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Stupid With Love

I Don't Know Who I want

Niall P.O.V.

It was getting harder and harder to avoid him. I started to feel like he was stalking me, when I was at the shops with Harry, I saw him there, lurking behind the cereals in an attempted to hide himself from my vision. When I needed some space from Harry because of the guilt I was feeling I went to the park down the road. I saw him there, watching me, waiting for me. Waiting for me to choose. But who do I want? If I chose Liam I knew it would break Harry, it would break me, I’ve already been down that road and it almost cost me my life. How is it possible that I am even considering it now? On the other hand if I choose to stay with Harry I know I would be able to find the happiness that I have been looking for, for what feels like a lifetime. But I know that I will always want Liam. And in no way is that fair to Harry.

That’s the problem with first loves, no matter how much that person hurt you and no matter how badly the relationship ended, some small part of you will always love them, will always be yearning for them. And I shouldn’t be, I should hate him. I do hate Liam. But I can’t deny that I still want him. Fuck, why does this have to be so confusing? I was snapped out of my thoughts as I felt Harry stirring beside me, he rolled onto his side facing me, the sheets tucked tightly under his chin, a slow smile spread across his face as he saw I was already looking at him.

“Morning, babe,” he said, voice thick with sleep.

“Your sleeping seems to be getting better,” I stated.

“Yeah, slowly,” he replied, his smile fading as he pushed himself up and sat on the side of the bed. I know he hates talking about it. “What about you? Are you feeling okay today?”

“I got a decent three hours sleep last night, so I’m okay,” I replied, looking out the window away from Harry so he couldn’t read my face. I’m lying and he knows it. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. My mind to full of choices that I have to make. Eyes that turn from green to brown to green flashed behind my eyelids every time they drooped shut. It makes him feel better when I tell him the lie. Even though he knows it’s not the truth, I suppose it’s a kind of comfort for him, a feeling that he is helping me heal. So he just smiles and slips out of the bed.

“Do you have therapy today?” he shouted from the bathroom.

“Yeah, appointments at eleven,” I shouted back. “I was going to go there then pick up some food on the way home, what do you feel like?”

“I don’t know, you choose,” he said, walking back into the bedroom and changing into a pair of black jeans and a blue blazer.

I nodded and pushed the sheets off me, getting up and walking into the bathroom. I strip out of my boxers and turn the shower on, waiting for it to adjust to the right temperature before I step under and let the water rush over me. I turn the water off and wrap a towel around my waist. I walk into the bedroom to find Harry gone. Why did he leave without telling me? I got dressed and walked into the kitchen. A cup of tea was sitting on the counter and a note addressed to me sat beside it, something that Harry had taken to doing every morning before he left. I smiled to myself and unfolded the piece of paper;

Louis called and wants to hang out today; I’ve gone to meet him at his apartment. I hope therapy goes well today and you can start to make progress on what we talked about the other night. Not sure when I’ll be home, sorry about lunch, I’ll make it up to you tonight.
I love you,
H. x

Well I guess it’s just me hanging by myself today. I still haven’t put aside all the issues I have with Louis and Zayn yet, so I can understand why I wasn’t invited. I sighed and finished off my tea before walking out the door to my appointment. Therapy was still not something that I looked forward to. I didn’t want to share what happened, hell I didn’t even want to think about it. Can’t we just say it happened; it’s in the past and not dwell on it any longer? Just move on. I made it to my therapist room and rap my knuckles on the door three times.

“Come in!” was shouted through the door.

I stepped inside, immediately met with Dr Andie’s megawatt smile as he looked up from his note book.

“Ah Niall. Take a seat please,” he said, gesturing to the couch opposite him.

“Hey Doc,” I mumbled, taking my seat.
“How are you feeling today?” he asked that smile of his never faltering.

“Ah, alright I suppose,” I returned.

“How’s your sleeping going?”

“Oh just fantastic, I feel so refreshed, never felt more alive,” I said sarcastically, looking him right in the eye.

“Now Niall, you know that sarcasm is just a defence mechanism. Don’t you remember me telling you last week that you need to work on controlling that? You have nothing to be ashamed of,” he said, disappointment on his face.

“Don’t I?” I asked, my hand automatically rubbing the healing wounds on my arms. His eyes followed my movements carefully.

“No Niall, you don’t. You really don’t understand how brave you are, do you?” I looked up at him questionably. “To go through what you’ve been through and still be here. And not just that, but coming here and being willing to talk through your problems and find the best way to resolve them.”

“Hm, I suppose.”

