A drop in the ocean
' 30.12 - Sunday
I can't really make out what happened. It's all like a blur to me. But I have been going to therapy these past few days and I can feel that I'm getting better. Leena explained what happened to me. And my aunt has been really supportive. She is so cool. She brought us really nice presents from all around the world.
You see, she has been traveling for the past few years all around the world. Spain, Italy, Germany, Norway, Greece, Turkey, Japan, Russia, Egypt and some other places in Australia and Asia. I don't really remember. It was too much information. She is this person that believes in eternal love, and doesn't want to sit and wait for her prince. So, she claims to have found him in Italy. But he was on a business trip this Christmas, so she came to spend it whit us. It's really romantic. They go sailing in the sunset, and she is convinced that he will propose to her very soon. It's really sweet, she is my favorite.
Of course, she asked me if I had a boyfriend, and that immediately put me in a bad mood. Mainly because I can't remember if I am mad at him or myself. And even though Leena told me what happened, I can't really remember. All I know is that Lucy was always around and I didn't speak to Britney and Chelsea since that night.
Speaking of Lucy, her parents came just in time for Christmas. They, as usual, bought her a lot of presents, but are off to another trip in two days, so they won't be really celebrating the new year because they will have an early flight. So, she will spend it with me, wherever I will go.'
I stopped writing. The door bell rang. I was home alone, because my mom, Leena and aunt Anna were out shopping and Rob was working. I was in my PJ's and my hair was all messy. But, that didn't stop me to get down and open the door.
"Merry Christmas." It was Harry. He had a wide smile on his face and his dimples were showing. My mouth curved into a smile as well, and I let him in.
I closed the door, and he came really close to me, so my back was against the door.
"I missed you" He said, as he leaned in for a kiss. I don't know why, or how, but i slightly turned my head, so his lips met with my cheek. I was a little embraced and looked down. "Hey, hey" He said, as he lifted my head by my chin "You ok?" I just nodded, and he finally kissed my lips.
We went into the kitchen and I made myself a sandwich.
"You're being quiet. What's wrong?" He asked and put his hand on mine.
"I'm ok." I said and fake-smiled at him.
"Are you angry with me? Because if you are, it's totally ok. We will work it out." He said, squeezing my hand tightly.
"I don't know." I said. He raised his eyebrows and smiled.
"How can you not know?" And let out a little laugh to ease up the tension.
"Well, Leena told me what happened, but it's all like…a blur to me. So I don't know." I said, looking at the ground.
He hugged me from behind, wrapped his hands around my waist, and kissed my neck. I turned around, facing him and kissed him. He smiled and kissed me back. We kissed until we were interrupted by someone walking in the kitchen.
"Hey Jen, is my-" It was my aunt "Oh" She said, surprised "Sorry…um…I just misplaced my phone." She said, being awkward.
"Aunt Anna, this is Harry." I introduced them
"Pleasure to meet you miss." Harry said while shaking her hand.
"The pleasure is all mine. And please, call me Anna. I am not that old." She said. Aunt Anna was 24. My mom was like 14 years older than my aunt , but they were still really close. "Have you seen my phone darling?" She asked me. I actually saw it in the living room and quickly gave it to her.
"Here" I said as I handed it.
"Thank you, I would ask you to come along like I did this morning, but I am not going to spoil your evening. Have a good day, lovelies." She said as she kissed my cheek, and hugged me. "And you" She turned to Harry. "Wear protection." She said, and kissed his cheek too. I blushed and Harry just let out a laugh. After I heard the door close, I turned to him
"Sorry about that" I said still blushing.
"I like her" He said, and started laughing. "I almost forgot" He said. I didn't even notice the bags he was carrying. "This is for you, from my mom. She really wants to meet you." He handed me a little silver box. In it was a beautiful ring. It was also silver and on the inside of the ring there was a little J engraved.
"Oh…my…god. It's absolutely perfect!" I said, as I put it on. It fitted on my ring finger.
"And, this is from me. Merry Christmas." He said, as he gave me an envelope. In it there were two plane tickets. To New York.
"Are you serious?" I said, I was pleasantly surprised. I mean, I have been to New York, hell, I lived there, but I was going somewhere with Harry. I didn't really care where, as long as I was with him.
He nodded at my question and I kissed him. He was smiling and so was I.
"Wait, wait." I said, I ran upstairs, and got my gift to him. It was in a box.
