The new start
Chapter forty-seven, "A solution"
It had gotten an hour and I still had not realized that he was alive. I mean that´s insane, how the hell did he survive? Did Summer know about this? Was he my stalker? Why is he so kind to me? The questions went around and around in my head and I couldn´t make them stop. I couldn´t shut them out anymore. I was pretty sure that my brain would explode any minute. It hadn´t happened that much this hour since I found out about that he was alive. At first I had tried to understand it but when it didn´t work I wanted to ask all these questions. But the words got stuck in my throat and my mouth got dry. He had let me out and just left me after a while but I couldn´t just leave until I had gotten some answers. I mean of course it was great that I wasn´t a murderer but it´s like it didn´t make any sense. I knew that he didn´t owe it to me to explain but I couldn´t let it go. I couldn´t just go back to the school and pretend like nothing had happened, or that´s what I had done, but now it´s true. Now everything have changed, now I am not a murderer anymore.
But why does it feel like it then? I asked myself and realized that I still was standing outside the small house. I had just walked around in circles. I sighed and sank down on a stone. I had to go in there, I had to ask him even if he didn´t want anything to do with me. I stood up and brushed away some invisible dirt from my dress. Then I walked briskly over to the door before I had changed my mind and knocked tree harsh knocks on the door. “The guy I had murdered” opened quickly and I got shocked all over again. I really hadn´t accepted that he was alive.
"I thought you left." He said with a surprised voice.
"Look, I know you probably don´t want anything to do with me but I can´t just leave you. I need answers." I said and before he had answered I walked inside. I knew it was a dumb behavior but he would never have accepted it if I had waited for an answer. He closed the door and pointed on a couch in the corner of a big living room. The house looked completely different now from when I left. Everything was shining clean even the lamps. The couch were untouched with not a single crease and there were not a track left of the party. I sat down on the couch and he sat down on a chair in front of it. Maybe he was too scared to sit beside me on the couch, I would have been. I mean I killed him, or I didn´t kill him but... almost. Maybe he had spent all this time on a hospital and he had become depressed or something? What if he wanted to kill me now, so that he could get revenge? I shuddered. Maybe this wasn´t such a good idea after all. I thought. But it was too late to go back and leave him now. The awkwardness rose up over us and I felt like I needed to break the silence. It didn´t look like he was going to.
"I just... I need to ask some questions and I totally understand if you don´t want me to. It´s just...it doesn´t make any sense." I said and he nodded. I took that as a "go on" so I breathed in and prepared myself to talk. But before the words had left my mouth he started talking.
"Yeah, I understand. I actually have some questions for you too. But first I need some tea. How about you?" He said and I nodded.
"Yes please, I would love some tea." I said and I could literally hear my stomach shout for food, I was starving. I hadn´t eaten since yesterday and I wasn´t used to being away from food for this long. Ten minutes later "the guy I had murdered" came back with two cups of tea and four sandwiches.
"I thought you might be hungry, so I made some sandwiches too." He said and I smiled before I grabbed a sandwich with cheese and cucumber.
"Why are you so nice to me?" I asked and he got serious. The mouth looked like a small line and I saw sadness in his eyes.
"My mother always told me that if you want to be treated right you have to treat other people right too, and beside it wasn´t just your fault that I fell. I literally begged for it." He said and I shook my head.
"It was not your fault... I just, I am sorry. I don´t know what I was thinking or I was not thinking. I..." I said but he interrupted by giving me an angry look. Of course he didn´t want to hear my excuses, why would he after what I had done to him? Somewhere a line has to be drawn of how nice he can be. I mean I had almost killed the guy.
"Should we start with the questions? So you can leave." He said and his brown eyes turned black. Suddenly I didn´t feel like asking him the questions anymore. But I was here now and it was too late to walk away.
"Yeah, sure. I want to know how you survived." I said and focused my eyes on his nose. I didn´t dare to look into his eyes, they would make me cry and I wasn´t supposed to cry, I wasn´t the victim. I was the murderer, or I can´t call myself murderer anymore but psycho or something.
"Well, someone called the ambulance and I was lucky because they were just around the corner so they saved me, last minute." I saw how painful memories flashed through his eyes and a stone of guilt landed in my stomach. Then I remembered, it was me, I was the one who called the ambulance. I had always thought that I had a blacked out after the murderer but I remember how I ran to a behind the café and quickly typed in the number before I ran home again and fell asleep on the floor because of all the alcohol. The stone in my stomach got a little less heavy, I wasn´t just a killer, I was a savior too.
"Your turn." I said and he nodded. I couldn´t handle even looking on his nose anymore, it was even like the nose exuded pain.
"Why didn´t you want to sleep with me?" He asked and I flinched of surprise. That was the last thing I had expected him to ask. I felt his eyes on me, they drilled into me and they saw every little vulnerable spot and every little thought in my head. It was like they could read way.
