Behind Closed Doors {Larry Stylinson}
Chapter 23
HARRY’S P.O.V.
I roll over and refuse to open my eyes. I feel like shit, but it’s still a relief compared to how I felt yesterday. This is just a hangover. I never want to live through withdrawal like that again. I force my eyes open and it’s mostly dark, light barely peeking through the curtains in the living room. I faintly remember Liam coming over, but now he’s snoring on the couch directly across from me. His leg is falling over the edge and he looks very uncomfortable. I sit up and look around, scared of what I’ll find because I do remember tearing the place to shreds. It’s all clean. There are four large garbage bags full and tied off sitting by the door, but things are tidy. Sure, my flat looks empty, but that’s because I destroyed any decor that reminded me of Louis, which was everything. He picked out the colors, as well as the pillows. We found the artwork together at auctions and I know that if he every forgives me for everything else, he will never forget about the paintings I tore to pieces. I rest my face in my palms, forcing myself to breathe. There is nothing I can do about my stupidity now. I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge, deciding I can at least thank Liam properly. I notice the items Louis had added; some comfort food and all of the basics.
I throw together some eggs and sausage with a side of toast and set it on plates as Liam starts to stir from his deep sleep. He finally sits up and rubs his eyes roughly before standing up and joining me in the kitchen. Before he can say anything, I hug him tightly, resting my head on his shoulder. I try to hold back the tears, but my emotions have been a roller coaster the past few days.
“Thank you, Liam. I can’t tell you how much it means just that you came.”
“Harry, it’s nothing. I’d do anything for you two.”
It pains my heart to hear him refer to Louis as a part of me. He is the most important part of me, but he feels so far away right now. I pause my sobs and pull away, not wanting the food to get cold. I hand him his plate and we sit together at the counter on barstools. We eat in silence for a couple minutes before he looks at me and finally speaks.
“So, tell me what happened. From the beginning.”
I feel as though so many people have tried to help me in the past couple days and I somehow avoided these types of questions. I didn’t even want to tell Liam before, because I knew he’d just lecture me. However, now I know, that’s exactly what I need.
“Well, when Louis left for France, I decided to try to leave reality while he was gone. I found a guy who deals to celebrities and started using within a week of Lou being gone. I felt so lost without him and I didn’t care about anything. I felt like we were finally doing really well and being as mature about our relationship as was possible and then I had to lose him for a month. After being with him every day for so long, especially on tour, it was all I knew. It scared me to think that I would be alone for any period of time, not to mention a month. I was using coke every day for about two weeks when I started to see it becoming a major problem. I didn’t want to tell you guys because I was already disappointed in myself. I decided spur of the moment to get Cara in on things and
take her to France.”
He’s listening intently still, not trying to interrupt at all. He nods along understandingly to every explanation, but I know how sad it’s making him.
“I just decided that the only way to stop it was to see Louis. I needed to talk to him about it. I would have too, if management didn’t step in when they did. I used a little less during those couple days with Louis, but as soon as we were apart again, I was snorting about three or four times a day. I had to buy from Kevin large amounts every week. I put myself down, knowing Modest would keep us apart, even when Louis was back here. I just kept running myself into the ground. I saw it happening, too. I just thought I was too far in and that it was better than facing my solitude.”
He takes it all in and thinks deeply before replying to me. The time he takes thinking reassures me that he has something meaningful to say.
“Harry, I understand. I really do; I see every day how much you and Louis love each other and I wish with all my heart that you could share that with the world. Sadly, that’s not possible right now without taking a toll on everyones’ career. I want you to know how much the rest of us respect you guys for complying with management for us. We know you and Lou would drop everything to be together if it meant it wouldn’t hurt me, Zayn, and Niall. We really do see it as you sticking it out for us and even though it hurts, it means the world to us.”
I nod and bite my lip nervously. It’s nice to know that they see our struggle for what it is.
“But, we can’t have stuff like this happening, Harry. You’re not making anything better, especially for you. I know escaping from reality seems like the best option at the time, but look where you’re at now.”
