloe, can I speak to you? Alone?” I asked, surprised by how normal I sounded. Chloe flinched and looked away, I could see that she got mad only by having me here. Something broke inside of me. What if she would never forgive me? No don´t think like that, Amy. Of course she will, I thought and kept myself from running away.
“It´s not a good time right now.” She said and took a zip from her coke. But I wasn´t going to give up that easily.
“It will just take one minute.” I said and she sighed. The other girls sighed too. Shit, she is the leader, I thought which made me even more scared.
“I will be back soon.” Chloe said and a thrill of happiness went through my body. That was a good start. Chloe stood up and started walking away from the table. I followed her on my shaking spaghettis.
“What´s up?” She asked and the eyes she looked at me with wasn´t the friendly brown I was used to. No they were totally different, the shined hate. Does Chloe hate me?
“Chloe, I miss you and I will tell you everything in a week when I get back. Everything literally, please forgive me. I know it might never be like before but please give me a second chance.” Suddenly Chloe looked sad and it looked like she was about to cry, but only for a minute. Then she was back with the hate in her eyes. But that minute gave me hope.
“It´s too late.” She said but it didn´t sound so convincing.
“No it´s not. I will make up for everything. If you just let me explain.” I said and a lonely tear poured down her cheek.
“Well then go ahead explain.” She said and I looked at her, looked at her familiar red hair and pretty nose. But mostly on her brown eyes, they were perfect. The eyes of every girls dream.
“I promise that I will, in a week. When I have fixed everything.” Chloe shook her head. She was angry again.
“Don´t you get it Amy? I want you to come to me when you have trouble not afterwards then I can´t be to any help. Why is it so hard for you? Why?” She asked and the sadness was gone. When I didn´t answer she gave me the bitchy look I am almost 100 % sure she had learn from Cece, Adrianna and that L-girl. Her new best friends. Ugh, I hate how that sounds.
“Leave me alone, Amy. Don´t ever talk to me again.” She said and walked away from me towards the other girls. The stone in my stomach grew and it got so heavy that I had to sit down. Finally I had realized it, Chloe would never forgive me. Never. I tried to tell myself that I could make it without her, but I wasn´t sure that I would. But I was tired of crying, I couldn´t give up that easily. Maybe Chloe didn´t forgive me but Niall would. I ran up to his room where I met his roommate, or at least I think it is his roommate. He had orange hair but except for that he was really hot. Not as hot as Niall but he looked fine.
“Hi have you seen Niall?” I asked and he looked up from a book.
“Yeah, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. But I am pretty sure he was going to meet this girl, Sophie or something. He hasn´t stopped talking about her since yesterday.” He said and continued his reading. The lump in my throat grew and I had to bite myself in my tongue to not cry. Niall hadn´t stopped talking about Sophie, Sophie and not me. Suddenly it was impossible to keep the weeping inside anymore. It came over me like a wave. Niall´s roommate looked up and grinned.
“Why are you so sad? Maybe I can help.” I was mad at him, mad at Niall, mad at the world, mad at Chloe and very, very mad at myself. What had I done?
“I am fine.” I said and ran towards the toilets. They can go to hell, I thought but I didn´t mean it. I meant I can go to hell. This was all my fault. I had let Niall down a thousands of times, and same with Chloe. They had tried to connect with me but I had made it so hard. Just when I opened the door to the toilets I felt a knock on my shoulder. Who is it now? Why can´t I be left alone when I want to? But I turned around anyway and tried to smile even if there was a flooding in my eyes.
“Amy, are you okay?” Summer asked and I felt how happy I was to see her. Of course she hadn´t known about the murderer thing and of course she had tried to find me at the party. I threw my arms around her and drew in the smell of home. It was like the lump in my throat disappeared and I could think straight again.
“Thank you for still being my friend.” I said and hugged her harder.
“Well, of course. But has something happened?” She asked and I let go of her. Even if she made me feel better there was something stopping me from telling her. I had no idea what it was it just didn´t feel right.
“Yeah but I can´t tell you now. I have to go away for a week but when I come back I promise you that I will tell everything.” I said and she looked weirdly at me.
“Leave? But…” She started but I interrupted.
“I will be back in no time and we can do all the crazy things, okay?” I said and she nodded. I gave her one last hug and suddenly I felt the courage to meet Niall. I could do this, Niall was sweet and he would understand. I opened the door again and just when I turned around to find something for my ruined mascara. He was there, and he wasn´t there alone. No the donkey was standing right in front of him, with her tongue far into his mouth. The lump was back and it was bigger than ever. I have to run away before they see me, I thought but it was too late. They had stopped kissing and both of them were staring at me.
“I am so sorry. I didn´t…I will…leave.” I said and they continued staring at me. But the courage I had felt before was back and I needed to speak with him. I needed to say the words. The three words, the eight letters that I had never said to anyone in my whole life.
“Or on second thoughts, Niall can I speak to you?” I said and my heart was pounding so fast I wondered if it would jumped out. It looked like he would say no but instead he nodded and walked out of the door with me right behind him. Surprisingly my legs wasn´t spaghetti anymore, no they felt strong, normal. You could almost think I was feeling great if it wasn´t for my stomach. It was a mixed emotion of nervousness and happiness. The butterflies wasn´t gone and the excitement was also still there they were just floating around and it felt like I had a hurricane in my stomach. Niall stopped right outside the door and waited for me to say something. I tried to find his blue eyes but they weren´t looking at me. They were focusing on something far, far away.
“Niall… I am so sorry for my behavior but it will change. I will be a better person after this week and when I come back I was hoping we could hang out.” I said and ignored how lame it sounded, hang out? Really?
“Look Amy I don´t know what game you are playing but I don´t want to be in it.” He said and now it was me who didn´t want to look into his eyes.
“I am not playing a game. You will understand when I have explained.” I said and he shrugged.
“Well I am listening.” He said and I sighed.
“I can´t tell you now, but in a week I promise.” I said and now he was shaking his head.
“For god sake Amy. I really like you, no I love you. I do, it was what they call love in first sight. But you are making it so hard for me. I don´t understand why can´t you just let me in?” He said and I was shocked. He had told me, now it was my turn. Why didn´t I say it? What was stopping me?
“I will let you in, in a week.” I said but it sounded more like a whisper.
“Give me one good reason for me to wait for you.” He said and a small voice inside of me shouted, “because I love you.” But the words didn´t leave my mouth. They got stuck somewhere inside of me.
“That´s what I thought.” He said and walked towards the bathroom again.
“Niall, wait…I” I started but my voice died and Niall didn´t even react. He left me with emptiness and more emptiness. Suddenly the emptiness disappeared and a wave of grief embraced me. It hurt, my whole body hurt. Everyone of me organs hurt, even my toe hurt. But no tears left my eyes. They were gone, they had gotten lost somewhere inside of me, and when the tears are gone, when even the tears hurt that´s when you know you have reached the highest level of sadness.
Notes
Hi guys! I am so sorry for low updating this weekend. I won´t update anymore today but at least it´s a pretty long chaper! So enjoy/ kisses EDo you think Chloe will forgive her?
Why do you think Amy couldn´t say I love you to Niall?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14