"I... I am ...I wasn´t in the mood." I said and the guilt of lying hung in the air. I looked up and straight into his eyes. And that was it, I couldn´t keep it inside anymore. Tears started falling down my cheeks and memories jumped into my head. Painful memories. Memories of every time I had to lie when they asked how many I had slept with, when they asked if I could sleep with them, when they wanted me to strip for them
"I was a virgin." I said and the memories of the night with Harry came flowing over me like a snake. Suddenly I knew why I got so sad when I found out about Harry and Louis. It wasn´t because that I had loved him or because he was so sweet to me, It was because he took my virginity and didn´t care. I had even paid money so that guys could lie about us having sex to keep my virginity. I had made so much trouble to keep it and he just came and took it like it wasn´t worth anything. I met "the guy I had saved and murdered´s" eyes and I saw how surprised they were. But I couldn´t blame him, everyone in Reading thought I was a huge whore. Because that´s what I wanted them to think, not a stupid virgin.
"Oh, okay." He said and it actually looked like he felt sorry for me. Then it got quiet and I desperately tried to get the awkwardness out of the air.
"Your mum sounded wise. I wish I had a mum who gave me advices." I said after a few minutes of silence. I imagined what his mum looked like, tall with brown eyes just like her son or maybe she was the opposite and he had gotten his look from his dad. I imagined a happy family but when I looked into "the guy I had saved and murdered´s" eyes I knew that wasn´t true. Now it was me feeling sorry for him.
"Yeah, she was wise." He whispered and I could almost see a tiny tear pour down his cheek.
"Oh, is she dead? I am sorry." I said and wanted to go and hug him.
"No they took her from me when I was eight. They said she drank too much." He said and I sighed. Every time I try to make it better it just gets worse. But then the best idea hit me.
"Why don´t you go and look for her?" I asked and he looked shocked. Like he hadn´t thought that I would care.
"I don´t know if that is a good idea. I can´t face her alone it will..." He said and I could see how his hands were shaking.
"I will follow. I need forgiveness to go on with my life and if I do that for you maybe you will forgive me?" I said and he looked up on me with surprised eyes.
"Are you sure?" He asked and cracked out in a smile.
"I am sure." I said and smiled too. Maybe I would find peace if I did this for him.
"Well, I have always wished to see her again..." He started and my smile grew brigger. Finally I saw a solution to let this all go. I had to do this to be able to open up to my friends again.
"Then it is settled. I hope we can get a new start after this." I said and had to keep myself from hugging him. Then he stood up and to my surprise he lifted his hand for me to shake it.
"I am Logan and I have heard that you are going to follow me to find my mum." He said and I laughed.
"Yes, I am Amy." I said and grabbed his hand. Finally my life was going in the right direction.
But why does it feel like it then? I asked myself and realized that I still was standing outside the small house. I had just walked around in circles. I sighed and sank down on a stone. I had to go in there, I had to ask him even if he didn´t want anything to do with me. I stood up and brushed away some invisible dirt from my dress. Then I walked briskly over to the door before I had changed my mind and knocked tree harsh knocks on the door. “The guy I had murdered” opened quickly and I got shocked all over again. I really hadn´t accepted that he was alive.
"I thought you left." He said with a surprised voice.
"Look, I know you probably don´t want anything to do with me but I can´t just leave you. I need answers." I said and before he had answered I walked inside. I knew it was a dumb behavior but he would never have accepted it if I had waited for an answer. He closed the door and pointed on a couch in the corner of a big living room. The house looked completely different now from when I left. Everything was shining clean even the lamps. The couch were untouched with not a single crease and there were not a track left of the party. I sat down on the couch and he sat down on a chair in front of it. Maybe he was too scared to sit beside me on the couch, I would have been. I mean I killed him, or I didn´t kill him but... almost. Maybe he had spent all this time on a hospital and he had become depressed or something? What if he wanted to kill me now, so that he could get revenge? I shuddered. Maybe this wasn´t such a good idea after all. I thought. But it was too late to go back and leave him now. The awkwardness rose up over us and I felt like I needed to break the silence. It didn´t look like he was going to.
"I just... I need to ask some questions and I totally understand if you don´t want me to. It´s just...it doesn´t make any sense." I said and he nodded. I took that as a "go on" so I breathed in and prepared myself to talk. But before the words had left my mouth he started talking.
"Yeah, I understand. I actually have some questions for you too. But first I need some tea. How about you?" He said and I nodded.
"Yes please, I would love some tea." I said and I could literally hear my stomach shout for food, I was starving. I hadn´t eaten since yesterday and I wasn´t used to being away from food for this long. Ten minutes later "the guy I had murdered" came back with two cups of tea and four sandwiches.
"I thought you might be hungry, so I made some sandwiches too." He said and I smiled before I grabbed a sandwich with cheese and cucumber.
"Why are you so nice to me?" I asked and he got serious. The mouth looked like a small line and I saw sadness in his eyes.