“I’m guessing Louis already gave you a summary of how much of an asshole I’ve been?”
“Yeah, pretty much, but I know that none of this is you. It’s all because of one decision you made: to use drugs. That’s the underlying factor that needs to change.”
“Don’t worry, I’m never doing that again.”
“Good, because if we notice anything off again, we will intervene, whether you want it or not.”
I feel like Liam is a parent giving me a second chance, warning me that it won’t be so pretty next time. Not that any of it is welcoming this time.
“What about Louis, then? Any ideas on how you can fix that?”
“Liam, I don’t know. How do you make up for a stink like that? I remember being upset because of some stupid picture I saw of Louis kissing Eleanor when I KNEW it was to make management happy. That was only a month ago and now the tables have turned dramatically. But, really that was nothing compared to this. How can I earn his trust after what I did?”
“Well, I’m not sure, but Louis loves you, Harry. It’s going to work out, I’m sure. You just have a lot of making up to do. You need to prove to him that you aren’t going back down that road. Show him that you’re still you.”
“But, am I?”
“I think you are, Harry, but that’s something only you can know.”
“I don’t know if I’m still the guy he fell in love with. So much has changed in the past three years and we’ve gone through it all together. How do I go back to the very basis of our relationship?”
“Sorry, but you’re going to have to come up with that on your own. By the way, there’s a bit of a dilemma with management.”
“Shit. I didn’t even think about that.”
“Well, Louis told them you’ve been sick with the flu, so play into that. He said he hadn’t seen you, but Jason said Cara went by and tried to get out of her contract. I don’t really know how you want to deal with that.”
“Dammit- she just can’t stay away from the situation, can she?”
Liam looks at me scoldingly.
“To be fair, you dragged the poor girl in head first.”
“Touché,” I really had no right to be genuinely upset with Cara, “Liam, I think I’m going to have to involve management. I have to stand up to them somehow if I want to be around Louis and have any chance at sanity. I think I have an idea.”
I roll over and refuse to open my eyes. I feel like shit, but it’s still a relief compared to how I felt yesterday. This is just a hangover. I never want to live through withdrawal like that again. I force my eyes open and it’s mostly dark, light barely peeking through the curtains in the living room. I faintly remember Liam coming over, but now he’s snoring on the couch directly across from me. His leg is falling over the edge and he looks very uncomfortable. I sit up and look around, scared of what I’ll find because I do remember tearing the place to shreds. It’s all clean. There are four large garbage bags full and tied off sitting by the door, but things are tidy. Sure, my flat looks empty, but that’s because I destroyed any decor that reminded me of Louis, which was everything. He picked out the colors, as well as the pillows. We found the artwork together at auctions and I know that if he every forgives me for everything else, he will never forget about the paintings I tore to pieces. I rest my face in my palms, forcing myself to breathe. There is nothing I can do about my stupidity now. I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge, deciding I can at least thank Liam properly. I notice the items Louis had added; some comfort food and all of the basics.
I throw together some eggs and sausage with a side of toast and set it on plates as Liam starts to stir from his deep sleep. He finally sits up and rubs his eyes roughly before standing up and joining me in the kitchen. Before he can say anything, I hug him tightly, resting my head on his shoulder. I try to hold back the tears, but my emotions have been a roller coaster the past few days.
“Thank you, Liam. I can’t tell you how much it means just that you came.”
“Harry, it’s nothing. I’d do anything for you two.”
It pains my heart to hear him refer to Louis as a part of me. He is the most important part of me, but he feels so far away right now. I pause my sobs and pull away, not wanting the food to get cold. I hand him his plate and we sit together at the counter on barstools. We eat in silence for a couple minutes before he looks at me and finally speaks.
“So, tell me what happened. From the beginning.”
I feel as though so many people have tried to help me in the past couple days and I somehow avoided these types of questions. I didn’t even want to tell Liam before, because I knew he’d just lecture me. However, now I know, that’s exactly what I need.