“Okay, so anything new you would like to say today. How are things going with Liam, have you spoken to him since you got back to London?”

“I have, but only because he ambushed me, and refused to let me go before he said what he wanted to say to me,” I said cringing as I remembered the kiss.

“And what did he want to say to you?” he pried.

“That he loves me and he wants to be with me, and all this crap that he shouldn’t be allowed to say to me. Not just because of what he did, but because I’m with Harry,” I paused for a moment. “He kissed me doc. And the worst part is I let him. Hell, I even kissed him back before I realised what I was doing. The problem is, I’ve been waiting so long for Liam to say those words to me, and now he finally has I don’t know what to do. He said I have a choice to make. But I don’t, do I doc? I’m with Harry.”

“Niall, you know as well as I do that only you can answer that question. It’s quite obvious that you still have strong feelings for Liam, and that’s understandable. But for now my professional advice is to stay away from him, all he does is confuse you and put thoughts into your head, and that is far from what you need right now. And you need to tell Harry about the kiss. He might get mad at first, but from what you’ve told me about him, I’m sure he will understand,” he answered.

I nodded. He was right. Of course he was right. I could hardly look Harry in the eye because I’m so racked with guilt. If I tell him, we can work it out together. He won’t leave me. He’ll understand.

“Now, what about your progress with Louis and Zayn. Have you talked to them?”

“No, but only because I still can’t trust them after they just wrote me off in Australia. I need more time,”

He nodded, understanding. “So you haven’t given anymore thought to what will happen to the band?” he asked this cautiously, knowing I did not like talking about this subject.

“No,” I replied honestly. “I can’t even think about that right now. I can’t think about how disappointed the fans are with me and the boys. I just know that I can’t look at Liam, Louis and Zayn every day and pretend everything is okay. I can’t put a smile on my face to assure the fans that I’m alright. I can’t be under that amount of pressure again, without knowing if I will or won’t break.”

“Alright, Niall no one is going to try and pressure you into doing something you don’t want to do before you’re ready. I’m just happy that you are making progress, even if it is a small amount so far,” he said, smiling. “And I do believe we are finished for today. I will be seeing you at the same time next week on Thursday. Have a good day, Niall,” he stood up and held the door open for me. I nodded, and mumbled a thank you before exiting the room.

I walked slowly back to mine and Harry’s apartment, knowing that I would have to find something to pass the time, because Harry was off with Louis. I rounded the corner of the street, half expecting to see Liam waiting for me as he always does after my therapy sessions. He never speaks to me, never tries to approach me; he just sits and stares, a sad smile touching the corners of his lips. But today he wasn’t there; I hate to admit that I was a little disappointed. It’s a sad comfort of mine, knowing that at least someone cares, even if it is Liam. I took the short elevator ride up to my floor, wasting no time getting into the apartment. I flopped down on the couch, exhausted. After a while I went into the bathroom looking for the extra bandages we keep in there for my arms, it’s about time I changed them. I rolled up the sleeves of my jumper carefully to my elbow, revealing forearms that were wrapped tightly in gauze and bandages. I unravelled it at the wrist, letting it fall off my arm onto the floor. I began to cut out the size of gauze I needed when the doorbell rang. Who would be coming by? I left what I was doing, momentarily distracted by the unannounced person and walked to the door. I opened it to reveal Liam standing in front of me, a Chinese takeout bag in his right hand.

“What are you doing here?” I asked.

“I heard that Harry was spending the day with Louis and I didn’t want you to be left alone, so I thought I would come over and give you some company,” he said, shrugging.

“And what makes you think I want to spend any time with you?” I said harshly. Moving to shut the door. He took a step forward so I could physically not close the door an inch.

“Well the way you kissed me the other day kind of had me thinking that you want me around a little more than you let on,” he said, smirking.

“Don’t be a dick,”

He looked taken aback for a second before he regained his composer. “Look I brought over some food and you look as though you could use it,” his eyes travelled down my frail form. I can’t remember the last time I ate solid food and my mouth watered at the thought of it. “We don’t even have to talk, we can just eat. Please Niall. I’m trying here okay,” he pleaded.

“Fine, but only because you brought food,” I said, stepping back and allowing him into the apartment. I figured the quicker I ate the sooner he would leave.

He walked into the lounge room and set the food out on the floor before walking into the kitchen and returning with cutlery and plates. I stood glued to the spot in the doorway. He looked up, noticing my tense position.

“Come on, Niall. It’s just food,” he said, gesturing to the spot beside him.