"My mother always told me that if you want to be treated right you have to treat other people right too, and beside it wasn´t just your fault that I fell. I literally begged for it." He said and I shook my head.
"It was not your fault... I just, I am sorry. I don´t know what I was thinking or I was not thinking. I..." I said but he interrupted by giving me an angry look. Of course he didn´t want to hear my excuses, why would he after what I had done to him? Somewhere a line has to be drawn of how nice he can be. I mean I had almost killed the guy.
"Should we start with the questions? So you can leave." He said and his brown eyes turned black. Suddenly I didn´t feel like asking him the questions anymore. But I was here now and it was too late to walk away.
"Yeah, sure. I want to know how you survived." I said and focused my eyes on his nose. I didn´t dare to look into his eyes, they would make me cry and I wasn´t supposed to cry, I wasn´t the victim. I was the murderer, or I can´t call myself murderer anymore but psycho or something.
"Well, someone called the ambulance and I was lucky because they were just around the corner so they saved me, last minute." I saw how painful memories flashed through his eyes and a stone of guilt landed in my stomach. Then I remembered, it was me, I was the one who called the ambulance. I had always thought that I had a blacked out after the murderer but I remember how I ran to a behind the café and quickly typed in the number before I ran home again and fell asleep on the floor because of all the alcohol. The stone in my stomach got a little less heavy, I wasn´t just a killer, I was a savior too.
"Your turn." I said and he nodded. I couldn´t handle even looking on his nose anymore, it was even like the nose exuded pain.
"Why didn´t you want to sleep with me?" He asked and I flinched of surprise. That was the last thing I had expected him to ask. I felt his eyes on me, they drilled into me and they saw every little vulnerable spot and every little thought in my head. It was like they could read way.
"I... I am ...I wasn´t in the mood." I said and the guilt of lying hung in the air. I looked up and straight into his eyes. And that was it, I couldn´t keep it inside anymore. Tears started falling down my cheeks and memories jumped into my head. Painful memories. Memories of every time I had to lie when they asked how many I had slept with, when they asked if I could sleep with them, when they wanted me to strip for them
"I was a virgin." I said and the memories of the night with Harry came flowing over me like a snake. Suddenly I knew why I got so sad when I found out about Harry and Louis. It wasn´t because that I had loved him or because he was so sweet to me, It was because he took my virginity and didn´t care. I had even paid money so that guys could lie about us having sex to keep my virginity. I had made so much trouble to keep it and he just came and took it like it wasn´t worth anything. I met "the guy I had saved and murdered´s" eyes and I saw how surprised they were. But I couldn´t blame him, everyone in Reading thought I was a huge whore. Because that´s what I wanted them to think, not a stupid virgin.
"Oh, okay." He said and it actually looked like he felt sorry for me. Then it got quiet and I desperately tried to get the awkwardness out of the air.
"Your mum sounded wise. I wish I had a mum who gave me advices." I said after a few minutes of silence. I imagined what his mum looked like, tall with brown eyes just like her son or maybe she was the opposite and he had gotten his look from his dad. I imagined a happy family but when I looked into "the guy I had saved and murdered´s" eyes I knew that wasn´t true. Now it was me feeling sorry for him.
"Yeah, she was wise." He whispered and I could almost see a tiny tear pour down his cheek.
"Oh, is she dead? I am sorry." I said and wanted to go and hug him.
"No they took her from me when I was eight. They said she drank too much." He said and I sighed. Every time I try to make it better it just gets worse. But then the best idea hit me.
"Why don´t you go and look for her?" I asked and he looked shocked. Like he hadn´t thought that I would care.
"I don´t know if that is a good idea. I can´t face her alone it will..." He said and I could see how his hands were shaking.
"I will follow. I need forgiveness to go on with my life and if I do that for you maybe you will forgive me?" I said and he looked up on me with surprised eyes.
"Are you sure?" He asked and cracked out in a smile.
"I am sure." I said and smiled too. Maybe I would find peace if I did this for him.
"Well, I have always wished to see her again..." He started and my smile grew brigger. Finally I saw a solution to let this all go. I had to do this to be able to open up to my friends again.
"Then it is settled. I hope we can get a new start after this." I said and had to keep myself from hugging him. Then he stood up and to my surprise he lifted his hand for me to shake it.
"I am Logan and I have heard that you are going to follow me to find my mum." He said and I laughed.
"Yes, I am Amy." I said and grabbed his hand. Finally my life was going in the right direction.
Notes
Hi, guys! So I made a chapter in school! WOHO :) Well, it´s not as long and as good as it is at home but I still hope it´s okay. I will try to change all the wrongs when I get home so I hope you will understand if it is a lot of misspelling and stuff. Love you/ kisses EDo you think Logan will forgive her?
What do you think Summer will say about this?
@stolemyheart
Did you die because of your beauty or something? :0
4/27/14