“Well, when Louis left for France, I decided to try to leave reality while he was gone. I found a guy who deals to celebrities and started using within a week of Lou being gone. I felt so lost without him and I didn’t care about anything. I felt like we were finally doing really well and being as mature about our relationship as was possible and then I had to lose him for a month. After being with him every day for so long, especially on tour, it was all I knew. It scared me to think that I would be alone for any period of time, not to mention a month. I was using coke every day for about two weeks when I started to see it becoming a major problem. I didn’t want to tell you guys because I was already disappointed in myself. I decided spur of the moment to get Cara in on things and
take her to France.”
He’s listening intently still, not trying to interrupt at all. He nods along understandingly to every explanation, but I know how sad it’s making him.
“I just decided that the only way to stop it was to see Louis. I needed to talk to him about it. I would have too, if management didn’t step in when they did. I used a little less during those couple days with Louis, but as soon as we were apart again, I was snorting about three or four times a day. I had to buy from Kevin large amounts every week. I put myself down, knowing Modest would keep us apart, even when Louis was back here. I just kept running myself into the ground. I saw it happening, too. I just thought I was too far in and that it was better than facing my solitude.”
He takes it all in and thinks deeply before replying to me. The time he takes thinking reassures me that he has something meaningful to say.
“Harry, I understand. I really do; I see every day how much you and Louis love each other and I wish with all my heart that you could share that with the world. Sadly, that’s not possible right now without taking a toll on everyones’ career. I want you to know how much the rest of us respect you guys for complying with management for us. We know you and Lou would drop everything to be together if it meant it wouldn’t hurt me, Zayn, and Niall. We really do see it as you sticking it out for us and even though it hurts, it means the world to us.”
I nod and bite my lip nervously. It’s nice to know that they see our struggle for what it is.
“But, we can’t have stuff like this happening, Harry. You’re not making anything better, especially for you. I know escaping from reality seems like the best option at the time, but look where you’re at now.”
“I’m guessing Louis already gave you a summary of how much of an asshole I’ve been?”
“Yeah, pretty much, but I know that none of this is you. It’s all because of one decision you made: to use drugs. That’s the underlying factor that needs to change.”
“Don’t worry, I’m never doing that again.”
“Good, because if we notice anything off again, we will intervene, whether you want it or not.”
I feel like Liam is a parent giving me a second chance, warning me that it won’t be so pretty next time. Not that any of it is welcoming this time.
“What about Louis, then? Any ideas on how you can fix that?”
“Liam, I don’t know. How do you make up for a stink like that? I remember being upset because of some stupid picture I saw of Louis kissing Eleanor when I KNEW it was to make management happy. That was only a month ago and now the tables have turned dramatically. But, really that was nothing compared to this. How can I earn his trust after what I did?”
“Well, I’m not sure, but Louis loves you, Harry. It’s going to work out, I’m sure. You just have a lot of making up to do. You need to prove to him that you aren’t going back down that road. Show him that you’re still you.”
“But, am I?”
“I think you are, Harry, but that’s something only you can know.”
“I don’t know if I’m still the guy he fell in love with. So much has changed in the past three years and we’ve gone through it all together. How do I go back to the very basis of our relationship?”
“Sorry, but you’re going to have to come up with that on your own. By the way, there’s a bit of a dilemma with management.”
“Shit. I didn’t even think about that.”
“Well, Louis told them you’ve been sick with the flu, so play into that. He said he hadn’t seen you, but Jason said Cara went by and tried to get out of her contract. I don’t really know how you want to deal with that.”
“Dammit- she just can’t stay away from the situation, can she?”
Liam looks at me scoldingly.
“To be fair, you dragged the poor girl in head first.”
“Touché,” I really had no right to be genuinely upset with Cara, “Liam, I think I’m going to have to involve management. I have to stand up to them somehow if I want to be around Louis and have any chance at sanity. I think I have an idea.”
Notes
PLEASE COMMENT <3What idea do you think Harry has to stand up to management? Do you think it will work? What will Louis think about Harry destroying his flat? Do you think Liam's more worried than he's letting on?
Thank you of reading guys and for all your previous comments. Share with me any opinions you have :) xx
Love this
6/20/20