"You really didn't need to get me anything. Having you is enough." He said, and smiled.
"Nice try, come on open it."
I opened the box. In it was a T-shirt that said 'He is my Louis'. I was confused for a second but then when I raised my head, I saw Jen wearing a T-shirt that said 'He is my Harry.'
"Get it? Because you really ARE Harry!" She said and started laughing. I laughed as well and kissed her.
"Are you trying to be smart?" I asked jokingly. She just laughed. "Oh babe, don't force yourself" I added joking again, and kissed her nose.
"Well, you don't deserve your real present now, but I already spend my money, so there's no point in keeping it." She said, took out another box. In it was this little wrapped candy, and a envelope. I opened the envelope and inside there was a letter.
I really don't know what to get you for Christmas considering the fact that you already have everything.
I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you. It's Christmas today, the day that I am writing this. I don't know if I ever see you, because maybe you are angry at me, or maybe you don't love me anymore, I don't know. I just know that…I owe you everything. I owe you my life. You saved me, you understand me in a way that no one ever did.
You know, my mom wanted to talk to me about everything. About my dad, about how I was coping the whole situation with Rob, with Leena. This went on for months. I just kept it to myself. Why should I tell anyone any of these things, why should anyone know what I am going through. They won't understand, they haven't felt what I have felt. They will just nod and feel sorry for me. It's enough that I felt sorry for myself, I didn't need anyone else doing that for me. I was so caught up that no one could possibly understand what I say, that I didn't even realize what outer people are going through because of me. My mom numerous times tried to end her life. I didn't know that. Rob gave an awfully hard time to Leena because she didn't talk to me, and that was why she didn't like me. I didn't know that. I didn't know anything because I didn't want to know anything because I thought that no one had problems but me. And you know what happened?
I met you, Harry. You literally saved me. I told you my whole life story in a period of three days. Something that my mom and everyone else tried to make me do for a long time. From the day I met you, I felt a connection. I felt safe. Don't ask me why or how, because I don't even know. But you were there, and you listened. And it turned out that all I needed was someone to listen to me. I didn't need advice, I didn't need the nod, I didn't need someone to feel sorry for me. I just wanted someone to listen to me. And you did that. You did that perfectly.
We hit it off, you made a great deal of effort to make me feel special, with the dates and the carefully chosen words that you said to me. And somewhere along the way, we fell in love. I felt something that I have never felt before. The world was ours, I felt infinite with you. And you know, the worst things in life come free to us, and before we knew it they caught up to us. I was bad. I went from bad to worse. I was so scared then. I hated that, the fear. I forgot how it felt like. I had one friend, and she stabbed me in the back. And she took away the only thing in my life that was bright. So I was done for. I don't know if you can imagine all the things that went through my mind. I wanted to just disappear. I felt like I was in the way. Like I was ALWAYS in the way, with my boring problems, so I tried to ended. And you saved me…again. You saved me from myself. You always put me first, and all I could think about was myself. I was selfish, I know.
I guess I was such a sad case, that I became naive, and you know…the last incident. I don't really remember what happened. And if you think I am wrong, I am sorry. If you are wrong, I forgive you. I don't know how to make it right because I can't be sure what happened.
You are the one who made me trust people. And I trusted you the most. And at some point, I felt that as a mistake. I know, I was wrong. But it didn't feel wrong then. And this letter is suppose to help you understand some things. I love you, and I think I will always love you. And you know, I talked to my aunt before i wrote this. I talked to her about everything that has happened with us. From the beginning to where I thought we ended. She cried, but she was smiling. I asked her 'Why are you smiling. Don't you think it's the end?'
If you want to know her answer, if you think it's relevant, if you think this whole letter is relevant, tell me, and I will tell you her exact same words. I don't know if I am present while you are reading this, because as I said, I don't know what will happen after this, but if I am present, I am in the living room. I feel so cheesy with these letter, and you know I am not like that, so it's a little embracing, but that does not make it untrue.
Thank you, Harry. I love you.
PS: The chocolate is the present, I really didn't know what to get you : )'
My eyes were with tears. I could barely read it, because my vision was blurry. I didn't notice when she went into the living room, because she wasn't in the kitchen. I walked over there. She was sitting on the sofa, biting her nails. I sat next to her. I couldn't stop the tears, they were like waterfalls. I turned my head to her and I was really speechless.
"It's relevant" I said, lifting the letter, referring to it. She smiled.