I gave in and made myself comfortable on the floor, before digging into the meal he had brought for me. I could only eat a few mouthfuls before my stomach was churning and threatening to bring the food back up. I pushed my plate away and willed the food to stay down.

“So, you don’t like the food?” he asked, looking at my hardly touched plate.

“It’s good, I just can’t,” I turned to him, “I thought you said we didn’t have to talk?”

“Well of course I want to talk to you, Niall. But if you don’t want to eat and you don’t want to talk I’m sure we can find something else to do,” he said, looking up at me though his lashes.

I looked at him questionably, trying to figure out what he was insinuating.

He pushed his half eaten food away and got up, putting a movie into the DVD player and sitting back down, this time closer to me. I continued to stare at him, not willing myself to move. We stayed like this for a while, both of us pretending to be captivated by the movie. I have no idea what I was even watching. Eventually his hand made its way onto my knee and rested there a while. Still I didn’t make a move. His hand moved higher until it rested on the top of my thigh. He was suddenly kneeling in front of me, looking into my eyes, trying to determine my reaction. I could only stare at him, fascinated by what was happening. He started to leaning in closer, is eyes moving from my eyes to my lips and back again before they rested further down on my arm. I realized that I had still not covered them up. He leaned down and placed soft kisses down my forearms, making me shiver at the contact. No one had seen the cuts besides Harry. He looked up at me, pain in his eyes, before he continued to move his head closer. I kept my eyes trained on his lips, watching them draw closer to mine. Our eyes closed just as our lips were about to meet. Liam wasted no time, running his tongue along my bottom lip, not waiting for me to react before he separated my lips with his tongue, tasting every inch of my mouth as his tongue battled with my own. His hands moved down to rest on my hips as mine wound up into his hair, pulling him closer to me. He moaned as I tugged at the stands near the nape of his neck. His right hand moved to rest over my crouch; I thrust my hips up to meet his hand, wanting to feel him everywhere. His fingers began to unzip my jeans, his hand sliding into my briefs and grabbing hold of me. I let out a groan at the contact. His hand began moving up and down my length as I became a moaning mess beneath him.

Behind my closed lids I made out a silhouette, I couldn’t make out their facial features, until they lifted their head and emerald eyes flashed at me. I looked back and saw that the eyes now did not shine bright like emeralds but dull like grass. I flinched knowing that I am the reason they are changing. I am the reason for their pain. I tried to scream out to them, but my voice was lost, and all too soon the silhouette vanished taking the pain filled eyes with it.

My eyes snapped open and I shoved Liam off of me.

“What is wrong with you?” I screamed scrambling to my feet and doing my jeans back up.

“Don’t act like you didn’t want it, Niall. You want this just as much as I do,” he said, still stunned from me pushing him back.

“Just get out, Liam,” I said, walking to the door and gesturing for him to leave. He got up and moved past me towards the door. He reached his hand out to graze my cheek, but I slapped it away before it could make contact.

“You’ll realize just how much you need me soon enough. And then you’ll come crawling back,” he said, harshly.

“No, because I have Harry. I don’t need you. I don’t want you,” I said, just as harshly.

“Ah yes, Harry. And how do you think he would feel if he knew what has been going on?”

“You wouldn’t!” I said, realizing what he was getting at.

He looked at me and grinned, before walking out the door towards the elevator. I slammed the door shut, and ran into the bedroom, throwing myself onto the unmade bed and curling into a ball. What the fuck am I doing? Was all I could think of, as I let the tears fall freely down my cheeks. Awhile later I heard the apartment door open and someone rustling around before they entered the bedroom. Harry didn’t say anything; he just gathered me into his arms and swayed us back and forth. Doing all he could do to protect me from the things that could hurt me.


I'm terribly sorry that this took a month, but my laptop broke and I just got it back. but it's still broken.. and it's really frustrating.

I'm not really sure what I was doing with this chapter, and I'm not 100% happy with it. but I thought you guy deserved something, so here you are.

I hope you enjoy it anyway.

nearly 12,000 readers, yay!


Both narry and niam, I tend to lean a bit more towards narry though.

Jayy Jayy

I did <3 Your story is amazing so you are a Niam Horayne shipper,right?

Liam_is_HOT Liam_is_HOT

If you read the sequel 'loved you first' there may be a happy ending. But no promises. I hope you enjoyed the story anyway.

Jayy Jayy

No!!!This can't end like this!!! :'( It's a Niam Horayne Fanfic were is the happy ever after? :'( :'( :'(

Liam_is_HOT Liam_is_HOT


FREAKING AWESOME when your done with it let me know so i can read it ;)